My Journey

[Redly]

I wanted to share this with you all and I think this is the most appropriate place to do so. 

I decided, after a lot of deliberation and thinking, to start blogging, specifically about my mental health and creative journey. 

I lost my dad last year, really suddenly. It has obviously sparked a lot of emotions and struggles, and I decided to go to regular counselling, which I continue to this day. I have always had a lot of emotions that can sometimes overwhelm me, and counselling has helped me to accept them, and ultimately accept me. 

I also happen to want to be more creative and find my fears overwhelm that (I've discovered I'm a very scared person). 

So my blog is my way of publicly writing about my thoughts on the world, tracking my journey to being more creative and overcoming my fears. I decided to publicly announce it on my Facebook account to all my friends and family, including the fact that I go to counselling every week. I have a real issue with the stigma attached to mental health and combat it in any way I can. This is one of my ways. It has allowed me to write about my Dad, in a constructive way. 

So, I'd love to share it with you all  It isn't the most regular thing and not the best blog in the world at the moment, but it is mine and I like having a productive way of getting thoughts and emotions out of me and into the tangible world. 

And I realised it wasn't as scary to talk about things as I'd thought. 

Here you go: https://forthineownselfcreate.wordpress.com/

[fox]

Oh you beautiful human. 

Thank you for sharing you like you do. Thank you for writing about yourself and your life, and sharing that story with the world that it touches.

I just really love you. You're another one, I need to keep in better touch with you.

I'm glad you have avenues to address your grief. I love that you have taken those steps. To honour your emotions and to experience them and to walk with them, safely and creatively, with respect to them and to you. It sounds like you're doing beautifully and I'm really looking forward to spending time with your blog. A lot. (I'm currently at work, or I'd be pouring over it right now. I've skimmed it and what I've skimmed is lovely. And raw. And honest. And true. ...and you.)

Thank you for sharing this, and you, with us, too.

[Redly]

 thank you. Believe me when I say it took a lot for me to start talking about my emotions. It wasn’t something I had ever really done before. 

Particularly about my dad. I don’t mention it on my blog to save my Mum potential embarrassment but he was severely alcoholic, which ended up killing him. I lived with him and Mum 3 years before he died and honestly it was a living nightmare. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It was an awful way to live. As such, I don’t just have grief but also bitterness, relief that he’s gone, some guilt that I feel that and hatred. 

Actually, I’m very glad I have NLs. I won’t put that stuff on my blog, as I said, but I feel I can put it here as it is unlikely to reach people I know in real life and cause embarrassment for my Mum. As far as many people know, he was depressed (which I believe he was anyway) and suffered work stress. 

Bit of a nightmare, to be fair! 

But I didn’t want my blog to be just that. I am loving exploring my creativity and the emotions it inspires or sources. I plan to post about writing in there too. It’s all linked so heavily with my emotions. I’m very grateful that I can accept them, and walk with as you say. It makes life so much easier lol. 

thank you. 

[Kenai]

I'm glad the counseling is helping.  I'm sorry the last years with your dad were terrible.  How was he before the disease changed him?

[Redly]

He was a good person. He was to the end, just very lost and confused and broken. He used to get really angry but never violent. It was just misery. He was always the problem solver, mr fix it who just helped everyone. 

Counselling is a help. So is this place. I can’t vent publically on my blog to save my mum the shame I know she would feel. I know I can talk honestly here. 

I can say that it has caused a lasting effect. I really do not like drunken people. I have a horrible fear about it all. 

[Kethlia]

Hugs* Then is we ever meet in real life Mistress I will bring a sparkling  apple cider or grape cider no alcohol what so ever to enjoy with you and maybe a picnic outdoors. Though I doubt there will be a view more breathing taking than the one is will be my companion

[Kenai]

I know its easy to say, but I think its important to remember him for who he was before the disease started messing with him.  Maybe for every bad memory you think about you could forcefully remember a couple good ones?

[hirondelle]

Brave post @Redly  I think it is easy to say that alcoholism is a disease but we still somehow hold people responsible for 'getting it' and if they get it for being unable to 'rid themselves' of it.  And even while feeling that way it isn't black and white - some people find the strength to quit smoking while others smoke themselves to death, the same with booze or heroin or obese people who eat themselves to death.  I know your dad's story was probably very complicated.  He was able to be so strong professionally and apparently so weak privately.  Maybe that was the price of his professional strength?  A terrible price for his family to be sure.  You mentioned a couple of times that your mum would be so ashamed if his alcoholism got out and a definitely agree that outing him (and therefore her) on your blog would be awful, but maybe she ultimately needs that to heal.  That would be for you and her to decide, but I don't know... healing can come in many guises.  Maybe she is protecting his reputation at the cost of her (and your peace).

