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About this blog

I am beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws.  Altogether I am a beautiful disaster.

Entries in this blog

Sometimes it's too much

I don't know if I can take anymore, working in the field I'm in while I'm at the lowest point emotionally I've been at in a long time if not ever.  I'm 2 hours into an 8 hour shift and I just watched someone die.  And it's not the first, or the last.  I feel sometimes like I'm surrounded by death and sickness, maybe not feel like, I am surrounded by it. Right now I really just want to go home, curl up in a ball and cry.  I want someone to just hold me and tell me life is worth living.  That
Tika

Tika

1

Missing

So I've been missing in action for a while.  I've really been struggling with depression and not wanting to interact with anyone including my own family.  Most days I have to fight off the urge to just hide in my room because I know I can't do that to my kids.  I grew up with a parent who would get depressed and go to bed for weeks and I refuse to let myself become that.  But it's gotten really hard. It just feels like the darkness I've been circling has swallowed me whole and I'm drowning.
Tika

Tika

4

Darkness

Sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the dark.  Like inside of me is this huge black void and I'm just wandering around it, fumbling in the dark.  Sometimes I lose my footing and I feel the edge crumbling beneath me.  I can feel the emptiness there, almost a physical presence breathing down my neck.  There's things in the dark, demons circling, waiting for me to trip, their anger seeps into me, changing me. I'm afraid of who I'm becoming here.  I'm losing bits of myself, I feel them slipping a
Tika

Tika

2

My Fairy Tale pt. 2

So I guess maybe it's time to add some more to the fairy tale.  It gets a bit less action packed as time goes on. So our "princess" had reached adulthood now.  Escaping the frozen lakes of Michigan for the slightly less frozen hills of Wisconsin.  It was now 1994 and a couple of months after she got back to Wisconsin she got her diploma in the mail.  That summer she decided to go to stay with her grandparents in a more touristy part of the state over by the lake.   It was there she met
Tika

Tika

1

Not For the Easily Offended

If swearing bothers you please... read no further cause it's about to get vulgar in here...     Fuck this fucking night and everything fucking associated with it.  Friday's are bullshit.  Every Friday this month I'm the only goddamn night shift cna scheduled.  Now thankfully people have been coming in early or staying late but most of the time that leaves just me for at least a couple of hours. Tonight from 2 am to 4 am there was one cna (me) and one nurse, who isn't even one
Tika

Tika

3

My Fairy Tale

So my story is much more like the Grimm tales, dark and full of monsters with some moments of clawing your way into the light.  But if you want that light you have to earn it... So...  once upon a time there was a girl.  Curly haired and innocent and sweet, not a perfect angel and never would be but certainly less weathered then the current version. As she grew she went through the things most kids do, skinned knees and imaginary friends.  Some good friends but she was by nature a shy
Tika

Tika

3

3 am ramblings

How do you know when you spend too much time online?  When you have dreams about people you only know online...  I just had a dream that I met @hirondelle because somehow we were in the same town and we ran into eachother and were like omg!!!  And then we hung out and took selfies and laughed and had a wonderful time and@Timberwolfwas jealous cause he wasn't there.  And it was so happy and then I woke up and was sad cause it was only a dream and I couldn't go back to it.  And then I realised it
Tika

Tika

6

Work

Ok I need to rant...  Work was insane tonight.  I walked almost 10,000 steps in 8 hours, I changed or toileted or helped in some way probably 50 people multiple times each.  We are so short staffed right now it's awful...  we have 66 residents currently and tonight it was just me, 1 nurse and 1 other cna who doesn't normally work nights so I just had her answer call lights while I did everything else. What really pisses me off is management makes like 40$ an hour and does basically nothing
Tika

Tika

2

Wrong time

Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time.  I felt kind of pretty when I got ready for work today so I took a selfie.  Then when I looked at it I cringed  (as I usually do).  So I made it black and white and then I felt like I looked kind of pretty again.   So I look ok in black and white, or in bad lightning.  My body was made for another time too, for a time when women were softer, rounder.  Maybe it's my German heritage but I was built to be a bar maid in lederhosen.  Cleavage for d
Tika

Tika

3

So tired

I'm so tired today.  I don't know it it's because I've only had 2 days off of work in the past 11 days (and they weren't in a row) or if it's stress or everything else going on in my life but I just can't function today.  I didn't clean the house today, I didn't cook, I didn't really do much of anything.  And I have to work tonight and tomorrow night.  I just asked for and got a change in my schedule though so now I work 9 days every 2 weeks instead of 10 and I have 2 days in a row off once a we
Tika

Tika

5

I'm a fool

So I'm a mood music person, probably the reason I have "when words fail, music speaks" tattooed on my chest.  And a couple of songs are speaking to me tonight. Jamie O'Neal - There is no Arizona Sugarland - Stay  
Tika

Tika

0

A bit of me

This was hard... lol   I've obviously never done this before so be patient with me while I attempt to figure it out.  Technology hard...  Cave painting easier...  Sorry about the music in the background, like I said I'll maybe get better at this lol.  
Tika

Tika

4

Introduction

So I've never been great at keeping up with a blog but I notice lately I keep rambling in random places so I'm going to try to contain it to one spot so I'm not subjecting everyone to it all the time. I thought about doing an audio one but since I'm currently sitting at the nurses station at work between rounds and call lights now isn't the best time.  But maybe tomorrow when I have the night off (yay!) Anyhow...  for now I think I'll just leave it extra short and sweet and I'll add mo
Tika

Tika

2

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