So sorry you are feeling this way Tika.  I understand the off switch thought... I have been there too - but now I am glad it doesn't because maybe I would have used it, and I wouldn't be here now to appreciate coming through? But as I think you understand coming through takes work and until you find the thing that makes a difference, trying all the things one inevitably tries seems to pointless and futile.  Don't isolate yourself though hun.  As tempting as it is - that way is full dark.  Find new people maybe? 

I can't really isolate myself, kids, work, life won't really allow it.  It probably doesn't help much that it's winter (otherwise known as hibernation season) here still.

I think my job and my hours isolate me in a way too, working nights I can't sleep on nights I'm off and I spend a lot of time alone at work with nothing but my own toxic thoughts.  I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it's there but damn it's dark here in the middle.

And nursing is a rough field for depression, too many final moments this winter.

I don't have any useful advice hun. But know I'm here if you want to chat. Here Facebook messenger, line WhatsApp. 

Thank you that means a lot