I think my dad killed himself too - indirectly.  It wasn't drink it was bitterness and anger.  I left my first husband (who dad adored) and moved in with Dom who dad initially hated.  I don't think he really hated Dom - he was so blind with anger (at me) that he couldn't see Dom.  He saw his stupid daughter who had left a quiet and shy gentleman for a loud American lout. By the time he realised how wrong he was, how much Dom and I loved each other, how beautiful Dom was inside and out he already had terminal cancer.  I felt responsible, and guilty and angry for a long time.  It still comes in waves.  But I know it was his story and it was constructed entirely by him.  I could have done things better, but I was living my story the best I could at the time too.

All I am saying it we have so many ways to punish ourselves for our complex relationships with our parents (I could write so many essays on this haha), but ultimately we have to hold our love in a light open hand, not a clenched fist and let the negative elements fall through our fingers while retain the best part gently in our palm.  

None of this is advice, just my honest response.  I am very grateful you shared this because I have struggled with my dad's death since before he died (as in I knew in advance it was going to mess with my head) in 2009.  Your story helped me feel less alone, and move closer to healing... I hope in time I will be able to do the same for you.

Tagging @Timberwolf because I mention him, and also because he has dealt with alcoholism in his family too.

 

[Timberwolf]

 @fox for being a loving and supporting friend.  In all the years I've known you, you have been one of the best humans I can think of.  Your love inspires people in ways you don't always know about.

 @Kenai for being an open hearted and loving human.  In the years that I have know you, I have seen you give everything to people, sometimes to people who may not have deserved it, and yet you still give.

 @Kethlia for being such an inspiration to so many people.  In the few short years (I don't think I can say short years any more, but compared to the others  ) I have seen you and your kind, caring and loving heart lift people's spirits in their time of need time and time again.

 @hirondelle for being my air.  You and I have known each other now going on about 15 years.  There was a time in my life when I felt the air was being slowly sucked from my lungs and my life was growing dark.  You came into my life filled my life with air again.  I have seen you do this with people time and time again, always breathing your air into them for the support they need.

 @Redly for being courageous and honest.  In the years I've known you, you have always been quite a courageous person, sharing openly your heart with people in the "fake" online world.  You have shared so many things with not only myself, and not only with the people on this list, but with many of our online family.  To meet you in real life when Tracy and I were in London both times and getting lost the last time, was such and honor.  

I remember when I met Tracy's dad.  It was a bit of a shock to him.  It was at the airport, and he had just given Tracy a hug and turned around, and there was this "giant" of an American looking at him with an outstretched hand introducing himself.  Quite daunting for anybody to say the least.  He, rightfully so, had his fears about me.  I had left my wife and 2 kids in America to come be with his lovely daughter, what's to say I wasn't going to love her and leave her and break her heart.  Like any good son-in-law I needed to prove my love for her and for him, and I believe in the last couple of years of his life, he did see how much I loved his daughter and saw that I wasn't a bad man, and I believe, because of that, he loved me in his way.

As for my family, yes, I have alcoholism and drug addiction in my family.  I personally have never felt what it was like to have an addiction, and I honestly hope that I never do, but it took me years to have even a small inkling of what it's like through talking to my family and listening to and reading the stories of some of my favorite artists talking about their struggles with alcohol and drugs.

If you would like to hear my story, I'm more than happy to share it with you or even just discuss it here or wherever.

Redly, thank you so much for trusting in us enough to talk about this here.  I am honored that you did, and honored to have you here.

[Kenai]

Wolf, you nearly  made me cry.  I love how you always see the positive in people.

[Redly]

You’re all amazing, thank you. This is why I am so glad to be back here. I even talked to my counsellor about you all! 

7 hours ago, Kethlia said:

Hugs* Then is we ever meet in real life Mistress I will bring a sparkling  apple cider or grape cider no alcohol what so ever to enjoy with you and maybe a picnic outdoors. Though I doubt there will be a view more breathing taking than the one is will be my companion

Thank you  that’s very considerate of you. I do drink myself, but very minimally. A large part of that is simply because I don’t like the taste of most alcoholic drinks. I’ve never seen the point if you don’t actually like the taste or like being drunk. I like neither, so I don’t drink much. I’ve been pressured through the years and have bitten back hard when people start to tease. In the environment I work in, not drinking is more unusual than drinking. 

Which is perhaps a large part of why my dad drank. It was the culture. The armed forces are terrible for it. 

