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Kenai

What made you sad?

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22 hours ago, Squarepeg said:

The horrible feeling of inadequacy that creeps over me on an all too regular basis.

This. EXACTLY this.

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Going to the chiropractor today for the first time in like 20 years and now all my joints hurt 

Feeling extra alone today

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Changing a resident today who is in her last days...  there's just... nothing left of her.  I try to remember she's 103 years old, she's lived a full amazing life but it's so hard sometimes.  I just wanted to sit and hold her but I couldn't, I didn't have time to.  So instead I stroked her hair, kissed her forehead, told her how beautiful she is and said "sweet dreams sweetheart" and bit back tears.

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It hasnt quite happened yet today, however just knowing its about to is making me sad. In a couple hours i will be dropping my foster cat off at a new foster home. This cat has stolen my heart and i really wanted to adopt her. 
She looks a lot like my snoopy, the cat who was my best friend in the worst times. She is super cuddly, as i write this she is sleeping on my lap. shes bossy and follows me around chatting to me. She came into my home after being rehomed on kijiji twice in a month. They didnt explain why they wanted to get rid of her, but im pretty sure it was because she was peeing outside the box.
She had a reason, all fosters go to the vet, shots, fixed, chipped and general health check. when the vet was checking to see if he could find signs of if she was fixed he found a mass.
they opened her up.. her bladder was huge, filled with sandy crystals. the vet was surprised she survived the surgery, he was surprised her bladder hadnt exploded before we got to her it was so full.
After getting to us we noticed a lump on her ear, back to the vet she goes. its a tumor, luckly begnin, they took it off.
she was with us a few more months, we were getting ready to adopt her.. and she starts peeing outside the box again, back to the vet, she needs some meds to help pass more crystals. shes loosing weight at a rapid rate, whats wrong? back in for bloodwork.
Oh great, shes got diabetes.
Chris and I can no longer adopt her, we dont have the moolah to adopt a diabetic cat.
at some point in all this she starts attacking the resident cat... its getting worse and worse, more and more often,
Our cat is starting to pee out of the box, hes throwing up more, he doesnt walk with the same confidence, he always seems nervous.
We had to ask for her to be moved.. and now she is.. this is probably my last hour with her.. and im going to miss her something fierce. Ive had a lot of fosters.. but this one.. this one is going to be hard to let go.
Im going to cry, im almost crying now. I dont want her to go... but we cant keep her.. 




 

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You have so much love for those cats Pyro. It's something I've always admired about you.  It takes a lot of strength to love an animal and then to give them up to their forever home. 

It probably doesn't help the grief now, I just wanted to say it. 

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Thank you Kenai. It's not usually so hard because I don't usually have them so long and they don't look so much like my Snoopy

also they usually are not as cuddly, this girl would spend pretty much all day on my lap.

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I'm feeling exceptionally lonely today. Just. So alone and so lonely. And I asked a question last night that I didn't have to ask, in order to make plans I hope I never have to execute. Kind of like going for a walk on an overcast day with an umbrella - you bring it just in case you need it, but you hope you don't need it. I have plans in place so that I have them if I need them, but I hope I never need them.

(VAGUEPOSTING, I know. Sorry folks, it's about as specific as it's going to get.)

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My friend just cried in my office. 

My co-worker just lost her brother in law to cancer. He was 31.

I thought things were okay last night, then woke up this morning and discovered that they're exactly where they were two weeks ago in the grand scheme of things. (One step forward, twenty steps back.)

:( 

Edited by fox
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I have NO idea, but here we are. By rights, I should be happy (see happy thread), but I woke up in a super shitty, depressed mood. I'm trying to be gently firm with myself. This is something I CAN talk myself out of. It will be better when I'm distracted by work. 

I THINK it's because I haven't been eating super well this week (I have been, until the evenings. There's no one here and I have time. APPARENTLY that's what I need to get my binge on. So I have binge guilt, not eating well guilt, and not having accomplished as much academically, or, frankly, domestically, as I had wanted to this week. BUT. I have gymmed every day so far, and will again today and tomorrow, I did get academic and domestic shit done, and I HAVE pwnt one personal goal. So. SEE FOX...? You're doing okay, be a bit more kind to yourself.... 

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Being woken up by the pain in my throat because my beautiful, thoughtful, delightful child decided to share their germs and now I am sick too.

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The gardener who lives in our compound had a little chihuahua that came to visit Spike sometimes, He was really cute and cheeky and when he saw me he would always run so fast to say hi to me, like he knew I was a chihuahua-mummy and therefore would be pleased to see him.  Well he hasn't been around for a while, I was scared to ask the gardener why - he also had a Shitzu and that is still around so I was worried the chi had got sick and died or sthg.  @Timberwolf found out today that it was killed by one of the Thai Ridgeback guard dogs in the next door house.  The owner is a rich arrogant cunt who doesn't train or control his dogs and lets them run off his property even though they are dangerous.  Apparently they got out and saw Gatii and chased him down and broke his neck.  Fuck stupid people and their stupid fucking dogs. My heart is breaking.

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On 10/28/2017 at 7:23 AM, hirondelle said:

The gardener who lives in our compound had a little chihuahua that came to visit Spike sometimes, He was really cute and cheeky and when he saw me he would always run so fast to say hi to me, like he knew I was a chihuahua-mummy and therefore would be pleased to see him.  Well he hasn't been around for a while, I was scared to ask the gardener why - he also had a Shitzu and that is still around so I was worried the chi had got sick and died or sthg.  @Timberwolf found out today that it was killed by one of the Thai Ridgeback guard dogs in the next door house.  The owner is a rich arrogant cunt who doesn't train or control his dogs and lets them run off his property even though they are dangerous.  Apparently they got out and saw Gatii and chased him down and broke his neck.  Fuck stupid people and their stupid fucking dogs. My heart is breaking.

