Tracy and I have made some changes to our life and relationship over the past six months. Well, I would say more in the past year. Let me start from the beginning.
About a year ago, Tracy and I decided to explore our kinky side a bit more. In doing so, we joined a kinky community to get to know others that were already kinky. We did some research and found out that there was what's called munch. Basically, a munch is a place for people to meet up at a normal place, like a bar, pub or restaurant. It's a place for people to feel comfortable and chat about things and get to know each other. The community was very welcoming, and we met some really interesting people. Not long after the event, Tracy and I went to England on holiday. When we got back from England, we went to a couple more munches before we were invited to a party, which wasn't even a kink play party, it was a welcome back party for a friend of the community, at a house of one of the members of the community. So we arrived, and we were welcome with open arms by the host. Everybody was very friendly with us, and we made some really good friends that night. One of those friends was somebody we reacquainted ourselves with, which was Stef. Of all the people in the community, we started to develop a close friendship with Stef.
Over the next 6 months, Tracy and I started talking about maybe opening up our marriage, or more to the point, inviting a woman, and try a threesome. One of the most important things, for the both of us, was that the person we decided to try this with really needed to be attracted to the both, not just me, and not just Tracy, but both. The one person that we thought would be good for us, if she liked us, was Stef, because we had already built a friendship with her. During a birthday party at Stef's house, Stef approached me and let me know that if Tracy and I wanted to, she would like to play with us. A little later in the night, Stef also talked to Tracy about. She told us how she thought both Tracy and I were cool and how much she liked us.
After the party, Tracy and I went home and we talked about it a little bit. Both of us were quite excited by the idea, but we made sure not to make any decisions then, and went to bed and let things settle in our head. The next day we talked about it off and on, and decided that would like to try it. I contacted Stef, and we made a date. The original plan was that we were going to have Stef come to our place, but we had some issues, and we moved the date to Stef's place. We arrived, and Stef's, and had dinner just chatted for quite some time. Don't worry, I'm not going to give you all the gory details or the play by play. Let's just say that we had a really good night and if anything, it brought the three of us closer. Over the next few days and weeks, we talked about it, and decided that we wanted to do it again, but this time, do a weekend thing. This time, Stef came to our house. We went to a restaurant near us and had a lovely dinner and talked a lot. We went back to our place and chatted and got closer. We spent Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday morning.
About mid December, I found out that Tracy was going to Hong Kong for work during my birthday, and she asked me if I would like to go, and then a few days later, she asked if we should invite Stef, so when we went to a party at Stef's place, early in the night, we asked Stef if she would join us in the kitchen for a moment, and asked her if she would like to go to Hong Kong with us. This was a big step for us for a few different reasons. First, Tracy would already be in Hong Kong, so Stef and I would fly out together. Second, Tracy would have to stay in the hotel her work paid for on the Thursday night and work on Friday, so Stef and I would spend the night together in the hotel together, alone and part of Friday together alone until Tracy could join us later in the evening. Stef loved the idea agreed.
Christmas was fast approaching, and Tracy and I wanted to spend it with Stef, so we asked her if she wanted to have Christmas with us, and she accepted, and we arranged another multi-day. On Christmas Eve, we went to one of our favorite restaurants, Bourbon Street, which does a Cajun Style Buffet which is just delicious. Sadly, they made a mistake and didn't have our table that we booked, but they made up for it by putting us in a private area, so it was just the three (3) of us, which was really nice. After dinner, we got a taxi back to our place and opened gifts. We spent Christmas Day together, just relaxing and played a really interesting game. On the 26th, we had a nice breakfast and then Stef went home.
Also, we weren't just getting together for dates. If there was a munch or a party, or an art night or something, we would see Stef at these. Stef also wanted us, and those close to her to meet her parents. This was a big step for Stef, because although her parents knew she was polyamorous they hadn't met everybody together at one sitting. We got to meet them and they met everybody and we had a lovely dinner and chatted and got to know them.
The following Monday, Tracy was off to Hong Kong, and I had until Thursday to get to get things organized in my head to go to Hong Kong with Stef on the following Thursday. I got approval from my school to leave after lunch on Thursday, so I could take care of any last second things, and at 4:00 pm, I headed off to Makasan Station to meet Stef, and we boarded the Airport Rail Link and headed to the airport together. Once we were all checked in, we sat down for some snacks and beers and Stef gave me my birthday card with a lovely picture in it. We boarded the plane and off to Hong Kong. Once in Hong Kong, things were a bit hectic as we had to find the hotel, but it wasn't too bad, and we checked into the hotel, went to the room relaxed. The following morning, Stef and I went out and about, and I won't go too much into the Hong Kong trip as you can read all about it in the blog post titled Special Birthday Gift.
Next up was Stef's birthday, which we celebrated a two in one birthday on Tracy's birthday. Stef booked a lovely dinner at the Sofitel Rooftop Restaurant where we had mussels for dinner and then we went back to Stef's place for a nice night together. In February, we had quite a few dates. First, as I said was Tracy's birthday, then we got together on the on the 8th, we had dinner together on the 14th, with Stef spending the night, and then we had another weekend date near the end of February after the Poly munch.
In March, five (5) of us went to Pattaya for a dive weekend. It was our friend Colin and his girlfriend Emma, Tracy, Stef and I. It was a lovely weekend and we really enjoyed it. On March 8th, we had our 6th month anniversary, and we celebrated it together. We also had a date on the 22nd, which was the Thai Election day, and we jokingly called Erection day.. .well, because obviously.
When all this started out, we didn't think it would be where we are now. I think the three (3) of us just thought it would be a night of sex, one time, maybe more if we all enjoyed it. What we didn't expect was that the three of us would end up falling in love with each other. It's been an amazing ride, and maybe I will right another post about it when we hit the one year mark. I'm not sure yet. We are just playing things by ear, and one of the most important things is that we don't want any of the three of us to change.
Always Remember: Always follow your heart, it will never lead you wrong.
As most people do, I have a bucket list. Things in my bucket list are things like, go to Japan, go to Okinawa, go sky diving, learn to surf, and go scuba diving. Over the weekend of March 1st, 2019, I got a chance to cross something off of my bucket list. This was to go scuba diving.
Back in January, I was talking to a friend of mine, Colin, a fellow American living here in Bangkok. We were talking, and he told me how go goes scuba diving. I mentioned that it scuba diving was one of the things I've always wanted to try. Colin looked at me and said I should try what's called a Try Dive. What that is, is you a dive instructor teaches you some of the very very basics of diving, then you go out and you do one shallow dive, and one dive a little bit deeper. This sounded really go to me, but I said I would think about it. A few weeks later, and I had heard that Colin was really excited to go diving with me, which got me excited about it. I started to think about it seriously. So after discussing it with Tracy, we decided we would do it. Tracy would sit on the boat with Colin's girlfriend and Colin, Stef and I would all go out.
About two (2) weeks before we went, I was contacted by a guy named Alex that does dive training. He asked me a few questions, which were pretty easy. After talking to him for a few minutes on the phone, he told me that I will have to fill out a questionnaire, which was no big deal. Alex also explained a little bit about the dive to me, it's called Discover Scuba Diving. He gave me the option doing the basics on the boat and in the sea, or I could meet him at his place, and we could go over the basics and go in the pool for clearing my regulator and my mask. I chose to go to his place before the dive so it would be one less thing I had to think about before the dive.
So I arrived at my dive instructor's, Chris, condo. He came down and got me and brought me up to his place. The first thing he showed me was called a Buoyancy Control Device (BCD). Basically, the BCD is a vest for diving. There are straps on the back of the BCD to hold the air tank in place, there are also areas on the vest to clip pouches/lights/cameras or whatever you want to connect there. There is also a high pressure hose connector to connect your air tank to your vest for the air bladders (buoyancy), and lots of emergency release valves. When diving, you want to keep your BCD deflated, and not really use it to control your buoyancy, you want to use your breath to control your buoyancy. When you're on the surface, you use your BCD to keep you on the surface.
The next thing I learned about was the regulator. The different parts of the regulator are:
First Stage - Which you connect to your air tank
Console - Which you use to tell how much air you have in your tank and your depth
Low Pressure Hose- which you connect to your BCD so you can fill it with air when needed.
Regulator - Which is what you use to breath
Octopus - Which is your second breather, which is usually yellow.
Chris then explained to me how to clear my regulator when in the water, which is, you put the regulator back in your mouth and then blow out through it with a longish exhale, which will force any water out of it.
Next up was the diving fins, which he explained how to easily put on and how to take off before getting out of the water.
The last thing he showed me was the diving mask. With this, Chris showed me how to check the fit of the mask. To do that, you place the mask against your face and inhale with your nose, which will create a suction, and the mask should stick to your face for a couple of seconds, if it fits properly. Then Chris explained to me how to clear water from the mask, because sometimes, masks get water in them. What you do, is take a deep breath from your regulator, hold the top of the mask against your face, and blow out through your nose. This causes your mask to fill with air, and it wants to escape from the top, but since it can't, it pushes down, forcing the water out the bottom of the mask.
Once we did all this, Chris took me out to his condo's pool so I could show him clearing my mask and also clearing my regulator, using a snorkel instead. Down at the pool Chris explained things to me again, and about how to make it so your mask doesn't fog up, you could use anti-fog, you could use spit, or you could use baby shampoo. Baby shampoo?? I know right, but he said it works great, which I will explain later.
After this, he explained to me how to jump into the water with the tank on my back, you are standing on the diving platform at the back of the boat, and you take a big step out away from the boat. It has to be a big step, because you need to clear the tank from the diving platform. Once in the water, Chris explained to me what some of the main hand signals are.
OK - touch the index finger to the thumb in a circle and the rest of the fingers pointed up
Ascend - thumb pointing up
Descend - thumb pointing down
Something wrong - hand horizontal flat and rock thumb to pinky and back and then point to what is wrong.
Direction - use your whole hand to point in the direction, fingers first
Buddy up - put index fingers together side by side
Split up - split side by side index finger apart
Shark - make a fin with your hand and place on your head
Trigger fish - make a gun with your hand
Turtle - place one hand on the other hand, palm to back of hand and lace your fingers together
Chris then showed me how to let water into my mask and then clear it, and had me repeat it, then filled the mask full of water and then cleared it, he demoed and I followed. We did these a couple of time, until I could do it consistently.
