Niagara Vacation

Well, I’ve been meaning to write this blog forever…..and I don’t feel like finishing my homework tonight, so….=P

About a year ago I took a vacation to a new location for me.  I traveled over the northern border into Niagara, Ontario Canada…..ok, it was barely Canada, but it still was.  All the research I’ve done on the falls said that the Canadian falls were the most beautiful.  I can now confirm that the travel sites are correct.  The Canadian falls are spectacular.  The only part of the trip that wasn’t was the border crossing.  I got grilled for a good 2-3 minutes about gun ownership.  They agent must have asked me 5 times if I owned a gun, and if I was bringing one over with me.  I guess I must have looked like a guy that would own a gun =P.

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A Letter

Here’s just something I wrote one day on vacation, it had been a hard night (dreams), then awkwardness almost walking in on friend and her boy getting busy. Sooo…yeah.

To One Who Might Not Exist,

I sometimes feel that this is the only way to make myself heard, or understood. So I will try my best.

I dreamed of you the other day, and to me, you were perfect. I wasn’t smothered, but returning to your arms is the best way I experience peace. You demanded nothing from me, and it was as easy as breathing to give you everything. The safety I found in you was heart-wrenching. Upon waking, the hollowness without you was beyond language. Knowing how easy and painless it could be, to hand over my heart, stole the air from my lungs.

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I am me, and you are you

Wolf says I should write, so okay.

I cannot be other than what I am.

I cannot pretend to be the cute, fluffy, pink sugary sweetness of other delicate, feminine girls.

I cannot pretend to be the tough-as-nails, black leather and mud type hard-ass girls, who nonetheless ooze sex appeal and hang with the boys.

I cannot be the furry, adorable, mouse-type, squirreled away in a corner, that people just want to scoop up and cuddle.

I cannot hope to be the punk-rock, obscure references, facial piercings, with the artists deep, sensitive nature.

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A Con Virgin No More

On Friday 29 May, 2015, I lost my comic convention virginity. I went to my first Con. DC has started holding a convention called “Awesome Con”. I think this was the third or fourth year its been held. I decided to start with this one, as its more of a mixed con than many. This one isn’t dedicated to just comics, or anime, or tv, its got everything. The thing that really convinced me to give it a shot was the appearance by two of the Comic Book Men (Bryan Johnson and Ming Chen). I purchased a one-day only ticket, and bout a photo of ticket for Bryan Johnson. I wanted to get the photo with Ming as well, but wasn’t sure the timing would work out. As it happened, it would have, but, that’s skipping ahead a few hours =P. Shortly after I bought my admission ticket, it was announced that William Shatner (who was scheduled for Sunday only) would be unable to attend on Sunday, so rescheduled for Friday and Saturday. BONUS! I immediately shelled out the $70 for a photo op with him. I thought about buying the VIP pass for him, but it was something like $375. I love Capt. Kirk, but not enough to shell out a few hundred =P. Heck, it hurt to shell out the $70 for a 5 second chance to meet him, but I did it. Finally, looking through the list of celebrities offering photo ops, I found another really cool one that I was willing to shell out $30 for. John Rhys-Davies. I’ve loved the man since I saw him in Shogun as a child. I couldn’t pass up the chance to meet him in person, and I’m glad I didn’t. He ended up being one of the high points of the day.

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What’s Our Purpose?

So my first entry was a little personal and maybe a tad bit narcist, I have been pondering deleting but I won’t.

So i decided to post something that is constantly on my mind. What is our purpose on this planet?

Now a quick background is in order. I am far from religious, I have gone through different versions of Christianity, and some pagan practices(Wicca and Witchcraft) as well as atheism(thought this one makes the least sense to me). I have experienced many different things that I can’t describe any other way than supernatural and/or spiritual. So my belief structure or world view is at best weird. So to put it simply I do believe in a “higher power”. No nothing like a big bearded man in the sky that watches over us like you would an ant farm. More like an energy or entity which has a positive “good” side and negative “bad” side. No not the force lol. I have experienced both sides and have felt and seen things that I just can’t describe. Like I said my views are weird.

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Why Not?

So I am making my first ever blog. It’s one of those things that I always wanted to make but never did. This medium of the message board helps me accomplish this by making it easy to do.

I have always wanted to create a blog so I could express my thoughts and rants that are in my mind that I can’t or won’t share with others. Yes I am the master of run on sentences and my grammar isn’t the best.

Anywho and anyways, here goes nothing.

For the past almost two years now I have been unemployed. I lost my job/career with a mayor retailer that I had invested 7 years of my life to. All because I made a stupid mistake and they let me go. The mistake was my fault and I thought I wasn’t doing anything wrong but here we are. I have suffered from anxiety and severe IBS for the past 5 years and getting fired made it even worse. I couldn’t step out of my house with out having a panic/anxiety attack. I got some Xanax prescribed but I hate taking pills so I tried my hardest to stay off of them. So I stayed home, my kids suffered the most out of this because I would have anger issues(no I did not abuse my children I would never touch a hair on their heads) but I would definitely scream at them and get angry for the tiniest things. I look back at those first few months after getting fired and I cringe. I still cry over it when I have time for myself( being a stay at home dad or mom doesn’t leave you with a lot of time for yourself). I love my kids more than anything in this world and I wish there was a way for me to take all those months back. We had a bunch of great times as well like doing puzzles, playing games, etc but it was still tough.

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Appearance

Yes, this will be rambling. No, it might not make any sense to those of you who live outside my brain. Is this a good indication of my state of mind? Very probably.

Everything flows into, and out of everything, so this might be just opening the floodgates, but this is 1/2 rant, 1/2 explanation, 1/2 search for validation, 1/2 making up excuses to conceal that maybe I am just that lazy. Which is to say, this is likely 200% boring, but a way to put thoughts down.

No matter what you, or anyone else says, we all care about our appearance. We care whether we look good, if we look bad, what message we are sending by how we look. Even the most dreadlocked, hairy, dirt smeared hippy cares that how he looks demonstrates how little he cares. It’s the same catch-22 that exists in asking whether there is truly such a thing as a selfless act.

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Meditation Example

photo

Ok, Right now I’m sitting at Burger King doing homework. One way I meditate is to stare at an abstract object like the neon light. In fact, I have been staring at it for fifteen minutes. Now yes, I’m not doing my homework, but when I return to it, I can zone in on it just like I zoned in on the light.

The key to this method is to notice details. If you look at it closely, you can see the reflection in the window. (the image doesn’t show it) But the point is to notice every detail so the object looks much different than when you originally glanced at it.

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Databases

database

I have been going on message boards for years. I have even been an administrator on a few. This semester has definitely been a rough one. I was nearing the end of my general education route and I had come to realize I am very close to getting my associate’s degree.

So I took full advantage of financial aid. For the first time they awarded me the best package meaning all my books and classes would be paid but I would be enrolled full time. (The more credits I take the more they pay). So iIdecided on html5, programming logic and database logic. I was fresh off an access course and knew I only needed one science class to graduate.

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I am a reformed white knight

white knight (n.): A person (usually a male) who sees the typical maiden in distress, and believes that he can help her. A male version of the “mother figure” that some girls become.

Recently, there have been revelations and rumblings within gaming journalism, which the community has collectively termed “GamerGate.” I won’t go into its background as it is really just glorified gossip and it is ultimately irrelevant, but what is important is that it has stirred up discussion of gender issues found among gaming communities, the media that cover gaming, and the games themselves. This is a good thing, but I think what is even more important is that it presents an opportunity for us all–but especially men–to do some self-reflection.

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