Oh no. I'm so sorry, @hirondelle. What an awful story and an awful, heartbreaking event for that poor man. I just. Fuck. See. People. :( My dog isn't always safe for other dogs, she's hyper assertive - not aggressive, though it can look that way - and may not be gentle, especially with smaller dogs. But I'm hyper aware of that and very, very careful about where she is and how she is at all times. I don't understand why people can't take responsibility for their animals. The animals are doing animal things, they're not to blame. The people. The irresponsible, unthoughtful people. :( 

And you're beautiful. Body, mind, heart, and soul. I'm sorry you're experiencing that thought.

My sads: just when I thought it couldn't possibly get worse - when, in fact, it was so much better and more beautiful and hopeful than it had been in a long, long time - it got worse. Much, much worse. :(

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7 hours ago, fox said:

Oh no. I'm so sorry, @hirondelle. What an awful story and an awful, heartbreaking event for that poor man. I just. Fuck. See. People. :( My dog isn't always safe for other dogs, she's hyper assertive - not aggressive, though it can look that way - and may not be gentle, especially with smaller dogs. But I'm hyper aware of that and very, very careful about where she is and how she is at all times. I don't understand why people can't take responsibility for their animals. The animals are doing animal things, they're not to blame. The people. The irresponsible, unthoughtful people. :( 

And you're beautiful. Body, mind, heart, and soul. I'm sorry you're experiencing that thought.

My sads: just when I thought it couldn't possibly get worse - when, in fact, it was so much better and more beautiful and hopeful than it had been in a long, long time - it got worse. Much, much worse. :(

I am sorry you are going through stuff. I love you - I know it isn't super helpful, but it is what I have.  Just piling on the love.

Thank you for the words - yeah in all honesty the gardener is at fault too, he walks his dogs without a lead.  I don't know if he had Gatii on a lead he would have been able to pick him up in time and would that have saved him? Not point in speculating.  Just the arrogance of the rich guy annoys me, he lives in a mansion... his two big aggressive dogs come off his property and shit everywhere (on the common driveway) on a daily basis. And if there is another dog about they attack it.  Gatii is the second dog they attacked, he is just the first little dog and thus the first fatality.  Too rich to care. Money does make you untouchable here.

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Editing something old. Because of how it could be used now. If it could be used now. Because it would be. Because of course it would be.

Fuck. :( 

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My grandma is in the hospital, again. it seems like she spends more time in than out these days. this time its pneumonia, she just got over another infection and thrush (which made her lose way too much weight)  She has been staying with my aunt for a bit to be closer to the big city hospital. 
Today my cousin (daughter of the same aunt that has been taking care of my grandma) is in the hospital, she is very sick... very very sick. shes in quarantine because it may be meningitis. 
and yesterday my possibly pregnant foster cat threw up worms, we cant deworm her because if she is preggers the dewormer could hurt the kittens. Also though she has been confined to her own room im worried about our cats getting worms too.
All in all this just hasnt been a great week. I am feeling emotional and Anxious. I am worried my grandma wont get over this, I am worried about my cousin, if it is meningitis she could die or have a multitude of issues to plauge her for the rest of her life. I am worried that the worms in the preggers cat my hurt her or the babies, Ive never fostered or had a pregnant cat before, i am woefully unprepared.
To top it all off my mom had me buy something off one of those buy and sells on facebook and she will be having to come pick it up at some point, which means i really should be making the house look company ready (and i dont get along much with my mom) but i cant seem to get up the get up and go to actually do anything

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Realizing that it's been so long since I've posted here.  I got so caught up with working with the SHL and working full time, I just didn't have time to get back here.  Things are in a bit of a  lul right now with the SHL, but wow have I been busy.  2 game nights a week, recording interviews, recording news, updating the stats, admining.  All this with also working full time.  I'm so sorry, I miss you all.

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Today is my mum and dad's anniversary but I am probably the only one remembering them together and their love.  Mum is old now and she is muddled and forgetful.  She doesn't really remember things until she is reminded.  Although dad has only been gone 8 years she doesn't really remember him super positively, she is angry he left her and old age seems to have taken her happy memories and left her with memories of the more difficult / less rewarding moments in her marriage (honestly dad could be difficult, but he had a lot of good in him too).  I hope this doesn't happen to me. I wish it hadn't happened to mum.  Love doesn't always conquer all.

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On 12/20/2017 at 6:22 PM, Forest Mage said:

My uncle passed away tonight around 6:15 p.m. :(

So sorry, FM. <3 Lots of love. I hope you and your loved ones are finding peace and love and whatever you need at this time.

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19 hours ago, hirondelle said:

Today is my mum and dad's anniversary but I am probably the only one remembering them together and their love.  Mum is old now and she is muddled and forgetful.  She doesn't really remember things until she is reminded.  Although dad has only been gone 8 years she doesn't really remember him super positively, she is angry he left her and old age seems to have taken her happy memories and left her with memories of the more difficult / less rewarding moments in her marriage (honestly dad could be difficult, but he had a lot of good in him too).  I hope this doesn't happen to me. I wish it hadn't happened to mum.  Love doesn't always conquer all.

You. Just love. So very much love. And cuddles. And tea/coffee. And quiet, peaceful, screamifyouneedit love.

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