After this, Chris showed me how to clear my regulator, replacing the regulator with the snorkel. This reminded me of when I was a kit and I tried using a snorkel. I never really like them because they always seemed to fill with water on me or they seemed so hard to breath through. I hoped that breathing through the regulator would be easier.
The last thing Chris wanted me to do for the day was to show re-pressurizing my ears, so we went down the toe bottom of the pool and I pinched my nose and gave a slight blow to re-pressurize my ears. Sorted, all ready for Saturday!
Come Friday night, we met Stef at her condo and then we met up with Colin and Emma and we all climbed into the SUV with our bags and headed out to Pattaya, which we arrived at roughly about 2 a.m., checked into our crazy room (really should have taken some pictures of it as it was really cool and interesting. They had a stage and pole for pole dancing right in the room, and tub with a jacuzzi in it, dancing lights, karaoke machine, three (3) TVs in the room, one with regular porn on it, one with ladyboy porn and the last one was turned off. We actually didn't waste a lot of time as we had to be up in a few hours to meet the Divemaster, Dave, and my instructor, Chris. We were all up and heading to the cafe at about eight, where we all got some coffee and something to eat. I had a blueberry danish, one of my favorite things. Chris and Dave met us at the cafe. After we all ate, we headed off to the boat. Once the rest of the other party showed up, we got underway.
On our way to the dive site, I talked to Chris and he we went over again the things I needed to know, clearing my regulator, clearing my mask, and then we set up my dive equipment. Chris showed me how to choose a tank that has been filled, and then I had to show Chris that I remember how to do all of this. Then he had me inflate my BCD to show me that you can't over fill it, there are safety releases that will automatically release any extra air. Once my BCD and regulator were all set up on the tank, he showed me how to see if my regulator was OK and see if there were any smells coming from the air in the tank, and everything was ok. After that, I went back up onto the top deck to be with the rest of my group.
The water was really choppy this day, and for the first time in my life, I started to feel a bit sick. I controlled it with my breathing pretty well. When we got to our dive site, I met Chris down at the prepping area and started to get ready, putting my wetsuit on and my diving gear. Once I was all set, I stood there, talking to Chris about some last second things, and sadly, I just couldn't hold my breakfast down, and I got sick over the side of the boat. I felt horrible, but everybody kept telling me that I will feel much better once I'm in the water, so once I rinsed my mouth out, I walked over to the dive deck, Chris jumped in, I put my flippers on and I jumped in.
Once in the water, it was a lot better on the surface, but it was still quite rough, but no where near as bad as on the boat. Once in the water, we defogged our masks, cleared our regulators and checked in the water. One of the bad things, is there were a lot of sea urchins on the bed, so we had to swim around on the surface a bit to find a place that didn't have as many urchins. Once we found a place, we put our masks on, our regulators in and released all the air from our BCDs, and started sinking. I only went a little way under the water, so Chris had to add more weight to my weight belt, and then we sank down to the sea bed. I think at that part, we were at about three (3) or four (4) meters deep. Once there, I showed that I could clear my mask, took me 2 times, but actually not a problem. After that, I had to clear my regulator, which is, so I took a deep breath, pulled my regulator out of my mouth, help the nozzle up so all the air came out, then put the regulator back in my mouth and exhaled. Easy. Next he had me find my regulator, which is I had to take a deep breath, take my regulator our, put it behind me and release it. Then I had to swing my right arm around, slowly backwards in windmill motion and hook the regulator with my arm and bring my arm all the way around so the regulator is in front of my body, then grab the regulator and clear the regulator. Pretty simple stuff. Then I had to make my body horizontal, and breathe in and out normal and try balance my body in the water, then breathe in to raise my body, and out to lower my body.
Once I got this down, we started swimming around. Talk about an amazing feeling! We swam over some coral, saw quite a few urchins, some some interesting fish, and then saw this really really amazingly blue fish, which I think is called a Blue Damsel. It kind of looked like the fish off to the right of this paragraph. I was shocked by how blue it was. While were were swimming around, we saw a squirt gun, some rope, and only one little pice of trash, which Chris picked up.
We spent about forty (40) minutes under water, when Chris signaled that we should start heading for the surface. At this point, he inflated his safety sausage, and then headed up to the first holding point, which is about 5m, and sat there for a few minutes, then we headed to the surface and inflated our BCD. The water seemed to have gotten rougher, but that could have just been in comparison to what it was like under the surface. Also, Stef, Colin and their group had surfaced as well. We all swam to the lifesaver ring on the rope and started working our way to the boat. We had to wait for the waves to settle a bit for each person before we climbed out. Once out of the water, I worked my way over to tank rack and dropped off my my tank, took off my BCD, then my mask.
All in all, it was an amazing dive, and I found out that I had gone down to about seven (7) meters. Shortly after being back on the boat, they served lunch, but I started feeling sick again, so I decided not to eat. While I was talking to Dave on the top deck, I felt like I was going to get sick again, so I worked my way down to the lower deck to hang out the window, just in case. Although I didn't get sick, I didn't feel much better by the time we reached the next dive site, and I didn't feel well enough to get back in the water. I did eventually take one of the sea sickness pills, but it didn't take effect soon enough for me to get in the water. I ended up laying down on one of the chairs on the top deck and taking a nap, which I felt loads better after I work up.
After this, I really want to do my Open Water Certification, which means I can go down to eighteen (18) meters and my Advanced Open Water Certification, which means I can go deeper, thirty (30) meters and other options. I absolutely loved it.
Always Remember: If you have a bucket list, you should start doing the things on your bucket list now!
This year for my birthday, Tracy decided to do something really special for me. See, Tracy's work was having her go to Hong Kong for a work. She would have to fly out on Monday the 14th, and she asked me if I wanted to fly out on that Thursday, my birthday. I'd never been to Hong Kong, but it's one of those places I wanted to visit. I was really excited about this.
After we had agreed on this, Tracy asked me if I would be OK if we decided to invite our friend, Stef, to go with me. So Stef would fly out with me on Thursday night, and we would spend the rest of Thursday night together, and half of Friday, until Tracy finished work in the afternoon, then we would spend the rest of Friday together and all of Saturday and fly back together on Sunday.
I was all for this, and excited, and Tracy told me she was also very excited about this, so we decided to bring this up to Stef. When we brought this up to Stef, she was also very excited about it, which made it more exciting for us.
So the big day arrives. My birthday. I finished work early, and headed home to do the last minute things I needed to do before I headed to the airport. At about four o'clock, I head out for the airport. On the way there, I met Stef, and we went to the airport together. While we waiting for our flight, we had shared a couple of jogs of beer and she gave me a lovely birthday card.
Next up was flight to Hong Kong. It's not a long flight, only about two and a half hours. Once we got going, I started watching the movie Papillon (2017). It was a really good movie, but I didn't have time to watch the whole movie, but I got to watch the last part of it on the way back.
We arrived in Hong Kong at about 10:30, and made it to the trains before they stopped running, we eventually made it to the area of our hotel, then we had to find our hotel. LOL. Quite an interesting journey at that time of night, but it was fun walking around Hong Kong at that time of night.
When we got up on Friday morning, we headed out to find breakfast. We walked around Hong Kong for a bit, enjoying the city for my first tie, taking some pictures of interesting things that I saw. We finally found a place for breakfast and had a really good breakfast. After breakfast, Stef and I decided to walk around Hong Kong some more so she could show me around Hong Kong as it was my first time. We saw some really interesting shaped/styled buildings. There was this one that looked like it would topple over if there was a strong wind.
I also saw this building that looked like it was made of puzzle pieces, which was really cool.
And next to this building was a gold building.
In our wanderings, Stef took me to Hong Kong Park which has some really cool things. In the outdoors bit, it had some ponds with waterfalls, but then they also had this conservatory in the park. In side this conservatory, they had some really cool things and a few funny things. They had a few different rooms areas. One of the areas was the arid area, and they had these funny little statues in there, which I had to take pictures of, you can find those in the Hong Kong 2019 Gallery. Outside, we got a closer look at the ponds and waterfalls, and they flowed from one pond to another. At the lower ponds, they had koi fish and so many turtles.
After we finished at the the Hong Kong Park, we wandered around Hong Kong a little bit, looking for a bank so I could change money from Thai Baht to Hong Kong Dollars. All the banks we went to wouldn't exchange the money for me unless I had an account with them. We did eventually find a currency exchange so I could change my money.
It was about this time that Tracy messaged us to let us know that she had finished work and that she was going to go to the hotel that her work had booked her in, check out and meet us at our hotel, so Stef and I hopped onto the tram and headed back to the hotel. One of the cool things about the trams in Hong Kong is that they look so old. It's like thrown back about 40 years or so. Once we got back to the hotel and met up with Tracy, we brought her suitcase up to the room and headed out.
There was a "Christmas" fair that was going on, but it had been extended to Chinese New Years, so it was still going on when we got there, so we decided to go and check it out. The fair was situated near the ferris wheel that Hong Kong has which is like the London Eye, the only difference is, it isn't big enough for you to stand up in and you are supposed to remain seated for the whole ride. I took quite a few pictures from the ferris wheel that you can find in the photo gallery for this blog post.
After the ferris wheel ride, we decided that since we are at a fair, we needed to get hotdogs and beer, so we found a stand where we could get hotdogs and a different stand where we could get beer. The bad thing was, we needed to buy tokens to get the beer and the hotdogs, so we went and bought tokens and had beer and hotdogs. Well, Stef and I had beer, Tracy and a soda.
After this, we had some extra tokens so we wandered around looking for things to spend our tokens on. We found one of the rides, I think it was called White Water Rafting or something like that. Each boat had four (4) seats, which was perfect for us. It was a lot of fun. After that, we decided to head off to get dinner.
We decided to have dinner at this Brussels restaurant that mussels. It was my first time having mussels. I decided to go with a spicy one that had chorizo sausage, and they were delicious. Then we headed back to the hotel.
