Tika

I forgot until I got here how much I miss this place when I don't come around. We're doing ok here, I'm on the opposite end of the work from home scale. We haven't had any cases in the town I live in yet but it's coming and probably soon and the small hospital I work at could easily get overwhelmed. My town is mostly shut down, no schools, no restaurants or bars open, most businesses closed, limited hours at grocery stores etc. I'm isolating as much as I can but the odds of me getting exposed at work are pretty high no matter how careful I am.

A very pleasant wake up And it's finally feeling like spring! I can open my damn windows for the first time 6 months lol

I don't know if I can take anymore, working in the field I'm in while I'm at the lowest point emotionally I've been at in a long time if not ever. I'm 2 hours into an 8 hour shift and I just watched someone die. And it's not the first, or the last. I feel sometimes like I'm surrounded by death and sickness, maybe not feel like, I am surrounded by it. Right now I really just want to go home, curl up in a ball and cry. I want someone to just hold me and tell me life is worth living. That we're not just all on a slow trip to wind up here... dumped off by your family to die alone surrounded by strangers. I have seen some families who are here for their loved ones but I've seen too many who are alone at the end, or holding a hand they don't know. And no matter how much I care or try to provide some measure of comfort I always feel bad and I know it's not the same. I don't want to wind up like that. I don't want to wind up alone, I feel like I'm alone now, even with the kids I still wind up feeling so detached lately. So when I do let myself feel, or when it gets so much that I have no choice but to feel it's like drowning. Edit - 6 hours and 8,000 steps later I'm home and I have absolutely nothing left. I don't have the emotional energy left to do more than tell my daughter I love her before I crawl into bed. My feet hurt, my back hurts, my heart hurts, I'm just so very very done with everything.

Having to shovel 8 inches of snow in fucking April, for the second time in a week. I need to run away to somewhere tropical.

Wtf spring...

So I retract some of my earlier thoughts that a lot of the kindness isn't genuine. We had a snowstorm here the other day and my daughter put my car in the ditch. Nothing serious just a little ditch, no one was hurt and no damage, she just couldn't get out due to the snow. And in the 15 minutes or so it took me and my son to get over there with his truck to pull her out she had at least 5 people stop to see if she needed help. So there are a lot of genuinely kind people here I'm just really cynical and bitter lately.

Got new glasses and redid my hair again, I feel slightly less meh about my appearances sometimes lol

Oh look an entire bottle of wine fits in here... lol

I figured out why I couldn't find it at first, I'm not losing my mind it's the sign out issue so it only appears when it says I'm signed in... lol

Because I'm tired of having the same nightmare over and over Because I'm never important enough Because the good never lasts

Thank you that means a lot

It makes me happy I only have to work 4 more hours and then I'm off for 2 days, the full moon craziness is already starting, I've got one resident singing at the top of her lungs (had to bring her roommate out by me so she could sleep) and I just found another one in the bed he had just made himself on the floor (cause it's cooler down there)

I can't really isolate myself, kids, work, life won't really allow it. It probably doesn't help much that it's winter (otherwise known as hibernation season) here still. I think my job and my hours isolate me in a way too, working nights I can't sleep on nights I'm off and I spend a lot of time alone at work with nothing but my own toxic thoughts. I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it's there but damn it's dark here in the middle. And nursing is a rough field for depression, too many final moments this winter.

So I've been missing in action for a while. I've really been struggling with depression and not wanting to interact with anyone including my own family. Most days I have to fight off the urge to just hide in my room because I know I can't do that to my kids. I grew up with a parent who would get depressed and go to bed for weeks and I refuse to let myself become that. But it's gotten really hard. It just feels like the darkness I've been circling has swallowed me whole and I'm drowning. I know I have people who care, I know I could reach out but I don't want to... it's gotten bad enough that there have been nights I've just laid in bed crying and wishing life just came with an off switch. So I'm trying to force myself to try, to remember that this isn't me... at least I hope this isn't me...

Is the reason we have this place to come home to