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Sometimes it's too much

Tika

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I don't know if I can take anymore, working in the field I'm in while I'm at the lowest point emotionally I've been at in a long time if not ever.  I'm 2 hours into an 8 hour shift and I just watched someone die.  And it's not the first, or the last.  I feel sometimes like I'm surrounded by death and sickness, maybe not feel like, I am surrounded by it.

Right now I really just want to go home, curl up in a ball and cry.  I want someone to just hold me and tell me life is worth living.  That we're not just all on a slow trip to wind up here...  dumped off by your family to die alone surrounded by strangers.  I have seen some families who are here for their loved ones but I've seen too many who are alone at the end, or holding a hand they don't know.  And no matter how much I care or try to provide some measure of comfort I always feel bad and I know it's not the same.

I don't want to wind up like that.  I don't want to wind up alone, I feel like I'm alone now, even with the kids I still wind up feeling so detached lately.  So when I do let myself feel, or when it gets so much that I have no choice but to feel it's like drowning.

Edit - 6 hours and 8,000 steps later I'm home and I have absolutely nothing left.  I don't have the emotional energy left to do more than tell my daughter I love her before I crawl into bed.  My feet hurt, my back hurts, my heart hurts, I'm just so very very done with everything.

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Right now I really just want to go home, curl up in a ball and cry.  I want someone to just hold me and tell me life is worth living.  That we're not just all on a slow trip to wind up here...  dumped off by your family to die alone surrounded by strangers.  I have seen some families who are here for their loved ones but I've seen too many who are alone at the end, or holding a hand they don't know.  And no matter how much I care or try to provide some measure of comfort I always feel bad and I know it's not the same.

This right here says you are worth more than their family.  You are there for them when their family dropped them off and just left them.  You're there for the families that do make it there to see their loved ones.

I can remember when I was younger, my great grandmother was in a care facility because.  She had been in one since my great grandfather's Alzheimer's got too bad.  She had a really sharp mind until the end when she was 105.  I used to visit her at least twice a year with my parents until I started driving, then I would visit her on my own or with my sisters if they were with me.  The rest of my family would visit more often as they were closer.  The staff at this facility were amazing.  Over worked, but they were there for those that didn't have family and there for those that did.  

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