For Saturday, we decided that we wanted to head over to Kowloon. To do that, we had to head across Victoria Harbor, so we decided to take the Star Ferry. I don't know if you know the movie Chungking Express, but it's a movie about this place in Kowloon that is like this apartment complex, with everything you need just in there. It's actually a really good movie, so it was pretty cool to see the real place.
While we were in Kowloon, we wanted to check out a couple of sex shops. I've been to a few in the States, and a few in the UK, so I thought it would be interesting to see what one was like in Hong Kong. It was packed full of things, and not as spacious as the ones I've been to in the States or in the UK but it was pretty cool. So many different things.
After the first shop, we stopped and had lunch, then off to a stationary shop. Can't pass up a good stationary shop and this was supposed to be one of the best in Hong Kong. Wow! Did that have some stuff. Everything you can imagine stationary wise, for art, Legos, teaching, for learning, games, pens, you name it, it had it! It was huge. Like seven (7) floors. Incredible! I ended up buying Tracy her birthday gift there.
Next up, we decided to find what was a really highly rated shop in Hong Kong, but on the way I saw this, which has lots of rope and lots of bamboo, oh the things I could do with this! Once we found the shop, it was in a little mall, but it wasn't really that great, but we did see another one, and that was a bit better.
Once we were finished there, we hopped on the underground and headed back across the harbor to head up to the Peak and have dinner. We had made a booking through the hotel so we needed to get back. We hopped into a taxi and he took us up the Peak. We were a little later than we wanted to be, so we didn't get to explore the Peak very much, but we the view of the night skyline of Hong Kong with the mountains overhead was just incredible! Then we went to the Peak Restaurant. I decided to have a steak sandwich that was delicious.
Another great day in Hong Kong, so after dinner, we headed back to the hotel for the night.
Sadly, that was our last night in the hotel, and in the morning, we packed things up and headed for the subway to head to the airport. For my first trip to Hong Kong, it was amazing and I have to thank both Tracy and Stef for an amazing birthday.
Always Remember: If there is some place that you really want to see, make sure to make the time to it. You won't regret it.
Some of you may know that I have been dabbling in photography for a few years now.
Before I get too far, let me start off at the beginning. I remember as a kid, back in the late 70s, way before there was digital photography, when you actually had to get your film developed to see what your pictures looked like, I got this little camera for my birthday. It was a little instamatic, similar to the picture you see here on the left. The film was in these cartridges like you see on the right. You had to open the back of the camera, insert the cartridge, close the back, and spin the dial until it stopped, then you could take your pictures. You couldn't open the back of the camera until you used up all the film because it would ruin the pictures you already took. I think I might have taken about five (5) rolls of pictures, which I don't think I ever got developed. I remember taking this camera on a school field trip to Fort Snelling, and I took maybe two (2) rolls of pictures while I was there.
In the early to mid 80s, my parents got a polaroid, similar to the one on the right, but ours was all black, and I played with that a little bit, not really very much. One of the things I loved about this camera is that the pictures didn't need to be developed and you could see the picture within minutes of taking the picture. I thought this was the coolest things I'd ever seen.
It wasn't until about the mid 1990s that I used another camera, and that would have been some of the disposable cameras, like the one seen on the left. One of the great things about this style of camera was that I didn't have to spend a lot of money on a camera. I could just stop by one of the local convenience stores and pick one up as I needed, and when I was finished, I could just take it to the local developing center and have it developed in something like an hour.
In the late 1990s and early 2000s, I got a digital camera as a free gift when I ordered some coffee from a coffee company. I ordered the coffee because I wanted the coffee beans and the grinder. I didn't know I would get a digital camera with my coffee, so when I opened the coffee box, I was pretty happy and excited to see the digital camera. There was no display, no zoom or anything special, just a basic point and shoot digital camera and you needed to plug it into your computer to get the images off of the camera.
I didn't really know a lot about taking pictures at this point, I just pointed the camera in the area and pressed the button. I didn't think too much about it, like I said, I would just point and shoot. It wasn't until I moved to Thailand and was with @hirondelle. When hirondelle and I were getting ready to go to Cambodia to see Angkor Wat, where hirondelle took most of the pictures, but I played around a little bit with the camera.
It was during this time, that I kind of started getting pretty serious about taking pictures. I didn't know a lot about taking pictures back then, so I would just point the camera and press the button. In 2008 hirondelle and I did our first bike trip, I've written a whole blog post about this before, so I won't do that now, but on that trip I started playing around with our camera more, and I started pictures in what I call wonky angles, but photographers call Dutch angles, which is a picture that isn't exactly square, or at an angle. Some people like this, some people don't. hirondelle suggested not taking so many pictures like this, but she also told me about framing my pictures and about what I should look for when taking a picture. From that day, I started looking at things differently.
In 2013, @icewlf came to visit us for the first time. While he was here, we went and looked at a camera shop, and icewlf got me interested in taking pictures again. So I took some of the things hirondelle taught me and icewlf added to that, so I started looking more and more at framing my pictures better and getting better angles and trying different things to highlight different things in the picture.
My favorite picture that I took when hirondelle and I went to Krabi in October 2014, during my schools break, we went to Railay Bay West in Krabi, Thailand. This was our second time going to Krabi. One day, we were sitting down watching the sun set and I was shooting some pictures, trying to get some good sunset pictures, and I saw this couple standing on the beach being all lovely, and I wanted to try and capture them with the sunset and the sea, and the picture to the right is what I came up with.
One of the things that I loved about this camera is that I could take panoramic pictures. I could set the mode on the camera to panorama and then point at one side I wanted a panorama of, hit the button and move the camera while I took the picture. You just had to make sure not to go too fast or too slow and to keep it in a straight light. Below are some of my attempts at doing this.
After this, I started playing around with hirondelle's Pentax Km DSLR camera. I'd never played around with an SLR or a DSLR before, so this was like a huge learning curve. It was a lot of fun learning, and I took some really good pictures. This was the first time I was taking picture in RAW format. Prior to using the Pentax, I could edit images and pictures in FireWorks, but now I needed to learn how to use Photoshop, this was another huge jump for me. If I can find the pictures I took with this camera, I'll make sure to share them here.
Around this time, I started trying to take better pictures with the camera on my phone. I started applying the principles that hirondelle taught me to my phone, and mixing in a few things that I had picked up from watching photographers like Fro Knows Photo, Some of these pictures turned out really good.
My next camera, the one I use now is a Nikon D5500. I got this in 2016. This is my first DSLR camera. When I started taking pictures with this camera, I set the file type to jpeg, and then I started following a photographer that strongly suggested that people should show in raw format, so I started doing this. When I started shooting in raw, I needed to learn Lightroom. One of the problems with shooting in raw format is that the images take so long to edit. I could easily take 100 or more pictures in just a few hours. For example, when we went to Lincoln this past year and I got to meet hirondelle's friend, I took over 300 pictures during the day. This doesn't sound like a lot of pictures until you go to edit those pictures. I can get lost in editing photos so easily, peaking and tweaking all the little things, and I can edit one picture four (4) different times in four (4) different ways. I can see if I'm doing pictures professionally and getting paid to do these pictures, but these are just for fun, and I just don't have the time to edit these pictures that much, so starting this year, I've changed my Nikon to take JPEG Fine pictures. I'm excited about this as I won't have to do as much editing of the pictures. Below is a gallery of some of the pictures I've taken with this camera.
I've also been trying to better pictures with my current phone, which is an iPhone 8+. I've been really happy with a lot of the pictures I've been taking with my phone. I've been more particular with what I'm shooting and trying to make sure I have it framed better.
Well, I think I've bored you enough with my photography talk. I plan on taking more pictures this year, so let's see what happens.
Always Remember: Always take the tie to do the things you love.
So 2018 has been quite an interesting year to say the least. It's been quite an interesting and eventful year to say the least.
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Early in the month, @hirondelle took me to one of her favorite restaurants from her early days in Thailand, a place called Suda. She took a great picture of me having a beer
Although hirondelle says the food wasn't as good as she remembers, it wasn't bad, and I enjoyed going to one of her old hangouts. And just look at that hair! You think that's bad? Wait till you see it as the year goes along.
We had a special visiter for hockey here in Thailand, we had Coach Jeremy from How To Hockey and you can find his YouTube channel HERE. While he was here, the Siam Hockey League and the Flying Farangs put together a pick up game for him, which I got to play in.
Also during this time, hirondelle and I started exploring kink a bit more and we attended our first shibari training class, where I started learning the Japanese art of tying people with rope. We also started to explore with what is called impact play. Impact play is like spanking, but sometimes using other objects other than your hands, which have found we liked a lot.
March was a really big month for me, because I was asked to play with the Flying Farangs during the City Of Angels Old Timers tournament here in Bangkok.
Although we didn't do so good in the tournament, it was so much fun to play with these guys. One of the best things about this was that when they asked me what number I wanted, the first number that came to mind was my number from when I used to play hockey back in the 80s. When I asked if that number was available, they said yes!
Lots of interesting things happened this month. First, we went to our first munch in the kink community here in Bangkok. This was a big step for us, because we didn't know (1) who was going to be at the munch, and (2) what if somebody we knew showed up at the munch. As things would have it, there was somebody going that we knew, but he was so super cool about it and helped us ease into it.
Right after the munch, hirondelle and I headed off to England. It had been a few years since I'd been to the UK, and we wanted to make the best of it. We spent a few nights in Hucknall, and while there, hirondelle took me to the hockey rink in Nottingham, where the Nottingham Panthers play. One of the reasons she brought me to the rink is because they have a pro shop there, and I was looking for some new hockey equipment. More specifically, I was looking for new shin pads, new gloves, shoulder pads and a new hockey bag. To go with that, they had quite a bit of NHL stuff, so I got some Minnesota Wild stuff, pins and a hockey puck as well as a Nottingham Panthers T-shirt. I didn't buy everything in Nottingham, hirondelle also took me to Sheffield, which also has a hockey team, the Sheffield Steelers, one of Nottinghams rivals. They have a giant hockey equipment shop called Puckstop, which has just about everything you can think of when it comes to hockey gear. Of course, as luck would have it, we didn't check the hours of the shop. We arrived in Sheffield on Monday and thought they would be open and when we found the store, we found that they were closed on Mondays. So we had to go there on Tuesday. Oh well. These things happen. Between the two stores, I found what I was looking for, and it was pretty cool walking around Sheffield.
