Broken mind
Entry posted by Moonhawk
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I created this a while ago pending blog entry and life got in the way I have pretty much stayed away because of being so busy, to the point I barely see my relatives. Perks of building a business.
Well for the past 2 and half years i have been building a credit repair business with 2 partners and we currently employee about 40 people in a call center in the Philippines and 10 people here in the US. So it's going good, not profitable enough yet to make good money but it keeps growing.
Anyways to the point of the post. For the past 10 years I have suffered from general anxiety, social anxiety and IBS. They all feed off of each other and its epic fail when the perfect storm of chaos. For quite some time I have been able to control it somewhat and have been able to be "social" and "functional". However for the past 6 months my condition has worsen to the point that I cant make it down the street without having an bad panic attack. Now I am stuck at home working from home and attending to the kids during the summer. I had a similar breakdown about 4 years back and it took some time to get out and back to "normal". Well my phobia is social and at the same time in my own head. IBS is the trigger and anxiety triggers the IBS so it becomes a thought storm of where is the closest bathroom or will I make it there.
A few weeks ago I ended in the hospital because I had a bad panic attack and my BP got so high I got scared and went. The panic attack was caused because my doctor prescribed an anti depressant and I did the biggest mistake you can make when taking a new medicine, I googled. The side effects were swirling in my brain until I had a breakdown and went to the hospital. At the hospital the did all sorts of test, then we got to the cat scan when it peaked I was trembling uncontrollably on the CAT scan bed with no explanation just irrational thoughts swirling.
I quit the medicine that same day before going to the hospital and the doctors all state it was a huge mistake. Well I haven't been good. I have been locked at home depressed and working still perks of being a business owner. The kids have kept me happy but this really sucks. Finally last week I decided to get help and got a therapist who will treat me over the phone for now until I am well enough to go to her office.
My wife has been an angel and has supported me and has managed the office for me while I have been out and done pretty much all the public things like shopping and such.
On the 4th of July for my daughters birthday she wanted to go to my dads house so they could play in the pool. So I went, it was a nightmare of a drive there and back. The day was enjoyable but I havent felt that bad in a while.
Well my thoughts are scrambled and racing 24/7. I cant write a like I used to, or concentrate on anything. No games, books, TV shows etc. Its like days goes by in a fog and I am just rolling through them.
My 1st therapy was yesterday and she gave me some excercises to do, walk my dog for 10 to 15 minutes, exercise daily, meditation, and start me back on the pills (Viibryd). I have done all except the pills that will happen tomorrow.
I am hopeful she can help me fix this. I have a already planned and paid for vacation on the 27th of this month. This trip is a 4 and half hour drive which makes my anxiety spike every time I even think about it.
Well this is where it gets worse. Watching TV and a scene comes on of someone in an airplane, or in a concert crowded with people, or anywhere public my anxiety spikes like if I was the character at the fucking place and I wouldn't find a bathroom or something bad will happen. Anxiety spikes and panic attacks are the name of the game every day. I started taking CBD oil and it helps sometimes but I cant yet leave the house.
In the end this is my rant, I needed a place to vent and I know I have been away for so long and I appreciate you guys keeping this place open. I hope I can get my head straight so I can write a better more coherent post.
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