1 hour ago, Kenai said:

I know its easy to say, but I think its important to remember him for who he was before the disease started messing with him.  Maybe for every bad memory you think about you could forcefully remember a couple good ones?

I do remember the good stuff too. I’ve moved past part of the worst feelings. A few months back I had a melt down, but in my better half’s arms so I allowed myself to feel all the anger and the bitterness and hatred and guilt. It was the first time I could admit I had moments where I hated him. Not for leaving me but for leaving my mum and putting her (and us) through all of that. I can honestly say I wouldn’t have wished it on my worst enemy. 

I do remember the good stuff though and often talk about the times when he was sober and healthy. Promise 

But there is a long road ahead. By long, I mean for the rest of my life. I know I will never ‘get over’ this. I don’t believe anyone gets over the loss of a loved one. 

1 hour ago, hirondelle said:

Brave post @Redly  I think it is easy to say that alcoholism is a disease but we still somehow hold people responsible for 'getting it' and if they get it for being unable to 'rid themselves' of it.  And even while feeling that way it isn't black and white - some people find the strength to quit smoking while others smoke themselves to death, the same with booze or heroin or obese people who eat themselves to death.  I know your dad's story was probably very complicated.  He was able to be so strong professionally and apparently so weak privately.  Maybe that was the price of his professional strength?  A terrible price for his family to be sure.  You mentioned a couple of times that your mum would be so ashamed if his alcoholism got out and a definitely agree that outing him (and therefore her) on your blog would be awful, but maybe she ultimately needs that to heal.  That would be for you and her to decide, but I don't know... healing can come in many guises.  Maybe she is protecting his reputation at the cost of her (and your peace).

I think my dad killed himself too - indirectly.  It wasn't drink it was bitterness and anger.  I left my first husband (who dad adored) and moved in with Dom who dad initially hated.  I don't think he really hated Dom - he was so blind with anger (at me) that he couldn't see Dom.  He saw his stupid daughter who had left a quiet and shy gentleman for a loud American lout. By the time he realised how wrong he was, how much Dom and I loved each other, how beautiful Dom was inside and out he already had terminal cancer.  I felt responsible, and guilty and angry for a long time.  It still comes in waves.  But I know it was his story and it was constructed entirely by him.  I could have done things better, but I was living my story the best I could at the time too.

All I am saying it we have so many ways to punish ourselves for our complex relationships with our parents (I could write so many essays on this haha), but ultimately we have to hold our love in a light open hand, not a clenched fist and let the negative elements fall through our fingers while retain the best part gently in our palm.  

None of this is advice, just my honest response.  I am very grateful you shared this because I have struggled with my dad's death since before he died (as in I knew in advance it was going to mess with my head) in 2009.  Your story helped me feel less alone, and move closer to healing... I hope in time I will be able to do the same for you.

Tagging @Timberwolf because I mention him, and also because he has dealt with alcoholism in his family too.

 

I’m so sorry to hear all that you endured as well. It is a terrible thing to feel. 

I share the fact he was alcoholic, with work colleagues and my friends, because it actually doesn’t bother me whether people know. Some select members of the family know, mostly because I told them when he was alive. His youngest brother was also alcoholic and that killed him a year before it killed my dad. I am sensitive to my Mum because I know she hasn’t told many people at work, I think to save her professional reputation. They worked in the sameness place and i think people would treat her differently, in her mind. My mum I still a very strong character and she was always determined not to be a weeping widow. She continues to be an inspiration to us kids. 

It will always come in waves, I think. Perhaps it will lessen, but the feelings will be there. My hatred is less, much less lol. But sometimes I’ll find myself thinking about things, particularly the night he died, because Mum found him and I got home shortly after. I remember almost everything. Sometimes it spills out in tears, sometimes it’s just a memory. As you say, everything about my dad was complex. I saw him at his worst, but had many years of his best before that. My brothers tread different paths to me. 

My main lesson from counselling has been to accept my emotions, not fight them. So I do let the positives drift about but also let myself feel the negatives. It just happens. I just have bad days where a song will get me (as I blogged about too) or I’ll talk about it like this lol. It’s just grief. 

Im glad my story helped yours also helped me. I am sorry you’ve had a similar path to walk. It’s never nice. But better knowing that there are others. I feel the same way knowing you’re there with me. 

26 minutes ago, Timberwolf said:

 @fox for being a loving and supporting friend.  In all the years I've known you, you have been one of the best humans I can think of.  Your love inspires people in ways you don't always know about.

 @Kenai for being an open hearted and loving human.  In the years that I have know you, I have seen you give everything to people, sometimes to people who may not have deserved it, and yet you still give.