We weren't only in the UK for hockey equipment though. One of the other reasons we were in the UK was so I could finally meet one of hirondelle's oldest friends, Sharron and Sharron's husband Doug.
We spend the whole day in Lincoln, walking around and hanging out with them. Lincoln is a pretty interesting city, with an amazing cathedral, and the high street is this really long hill that leads right down to the river that runs right through Lincoln. It was pretty cool, and it was awesome finally meeting Sharron and Doug.
One of the things we always do, especially when I'm with hirondelle, when we go to the UK is we meet Autumn and Jamie.
We love meeting up with them, and on this trip, we spent most of the day with them. They took us to their tattooist and piercer and hirondelle got her nipples pierced. So cool. One of the things hirondelle and I talked about with meeting Jamie and Autumn was them taking us to their tattooist and piercer so hirondelle could get her nipples pierced.
After our time in Nottingham/Sheffield, we spent some time in London. We love London for so many different reasons. This year, we decided to go to some more kinky type shops, because we were looking to get some special things. We picked up some pretty cool kinky toys that we just love.
May was a pretty busy month for me when it came to hockey. First, I played in a 4-on-4 hockey tournament in Pattaya.
This tournament was a lot of fun, though we lost our first game, we won our next 2 games to put us in the finals against the local favorite team, the Pattaya Destroyers. This tournament had two (2) first for me. First, the manager, Scott Murray put me in as a forward. I don't remember playing as a forward since I was in mites, back when I was 5-6 years old. Second, in the second game, Scott (my forward line mate) had me taking face-offs on my side of the ice. Of course, when I first started, I did really shitty, and didn't win any face-offs, but then I won a couple face-offs, so that wasn't so bad.. The first time we played the Pattaya Destroyers we beat them, but then we had to play them again after a break ofd about an hour, and they beat us, so we ended up taking second place in this tournament, which wasn't too bad.
After this, I had a tournament a tournament in Northern Bangkok, an hour by underground train, to help raise funds for one of the local, Thai ice hockey players that was in a motorcycle accident. This was another 4-on-4 tournament, and we did really good in this tournament and eded up winning it, which was awesome.
The last thing that happened in May was that I started playing in the Bangkok Ice Hockey League (BIHL) for a team called Bunteng Rengrom.
The BIHL starts off their season with one (1) division, then after 4 games, they split into two (2) divisions, and after 4 more games they have the playoffs in three (3) divisions. Last season, my team, Bunteng Rengrom, took 3rd place out of 4 teams in the 3rd division. This year, we took 3rd place out of 3 teams in the second division, so we did better than we did last year. I was one of three foreigners on my team, and almost half of my team were women, which was pretty cool. We had a lot of fun, though in one game I got a little heated when we were playing in our second game against Greatest Ice. One of their top players took a cheap shot at one of our players, so I defended our player and gave the guy a check in the back, nothing dirty, no elbows or anything like that, just a should, which sent him to the ice, which caused a bit of a scuffle in front of our net and I got sent to the box for 2 minutes. Over all, I feel I didn't do too bad in my first season in the BIHL. I got 2 points (assists) with 4 minutes in penalties. I was asked to come back and play for them again next year, which I plan on doing.
June marked a few big things. First, hirondelle and I went to our first kinky play party. That was pretty exciting and fun.
I also played more hockey. The BIHL went until August, so I was pretty busy with that, but I also got to travel with the Flying Farangs to the Philippines.
This was the first time in about 5 years that the Flying Farangs have traveled outside of Thailand to play in a tournament, so I was pretty stoked to be asked to come along and play in this one. This was also the first time I'd been to the Philippines, so that was exciting in and of itself. Also, I got to meet a long time online friend for the first tie face to face while I was in the Philippines.
Karen actually came to the rink for her first every hockey game. It was awesome to meet her, and we had a lovely dinner together.
Another cool thing was we had to NHL hockey players and Stanley Cup winners, Johnny Oduya and Marcus Kruger visit Bangkok for a charity game.
This was so awesome, and I did the score keeping and announcements for the game. I also got to have dinner with them before the game. The most exciting for me thought was the night before. There was a game for those that weren't playing in the charity game to be able to play with Johnny Oduya and Marcus Kruger.
This was awesome on so many levels, but the biggest thing for me was being a D-partner to Johnny Oduya! Amazing! Oh, and I got a penalty for "tripping" Marcus Kruger, but I still say he took a dive.
The most important thing for me in June was that my baby girl, Bretney, graduated from high school!
I talked to her for a few minutes before the ceremony and I got to watch the ceremony live through her schools website. Totally awesome. So proud of her.
Hockey wise, the BIHL is still going on and I'm playing in the weekly shinny for the Flying Farangs. Also, when it comes to Shibari, I did my first suspension, which was of a friend of ours, and then a few weeks later, I suspended hirondelle for the first time. That was a lot of fun.
Kink wise, August was pretty exciting for us. One of the groups we are part of had what's called an Auction Party, which is what it says, but people are auctioned off with the money going to special organizations and groups. First off, hirondelle went up on the auction block to do art for a scene for somebody. Second, we both went up on the block as a couple to co-top somebody. So that was really exciting for us, and a lot of fun.
So this was a good and bad month. I got pulled over on my motorcycle on my way to where I eat lunch and they wanted to give me a ticket for my tax being out of date, but I showed them where my tax was and they were like, oh ok, but then when they looked at my driver's license, they told me that I needed a Thai driver's license. This was a shock to me, because I'd been using my American driver's license whenever I rode a bike here in Thailand. They didn't give me a fine the first time, but when they pulled me over a second time in the same week, they checked my tax and found out that it was out of date, I had made a mistake, and this was the second time in a week that I had been pulled over and didn't have a Thai driver's license, so I did get fined this time.
The best thing that happened this month, well, let me go back to about May, before we went to our first kink party, we were invited to a welcome back party of somebody that was part of the group that wanted to meet us, so she got us invited. The party was at another person's house, by the name of Stef. Both hirondelle and I really hit it off with Stef. We went to quite a few parties and events at Stef's house through out the year. Well, Stef told hirondelle and I that if we ever wanted to try being with a third person, she really liked us and would be willing to be our third. hirondelle and I had talked about this before, but that was about as far as we had gone with it, then Stef brought it up to us. We went home that night and talked it, and we decided we would like to try it, so I messaged Stef and we made a date. We had that date, and spent the night at Stef's and all three of us really enjoyed it.
More motorcycle news this month. So we went to get our motorcycle it's tax updated and well, we found out that the bike needed to be inspected because it's older than five (5) years old, and then we went to get it insured and taxed. That was a whole day affair. Then I went to try to get my Thai driver's license, but found out that I could only do the eye test portion of my test and I had to head back there in November, so keep an eye out for that.
One of the good things that happened, is we had a weekend date with Stef, and this time, she came to our house, and she spent the weekend with us and it was so great! So chill and relaxed.
Motorcycle - Wow. So I went and spent five (5) hours at the Land and Transport office watching videos and then I took the written test after, and I was told I had to come back on another day to do my driving test. Talk about being angry, because I was told I could do both tests in the same day, and that just didn't happen. That worst thing about this is I took a day off of work to take the test, and ended up having to take another day off of work to get this taken care of. So I passed the written test, and I decided to come back the next day to do my driving test. Which I did and I ended up passing it and getting my license.
So I am finally legal!
Hockey - Well, I was asked to play for another Flying Farangs teams.
We didn't do great in this tournament, we lost the first two (2) games, then we tied the third game, and we finally we won the last game and we won a trophy! It was such a blast playing in this tournament, but I also worked this tournament, so I did some interviews for them, score keeping and stats entering.
Lastly, we had another weekend date with Stef, which was great. We went to see one of our friends do improve, and they were really good.
Exciting times. At the end of November, we went and looked at getting a Honda Rebel 500 and to get the financing done for it.
We got approved and picked it up. Super exciting! It's so much fun to ride. We really put it through its paces as well. We did a road trip to finish off the year. We went from Bangkok to Kanchanaburi, and spent the night there.
That portion of the trip was 174 km (108 miles), which took about 3 hours. From Kancanaburi, we went to Sangklaburi.
Sangklaburi has the longest wooden bridge in Thailand, which you can walk across. It's pretty amazing. That portion of the trip was 201 km (125 miles) not counting our missed turn, and it took us about 4 hours to get there. Was a portion of road that went through the mountains which was pretty cool. We spent two (2) nights in Sangklaburi, and on the second day, we took a boot to the submerged temple and another temple near that.
From Sangklaburi, we went to Sai Yok.
This portion of the trip was 175 km (109 miles) which took about 3 hours. The resort that we stayed was off the road and back north another 20 minutes, but it was nice and peaceful and right on the river. Our last stop on our trip was Nakhon Pathom.
This portion of the trip was 148 km (92 miles) and about 3 hours. Our resort, this time, was about an hour away from the main road! Very very quiet, like an 80s motel/resort horror movie kind of quiet. There was even one point where we started hearing strange noises from the roof of our bungalow. I guess we should have been watching Stranger Things before bed. That last leg of our trip was back to Bangkok.
This last leg of the trip was 78 km (49 miles) which ended being about an hour and a half. I did miss a turn at one point, but there was a double U-turn, so I think that happens quite a lot, and I got us back on the right track.
The other thing that was lovely was we spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Stef. We had dinner together on Christmas Eve and then spent the rest of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with us.
All and all, it was an amazing year filled with mostly high points.
Well, that's all for now. I'll see you next time.
Always Remember: Life is meant to be enjoyed, not dreaded, so get out and enjoy it.
