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About this blog

I am beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws.  Altogether I am a beautiful disaster.

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Tika

Darkness

Sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the dark.  Like inside of me is this huge black void and I'm just wandering around it, fumbling in the dark.  Sometimes I lose my footing and I feel the edge crumbling beneath me.  I can feel the emptiness there, almost a physical presence breathing down my neck.  There's things in the dark, demons circling, waiting for me to trip, their anger seeps into me, changing me.

I'm afraid of who I'm becoming here.  I'm losing bits of myself, I feel them slipping away.  My hope, my optimism, my trust, my faith, my love, my joy.  I feel myself getting harder,  The anger is always there now, a simmering pool that I can't seem to stay out of.  It almost feels like home.  

I don't know if I even want to feel anymore.  I'm so tired of hurting, at least if I don't feel anything I don't feel pain.  I've been through a lot of things in my life but I've never felt like this for this long before.  This is used to be a place I visited, not where I live.  

I struggle not to hurt myself.  Physical pain reminds me I can still feel.  And I want to feel, I truly do, I just don't want to feel this...  It's funny too that I feel like physically I look better, depression and darkness look good on me apparently.

20171110_013306.jpg

Tika

So I guess maybe it's time to add some more to the fairy tale.  It gets a bit less action packed as time goes on.

So our "princess" had reached adulthood now.  Escaping the frozen lakes of Michigan for the slightly less frozen hills of Wisconsin.  It was now 1994 and a couple of months after she got back to Wisconsin she got her diploma in the mail.  That summer she decided to go to stay with her grandparents in a more touristy part of the state over by the lake.  

It was there she met the next in the line of toads disguised as princes.  This one would give her the most precious gems in her world though, eventually.  She thought he was the one at first, but it soon became more that he was someone who was comfortable and unchallenging.  In 1997 she married her "Prince charming" and she was 7 months pregnant when she did.

In July of that year after 24 hours of labor the first of her true blessings was born.  Alexander Ray...  her marriage didn't improve with the addition of a baby.  "Prince charming" started drinking and his temper showed more often.  3 years later they bought a house together and in September her second blessing was born after 14 hours of excruciating back labor.  Lillian Marie.  

Again the marriage continued to deteriorate.  The drinking increased and the temper got worse towards her and the kids.  Shortly later that year they separated for the first time.  It got as far as papers being filed but he managed to convince her he would change.  That he wouldn't drink so much, that he would never hit the kids or her again.  And she, being the optimistic fool she somehow still was, believed him and moved back into their house together.

It was around this same time that she met someone who would come to mean more to her than anything ever had, but, spoilers...

So their life together resumed.  The kids grew, they started school and had adventures.  Alex turned out to be far more than a handful, he had his father's temper and his mother's stubborn nature, and was a constant challenge.  Lily on the other hand was much more quiet, her challenges were yet to come.  And so life went on.  And in May of 2007, 10 years after the first her 3rd and final blessing was born.  Elizabeth Kristine.  

The marriage was by this point living on borrowed time. There had been too many fights, too many infidelities  (on both sides), too much love lost that was probably never really there in the first place.

Tika

If swearing bothers you please... read no further cause it's about to get vulgar in here...

 

 

Fuck this fucking night and everything fucking associated with it.  Friday's are bullshit.  Every Friday this month I'm the only goddamn night shift cna scheduled.  Now thankfully people have been coming in early or staying late but most of the time that leaves just me for at least a couple of hours.

Tonight from 2 am to 4 am there was one cna (me) and one nurse, who isn't even one of our regular nurses and is only there like once a month.  And we had someone who we knew probably wouldn't make it through the night and of course she passed at 2:15.  So the nurse has to deal with the doctor and the coroner and that leaves me to answer I don't know how many lights, clean up the woman who passed  (alone), clean up the woman who took her brief off and basically covered herself and her bed in shit (alone).  And like the same 10 people were putting their call lights on every 5 minutes, all spread out on the 3 halls.  I walked 8000 steps between midnight and 6, most of it between 2 and 4.  

I managed to still be nice to every resident I dealt with, I know it's not their fault and a lot of them feel bad enough getting help with the things they need help with and they know we're short staffed.

I'm wound so goddamn tight right now I won't be able to fall asleep.  My everything fucking hurts.  And I have 10 hour shifts the next 2 nights.  I just want someone to rub my feet and my back and hold me and make me feel like it's not all death and losing your mind.

Edit - and this is why I have dogs...20171021_090024.thumb.jpg.c0d1259c600d8f3f869a9a065dbbf16e.jpg

Tika

My Fairy Tale

So my story is much more like the Grimm tales, dark and full of monsters with some moments of clawing your way into the light.  But if you want that light you have to earn it...

So...  once upon a time there was a girl.  Curly haired and innocent and sweet, not a perfect angel and never would be but certainly less weathered then the current version.

