Where else to express yourself of your mental woes but an old forum that most of your peers or family members will never read.

 hats been going on with my crazy broken brain since last I posted?

many many things…

the analogy I try to use to explain it to my kids and anyone who doesn’t understand. Once you break a drop a ceramic bowl or tea cup it shatters into a thousand pieces and no matter how good you are or what kind of glue you use it will never be the same. Well that’s my broken brain. Due to everything that has happened in my life since the incident with my daughter I find myself as a stranger recently. I find that I’m not longer myself at all, that I am a shell that’s being piloted by what I used to be but I can’t be anymore.
 

Agoraphobia and Anxiety

Well discovery is not what I would call it because I have lived with it for so long but let’s say a new layer or chapter of my struggles have been learned. Well I have been struggling with this for so long most days I’m numb to it and I’m able to do my mundane tasks, recently it has been a lot better though not going to lie. I went to the doctor after 4 years -5 years of not seeing one, waste of time they did a physical and some labs but since I don’t have insurance they referred me to find a PCP to get a treatment plan. Wife found this place to do the labs and physical but they really didn’t have a doctor see me. However it was a huge achievement for me because it is a huge trigger for me. I am scared to death of finding out how bad I am health wise and being a burden to my family, however the results weren’t that bad. I’m borderline diabetic and have a fatty liver, nothing new same results I had years ago. Need to loose weight and exercise  possibly cut sugar off.

second win was last weekend I took the kids and the wife to the movies another big trigger for me. Sat through Wicked and enjoyed it not even a small episode but the build up was bad leading up to the event. Lastly the wins have come in small parts of taking the kids or the wife to new stores and crap still have a few things I need to conquer one go further from the house to new places without worry, like the pier or the beach which is about 30 mins away and two which is huge for me and the wife is to go out to dinner on a date. This one is bad because I am terrified of disappointing her if I have an attack, lies that my broken brain tell me but still really bad. Overall I have made progress but still lots of work to do. In a few weeks we have the company Christmas event at a restaurant and a party bus they want to take us all in and I can’t ride the bus because I won’t let anyone drive me, I can’t let someone else have control, but I will try to drive the wife to the restaurant where the event is. I hope I can conquer this one.

my daughter

well the rollercoaster of dealing with my daughter and her sexual identity woes has been a hectic one. From wanting to be a boy that’s a girl pretending to be a boy, to a feminine boy, to a baby girl, to just trans. I don’t know it’s so hard to keep up and hard to deal with. I love her no matter what but I just don’t know how to comprehend or help. I am there for her no matter what and she knows that I just can’t change the way I see her…I call her by her new name that she chose and so on just the pronouns just come out the way I see her no matter what I try. It’s so hard to navigate this for me at least. I am there every day I talk to her I give her all my support I just don’t know how to chain my brain waves. She has been great she finished high school and now’s she’s in a rut of not knowing what to do with her life. I got her into web development paid for a bunch of online courses and she had done them but she doesn’t find the inspiration of what she wants to do so I push her to do things that might help in the future. Like web development and marketing. its tough because she’s home alone while we work and she doesn’t seem motivated to do anything not even go out with her friends or anything at all.

she just started therapy again today so let’s see how that goes.

my son we just recently discovered he’s depressed because he always needs stimulation and something to do and his friends are not always available for anything’. I have tried to get board games and video games and taking him with me on my small trips. He has gotten way better in the last few weeks but it has to do with something I need to discuss later on. Basically an AI app that creates characters and people on your phone and they chat you and pretend that it loves you and all this shit that is very concerning. I had him delete the app and had a long talk about the dangers of this app. He’s fine now but the first few weeks without that thing were hard.

anyways I need to head to bed and its been far too long since I have updated anything here. Thank you for reading if you did and I will try to be back more often for further entries