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3 am ramblings

Tika

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How do you know when you spend too much time online?  When you have dreams about people you only know online...  I just had a dream that I met @hirondelle because somehow we were in the same town and we ran into eachother and were like omg!!!  And then we hung out and took selfies and laughed and had a wonderful time and@Timberwolfwas jealous cause he wasn't there.  And it was so happy and then I woke up and was sad cause it was only a dream and I couldn't go back to it.  And then I realised it was 3:33 am which is creepy cause it's the witching hour and now I can't fall back asleep.

And then I started over analysing my life because that's what your brain does when you wake up in the middle of the night right?  And I felt pathetic because I have no life outside of my family and I haven't seen my best not online friends in months because I'm depressed and I work nights and live in another world from the rest of people who work in the daytime  (aka sleeping hours).  And I feel like I spend my alone time lately talking to myself on here cause everyone else has a life and I'm the only one on here.  

And then of course I start thinking about my fucked up excuse for a relationship and I get depressed and angry and I feel like I'll never truly be happy.  And then I wonder do I even deserve to be happy?  I think I did something truly awful to someone in a past life and I'm being punished for it.  And then I think well maybe if I ended the fucked up relationship I could wake up next to someone and not be alone but the thought of waking up next to someone not him kind of repulses me and I don't want to be with someone solely because I don't want to wake up alone. 

And then my hand starts to go numb because I either have carpal tunnel or something is fucked in my back and it momentarily distracts me as I try to shake/stretch my hand out of pins and needles and now I realise I'm rambling like an idiot but that's what I made this blog for so I could ramble and not bother the rest of the board so it's ok... right? 

And earlier tonight my daughter saw me on here and was like who are these people?  Are you whoring around online with random guys?  Where's the shower guy?  (Cause I was on voice chat with @MaleConfessor one time and I was in the bathroom part hiding from them because they wouldn't stop asking who i was talking to and part because I was getting ready to take a shower before work) and then she was teasing me because for her people online are never who they say they are and I tried to explain I've known these people forever and they're awesome and we met on a book message board so then she said I was a geek lol and I was like yeah so...  And then my son was like you should talk to Spike  (guy he works with that I've met like twice but they insist I flirted with and I probably did but it wasn't flirting with intent) cause Spikes looking.  And then my daughter went back to me whoring around online and poor Garrett and ugh...

And this is a tiny glimpse into my head and why I my brain is never still...

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I can't say I have nights where I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, but I do have days where I ramble to myself.  LOL.  That's were I get some of my stories.  And it's cool to be a geek!  :D 

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Sorry you feel this bad. I had a bad turn a few years ago where I was replaying a negative loop. It created quite bad insomnia and in the end I had to go to the docs for some pharmaceutical help. He gave me 10 days worth of Xanax which I managed to make last a month haha. Anyway forget what your kids think, it is easy knowing everything when you are young. Focus on putting yourself first for a while  @Tika. Between your job, kids and lover I feel you might be in danger of giving yourself away. Love ya lady... thank you for dreaming of me ❤️

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I gave myself away a long time ago.  I've been trying to reclaim myself but it's hard going.  And there have been some setbacks along the way...  it's in my nature to give but I know giving too much isn't good for me

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I had that same problem, @Tika. Giving myself away to the point i almost lost myself completely. The doc told me I needed to be selfish! The thing is, it worked. I took time for myself every Saturday and Sunday morning, I went for a swim and a coffee and just took time for me. I still go for a coffee by myself or take a long walk along the canal if I feel I need to every now and then, it helps to ground myself and to realise I'm my own person, as well as a husband and father...and someone who uses the term "myself" an awful lot!

 

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Thank you @Squarepeg good for you :hug:  It's hard to be selfish if you're the kind of person who takes care of everyone else.  I've found lately though it's getting harder and harder for me to take care of anyone especially me

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My mum did that to a large extent, but what she couldn't see and what everyone around her could see is that is was a kind of unwanted martyrdom.  Yes, my dad took advantage of it as men of that generation were inclined to do, negligently rather than maliciously... but I think he would have preferred the slightly more selfish version of her.  Their marriage would have been more fulfilling for both of them if she hadn't made it so easy for him to take her for granted.  I know every story is different but I guess you have to balance what you want to do for your children and how you want to empower them.  You have to model independence as well as be there for them. I know you know this.  Glad to hear you found a way to find yourself again @Squarepeg also enjoy the photographs that come from your solitary walks and coffees.

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