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Broken mind


Moonhawk

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I created this a while ago pending blog entry and life got in the way I have pretty much stayed away because of being so busy, to the point I barely see my relatives. Perks of building a business.

Well for the past 2 and half years i have been building a credit repair business with 2 partners and we currently employee about 40 people in a call center in the Philippines and 10 people here in the US. So it's going good, not profitable enough yet to make good money but it keeps growing. 

Anyways to the point of the post. For the past 10 years I have suffered from general anxiety, social anxiety and IBS. They all feed off of each other and its epic fail when the perfect storm of chaos. For quite some time I have been able to control it somewhat and have been able to be "social" and "functional". However for the past 6 months my condition has worsen to the point that I cant make it down the street without having an bad panic attack. Now I am stuck at home working from home and attending to the kids during the summer. I had a similar breakdown about 4 years back and it took some time to get out and back to "normal". Well my phobia is social and at the same time in my own head. IBS is the trigger and anxiety triggers the IBS so it becomes a thought storm of where is the closest bathroom or will I make it there. 

A few weeks ago I ended in the hospital because I had a bad panic attack and my BP got so high I got scared and went. The panic attack was caused because my doctor prescribed an anti depressant and I did the biggest mistake you can make when taking a new medicine, I googled. The side effects were swirling in my brain until I had a breakdown and went to the hospital. At the hospital the did all sorts of test, then we got to the cat scan when it peaked I was trembling uncontrollably on the CAT scan bed with no explanation just irrational thoughts swirling.

I quit the medicine that same day before going to the hospital and the doctors all state it was a huge mistake. Well I haven't been good. I have been locked at home depressed and working still perks of being a business owner. The kids have kept me happy but this really sucks. Finally last week I decided to get help and got a therapist who will treat me over the phone for now until I am well enough to go to her office.

 

My wife has been an angel and has supported me and has managed the office for me while I have been out and done pretty much all the public things like shopping and such.

On the 4th of July for my daughters birthday she wanted to go to my dads house so they could play in the pool. So I went, it was a nightmare of a drive there and back. The day was enjoyable but I havent felt that bad in a while.

Well my thoughts are scrambled and racing 24/7. I cant write a like I used to, or concentrate on anything. No games, books, TV shows etc. Its like days goes by in a fog and I am just rolling through them.

 

My 1st therapy was yesterday and she gave me some excercises to do, walk my dog for 10 to 15 minutes, exercise daily, meditation, and start me back on the pills (Viibryd). I have done all except the pills that will happen tomorrow.

I am hopeful she can help me fix this. I have a already planned and paid for vacation on the 27th of this month. This trip is a 4 and half hour drive which makes my anxiety spike every time I even think about it. 

 

Well this is where it gets worse. Watching TV and a scene comes on of someone in an airplane, or in a concert crowded with people, or anywhere public my anxiety spikes like if I was the character at the fucking place and I wouldn't find a bathroom or something bad will happen. Anxiety spikes and panic attacks are the name of the game every day. I started taking CBD oil and it helps sometimes but I cant yet leave the house.

In the end this is my rant, I needed a place to vent and I know I have been away for so long and I appreciate you guys keeping this place open. I hope I can get my head straight so I can write a better more coherent post. 

 

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Hey @MoonhawkI read this the other day at work and wanted to wait until the weekend to reply when I could read it again more thoroughly. I'm sorry you are (still) going through it and of course I wish I could help... Think of some advice or some mind blowing YouTube video or TED talk that will work a miracle for you. But obviously it isn't that simple. I'm glad you have a therapist... I also have a therapist I'm seeing for anxiety and depression though nothing like what you are going through.  Maybe we can lure @Spyderin to comment as he has also suffered from anxiety in the past. Not sure how he dealt with it... Meds therapy or ultimate Frisbee ❤️

 

Glad your business is taking off and your lovely wife is supporting you. You WILL get through this and we WILL be here cheering for you every step of the way. Love you Hawk boy. 

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The pass to days have been rough and I had a complete meltdown because it is starting to affect my marriage. My wife is very frustrated, so we had a talk and we cried like crazy and we held each other. Today we spent the day watching TV together. I know this will pass too someday but I need it to happen already. I even started praying again something I dont do, never been the religious type but at this point I am desperate and I am willing to try anything.

 

Thank you for your reply

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Prayer helps as does meditation. Maybe your wife could benefit from a few therapy sessions too if you can afford it. Keep talking to each other and loving each other. Keep working at it. You are getting there. 

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Well today started as an amazing day. I went for a 30 minute walk and then decided to jump on the car a drive and I drove for about 50 minutes around my town close to the house but still was able to drive around. I even stopped at Walgreens and shopped for some things for about 10 to 15 minutes. I was on a happy high all day. I am coming down now and the anxious thoughts come in and out but I think I can conquer this

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Well more progress today. I stayed out for a total of 3 hours. I took the kids to jujitsu, took care of some shopping with the wife, came back picked up the kids, then when I came home went for a 4 mile walk. Now I am still doubtful of myself because all these things are close to my home and I guess what they call in all anxiety books as a safe zone. I am trying to push my limits every day. Saturday is the dreaded 4 hour drive trip with the family and I dont know yet if I will make it. Onwards and forwards it is.

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The key, I think, is that you are taking baby steps.  You are pushing your boundaries in a way that you need to.  This isn't something you can rush. 

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Well I made it to the trip, i did the 4 hour ride drugged up on xanax but i made it. I'm on day 3 and i was doing good until today the whole family decided to take a trip to a pier to go fishing. I had a panic attack and I couldnt go. So they went without me. The worse part is the thought of letting my family down. I have always been the one that got "my crap together" or I pretend I do and this whole ordeal makes me ashamed of even facing my family. This sucks and i know i cant rush it but fuck i hate letting people down specially my family.

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DO NOT THINK LIKE THIS!!  OMG you got there, and you got your family there safely - well done you!  That in itself is an amazing achievement. Remember everything you do you are modelling for your children.  You want your kids to grow up and be able to take care of themselves... to judge when to push and when to say 'no more' and set a boundary.  Today you modelled self care and limit setting.  Let them in a little, be vulnerable.  Who knows teaching them this may save their lives in the future - far more valuable that a fishing trip.  You are an amazing father and husband - you have built your business out of nothing and fight so hard for them.

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It's been a while and I promised myself I would post. Today I cant sleep so here I am posting. 

I would like to say I am much better yet not at 100%. I can go to most places I used to and some new ones. Still crowded places and long trips give me anxiety. My therapist says I have been her best client and that it is crazy the way I approach things, let's say i jump in head first most times. 

 

As i was getting better I had an accident which basically almost amputated the tip of my ring finger. I had to go to the hospital and later on get surgery. That entire week was the most anxious since the trip. However I have kept up with my excersises(long walks), prayer, and meditation which all have helped tremedously. Now I have a huge trip that I need to do, it is a 30 hour flight to the Phillipines where I have our call center and I feel like all progress I have made is for nothing because I cant make myself even purchase the plane tickets let alone look at the hotels. Therapist says I have all the tools just lack the confidence in myself. She as well as my wife are 100% confident that I can do this yet I am afraid to even take step one. Trying to work things out with my battle inside my head, let's see where this road takes me.

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Edited by Moonhawk
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2 things brother.  

  1. When you go to the Philippines, you should take a weekend and come to Bangkok. :D 
  2. How did you do that to your finger??  
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