In 2016, I was approached a couple of hockey players here in Bangkok, Thailand because I did a podcast about watching 2 hockey games here, titled Bangkok Ice Hockey League:
They asked me if I wanted to be involved with a new ice hockey league they were starting called the Siam Hockey League (SHL), and be their official podcaster. All I had to do was let people know what was going on with the SHL and do a few interviews with the Player of the Game. Well, I ended up enjoying being at the rink so much for the hockey that I happily did so much more for them. I also go the bug to play again, so in 2017, when I went back to the US to visit my family, I decided to pick up some gear so I could start playing again. I actually did a podcast about this as well:
Things have been going pretty good. I've took on a bigger role with the SHL for the second season, which I enjoyed, and I was playing shinny (pickup hockey) every week that they had it. I was invited to play in their Land of Smiles Old Timers tournament for the Flying Farangs. What is really cool about this is that @hirondelle has been wanting me to play for the Flying Farangs since I moved to Thailand. We did OK in the tournament, nothing big, but we didn't lose every game, and the team that won it, we did pretty good against them, so not too shabby.
I was then invited to play in another tournament for the Flying Farangs in Pattaya, which was a 4-on-4 tournament. That was a lot of fun. We took second place in this tournament, and we ended up playing the best team in the tournament, the Pattaya Predators, in the last two games. We beat them the first time we played them by getting into their head and controlling the game. In the second game, they got into our heads and won the game. Oh well. There is always next year.
After this, I was invited to play with the Flying Farangs again, this time in a charity tournament to raise money for a player, from one of the local teams, that was injured in a motorcycle accident. This tournament was six games spread over 2 weeks. We won all but one game, which is a game we tied. This was also a 4-on-4 tournament. Their were only two bad things about this tournament. (1) Was that it was so far out, (2) was the ice was really bad. Very soft and very wet. If you played in the first game, it wasn't so bad, but if you played in the second or third game, it was really wet.
Around the time of the charity tournament, the Bangkok Ice Hockey League (BIHL). I was asked to play for a team called Bunteng which means "to have fun". The BIHL is run kind of odd. All the teams (this year there were 10, last year there were 12) are split into 2 divisions, chosen at random. The teams in the individual divisions play against each other. After this, the teams are reorganized into the divisions with the better teams in the top division, and the not so good teams put into the lower division. The teams play the the teams in their respective divisions for the remainder of the regular season. Then the teams are split into three divisions for the playoffs. Last year, Bunteng took third place in Division 2. This year, thought we didn't have a stealer season, we had an OK season. We lost every game in the first portion of the season, won two games and tied one and lost one in the second half of the season, which put us into Division 1 going into the playoffs! Now we lost both games in the playoffs and took third place, but that is a huge improvement from last season. My goal for this season was that Bunteng didn't place worse than they did last season, which they didn't. Now, I'm not saying this is because of me, but they didn't do worse because of me, so that makes me happy! @hirondelle recorded every game she was in for, and you can fine them at Dom Dumais Does Hockey. After the last game, the captain of Bunteng asked me to play on the team next season. I don't know if I will be asked to play for any other team, but I think, because Bunteng took a chance on me, so I think I will stick with them.
Another big thing hat happened with me and hockey this past year was that the Flying Farangs decided they wanted to start traveling around the region again. There was a tournament in Manilla, Philippines. I was asked to play with the Flying Farangs again for this one, which I was more than happy to do! We did OK in this tournament, but we didn't win any trophies. We just had fun.
For me, one of the be big things about the Pattaya, Thailand Tournament and the Manilla, Philippines Tournament was that the coach had me playing forward in both of these tournament. I'm not a forward, but it was a lot of fun. In the Pattaya Tournament, I took a few face-offs, which was aa first for me. I even won a few. In the Philippines Tournament, we were playing on Olympic sized ice, which is bigger than North American ice, which was also a first me.
All in all, I've been having a lot of fun since I've come back to hockey, and I plan on playing for as long as I can now.
Always Remember: If you feel the bug to do something old or new, give it a go. You just may love it!
So, we recently had some problems with a few of our themes after we updated. For The Lodge, Fancy Pants and Gamer Nerd to be specific. The problem was, if I had one of them set as a default theme, and a member wasn't signed in, they got nothing but a blank page. We didn't catch this right away, because we are always signed in. We don't know how long it went on because nobody let us know that it had happed unfortunately. Now we understand that people are busy with their real lives, so that's not a problem. I would like to thank @Cyrainfor bringing it to our attention. With working with the theme developer, we finally got The Lodge and Fancy Pants all sorted. We're still waiting on Gamer Nerd though.
Please, if you notice anything isn't working the way it should, bring it to our attention right away so we can fix it as soon as possible.
Completing my bachelor's degree has always been one of my long term goals. My health, living situation, and drive have been major road blocks along the way, but now finally i can take my hands off the wheel and coast to graduation. My degree is in Information Technology with a Specialization in Software Analysis and Design. Most of the people I go to school with are already employed in the field one way or another and just need a piece of paper to advance their career. Me, I only come from retail experience and what professional experience I do have, no one cares for it being that I have no certifications. When people hear I'm in IT they immediately assume I can do X, Y, and Z to their computer and fix it or create stunning websites on the fly or for free. Nope, I'm a dumbass on hardware. Utter dumbass, self admitted. Do I know terminology, yes. But my hands get sweaty pretty quick and wet hardware is not so sexy. My area of expertise is more regarding software, but not programming. Let me explain specifically what I mean by the class I'm currently in. Buy the end of it I'll get to my point so you have some context.
In our capstone class we were assigned the mother of all group projects. Each class is 5 weeks long and this was no different except we had to contribute each week individually and to the group. The scenario was as follows:
Pretty daunting right?
Other specializations in our IT cohort are Network Administration, Digital Investigations, and Information Assurance and Security.
I was coming in from the software end. My three group mates were networking/hardware guys. So we were evenly stacked and they were very heavy on the hardware end as far as specs and network topology goes. Each of us contributed equally to the project and we each pulled our own weight. One person was assigned to each area: networking, security, and hardware, software. Some groups had less tow work with so it was nice having all areas covered and all group members actively participating.
Week 4 was my area in software and it was my time to shine. Being the lone software expert in the group, I felt the weight on my shoulders. My group had done a stellar job on their ends and my end only had one week and then we got out grade. My end involved the functionality of the proposal. Here's the important part. i may specialize in software development, but coding is NOT my forte. NO CODING WAS REQUIRED FOR THIS. This made me happy because I knew that meant diagrams.
Attached below are the diagrams I created for the project. Which I'm damn fucking proud of:
We ended up with an A.
Now here's my point. I hated doing all that. I hated working with folks that dreaded any form of communication and refused to let down their ego. With the exception of this last group, that was the norm. The diagrams may be fancy, but they were too easy.
Data science has always fascinated me since I took an independent study course at my community college. Yes I could go out and pursue software development but I hate coding and I hate all that I learned in my program. Data science is a more solid career and having a graduate degree in my passion has always been my goal.
I have a domain set up for when I'm ready to post my portfolio. It's going to be stuff not normally seen due the casual eye. What spawned this passion was the recent outcry over children being separated from their families here at the U.S. border. There was a call to match a parent with child. What steamed me was our country's Homeland Security [expletive] could not answer for where a certain kind of child was. With all do respect to our government, Obama has released data that has been in statistics textbooks for ages. Ya'll seen Avengers: Infinity War? I have not, but I'm pretty damn sure there's a growing need for more people studying data science than being entertained by Marvel and the media.
Recently on Twitter someone wrote about the storm before the calm. No I haven't gotten that the wrong way round. I know most people know it the other way around, however for me and maybe fire a lot of other selfharmers it makes a lot of sense.
The storm that rages with in me before I reach that moment is a powerful one. It is a mix of depression with a huge amount of anxiety, the kind of anxiety that makes your tummy tie in knots, that causing your chest to feel like it is crushing the air out of you, that makes your limbs feel like jelly but also like they could be pulled from you at any moment. It is the type of anxiety that makes your skin crawl, that causing your heart to beat hard and faster and yet it feels like it stops all at the same time.
Basically think about the most chotic storm you can think of and put that inside you, all that energy all the destructiveness just building up and up with you until you can not take it anymore!
This is me right now, at the very moment of me writing this. This is my life, the storm that rages until I can not take it anymore and then that blade, oh that beautiful sharp shiny blade has found it's way into my hand and then into my skin and finally it tracks a line down my arm, the shine followed by red, red so bright and beautiful that I have to do it again and again and again until finally the red runs free and the storm had eased.
It is bliss, it is a smile on my lips, it is calm and my god it feels so good for it to be over, for the ranging to ease and in that moment I am free.
There is a catch however. That storm that has turned into a tiny rain cloud is still there and that cloud can grow on e again as every negative thought passes through my mind, and pretty soon it is ranging once again and the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
And behind this Storm, sits my demon, a smile on its face as it watches it rage and then laughs as the red rivers flow as the storm eases.
I don't know if I can take anymore, working in the field I'm in while I'm at the lowest point emotionally I've been at in a long time if not ever. I'm 2 hours into an 8 hour shift and I just watched someone die. And it's not the first, or the last. I feel sometimes like I'm surrounded by death and sickness, maybe not feel like, I am surrounded by it.
Right now I really just want to go home, curl up in a ball and cry. I want someone to just hold me and tell me life is worth living. That we're not just all on a slow trip to wind up here... dumped off by your family to die alone surrounded by strangers. I have seen some families who are here for their loved ones but I've seen too many who are alone at the end, or holding a hand they don't know. And no matter how much I care or try to provide some measure of comfort I always feel bad and I know it's not the same.
I don't want to wind up like that. I don't want to wind up alone, I feel like I'm alone now, even with the kids I still wind up feeling so detached lately. So when I do let myself feel, or when it gets so much that I have no choice but to feel it's like drowning.
Edit - 6 hours and 8,000 steps later I'm home and I have absolutely nothing left. I don't have the emotional energy left to do more than tell my daughter I love her before I crawl into bed. My feet hurt, my back hurts, my heart hurts, I'm just so very very done with everything.
