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About this blog

I am beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws.  Altogether I am a beautiful disaster.

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3 am ramblings

How do you know when you spend too much time online?  When you have dreams about people you only know online...  I just had a dream that I met @hirondelle because somehow we were in the same town and we ran into eachother and were like omg!!!  And then we hung out and took selfies and laughed and had a wonderful time and@Timberwolfwas jealous cause he wasn't there.  And it was so happy and then I woke up and was sad cause it was only a dream and I couldn't go back to it.  And then I realised it was 3:33 am which is creepy cause it's the witching hour and now I can't fall back asleep.

And then I started over analysing my life because that's what your brain does when you wake up in the middle of the night right?  And I felt pathetic because I have no life outside of my family and I haven't seen my best not online friends in months because I'm depressed and I work nights and live in another world from the rest of people who work in the daytime  (aka sleeping hours).  And I feel like I spend my alone time lately talking to myself on here cause everyone else has a life and I'm the only one on here.  

And then of course I start thinking about my fucked up excuse for a relationship and I get depressed and angry and I feel like I'll never truly be happy.  And then I wonder do I even deserve to be happy?  I think I did something truly awful to someone in a past life and I'm being punished for it.  And then I think well maybe if I ended the fucked up relationship I could wake up next to someone and not be alone but the thought of waking up next to someone not him kind of repulses me and I don't want to be with someone solely because I don't want to wake up alone. 

And then my hand starts to go numb because I either have carpal tunnel or something is fucked in my back and it momentarily distracts me as I try to shake/stretch my hand out of pins and needles and now I realise I'm rambling like an idiot but that's what I made this blog for so I could ramble and not bother the rest of the board so it's ok... right? 

And earlier tonight my daughter saw me on here and was like who are these people?  Are you whoring around online with random guys?  Where's the shower guy?  (Cause I was on voice chat with @MaleConfessor one time and I was in the bathroom part hiding from them because they wouldn't stop asking who i was talking to and part because I was getting ready to take a shower before work) and then she was teasing me because for her people online are never who they say they are and I tried to explain I've known these people forever and they're awesome and we met on a book message board so then she said I was a geek lol and I was like yeah so...  And then my son was like you should talk to Spike  (guy he works with that I've met like twice but they insist I flirted with and I probably did but it wasn't flirting with intent) cause Spikes looking.  And then my daughter went back to me whoring around online and poor Garrett and ugh...

And this is a tiny glimpse into my head and why I my brain is never still...



Ok I need to rant...  Work was insane tonight.  I walked almost 10,000 steps in 8 hours, I changed or toileted or helped in some way probably 50 people multiple times each.  We are so short staffed right now it's awful...  we have 66 residents currently and tonight it was just me, 1 nurse and 1 other cna who doesn't normally work nights so I just had her answer call lights while I did everything else.

What really pisses me off is management makes like 40$ an hour and does basically nothing and I make 15$ an hour and do everything.  And they're not even really pushing to hire anyone...  I mean they have openings posted but they always do and when someone tried to apply they said they weren't hiring because the census  (number of residents) was low...  wtf...  And now they're talking about mandating  (forcing people to stay beyond their normal shift or they lose their job)

I'm exhausted, my back hurts, my feet hurt.  It makes me sad and angry the way we treat our elderly.  We under pay and don't appreciate the people who do the hands on day to day care.  We are treated like the lowest of the low when really where would they be without us?  Nursing homes charge a small fortune to insurance companies for these people to be cared for but the staff is so overworked and burnt out that a lot of them don't even really care anymore.  

These pictures are literally me right now... lol.  Thank God I have the next two nights off...  And I love my job, I really do.





Wrong time

Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time.  I felt kind of pretty when I got ready for work today so I took a selfie.  Then when I looked at it I cringed  (as I usually do).  So I made it black and white and then I felt like I looked kind of pretty again.  

So I look ok in black and white, or in bad lightning.  My body was made for another time too, for a time when women were softer, rounder.  Maybe it's my German heritage but I was built to be a bar maid in lederhosen.  Cleavage for days but hide the stomach and arms lol.

Why are we all so critical of ourselves?  I ask as I adjust my too short sleeves down over my upper arms for the 15 thousandth time tonight.  I mean if we're healthy and happy and we can do everything we need to do why is it so awful that my arms aren't toned.  I gave birth to 3 amazing human beings why do I absolutely hate my stomach and my stretch marks?  Why do I always feel self conscious about my stomach or the fact that those 3 amazing humans separated my abdominal muscles so that I may always look a little pregnant?

I wish I could just truly be comfortable in my own skin.  Some days I love me but lately those days are few and far between.  Most days lately I cringe when I see myself, or when I think about myself too much, and then I just want to hide in the dark cave that is my bedroom and not see or talk to anyone.  

But I guess I'll leave it at that, try to see myself through a softer lens... And maybe in black and white.



So tired

I'm so tired today.  I don't know it it's because I've only had 2 days off of work in the past 11 days (and they weren't in a row) or if it's stress or everything else going on in my life but I just can't function today.  I didn't clean the house today, I didn't cook, I didn't really do much of anything.  And I have to work tonight and tomorrow night.  I just asked for and got a change in my schedule though so now I work 9 days every 2 weeks instead of 10 and I have 2 days in a row off once a week.  So hopefully that will help.  I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this...  between work and kids and personal issues I'm just a mess lately.  I need a vacation, or a night out to just forget about everything.  But I can't afford to take a vacation and I've basically alienated all my friends here.


So I'm a mood music person, probably the reason I have "when words fail, music speaks" tattooed on my chest.  And a couple of songs are speaking to me tonight.
Jamie O'Neal - There is no Arizona
Sugarland - Stay
So I've never been great at keeping up with a blog but I notice lately I keep rambling in random places so I'm going to try to contain it to one spot so I'm not subjecting everyone to it all the time.
I thought about doing an audio one but since I'm currently sitting at the nurses station at work between rounds and call lights now isn't the best time.  But maybe tomorrow when I have the night off (yay!)
Anyhow...  for now I think I'll just leave it extra short and sweet and I'll add more soon.
This was hard... lol   I've obviously never done this before so be patient with me while I attempt to figure it out.  Technology hard...  Cave painting easier...  Sorry about the music in the background, like I said I'll maybe get better at this lol.
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