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Found 5 results

  1. Aliea

    Ranging storm

    Recently on Twitter someone wrote about the storm before the calm. No I haven't gotten that the wrong way round. I know most people know it the other way around, however for me and maybe fire a lot of other selfharmers it makes a lot of sense. The storm that rages with in me before I reach that moment is a powerful one. It is a mix of depression with a huge amount of anxiety, the kind of anxiety that makes your tummy tie in knots, that causing your chest to feel like it is crushing the air out of you, that makes your limbs feel like jelly but also like they could be pulled from you at any moment. It is the type of anxiety that makes your skin crawl, that causing your heart to beat hard and faster and yet it feels like it stops all at the same time. Basically think about the most chotic storm you can think of and put that inside you, all that energy all the destructiveness just building up and up with you until you can not take it anymore! This is me right now, at the very moment of me writing this. This is my life, the storm that rages until I can not take it anymore and then that blade, oh that beautiful sharp shiny blade has found it's way into my hand and then into my skin and finally it tracks a line down my arm, the shine followed by red, red so bright and beautiful that I have to do it again and again and again until finally the red runs free and the storm had eased. It is bliss, it is a smile on my lips, it is calm and my god it feels so good for it to be over, for the ranging to ease and in that moment I am free. There is a catch however. That storm that has turned into a tiny rain cloud is still there and that cloud can grow on e again as every negative thought passes through my mind, and pretty soon it is ranging once again and the cycle repeats itself over and over again. And behind this Storm, sits my demon, a smile on its face as it watches it rage and then laughs as the red rivers flow as the storm eases.
  2. Phoenix


    It's amazing how frustrated I get and how much I shut down when I fail. I had a project I had been thinking about for a while, which involved flipping my living space, essentially. Move my computer to the other side of the room, and move a "portable" air conditioner with it. Flip an ancient, large dresser to the other side. It's an asymmetric space, and the whole point was to get the air conditioner to the other side of the room, much closer to the bed. I investigated the space and it had seemed fine--there's a concrete pillar in the way, but measuring everything out, I knew it'd be fine. So I moved everything around. As you might imagine, something that takes up a ton of physical reserve for me, but not something I can't handle--everything heavy is on wheels. As it turns out, it was indeed spacious enough, but somehow I completely missed a slope in the floor. It's sloping back and to the right, at enough of an angle that even stuffing something under my chair isn't enough. I feel like I'm going to lean out the window. I'm so angry. I've already cleared stuff out to move everything back, but it's been such a waste of time. I don't know how long it's going to be before I'm willing to risk my time and my body to do something like this again, and I hate that. HATE IT. I pass on so much because of past failure, and I'm not growing from that.
  3. I am brutally bad at positive habit forming. I've been trying for years to get into regular meditation, but I never do string sessions together. I've been advised that difficulty forming good habits or maintaining them is common for depressives, and I've been given some tips, such as tying the sessions to an existing habit or starting slow, like twice a week, and ramping up. There's a couple of new-ish habits I've been able to maintain lately, such as my Japanese study and beard care, but not my meditation and, to a lesser extent, regular exercise. I have to figure out how to get this nailed down.
  4. Phoenix

    Difficulty enjoying things

    Difficulty enjoying new things or things once liked is a classic symptom of major depressive disorder, and I get it bad. It's popped up again today--I tried no fewer than three video games, a book, and sports, and couldn't get into ANY of it. I feel like I'm halfway lying when I participate in the "what are you reading/watching" threads because someone could ask me about it a month later and I'll be like "oh that? I read like a chapter." So yeah, if I do that, this is why, heh.
  5. Phoenix

    My health journey

    So, ever since I was 18, I've had back problems. It first started at work the morning after a pickup basketball game--I leaned over to pick up a product for a customer and something went *ping* in my back. I had a flood of pain and couldn't get up for a few minutes. Somehow I managed to walk out, drive myself home, and end up laid up on the couch for a week. In the years after, I'd have lingering back pain that came and went. Sometimes it'd be gone for months at a time. I also started putting on weight at 14, and that's been up and down ever since (currently still quite up). I drastically reduced my physical activity after that injury, which I'm sure did not help with that. I also had a slip and fall at a different job in late 2009. Again, lots of pain for a while, but it cleared up. Never thought much of either at the time. In 2011, I drove back out to Oregon to give grad school another shot. Just me driving, it was a three-day trek out there. I started developing back pain about a day into the drive, but nothing for it--had to keep pressing on. By the time I got there, I had to very slowly move my stuff into the place I was renting. This back pain became nearly chronic, and has been, for the most part, over the past six years. I kind of dealt with it then because I didn't have health coverage, but when the country's health coverage changed in 2014, I was finally able to see doctors and fully diagnose the problem. As it turns out, I had spinal disease in both the upper and lower spine, with two deformed vertebral discs. To this day, we can't determine when it started, whether it's genetic and just developed over time (my father had a cervical disc removed), or whether a specific incident like the ones I mentioned were the cause. I had surgery to remove the upper disc late last year, but it turned to be mostly asymptomatic--there was no change in my condition. The surgeon was insistent that it be removed because the manner in which it was pressing the spinal cord was precarious--a single mild car accident, for example, could have caused me to become quadriplegic. I suppose it's good that I don't have to worry about that, but it's little comfort when I still have lingering symptoms from it. I saw a neurologist recently who told me that the problems I have with my hands will likely be permanent. It could be worse, as I can still use a computer, drive a car, and so forth (at least most of the time), but when it gets bad, I drop things and have poor use of my hands, especially the right one. Right now surgery isn't suggested for my lower back, even though it's causing all of the nerve pain I'm having today. It's not threatening loss of function of my legs (at least not yet), and the weird position of the disc in my lower spine is not exactly consistent with what the surgeons expect to be causing problems, so they don't want to touch it. I'm trying physical therapy again, and I write this having come back from a session, hopeful that maybe, just maybe, this time around, the sessions will push back the pain a bit. It's the pain that's keeping me from normal life--I can't work because the episodes make me unreliable, much less physically able to commute. Thankfully, my family has been able to support me, or I don't know where I'd be right now. I've also been seeing a behavioral therapist for a year. I've long talked about depression as that's been a longer battle that I was able to address sooner; I may have even talked about it here at NL. One of the areas in which we've made real progress is my coping skills, especially with regards to my relationship with food. I have a binge eating disorder that has greatly been mitigated by the sessions, and, as you can imagine, is largely responsible for my weight gain. Between working with my therapist and being told I wouldn't be having surgery on the lower disc, I've somehow managed to finally get on a successful diet. I've lost 30 pounds over the past few months. Given what little I can do for my pain, inching myself closer to a healthy weight is one thing that I can control, and while I have no promises that losing weight will improve the disease symptoms, it could help. Perhaps I'll update here as my journey moves along, but it's been a slow one. We will see where it leads, but I suppose I'm optimistic.