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Sometimes it's too much



I don't know if I can take anymore, working in the field I'm in while I'm at the lowest point emotionally I've been at in a long time if not ever.  I'm 2 hours into an 8 hour shift and I just watched someone die.  And it's not the first, or the last.  I feel sometimes like I'm surrounded by death and sickness, maybe not feel like, I am surrounded by it.

Right now I really just want to go home, curl up in a ball and cry.  I want someone to just hold me and tell me life is worth living.  That we're not just all on a slow trip to wind up here...  dumped off by your family to die alone surrounded by strangers.  I have seen some families who are here for their loved ones but I've seen too many who are alone at the end, or holding a hand they don't know.  And no matter how much I care or try to provide some measure of comfort I always feel bad and I know it's not the same.

I don't want to wind up like that.  I don't want to wind up alone, I feel like I'm alone now, even with the kids I still wind up feeling so detached lately.  So when I do let myself feel, or when it gets so much that I have no choice but to feel it's like drowning.

Edit - 6 hours and 8,000 steps later I'm home and I have absolutely nothing left.  I don't have the emotional energy left to do more than tell my daughter I love her before I crawl into bed.  My feet hurt, my back hurts, my heart hurts, I'm just so very very done with everything.


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