How do you know when you spend too much time online? When you have dreams about people you only know online... I just had a dream that I met @hirondelle because somehow we were in the same town and we ran into eachother and were like omg!!! And then we hung out and took selfies and laughed and had a wonderful time and@Timberwolfwas jealous cause he wasn't there. And it was so happy and then I woke up and was sad cause it was only a dream and I couldn't go back to it. And then I realised it was 3:33 am which is creepy cause it's the witching hour and now I can't fall back asleep.
And then I started over analysing my life because that's what your brain does when you wake up in the middle of the night right? And I felt pathetic because I have no life outside of my family and I haven't seen my best not online friends in months because I'm depressed and I work nights and live in another world from the rest of people who work in the daytime (aka sleeping hours). And I feel like I spend my alone time lately talking to myself on here cause everyone else has a life and I'm the only one on here.
And then of course I start thinking about my fucked up excuse for a relationship and I get depressed and angry and I feel like I'll never truly be happy. And then I wonder do I even deserve to be happy? I think I did something truly awful to someone in a past life and I'm being punished for it. And then I think well maybe if I ended the fucked up relationship I could wake up next to someone and not be alone but the thought of waking up next to someone not him kind of repulses me and I don't want to be with someone solely because I don't want to wake up alone.
And then my hand starts to go numb because I either have carpal tunnel or something is fucked in my back and it momentarily distracts me as I try to shake/stretch my hand out of pins and needles and now I realise I'm rambling like an idiot but that's what I made this blog for so I could ramble and not bother the rest of the board so it's ok... right?
And earlier tonight my daughter saw me on here and was like who are these people? Are you whoring around online with random guys? Where's the shower guy? (Cause I was on voice chat with @MaleConfessor one time and I was in the bathroom part hiding from them because they wouldn't stop asking who i was talking to and part because I was getting ready to take a shower before work) and then she was teasing me because for her people online are never who they say they are and I tried to explain I've known these people forever and they're awesome and we met on a book message board so then she said I was a geek lol and I was like yeah so... And then my son was like you should talk to Spike (guy he works with that I've met like twice but they insist I flirted with and I probably did but it wasn't flirting with intent) cause Spikes looking. And then my daughter went back to me whoring around online and poor Garrett and ugh...
And this is a tiny glimpse into my head and why I my brain is never still...