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So I've been missing in action for a while.  I've really been struggling with depression and not wanting to interact with anyone including my own family.  Most days I have to fight off the urge to just hide in my room because I know I can't do that to my kids.  I grew up with a parent who would get depressed and go to bed for weeks and I refuse to let myself become that.  But it's gotten really hard.

It just feels like the darkness I've been circling has swallowed me whole and I'm drowning.  I know I have people who care, I know I could reach out but I don't want to...  it's gotten bad enough that there have been nights I've just laid in bed crying and wishing life just came with an off switch.  

So I'm trying to force myself to try, to remember that this isn't me...  at least I hope this isn't me...

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So sorry you are feeling this way Tika.  I understand the off switch thought... I have been there too - but now I am glad it doesn't because maybe I would have used it, and I wouldn't be here now to appreciate coming through? But as I think you understand coming through takes work and until you find the thing that makes a difference, trying all the things one inevitably tries seems to pointless and futile.  Don't isolate yourself though hun.  As tempting as it is - that way is full dark.  Find new people maybe? 

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I can't really isolate myself, kids, work, life won't really allow it.  It probably doesn't help much that it's winter (otherwise known as hibernation season) here still.

I think my job and my hours isolate me in a way too, working nights I can't sleep on nights I'm off and I spend a lot of time alone at work with nothing but my own toxic thoughts.  I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it's there but damn it's dark here in the middle.

And nursing is a rough field for depression, too many final moments this winter.

Edited by Tika
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I don't have any useful advice hun. But know I'm here if you want to chat. Here Facebook messenger, line WhatsApp. 

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