I don't know if I can take anymore, working in the field I'm in while I'm at the lowest point emotionally I've been at in a long time if not ever. I'm 2 hours into an 8 hour shift and I just watched someone die. And it's not the first, or the last. I feel sometimes like I'm surrounded by death and sickness, maybe not feel like, I am surrounded by it.
Right now I really just want to go home, curl up in a ball and cry. I want someone to just hold me and tell me life is worth living. That we're not just all on a slow trip to wind up here... dumped off by your family to die alone surrounded by strangers. I have seen some families who are here for their loved ones but I've seen too many who are alone at the end, or holding a hand they don't know. And no matter how much I care or try to provide some measure of comfort I always feel bad and I know it's not the same.
I don't want to wind up like that. I don't want to wind up alone, I feel like I'm alone now, even with the kids I still wind up feeling so detached lately. So when I do let myself feel, or when it gets so much that I have no choice but to feel it's like drowning.
Edit - 6 hours and 8,000 steps later I'm home and I have absolutely nothing left. I don't have the emotional energy left to do more than tell my daughter I love her before I crawl into bed. My feet hurt, my back hurts, my heart hurts, I'm just so very very done with everything.