As she grew she went through the things most kids do, skinned knees and imaginary friends.  Some good friends but she was by nature a shy child, always towards the outside of any group. The mother was a bit on the crazy side sometimes, not evil stepmother material but she battled with her own demons and the girl tried to fight alongside her but she wouldn't understand for a long time what depression truly was, or anxiety, or stress or how hard it was to raise a child without a father.

And there was no real father in this fairy tale.   There was a man who came to see her every few years and sometimes he would remember to send a Christmas present or a birthday card.  She didn't realise it then but this is probably where her desperate need for the attention of men began.  There was also a stepfather but he was also distant, a scientist who looked at her more as a case study then a daughter.  He tried but fatherhood wasn't in his nature.

Then she hit those magical years otherwise known as puberty and found drama and rumors and boys...  oh to have never discovered boys...  it was a slippery slope to nowhere after that.  Her first boy seemed sweet at first. The neighbor boy from up the road.  All the things a first boy should be, holding hands and akward kisses.  But then one day he brought his older cousin with him, the popular boy at her school, good looking, the one she had secretly crushed on a little but never said anything.

That memory is still one of those strange things where parts are crystal clear and parts are lost in a fog.  She remembers the hands on her, rough, painful.  She remembers the hand on her mouth covering her screams and the tears.  But then it all fades away, a dark cloud until she was somehow back in her house, in the shower, crying, bleeding, wondering what she did wrong.

This went on for almost a year.  Threats of hurting her or hurting her family if she said anything or if she stopped seeing them.   Some times are again as clear as daylight.  "How can you scream with my dick in your mouth" is one that always replays even now.  Finally she moved to a different town and it ended.  But the damage was done, the rumors at school that she was a whore, even though she never did say anything.  The inability to feel worthy of love grew further.

Then at 15 on one of the few trips to see her father in another state she met the first "one" and fell head over heels.  He was cute and sweet and he told her he loved her and she gave him all she had to give at the time, which looking back now wasn't really much but then it was everything.  They spent a few short sweet weeks together and she returned home, promising to be true and always love him.  And she was true.  But he wasn't.  Eventually the distance became to much, the calls and the letters stopped.

So she gathered up the pieces of her heart and moved on.  Except she didn't.. a couple of years later she went back to Michigan and started seeing the first "one" again.  But this time she met his friend too (unknowing that the first one was cheating on her and wanted her to date the friend).  This however turned out to be a blessing in disguise as this new boy was so much more.  This one was actually good and decent and finally 5 years after the loss of her virginity she learned that there was pleasure in sex.  Although that relationship didn't last either this one she still remembers fondly and still speaks with every once in a great while.

During the long cold winter that was her senior year she came to know the man who was her father.  And she came to see he really was worthless as a father.  He drank himself unconscious every night, leaving her to get a full time job after school just so they could eat.  He lost their house in February, which could have been a frozen death sentence but they managed to find a 3 room house (and that term is very loosely used) as this house had been stripped of most of the light fixtures, had no running water and barely any heat.  The grades she had worked so hard for fell dramatically and she barely managed to graduate and flee back to Wisconsin.

This pretty much brings her story into adulthood.  Well legal adulthood, since mentally she had been forced into adulthood a long time ago.

The story of course doesn't end here but it's enough for now...

