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Darkness

Tika

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Sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the dark.  Like inside of me is this huge black void and I'm just wandering around it, fumbling in the dark.  Sometimes I lose my footing and I feel the edge crumbling beneath me.  I can feel the emptiness there, almost a physical presence breathing down my neck.  There's things in the dark, demons circling, waiting for me to trip, their anger seeps into me, changing me.

I'm afraid of who I'm becoming here.  I'm losing bits of myself, I feel them slipping away.  My hope, my optimism, my trust, my faith, my love, my joy.  I feel myself getting harder,  The anger is always there now, a simmering pool that I can't seem to stay out of.  It almost feels like home.  

I don't know if I even want to feel anymore.  I'm so tired of hurting, at least if I don't feel anything I don't feel pain.  I've been through a lot of things in my life but I've never felt like this for this long before.  This is used to be a place I visited, not where I live.  

I struggle not to hurt myself.  Physical pain reminds me I can still feel.  And I want to feel, I truly do, I just don't want to feel this...  It's funny too that I feel like physically I look better, depression and darkness look good on me apparently.

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