The thunder of the winter’s cold fury whispers through my mind as I a sleep. It tells me fascinating stories of when I was younger and why it all had to happen. During the day I am called Prudence Anne Jenkins. This name was placed over my head by my doting mother when I was but 3 minutes old. I am now living with a sister and 4 brothers that hate me, a dying mother that cannot stand the sight of me and the death of a greatly loved father hanging over my head. They all blame me for his death. They all say ‘well if you hadn’t had to have someone pick you up from some stupid martial arts class then he would still be alive!’ They say that it is entirely my fault and that I should have at least had the courtesy to be in the car when the train hit him. They will then turn away and shun me.
After the accident I relived the accident in my dreams. I hear the awful sound of the trains wailing horn reverberating through my skull. Then the following pain as it plowed into my father’s car. I can hear his last words echo through me like a death keel. They tell me that he is near his end. I will carry their weight with me wherever I go. “Pru, hold true to who you are! Even when those you care about the most have turned on you. Even when your faith is at its lowest and your trust has run out. Remember I love you and no matter what, stay true to who you are!” I would rather not remember all the details, but that is no longer and option. When the accident occurred, I came fully into my powers.
He was not only my father but also my mentor. He died while coming to pick me up from yet another training session at the dojo. My family may have forgotten but I have not, he tried to teach all of them as well. Tried to bring them into their birthright as he was bringing me. We are what you would call shadow-walkers. People that claim the title of shadow-walkers are part of a select few who have evolved past the norm to protect those that have not yet achieved this. We do what we must to keep keep the rest of the populouse safe.
Thus is the story of my life. I live by day with a family that cannot stand the sight of me and then at night I live in a world that welcomes me into its loving bosom. A place that welcomes me, makes me feel the joys of life. I am the only thing that keeps most of this city alive. They are all scared of who and what I am but none of them would be able to sleep at night if they only knew what it is that they face while they sleep soundly in their beds. All sorts of demons, both of the humane persuasion and of the metaphysical breed. They come out only once the sun has set and the city has gone to sleep. I travel from place to place during the night never tiring of the routine that I have set in place for myself.
My mother, they say, is dying of a broken heart. She misses my father and wishes he were still alive. She doesn’t blame me quite as much for his death, but I was his favorite and favored him most in looks. That is why she can’t bring herself to look at me. I am my father’s child, in every way. He taught me everything that he knew. That is why he started to take me with him on his routes. These routes would be like the ones I hold now. Fighting for a people that would never know that I even exist. It seems unfair at first but after a while you get used to it and even learn to love the very thing that you curse.
Full moons are when the old legends say the lunatics and monsters come out to play. As if that is a magical force that is the only time they are able to come out. If you want the truth just look out your windows on other nights, then you will see the truth. I am tired of living in the dark.
My sister has told me that my place is in school and at home. I should not be out there doing a mans work. She doesn't understand what it is that I do at night. Of course she can’t, because she doesn’t even know what it is I do. None of my siblings knew about our father either despite his best efforts. It’s a pity, there really could have been potential with at least a couple of my brothers. They would have enjoyed the life, I think. When my father was alive they called him the safety net of the city. That was of course during the day when he worked as a justice of the peace. They never knew about his night time activities.
At night I am called Shadowmancer. Almost everyone fears me and yet, no one has seen me,and most think of me as some sort of aberration, a trick of the light or a child’s story created to make them behave. I appear out of nowhere then disappear into the shadows just as I came. This is the way of my life. Hide where the world can’t find me then keep them alive in exchange for their ignorance. After all as father used to say, “My darling child, if the world knew of our true existence then we have failed in our task. We do not protect them to gain wealth or fame. We do not protect them so we can gain notoriety. This is why we use an alias.”
It has been close to five years since his death. I am still working his area as well as the one that has somehow come to me. It is always this way with our people. One of us will die and the successor for that person will take over their area and once they become of age then they will receive their own territory. I have learned much from others like myself. It is hard to imagine what it was like before I came into my own and had to go it alone.
A while back I met a young man named Mystr, he took me to a place I had not been since I was small. There I met a man by the name of Raule. He helped to mold and shape me into what my father had envisioned. I am now in the top echelon of the shadow-walkers. That is what Raul has said anyway.
I am terrified of what my family will do if they ever find out what I do. They are not a supportive or understanding group. My older siblings will frequently search my room and all of my belongings. They use the guise of keeping me safe and don’t get taken in by all the vices that are present in our lives. This is something that I will not believe until my father rises from the grave and walks among us. My activities are restricted to school and home. I am not allowed to have friends or outside relationships.
Raul has said that I am safe at school. He obviously hasn’t been in any of the local schools lately. I am now a junior in high school. Due to my family and circumstances I am a social outcast. On the plus side, the isolation does allow me to keep my secrets. In the school that my sister has placed me in, the popular kids try and prove their right to be on the top by fighting any outcast that they can find. I have gotten very good at avoiding them. I find the practice ridiculous. The one that wins recertifies their standing in their groups. If the challenger losses however they then become the outcast and the outcast became the most popular kid in school. As I have said, pointless.
You can never be to careful about who you let close to you. The young man I mentioned earlier has since been killed. I feel sorry for his loose and will miss his comradery. He was also a in high school with his whole life ahead of him. I find it strange that when he passed his mind reached out for mine instead of his mentor or his family. I was stunned by the intensity of his contact. He told me he had been framed and then murdered to hide the crime. He asked me to find his killer. He knew that they were part of his humane acquaintances. He couldn’t tell me which of them were responsible, but it was surely one of them. He also bequeathed his territory to me. I am now responsible for the whole south side of the city. So far no one has challenged me for it.
With the acquisition of these territories I have started to gain familiars. The old tales tell that witches and all manner of dark magics claimed familiers. They were supposed to help channel their magic and hold extra magic and charms. Most of these are total crap. There is always an exception to the rules. The familiars that we acquire are like guides for us. We can have any number of them and will frequently get receive the at least one from those that have passed and have been close to them. I have three that have claimed me. A guardian wolf from my late father, a falcon that has claimed my soul as its charge and a python from Mystr. The wolf is not the same one that claimed my father’s soul as its charge but that wolf’s daughter. The situation seems fitting. Mystr’s guide was a python, the one that has come to me was his mate. She has come to me to help insure that justice is meted out for her mate and his master. Once that task is complete I do not know if she will stay or leave to claim another. For now I am comforted by her presence. The falcon appeared one day and claimed my soul and I intern am now its master.
The time has come for me to tell you why I keep this diary I suppose. Since my father’s death I have found many bound journals that he had kept. They were hidden away and his other home. I suppose you could call it his lair. They were filled with a code that could only be broken by someone who knew how to truly see. One not blinded by the world surrounding them. This in turn has prompted me to do the same. This diary will only go to one that has been given the key. My successor once that time comes. It will tell of my life, hopes, dreams and greatest fears. If by chance it helps to bring peace to those who read it then it shall be worth the words written.
My time here is drawing short as I hear my siblings calling for me. Im sure they need me to do some menial task that they do no wish to. As they are not privy to my life in full I have this my diary to keep all the details in. They are not able to find what they do not know exists. This is hidden as a school assignment. Deep in the recesses of my computer’s hard drive. As none of them have much skill with technology then for the moment it is safe. For now I bid you adieu. Until next we meet.
Days are funny things.
They change constantly, no two are the same and even if you try to replicate a day it always ends up being just a cheap knockoff!
Today is a day of darkness and badness, today will tick through the hours, the sun will rise and fall and it will eventually come to an end. Bit for me, today is a battle feild, today I fight a battle in a war that I fight every day, it is just that this battle is a big one, this one is goinf to leave scars if I am not careful, today blood could be drawn and I really don't want that.
I'm tired, I'm exhausted and god it will be so good to give in, to stop the storm, the battle raging on, to just let the blade hit and end it, not forever but at least for now.
But instead I'm fighting, my own sword drawn, fighting against the demons with their razor sharp claws.
Let's just hope I last till sleep comes and the day ends.
After all tomorrow is another day.
(Random thoughts, no consistency, hope it makes some sort of sense)
I am tired, i am stressed and being pushed to my limit. I have to hold together a family where I am the only none autistic member and it is becoming a huge struggle.
I love my family, my wife, my son even the pets that just simply drive me nuts!
But I am losing me, losing the me that can be fun that can be patiant that can enjoy her family. That is why I have this place I guess, the place I can be comfortable the place I can be me and have no worries.
Here I can be the fun mischievous, here I can play a role, become a goddess. And now because of the 18+ area I can explore my sexul side, a side that gets very much hidden away.
Being a mother is hard, it feels unrewarding at time and it is a job you can not walk away from because no matter the stress and strain god do I love it.
Yes being a mother is hard.
So I've been missing in action for a while. I've really been struggling with depression and not wanting to interact with anyone including my own family. Most days I have to fight off the urge to just hide in my room because I know I can't do that to my kids. I grew up with a parent who would get depressed and go to bed for weeks and I refuse to let myself become that. But it's gotten really hard.
It just feels like the darkness I've been circling has swallowed me whole and I'm drowning. I know I have people who care, I know I could reach out but I don't want to... it's gotten bad enough that there have been nights I've just laid in bed crying and wishing life just came with an off switch.
So I'm trying to force myself to try, to remember that this isn't me... at least I hope this isn't me...
As you may know or not, i'm on a long term sick leave from work, for 9 months already. It's no fun, let me tell you that, i wish i was able to work and do all the things that i want to do, and there are lots of things, big and small. From traveling or even migrating to the other side of the world to get the chance to write fanfic/story's again.
But there's one thing about it that i don't mind at all, that is as little as possible having to interact with people. I have good contact with my best friend and mom who i see at least once a week or more, and the last few weeks i go for "treatment" so i see mostly 2 or 3 people there once a week. But that's about it besides once in a few months someone else and the people in the grocery store, and i definitely like it.
Even the thought of having to work somewhere again scares me, i don't want to be stuck with (that kind of) people every day again. Maybe it's just because of my colleague's of the past 12 years that i feel like that, i mean they where nice and all but we had absolutely nothing in common, i was even the only one who did that work, i was like a construction worker between a bunch of secretary's and ceo's....