Tika
How do you know when you spend too much time online?  When you have dreams about people you only know online...  I just had a dream that I met @hirondelle because somehow we were in the same town and we ran into eachother and were like omg!!!  And then we hung out and took selfies and laughed and had a wonderful time and@Timberwolfwas jealous cause he wasn't there.  And it was so happy and then I woke up and was sad cause it was only a dream and I couldn't go back to it.  And then I realised it was 3:33 am which is creepy cause it's the witching hour and now I can't fall back asleep.
And then I started over analysing my life because that's what your brain does when you wake up in the middle of the night right?  And I felt pathetic because I have no life outside of my family and I haven't seen my best not online friends in months because I'm depressed and I work nights and live in another world from the rest of people who work in the daytime  (aka sleeping hours).  And I feel like I spend my alone time lately talking to myself on here cause everyone else has a life and I'm the only one on here.  
And then of course I start thinking about my fucked up excuse for a relationship and I get depressed and angry and I feel like I'll never truly be happy.  And then I wonder do I even deserve to be happy?  I think I did something truly awful to someone in a past life and I'm being punished for it.  And then I think well maybe if I ended the fucked up relationship I could wake up next to someone and not be alone but the thought of waking up next to someone not him kind of repulses me and I don't want to be with someone solely because I don't want to wake up alone. 
And then my hand starts to go numb because I either have carpal tunnel or something is fucked in my back and it momentarily distracts me as I try to shake/stretch my hand out of pins and needles and now I realise I'm rambling like an idiot but that's what I made this blog for so I could ramble and not bother the rest of the board so it's ok... right? 
And earlier tonight my daughter saw me on here and was like who are these people?  Are you whoring around online with random guys?  Where's the shower guy?  (Cause I was on voice chat with @MaleConfessor one time and I was in the bathroom part hiding from them because they wouldn't stop asking who i was talking to and part because I was getting ready to take a shower before work) and then she was teasing me because for her people online are never who they say they are and I tried to explain I've known these people forever and they're awesome and we met on a book message board so then she said I was a geek lol and I was like yeah so...  And then my son was like you should talk to Spike  (guy he works with that I've met like twice but they insist I flirted with and I probably did but it wasn't flirting with intent) cause Spikes looking.  And then my daughter went back to me whoring around online and poor Garrett and ugh...
And this is a tiny glimpse into my head and why I my brain is never still...
Tika
Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time.  I felt kind of pretty when I got ready for work today so I took a selfie.  Then when I looked at it I cringed  (as I usually do).  So I made it black and white and then I felt like I looked kind of pretty again.  
So I look ok in black and white, or in bad lightning.  My body was made for another time too, for a time when women were softer, rounder.  Maybe it's my German heritage but I was built to be a bar maid in lederhosen.  Cleavage for days but hide the stomach and arms lol.
Why are we all so critical of ourselves?  I ask as I adjust my too short sleeves down over my upper arms for the 15 thousandth time tonight.  I mean if we're healthy and happy and we can do everything we need to do why is it so awful that my arms aren't toned.  I gave birth to 3 amazing human beings why do I absolutely hate my stomach and my stretch marks?  Why do I always feel self conscious about my stomach or the fact that those 3 amazing humans separated my abdominal muscles so that I may always look a little pregnant?
I wish I could just truly be comfortable in my own skin.  Some days I love me but lately those days are few and far between.  Most days lately I cringe when I see myself, or when I think about myself too much, and then I just want to hide in the dark cave that is my bedroom and not see or talk to anyone.  
But I guess I'll leave it at that, try to see myself through a softer lens... And maybe in black and white.

Tika
So I'm a mood music person, probably the reason I have "when words fail, music speaks" tattooed on my chest.  And a couple of songs are speaking to me tonight.
Jamie O'Neal - There is no Arizona
Sugarland - Stay
 
Tika
So I've never been great at keeping up with a blog but I notice lately I keep rambling in random places so I'm going to try to contain it to one spot so I'm not subjecting everyone to it all the time.
I thought about doing an audio one but since I'm currently sitting at the nurses station at work between rounds and call lights now isn't the best time.  But maybe tomorrow when I have the night off (yay!)
Anyhow...  for now I think I'll just leave it extra short and sweet and I'll add more soon.
Tika
Ok I need to rant...  Work was insane tonight.  I walked almost 10,000 steps in 8 hours, I changed or toileted or helped in some way probably 50 people multiple times each.  We are so short staffed right now it's awful...  we have 66 residents currently and tonight it was just me, 1 nurse and 1 other cna who doesn't normally work nights so I just had her answer call lights while I did everything else.
What really pisses me off is management makes like 40$ an hour and does basically nothing and I make 15$ an hour and do everything.  And they're not even really pushing to hire anyone...  I mean they have openings posted but they always do and when someone tried to apply they said they weren't hiring because the census  (number of residents) was low...  wtf...  And now they're talking about mandating  (forcing people to stay beyond their normal shift or they lose their job)
I'm exhausted, my back hurts, my feet hurt.  It makes me sad and angry the way we treat our elderly.  We under pay and don't appreciate the people who do the hands on day to day care.  We are treated like the lowest of the low when really where would they be without us?  Nursing homes charge a small fortune to insurance companies for these people to be cared for but the staff is so overworked and burnt out that a lot of them don't even really care anymore.  
These pictures are literally me right now... lol.  Thank God I have the next two nights off...  And I love my job, I really do.



Tika
I'm so tired today.  I don't know it it's because I've only had 2 days off of work in the past 11 days (and they weren't in a row) or if it's stress or everything else going on in my life but I just can't function today.  I didn't clean the house today, I didn't cook, I didn't really do much of anything.  And I have to work tonight and tomorrow night.  I just asked for and got a change in my schedule though so now I work 9 days every 2 weeks instead of 10 and I have 2 days in a row off once a week.  So hopefully that will help.  I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this...  between work and kids and personal issues I'm just a mess lately.  I need a vacation, or a night out to just forget about everything.  But I can't afford to take a vacation and I've basically alienated all my friends here.

Tika
This was hard... lol   I've obviously never done this before so be patient with me while I attempt to figure it out.  Technology hard...  Cave painting easier...  Sorry about the music in the background, like I said I'll maybe get better at this lol.
 
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