A Letter

Here’s just something I wrote one day on vacation, it had been a hard night (dreams), then awkwardness almost walking in on friend and her boy getting busy. Sooo…yeah.

To One Who Might Not Exist,

I sometimes feel that this is the only way to make myself heard, or understood. So I will try my best.

I dreamed of you the other day, and to me, you were perfect. I wasn’t smothered, but returning to your arms is the best way I experience peace. You demanded nothing from me, and it was as easy as breathing to give you everything. The safety I found in you was heart-wrenching. Upon waking, the hollowness without you was beyond language. Knowing how easy and painless it could be, to hand over my heart, stole the air from my lungs.

Whether this note is meant to lance the festering caused by a dream I can’t shake, or catharsis for things left unsaid and unacknowledged, I don’t yet know, so please bear with me. If you have the perception I think you do, you will already know this.

I have self-inflicted trust issues. I try to change so others don’t have to hear it, and deal with it, but change is a slow process and my self-flagellation has been going on for years. The whiplash of thoughts that remind, reinforce, and temper the molten pain of these insecurities is a constant plague, a record player with but one song. It is not easy to tryst the positive words that come from your lips, when the square pegs won’t go through the round holes in my wall. Why should I believe your words when self-conditioning demands otherwise? To this, I urge you: please don’t give up. If I ask you “why” for the 5 millionth time, have the patience to answer this, and the 10 million times after. I don’t fish for compliments, and I’m very poor at accepting any with grace, so please know the asking is in earnest.

I am lost in a sea of midnight, so is it truly a surprise that i find your love brilliant, beautiful, a thing of wonder?

Take me past, present, future as I am. Don’t wish for my thighs to be thinner, or my stomach flatter. Take me as I am, love what you see, what you feel, what you get. A suggestion to change is reconfirmation that I am not enough as I am. I have to be enough now, as is, or I am nothing.

To earn your love I will try to be what you want. I can’t do this without trying to be other than what I am. So please, give your love freely, so I have no need to be anyone other than myself. The deceit involved in trying to prove myself worthy of notice tears me apart, and things will end before they begin.

Hold my hand. I know they are gross, cold and clammy, or just plain sweaty, but it makes the gesture that much more dear to me.

We will have our differences, and chances are we like different things. Just hear me. Be the one who, no matter how quiet the joke, how soft the wit, you would still hear and share the moment. When I cannot express the fear, worry, love or joy, you will hear what isn’t said and validate my being.

Love me and know

that I can do no other,

than love you too.