But lately it's getting even worse, more and more i feel like i life in my own little world the size of my house, when i have to go shopping or whatever i step into another world. I can get around in that other world it's not that that's scary or difficult, but i rather just not. Time really flies so fast in the world outside of my house i can't keep up. When i have to arrange things with people in that other world it's problematic, it easily can take me 5 days to answer an e-mail without me even noticing it's already been almost a week, and company's start whining "you only have 1 week to submit the form, otherwise we won't do it anymore" things like that, i'm always running behind the facts.
I once tried playing a version of the Sim's (you remember that life simulation game?) on an older computer or something, i'm not really sure what the problem was there. Anyway, the time didn't go as it should be, by the time i had the game persona out of bed, showered and dressed i didn't even get the chance to have breakfast or leave the house because it was already night time again. It feels like that...by the time i have had my coffee and walked the dog and am ready to start the day/doing things, most of the morning is already over, and not because i get out of bed late, i guess i just move slower, everything takes me more time. Even the dog starts whining that it takes too long for me to get ready to get out of the door.
So i'm really worried about how i'm going to life in that world outside of my house if i ever get well enough to work again.
But in the meantime i don't have any problem with being a hermit it the city (outside the city would be even better) and living in my own little world filled with unattainable daydreams.
Do you remember that café we met in? I remember it like it was yesterday. Akram, Fadhil, Baravan, Zamanlabib and I went in there for a drink after our football match. We were so excited and happy. We had beat the club from Taji. This was the third time we’ve played them this year and we finally beat them. We couldn’t believe it. Fadhil and Baravan each scored a goal for us. We were causing such a racket because we had won. Then you walked in with your friends, Dleen and Kayoosh. As soon as my eyes found out, I knew you would be the woman I was going to marry. I just needed to find out who your family was, so I could convince your father that I was the right man for you. When you looked at me, and our eyes met, my heart just stopped. You owned me with your eyes. You game me such a sweet smile.
I went back to the café the next week in the hope that you would come again. I had almost given up when you walked in. This time you were only with Kayoosh. You looked at me and smiled again. I stayed and drank so much chai while I watched you and Kayoosh. You would sneak glances at me when she wasn’t looking. It was so exciting. When you got up to leave, you signaled discreetly that you would be back the next week. I hoped you would come alone so I could talk to you.
The next week, I sat with my chai and waited for you to arrive. As soon as you walked through the door, I was so excited. You looked so shy this time, but then I noticed that you didn’t bring any of your friends. I asked you if you would like drink, and you asked for a sharbat. I stood up to walk over to the counter, and I tripped on the table. I was so embarrassed, but you didn’t laugh, you were concerned that I was OK. Thank you for that.
Telenaz, I remember how we sat and drank our sharbat and talked about our families. We talked about our hobbies. I remembered how interested you were in football. I remember how you asked so many questions, wanting to understand it. I remember asking you about the books you read and the stories you wrote. I remember asking you about all the characters. They were so interesting. You knew the entire life of all of the characters in your stories.
As we sat in that café, week after week, we started writing stories together. You challenged me to create characters that weren’t simple. You challenged me to create characters that were like real people. You taught me how to be creative. I remember teaching you how to play chess. You never really liked it very much, but you played it with me while we talked and talked.
We talked about our future plans. We talked about what we wanted to study at university. What talked about what we wanted to do with our lives. What we wanted to do with for our families. As the weeks went by, our dreams started to include each other. Going to university together. We talked about what it would be like to spend our lives together. We talked about what I would need to do to convince your father to allow me to take your hand in marriage.
I remember the day I had to tell you that I was drafted into the army. Our chai was filled with the tears we shed. Do you remember the promises we made? We promised that we would wait until I finished my tour of duty. It would only be two years. We could wait that long. That wouldn’t be a problem, two years is such a short time. Then I would have saved some money and I could approach your father and ask for your hand in marriage. We hugged each other close, wanting to kiss, but we knew we couldn’t, not just yet.
I left the next day for basic training. In my pocket I had that picture we took together. Through my sixteen weeks of basic training, we wrote emails to each other every week. Our emails filled with love and promises.
As my basic training was finishing, we promised to meet at the café again. Oh, how I looked forward to seeing you again. Those sixteen weeks seemed an eternity, but worth it for the money I saved while in basic training. I remember as I walked down the lane to the café. My heart filled with so much love and excitement. Did you feel the same? I believe you did. My heart tells me you did.
Oh, my Telenaz. Did you hear the rocket coming? I heard it. The sounds made me stop in my tracks. I couldn’t move. Then I saw our café explode in and outward spray of rubble and dust as the world was shattered by the explosion and I was thrown to the ground by the concussion. I stumbled through the rubble to the whole that was our café. Nothing but broken bits of stone, wood, and massive amounts of blood. I was covered in blood as I worked my way through the blood looking for any sign that you might have been there, hoping you had not. Then I found the remnants of your scarf. That’s all I could find. My world died that day my Telenaz.
I went back to my command when I could find nothing of you. I needed to know what happened. Who had attacked us. A civil war had broken out between the Christians and Yazidism. I was so angry with what happened to you, that I had to beg them to let me go to go to the front lines. I needed to revenge you.
Things were very chaotic at the beginning of the war, and we lost quite a few people at the start, but we did start turning things around. After 6 months of being in a regular solider, I volunteered for Black Division, which is our special forces division. I had to go through 3 months of special training.
Once I finished my training, I was immediately sent out to make my first kill. I thought this would be very hard, but I remembered what happened to you, and I found it quite easy. Because of what they did to you, I found it very easy to kill. I very quickly moved up the ranks.
It has now been two years since I lost you. I found myself back in our town. It has changed so much. So many buildings have been destroyed. I found myself walking down the road of where our café was. I found the space that was once our café. All that’s there was a couch, a brazier. Most of the rubble had been cleared away.
I decided to have a sit and relax. My phone vibrated so I had a look. You can imagine my surprise when I saw that I had received an email from you.
Are you alive?
Well, it has been awhile. Yes, I wrote a story a few days ago and posted it
and I've posted here and there trough out NL. I figured I should write a blog post and let people know what's going on with me.
Back in April of 2017, I went to the States to visit my kids and my family. Before I went back to the States, I really got the urge to play ice hockey again. Now, just to give you an idea of how long it's been, the last time I played competitive hockey was back in 1989,. Since that time, I had skated 1 time since then, and that was on February 16, 2016 when Tracy and I went to the little sheet of ice at one of the local malls here in Bangkok, Thailand, (see video below), and it was a lot of fun.
Then on August 20, 2016, Tracy and I went to Central Grand Rama 9 and we saw 2 games put on by the Bangkok Ice Hockey League (BIHL). I did a vlog and a podcast about it back then. It was a lot of fun. Granted these players weren't superstars, but some of them were pretty good. It was a lot of fun.
From this, I was contact by a couple of members from the BIHL, they were getting ready to start their own league, which was the Siam Hockey League (SHL). I met with the president of the SHL, John, and the treasurer, Christian. We sat down and discussed what they would like me to do for the SHL.
What they wanted me to do at that time was to talk about what was going on with the SHL in my podcast, and come out to a few games and interview players. I ended up doing a 10-20 minute news show about the games that happened over that week. I also went to every game and interviewed the player of the game after the games. I had so much fun doing this, and I got to know quite a few of the players. By getting to know these guys, and watching them play, it really spurred my desire to play again.
Then April of 2017, I went back to the States to visit my kids and family, and I decided to pick up hockey gear while I was there. When I got back, I started playing in the Thursday night shinny hockey, which is pick up hockey for those that don't know what shinny is. This was a lot of fun. A lot of the guys were happy to see me put the pads back on. My first game back was pretty rough, but I get a little bit better all the time.
During the off season of the SHL, their Admin guy moved from Bangkok to Singapore, so they asked me if I would like to take off these tasks, which I jumped at. I would continue doing my interview and news show. I also have updated their website and kept track of their stats. I would also be doing the score keeping for the SHL.
While things were getting ready for the SHL to kick off, I was contacted by the organizers of the Land of Smiles Tournament, a long running tournament here in Bangkok. They have teams that come from all over the world. They wanted me to interview the player of the games for the games that I could make it to. And then, on the Saturday of the tournament, they asked me if I would make a some announcements, which I was happy to do.
Once the SHL kicked off, I found it I was a lot busier than I expected I would be. The second season of the SHL is winding down, and although I've been pretty busy, I have enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to doing it again next season. Also, during the SHL season, one of my friends in the SHL, Lance, asked me if I was interested in playing ball hockey. I did this a few time, but I found it difficult with how much I was doing with the SHL, though I do plan on starting to play ball hockey again.
During my time playing shinny hockey, one of the guys I played with, Ob, he asked me to be on his team in the BIHL next season, so I'm really looking forward to that. Also, the Flying Farangs have asked me to take care of their website as well, so I've been doing that. LOL. I just keep adding more and more things. But, the SHL's season is winding down, so I'm finding myself with more free time again, so I can come back here, which, for me, is always a good thing.
Well, I think that's about all, though I'm sure @hirondelle will come by and remind me of a few things, which I will add edits for. LOL.
Always Remember: If there is something you think you might be interested in, you should give it try. You never know, you just might love it.
Before you start reading this story, I do have to make somethings very clear.
This post is very very NSFW
Like my other stories, this work is pure fiction
The characters in this story are both willing participants
This story, in no way, shows that I think men are superior to women. I fully believe that men and women are equal in all aspects of life and should be treated as such.
As this story is NSFW and adult in nature, you read at your own risk, and as such, you cannot hold the writer responsible for your reactions.
Feel free to comment and discuss after you have read.
“Remove all your clothes my pet”, he said as he looked into her in the eyes. With trembling hands, she lifted her top up over her head, she unbuttoned her jeans and pushes them down her legs, reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, and paused. She then looked down and removed her bra, and slowly pushed her panties down her legs. “Kneel pet”, he said sternly, as he continued to look intently at her.
She slowly got down on her knees. He took the long five strides to her slowly. To her it seemed an eternity before he reached her. He placed his hand on the top of her head. Slowly he slid his hand down the side of her face and she leaned into his hand. With the tips of his fingers, he lifted her chin to look into her eyes.