 @Kethlia for being such an inspiration to so many people.  In the few short years (I don't think I can say short years any more, but compared to the others  ) I have seen you and your kind, caring and loving heart lift people's spirits in their time of need time and time again.

 @hirondelle for being my air.  You and I have known each other now going on about 15 years.  There was a time in my life when I felt the air was being slowly sucked from my lungs and my life was growing dark.  You came into my life filled my life with air again.  I have seen you do this with people time and time again, always breathing your air into them for the support they need.

 @Redly for being courageous and honest.  In the years I've known you, you have always been quite a courageous person, sharing openly your heart with people in the "fake" online world.  You have shared so many things with not only myself, and not only with the people on this list, but with many of our online family.  To meet you in real life when Tracy and I were in London both times and getting lost the last time, was such and honor.  

I remember when I met Tracy's dad.  It was a bit of a shock to him.  It was at the airport, and he had just given Tracy a hug and turned around, and there was this "giant" of an American looking at him with an outstretched hand introducing himself.  Quite daunting for anybody to say the least.  He, rightfully so, had his fears about me.  I had left my wife and 2 kids in America to come be with his lovely daughter, what's to say I wasn't going to love her and leave her and break her heart.  Like any good son-in-law I needed to prove my love for her and for him, and I believe in the last couple of years of his life, he did see how much I loved his daughter and saw that I wasn't a bad man, and I believe, because of that, he loved me in his way.

As for my family, yes, I have alcoholism and drug addiction in my family.  I personally have never felt what it was like to have an addiction, and I honestly hope that I never do, but it took me years to have even a small inkling of what it's like through talking to my family and listening to and reading the stories of some of my favorite artists talking about their struggles with alcohol and drugs.

If you would like to hear my story, I'm more than happy to share it with you or even just discuss it here or wherever.

Redly, thank you so much for trusting in us enough to talk about this here.  I am honored that you did, and honored to have you here.

thank you  we do have some amazing people here, don’t we? I wouldn’t share so readily if I didn’t feel I could. Being online removes many inhibitions but can also create new ones. As soon as I knew you were all here again, I knew I wanted to share my story. I knew you’d all understand and, if you didn’t, that you’d just listen (read) and accept. The real world isn’t like that. 

Im glad things were a bit better in the end. It’s sad that sometimes bad things have to happen for people to realise, but I suppose that’s how life goes. I’m glad you were both strong enough in each other to persevere. You’ve been through a lot of trials. It’s so inspiring to know how amazingly you’ve done. 

I must say, I had no idea until I started with my dads addiction. Sometimes the pity I feel, even know, is so overwhelming, I sit and just cry. I could see past his malicious words to the hurt and pain underneath in a way that others might not have. If you want to share, I’d like to listen. I’d be honoured to hear your stories. One of the biggest helps me and Mum had wasn’t going to AA for families. Sadly, this was 2 days before his body gave in, but a terrible least we had a light at the end of the tunnel before he left. 

However you wish to share, I’ll listen. 

Im honoured to be here. To have such good friends and family around me. Thank you all. 

24 minutes ago, Kenai said:

Wolf, you nearly  made me cry.  I love how you always see the positive in people.

Isnt he great? 

P.S. sat at my desk at work crying. So many feels! 

 

[Kethlia]

@AllinThread

Absoluty cried! Saddeness, pain, then warmth and your genuine acceptance of those present.

@hirondelletight hugs, it takes a man who won't back down from being himself to show our families their true worth. The same goes for a woman as well.

@Timberwolf Thank you Wolf Daddy. I truly did not know I did so. I only knew my Pervy, spastic, kethisms self with way too many rp personas to see there were people being helped.

@Redly I have had a taste or a cup+ but I value my mind too much to lose it. I keep my guard up (second nature even around family and friends) to let myself lose perspective of my surroundings. And anything that happens while pleasantly relaxed from a drink that worries me, near instantly sobers me.  So those are my real drinks of choice and the company  a blessed moment in my life

@fox and @Kenai hugs you both. What wonderful people we have here. The truth told even though it could hurt and the support to back any one of us up.

@Redly as an aside I hope you at least told the counselor about our bad sides first. 😏

[Redly]

I love this place, just FYI. 

Thanks @Kethlia. Acceptance is the easiest way to happiness. It doesn’t always work! But I’m better than I was. I’m fairly pragmatic around death anyway - it was all the other feelings that came with grief that started to drown me. I think the hardest part was seeing what it did to my Mum. 

Ha ha, no. I talked about my feelings of coming home and the masks which aren’t masks. He said he’s actually doing some work with other counsellors about the inhibition effect of being online, and how it removes many inhibitions. It’s good.