This is the one place I can express myself freely without prying eyes or loaded questions. 

1st cause for agoraphobia/iba/panic attack to happen 

got into a screaming fight with one of my partners and he made sure to beat the shit out of my mind that day due to insecurities on his part and made me feel really small. This triggered an panic attack and anxiety made it back into my life hardcore. So hard that I went on a Xanax bend, so bad I had to quit taking it and like the animal I am after talking to my therapist and her telling me to stop taking it so often. I quit it cold turkey. Huge Nono when it comes to anxiety medicine(as most mental health medicines). This made it all the worse. I made peace with him and even though I did anxiety was still looming and it would hit me often. Like if I had lost the mental war against it. I have personified it as the scariest thing that is always looming above me, hunting me, getting ready to destroy me again.

So I am back to therapy weekly but no meds.

Situation 2

Last week on Monday my wife took the kids to their new pediatrician and I was at work(I have been able to drive to work even through anxiety and all) My wife called me and said it was an emergency. My daughter told the doctor that she tried to commit suicide by taking pills in December. She was also cutting herself under her arms on her rib cage, under her bra where we can’t see. So in Florida they have this wonderful law called baker act. My wife had to take her to a mental hospital or we would be arrested. When I tell you that I have been in a living nightmare for the last 2 weeks doesn’t describe it good enough. I rushed to the doctors office and picked up my son drove him with my wife in her car. We had a short conversation with her to explain to her what was coming next and what to expect and that we love her I hugged her and my wife took her. My agoraphobia/ depression/ panic attacks were uncontrollable it I put on a brave face so my son wouldn’t be able to see me like this. I haven’t been able to leave my couch most days the crying the panic the everything has not stopped. 
 

we had to go to the hospital a few times and I couldn’t make myself go. My wife the saint she is went every time. They finally released her Friday and still I couldn’t leave the house. She told me that I have to go that I am stronger than this, this broke me, literally felt my mind crack. I cried like an child who’s afraid of the monster in the closet or something. She went without me but took my mother in law with her.

She came home and I feel better but not best. I have been able to go to the office but been going to grocery store around the corner and a few places. However I get episodes of straight crying, panic sometimes, anxiety, etc. I still haven’t been able to go back to the office.

when I am more cleared headed I will type more. I just had to let some of it out.

reasons from the conversations I read on her phone and the psychiatrist 
 

the pills 

broke up with her girlfriend(this girlfriend has been her best friend since 1st grade) she left her for one of their mutual male friends

the cutting

gender disphoria

she identifies as a boy that is girly or a boy that wants to be a girl which makes no fucking sense to me but I accept her/he for what she is. She wants to be called he and change her name to Lee. 
 

anyways will post more later