“You have been too long out of your collar”, he said as his brought his other hand out from behind his back her collar in his hand.. “Present for me pet”, he said. She moved forward onto all fours, pulled her shoulders down to expose her neck more as she kept her eyes on the ground. As the collar went around her neck, she felt her heart race and a warmth start to rise in her lower belly. As he slid the strap past each hole, the collar tightened around her neck, the heat between her legs rose and a mew escaped her lips.
She hoped he didn't hear it for she knew he would punish her for it. She hoped he did hear it for she knew he would punish her for it.
Once he had the collar cinched into place he stood before her. “Have you been bad my pet”, he asked her. The tone of his voice told her that he already knew the answer.
She kept her eyes lowered. “Yes Sir. I was a bad pet”, she said with a tremor in her voice.
“What did you do my pet,” he asked.
She knew he knew. She couldn't get out of this one. In a whisper she said “I took..”
“What!” he said sternly, the anger rising in his voice.
“I took a.....”
“WHAT! Speak up pet.” He growled at her.
“I'm sorry Sir. I took another man’s cock into my mouth and I enjoyed it”, she cried. She heard more than saw his feet walk off to the side of the room, heard him grab something off the table. She waited as he feet moved closer to her again, stopping right in front of her.
“You will be punished for this, pet”, he walked behind her out of her site.
She tried to brace for what was to come. She waited and waited. When nothing happened, she relaxed a bit, then before she knew it, she heard the whu and the loud crack of leather hitting flesh, then she felt the sting on her left ass cheek. Whu again and she felt the leather bite into her right ass cheek.
He paused to let her catch her breath. He could see the quick expansion and compression of her ribs as she recovered from the smacks. The redness already glowed on each cheek. He slid the paddle over her cheeks as he stroked her back as he watched her breath start to slow. With a quick flick of his wrist, the paddle again bit into her ass, he stroked her cheeks again and then snapped the paddle into her other cheek. He could now hear her whimpers.
“You more than enjoyed his cock in your mouth, didn’t you pet”, he said.
She nodded, “Yes si….” whu, crack, whu, crack. Whimpers escaped her as she fought to catch her breath again.
He stroked her back again, slid the paddle over her cheeks. His pants were tightening around the hardness of his cock. He slid the paddle between her legs, turning it to force her to open her legs more. He brought the paddle back up and stroked it across the wetness of her lips. She moaned and swayed her hips at the touch. Whu, crack. “Why do I do this my pet?” he asked.
“Because I am such a slut Sir,” she whimpered, her head down. Whu, crack. She jumped a little at the sting, a moan escaped her lips.
“You enjoy sucking cock, don’t you pet,” he stated, more than he asked.
“Yes Sir.” Whu, crack, whu, crack. Her body bucks as an orgasm rips through her body responding to the pleasure pain she has received from the spanks.
He moved back around front of her, undoing his pants, pulling out his hard cock, slowly stroking it. “Show me pet,” he commands her.
She quickly moved forward and reached out to take his cock in her hand. She stroked it, rubbed it against her face…. kissed it…. licked it….., eventually she pulled it into her mouth, working it in and out while she stroked it with her hand, keeping one hand on the ground to maintain her balance.
“Mmmmmm, that’s such a good pet,” he growled at her, as his hips start to move back and forth with the actions of her mouth and hand, causing her to moan in pleasure at being told she is a good pet.
Before he lost too much control, he pulled himself from her mouth and moved around behind her. He positioned his cock at the wet opening of her pussy, easing just the head in. He then grabbed her hips and pulled as he thrusted deep into her. "Now beg pet."
“Oh God yes Sir. Fuck me hard!” she screamed as he drove into her again and again. The passion of them both rising higher and higher. “Aaahh!” she cried hoarsely as her excitement crested and her body started to orgasm, spasming around him, which caused him to thrust deep into her as his own orgasm ripped through his body. They collapsed to the floor as their bodies shook and trembled, coming down from their orgasms, both making unintelligible sounds.
As they started to come down, he stroked her side as he kept his body pressed against her. “I hope I didn’t hurt you my pet.”
“No Sir”, she said as she pressed her body against him more. “Thank you for taking care of me as you do Sir” she said, and he kissed her neck.
Sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the dark. Like inside of me is this huge black void and I'm just wandering around it, fumbling in the dark. Sometimes I lose my footing and I feel the edge crumbling beneath me. I can feel the emptiness there, almost a physical presence breathing down my neck. There's things in the dark, demons circling, waiting for me to trip, their anger seeps into me, changing me.
I'm afraid of who I'm becoming here. I'm losing bits of myself, I feel them slipping away. My hope, my optimism, my trust, my faith, my love, my joy. I feel myself getting harder, The anger is always there now, a simmering pool that I can't seem to stay out of. It almost feels like home.
I don't know if I even want to feel anymore. I'm so tired of hurting, at least if I don't feel anything I don't feel pain. I've been through a lot of things in my life but I've never felt like this for this long before. This is used to be a place I visited, not where I live.
I struggle not to hurt myself. Physical pain reminds me I can still feel. And I want to feel, I truly do, I just don't want to feel this... It's funny too that I feel like physically I look better, depression and darkness look good on me apparently.
I can’t bring myself to send it to the one I want, so I’ll just leave it here.
I broke in two to ease the longing
To stop the gnawing
Of hope into my soul.
In two a thousand brittle shards
My shattered heart bled
And none can bear it.
Three empty wholes rest here
Where eyes and heart once dwell
And now drip tears of hollow hope
Into the void of silent doubt.
What kind of worth can you have
When the white line shackles tie you to the bed?
What dreams resurrect, when buried in the crimson comfort,
A cold steel kiss to send you to sleep and wake the sighing darkness.
a breath against the heart, there and gone
Each step heavier toward the rising dawn
And again to bed, where white line shackles
whisper sweet promises to call you home.
So I guess maybe it's time to add some more to the fairy tale. It gets a bit less action packed as time goes on.
So our "princess" had reached adulthood now. Escaping the frozen lakes of Michigan for the slightly less frozen hills of Wisconsin. It was now 1994 and a couple of months after she got back to Wisconsin she got her diploma in the mail. That summer she decided to go to stay with her grandparents in a more touristy part of the state over by the lake.
It was there she met the next in the line of toads disguised as princes. This one would give her the most precious gems in her world though, eventually. She thought he was the one at first, but it soon became more that he was someone who was comfortable and unchallenging. In 1997 she married her "Prince charming" and she was 7 months pregnant when she did.
In July of that year after 24 hours of labor the first of her true blessings was born. Alexander Ray... her marriage didn't improve with the addition of a baby. "Prince charming" started drinking and his temper showed more often. 3 years later they bought a house together and in September her second blessing was born after 14 hours of excruciating back labor. Lillian Marie.
Again the marriage continued to deteriorate. The drinking increased and the temper got worse towards her and the kids. Shortly later that year they separated for the first time. It got as far as papers being filed but he managed to convince her he would change. That he wouldn't drink so much, that he would never hit the kids or her again. And she, being the optimistic fool she somehow still was, believed him and moved back into their house together.
It was around this same time that she met someone who would come to mean more to her than anything ever had, but, spoilers...
So their life together resumed. The kids grew, they started school and had adventures. Alex turned out to be far more than a handful, he had his father's temper and his mother's stubborn nature, and was a constant challenge. Lily on the other hand was much more quiet, her challenges were yet to come. And so life went on. And in May of 2007, 10 years after the first her 3rd and final blessing was born. Elizabeth Kristine.
The marriage was by this point living on borrowed time. There had been too many fights, too many infidelities (on both sides), too much love lost that was probably never really there in the first place.
I had an interesting experience with a med student this week while I was in for one of my frequent clinic visits. He was researching impacts of poor health on individuals and their coping mechanisms, and he asked me a question I had not even really thought about: "how do you handle having medical conditions that are not common for persons your age?" I realized in that moment how often I had heard (from the upward of one hundred doctors and other health care workers I've interacted with over the past few years) that it's very strange to see my kind of spinal disease and arthritis in someone "so young" (I'm 34).
I had to think on the spot as it's not something I really had considered. Of all the things my depression causes me to wallow in, my physical health is rarely something I brood over. My answer appeared to surprise and delight this young man that was interviewing me, and that answer was "these things happen." Maybe it's because I had an injury at work I can point to. Maybe it's because sometimes there is no good answer for these things. I mean, really, it's not entirely unlike asking why kids get cancer. I have never had a point at which I've reflected on why I have such poor health. It's just there, and I can't control that right now. What I can control is how I respond to it. I get the requisite medical attention, and I've been working at losing weight.
I haven't really faced the possibility that I may never work full time again. That I may not be fully independent again. Perhaps if that time comes, I will face it, and I might lose some of my optimism. But, for now, it's "these things happen." And I'll continue to fight it.
If swearing bothers you please... read no further cause it's about to get vulgar in here...
Fuck this fucking night and everything fucking associated with it. Friday's are bullshit. Every Friday this month I'm the only goddamn night shift cna scheduled. Now thankfully people have been coming in early or staying late but most of the time that leaves just me for at least a couple of hours.
Tonight from 2 am to 4 am there was one cna (me) and one nurse, who isn't even one of our regular nurses and is only there like once a month. And we had someone who we knew probably wouldn't make it through the night and of course she passed at 2:15. So the nurse has to deal with the doctor and the coroner and that leaves me to answer I don't know how many lights, clean up the woman who passed (alone), clean up the woman who took her brief off and basically covered herself and her bed in shit (alone). And like the same 10 people were putting their call lights on every 5 minutes, all spread out on the 3 halls. I walked 8000 steps between midnight and 6, most of it between 2 and 4.
I managed to still be nice to every resident I dealt with, I know it's not their fault and a lot of them feel bad enough getting help with the things they need help with and they know we're short staffed.
I'm wound so goddamn tight right now I won't be able to fall asleep. My everything fucking hurts. And I have 10 hour shifts the next 2 nights. I just want someone to rub my feet and my back and hold me and make me feel like it's not all death and losing your mind.
Edit - and this is why I have dogs...