So, ever since I was 18, I've had back problems. It first started at work the morning after a pickup basketball game--I leaned over to pick up a product for a customer and something went *ping* in my back. I had a flood of pain and couldn't get up for a few minutes. Somehow I managed to walk out, drive myself home, and end up laid up on the couch for a week. In the years after, I'd have lingering back pain that came and went. Sometimes it'd be gone for months at a time. I also started putting on weight at 14, and that's been up and down ever since (currently still quite up). I drastically reduced my physical activity after that injury, which I'm sure did not help with that. I also had a slip and fall at a different job in late 2009. Again, lots of pain for a while, but it cleared up. Never thought much of either at the time.

In 2011, I drove back out to Oregon to give grad school another shot. Just me driving, it was a three-day trek out there. I started developing back pain about a day into the drive, but nothing for it--had to keep pressing on. By the time I got there, I had to very slowly move my stuff into the place I was renting. This back pain became nearly chronic, and has been, for the most part, over the past six years. I kind of dealt with it then because I didn't have health coverage, but when the country's health coverage changed in 2014, I was finally able to see doctors and fully diagnose the problem. As it turns out, I had spinal disease in both the upper and lower spine, with two deformed vertebral discs. To this day, we can't determine when it started, whether it's genetic and just developed over time (my father had a cervical disc removed), or whether a specific incident like the ones I mentioned were the cause.

I had surgery to remove the upper disc late last year, but it turned to be mostly asymptomatic--there was no change in my condition. The surgeon was insistent that it be removed because the manner in which it was pressing the spinal cord was precarious--a single mild car accident, for example, could have caused me to become quadriplegic. I suppose it's good that I don't have to worry about that, but it's little comfort when I still have lingering symptoms from it. I saw a neurologist recently who told me that the problems I have with my hands will likely be permanent. It could be worse, as I can still use a computer, drive a car, and so forth (at least most of the time), but when it gets bad, I drop things and have poor use of my hands, especially the right one.

Right now surgery isn't suggested for my lower back, even though it's causing all of the nerve pain I'm having today. It's not threatening loss of function of my legs (at least not yet), and the weird position of the disc in my lower spine is not exactly consistent with what the surgeons expect to be causing problems, so they don't want to touch it. I'm trying physical therapy again, and I write this having come back from a session, hopeful that maybe, just maybe, this time around, the sessions will push back the pain a bit. It's the pain that's keeping me from normal life--I can't work because the episodes make me unreliable, much less physically able to commute. Thankfully, my family has been able to support me, or I don't know where I'd be right now.

I've also been seeing a behavioral therapist for a year. I've long talked about depression as that's been a longer battle that I was able to address sooner; I may have even talked about it here at NL. One of the areas in which we've made real progress is my coping skills, especially with regards to my relationship with food. I have a binge eating disorder that has greatly been mitigated by the sessions, and, as you can imagine, is largely responsible for my weight gain. Between working with my therapist and being told I wouldn't be having surgery on the lower disc, I've somehow managed to finally get on a successful diet. I've lost 30 pounds over the past few months. Given what little I can do for my pain, inching myself closer to a healthy weight is one thing that I can control, and while I have no promises that losing weight will improve the disease symptoms, it could help.

Perhaps I'll update here as my journey moves along, but it's been a slow one. We will see where it leads, but I suppose I'm optimistic.