Aliea

Fantasy pic

(( @Lightningfall @hirondelle @Reddragon and anyone else I've not tagged want to play???))

((awsome @Moonhawk! Did you want to pick up where we left off or start over?))

God I've changed since 2017....

((Is anyone about who wishes to play? Quarantine is boring and need some creative input!))

Safe to say its been a very long time since Iast self harmed, I have no scars... Well no healing ones, got plenty of healed ones. But anyways, been in isolation for the last week and I've been pushed to a point were I left my job and all these are stress points, yet nothing, not a damn thing and I am so happy!!!!!!

Damn that last post was so insignificant and it paved a way for so much more and much worse. I now have so pretty hefty scars or at least they are to me. Anyways, I stopped again, yay, started a whole new thing with butterflies and such (if u follow me in Instagram you will have seen ) it helps a lot. But then two days ago I scratched myself...doesn't sound like much right? Well I think most scratches fade after a few hours, these took two days to fade. I have never done that before, it hurt more funnily enough, stung through put the day and it was a lot more noticeable than a simple cut. The trigger behind it was complicated. A rush of emotion, hate, guilt, self doubt, anger, confusion basically all the negatives over something that was not my doing but was made out to be. "I am not responsible for other ppls reactions." This is something I struggle with, something I find hard to believe. But I know it's true and I try hard to build on it and remember it as much as possible when I feel like I have cause others to act the way they do. Well I'm rambling but yeah. Back to day one, well now on day three of being free, let's see how long this one lasts.

Recently on Twitter someone wrote about the storm before the calm. No I haven't gotten that the wrong way round. I know most people know it the other way around, however for me and maybe fire a lot of other selfharmers it makes a lot of sense. The storm that rages with in me before I reach that moment is a powerful one. It is a mix of depression with a huge amount of anxiety, the kind of anxiety that makes your tummy tie in knots, that causing your chest to feel like it is crushing the air out of you, that makes your limbs feel like jelly but also like they could be pulled from you at any moment. It is the type of anxiety that makes your skin crawl, that causing your heart to beat hard and faster and yet it feels like it stops all at the same time. Basically think about the most chotic storm you can think of and put that inside you, all that energy all the destructiveness just building up and up with you until you can not take it anymore! This is me right now, at the very moment of me writing this. This is my life, the storm that rages until I can not take it anymore and then that blade, oh that beautiful sharp shiny blade has found it's way into my hand and then into my skin and finally it tracks a line down my arm, the shine followed by red, red so bright and beautiful that I have to do it again and again and again until finally the red runs free and the storm had eased. It is bliss, it is a smile on my lips, it is calm and my god it feels so good for it to be over, for the ranging to ease and in that moment I am free. There is a catch however. That storm that has turned into a tiny rain cloud is still there and that cloud can grow on e again as every negative thought passes through my mind, and pretty soon it is ranging once again and the cycle repeats itself over and over again. And behind this Storm, sits my demon, a smile on its face as it watches it rage and then laughs as the red rivers flow as the storm eases.

So this happened by total accident! It was ment to be blond!

I read nothing but fanfics, I also write a hell of a lot. I'm into Sherlock fics as well as SG1 and also Dr Who. My account on faniction.net is mostly Dr Who fics I have written and my AO3 account is all Sherlock, think I have over 30 fics written, some still WIP's (works in progress) but most are finished. Feel free to have a look, there is a link on my Twitter page @aliealouise

*pulls the goddess in with her and snuggles.* I'm better today @hirondelle thanks tho

*crawls into her pod, pulls covers and cushions on top her and just cries till she sleeps.*

I broke my stride. 24 hours cut free.

Days are funny things. They change constantly, no two are the same and even if you try to replicate a day it always ends up being just a cheap knockoff! Today is a day of darkness and badness, today will tick through the hours, the sun will rise and fall and it will eventually come to an end. Bit for me, today is a battle feild, today I fight a battle in a war that I fight every day, it is just that this battle is a big one, this one is goinf to leave scars if I am not careful, today blood could be drawn and I really don't want that. I'm tired, I'm exhausted and god it will be so good to give in, to stop the storm, the battle raging on, to just let the blade hit and end it, not forever but at least for now. But instead I'm fighting, my own sword drawn, fighting against the demons with their razor sharp claws. Let's just hope I last till sleep comes and the day ends. After all tomorrow is another day.

(Random thoughts, no consistency, hope it makes some sort of sense) I am tired, i am stressed and being pushed to my limit. I have to hold together a family where I am the only none autistic member and it is becoming a huge struggle. I love my family, my wife, my son even the pets that just simply drive me nuts! But I am losing me, losing the me that can be fun that can be patiant that can enjoy her family. That is why I have this place I guess, the place I can be comfortable the place I can be me and have no worries. Here I can be the fun mischievous, here I can play a role, become a goddess. And now because of the 18+ area I can explore my sexul side, a side that gets very much hidden away. Being a mother is hard, it feels unrewarding at time and it is a job you can not walk away from because no matter the stress and strain god do I love it. Yes being a mother is hard.

Oh okay will try that hehe x

This was hot...very hot!

Okay no worries, at least it is just not me

Yep

Not sure where to put this. But i keep getting kicked off the site not sure what is going on x

No, it' through the NHS. I have my last session on Sat unless my therapist states otherwise. It has been really good and would recommend it if asked.

Well hello there ppl! So I have been rather absent in my posting. I lurk when I can but it has just been way to hard to write pretty much anything! That being said I am Well, I have been attending online therapy which has been amazing in that it has helped me face a lot head on rather hiding it all and letting things fester. I have been a more forward person in that I won' keep quiet any more, I will say if anything that has been said to me is upsetting or if made to feel like I mean nothing. Basically I'm not taking shot from anyone, including myself. I am roughly 4 months self harm free, with only one relapse (I don't even rememb what is was about.) So scars have healed and though I still have the urge and want to cut I don't. My mental health has now gotten to the point were I can manage it, he'l I even act more like a normal human, but that is not to say that I don't have a relapse every now and then. I am I'll, I thinllk I shall always suffer with this demon but I shall not let it win, no matter how much it tries to take over everything. So yeah, hi, I'm brckish, I am Well and I have missed my family x x