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Aliea

Self Harm

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One of the more serious sides of mental health that people avoid to talk about.

So, I self harm, At least once a week normally more so on a bad week. Small deep cuts that I let bleed.

It's hard for self harmers  to talk about it simply because of the stigma that people put on it. They think you are seeking attention and that you are stupid for doing it. They don't understand the release that comes from doing it, the quietness that descended, the wall that builds up blocking out all the hateful words running through your mind. The also don't get that it is a physical manifistation of the cuts and scars that are covering your broken mind.

So, I'm a self harmer, I am suicidal but I am still here and still fighting and that is all I can ask for right now.

Edited by Aliea
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Thank you for sharing. I don't really have anything intelligent or useful to say because I have never been there - and I think it is one of those things where it doesn't help coming from one who hasn't been there.  Like I can't take diet and fitness advice from someone who has never had a weight problem and I couldn't tolerate non-smokers advising me on how to quit.  But I do understand... I have been there in my head enough. I understand why you do it.  Anyway I love your courage for posting this, and I love you.  Keep fighting.

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Argggghhhhhh giving in so bad today! I can't stop and the calmness is not lasting long, I don't know what is going on!!!!!

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I THINK cutting will be a bit like smoking. The calmness that comes after the cut is simply the very temporary relief of stress caused by the desire to cut. That is once you are addicted. You feel agitated because you want to cut Hun. Cutting will only make it worse. However you need help to stop the cycle... it is a lot to do alone. I wish I was nearer. 

There are some resources in the UK who can help http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/self_injury.php

is there anything I can do?

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I'm trying to keep myself busy until I have to go to work but it doesn't always work.

It's fine, it's all fine I just need to scream and the NL is a place i feel safe. I'm fine hun.

Edited by Aliea
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I know sweetie. Love u too and I keep telling myself today is nearly over and tomorrow is a new day. It won't last forever x x

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*hugs* i have bipolar and live with a few people that are/were cutters. It's a tough fight, but I've found support in surprising places.

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I know we're not as close as you are with the others but I'm here too if you need anything. I don't talk about it much but knowing some people here has made a lot of difference over the years.

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I don't know what it's like to cut because I never found the courage to do so. But, I did use a rubber band to cause welts in my arms until my brother caught me harming myself and made me stop by constantly being around and never letting a single rubber band come near me.  But, it wasn't to silence words or mind blank that I hurt myself but rather to feel.  There is a void that feels nothing and doesn't care. And every once in awhile it also stops my body's natures response to breathe.  And I used the rubber bands to feel again. To feel something in the midst of nothing.

so I hope that this place will be the sanctuary that you can run too instead of to the feeling that cutting gives you.

hugs you gently and adds a nip for fun.

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You know I do love you guys so much! This is why I need this place, this sense of belonging in a world were most people are 'normal and you are the odd one out. 

Here I feel 'normal' here is safe and the people here are what make that. I am at the very heart of myself an introvert who would like nothing more than to write all day and (as weird as it sounds) practice magic at night. I've only recently learnt that I'm classed as a neutral witch, someone who will practice alone and who will be more at ease with nature than those that practise in a coven. 

So yeah, I've learnt a lot about myself this year and hopefully in the coming years I can build on that knowledge and then hopefully depression and anxiety will ease.

As for the cutting...well I have made a mess of my arm, again. My main concern now however is that every time I do it, it gets deeper and deeper (I haven't needed hospital treatment so it's not that bad). But the shallow cuts that used to heal in days have now turned into deep ones that are taking weeks to heal. I worry that one day when the need is so strong that I will so some serious damage. 

It is funny that when my head is clear I can see it for the damage it is and know that I should have been able to work through it but at the time it is the only thing keeping me safe. Sounds funny, that it keeps me safe, but it does. Knowing the blade is in a safe place yet reachable keeps me calm, knowing that I can use it keeps me clam, knowing It is simply in the same room as me keeps me breathing.

Yet when I do need it, when it slices through my skin it is better than the alternative because the alternative would be a knife at my wrist, a knife that will cut too deep and cause me to bleed out.

So I cut, to keep myself safe. It is such a weird thought process that I don't expect anyone to understand it. But it is how it is and if talking about it makes anyone uncomfortable then I am sorry but I am healing and to heal I need to talk :)

Edited by Aliea
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On 26/09/2017 at 12:30 PM, Aliea said:

One of the more serious sides of mental health that people avoid to talk about.

So, I self harm, At least once a week normally more so on a bad week. Small deep cuts that I let bleed.

It's hard for self harmers  to talk about it simply because of the stigma that people put on it. They think you are seeking attention and that you are stupid for doing it. They don't understand the release that comes from doing it, the quietness that descended, the wall that builds up blocking out all the hateful words running through your mind. The also don't get that it is a physical manifistation of the cuts and scars that are covering your broken mind.

So, I'm a self harmer, I am suicidal but I am still here and still fighting and that is all I can ask for right now.

Thank you for sharing this. I’ve never self harmed, and I loved that post because it helps me understand it (not because I’m happy you self harm, clearly). 

*hugs* we’re here.

 

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Count me in with the rest.  I don't understand it, but I care about you.  I'm worried for you, and I assume you know the risks so I won't spew them out at you. 

 

*hugs*

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oh i know the risks alright. But in the moment, you dont care and you just have to do it. It is like what @hirondellesaid, it is an addiction, it might not start of that way but that is what it can become.

Like i said, i have made a mess of my arm and today it is a reminder of my bad day and now i have to look after it, to help it heal and its sounds so odd but that helps. I finally have something to heal, something that shows the pain.

SELF HARMING IS WEIRD! and i am not trying to glam it up or tell people to do it, it is a personal thing and has nothing to do with anyone else. But i feel it needs to be talked about more, just like metal health.

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3 minutes ago, Aliea said:

oh i know the risks alright. But in the moment, you dont care and you just have to do it. It is like what @hirondellesaid, it is an addiction, it might not start of that way but that is what it can become.

Like i said, i have made a mess of my arm and today it is a reminder of my bad day and now i have to look after it, to help it heal and its sounds so odd but that helps. I finally have something to heal, something that shows the pain.

SELF HARMING IS WEIRD! and i am not trying to glam it up or tell people to do it, it is a personal thing and has nothing to do with anyone else. But i feel it needs to be talked about more, just like metal health.

Agreed. Mental health and associated facets are not talked about enough. Thank you for talking. 

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Talk away @Aliea the more we know about you and what self harming means in that moment or does to you outside of the dark days is another step that we can take closer to you.

Knowing the magic that you are aligned with helps as well. We'll know what to send you in vibes, energies, or anything else you may need sent to you and do so properly.

To you my dear I can say it with trust. 

"Take what you need, I give it willingly. To help, to heal, to be. By our Will it is done between us alone." 

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Thank you @Kethlia. I am new at the whole witch thing, I have known for a while I was one I just haven't been practicing, that is something I aim to change in the coming year. 2018 will be my year for sure!

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I'm sure this wasn't easy to share. I used to do it as well, so I understand the release you get from it. I did quit doing it, and haven't done it in 10+ years. Everyone has their vices. -hugs- You're brave for sharing this. Take care of yourself.

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16 hours ago, Aliea said:

 I can say it has been over 10yrs x c

You will, in your own time by your own choice. And I hope we'll be here at that time.

Edited by Kethlia
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~hugs~

I've never cut but I have self harmed, I gave myself scars on my arm this summer with my nails.  For me recently when emotional pain gets too much the physical pain has been the only way I could release anything.  It's hard to explain to other people but I understand to an extent what goes on inside.

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