All the moods...

[Tika]

Not sure what's up with me today but I have had rampant extreme mood swings...  this morning I was just too tired to think, then I was sad, then irrationally angry, now I'm happy.  I'm really hoping to just stay with happy now...

[hirondelle]

I don’t if you know the song ‘Four seasons in one day’ by crowded house. It is the theme tune in my head for this feeling when I am having it... I won’t say it happens a lot, but it does happen and for me it is usually hormonal.  Hoping you stuck with happy too. 

[Tika]

I haven't heard it but I will have to go look it up.

It probably is hormonal I think I'm starting to head into another fun stage of womanhood lol.  Like sometimes I'll be just a raging bitch and then the next day my period will start and I'll be like oh... ok.   Sometimes I get to the point where I have to look at my own craziness and just laugh, or I'd really go crazy.

[hirondelle]

Yes yes! Though for me it is 'all the tears' rather than 'raging bitch'. Sometimes 'silent loathing'  that's always fun. 

[Tika]

Yeah sometimes it's all the tears and then raging bitch and then all the tears again and I get the silent loathing too.  And then I get to the point where it's total emotional shut down just because I can't take the roller coaster anymore.

[Cyrain]

Every now and then i'll have a day or two where i'm super emotional for no clear reason... like spending the 45 minute ride home crying kinda emotional... and have to stop and think what time it is to see if it's an actual thing going on, or if it's just hormones seriously tanking my mood. 

I think I also tend to get jealous and insecure the wrong time of month... always have to stop before i say anything to see if what i'm upset about is legitimate or if any other time it wouldn't be a big issue.

[Tika]

Today was supposed to be a good day...  instead of one where I wake up, look at my phone and cry.  It's a good thing my phone was plugged into a charger or I'm pretty sure I would have broken it when I threw it at the wall.

Now I have an hour to pretend I'm still sleeping before I have to go downstairs and act like a normal not fucked up human person.  I really want to just not leave my bed, to just hide away forever, to just not have to be this anymore.  But I can't, I won't because I won't do that to my kids.  I grew up with a mother who suffered from depression and I remember how helpless I felt when she wouldn't get out of bed.

I try to focus on the good things in my life and there are so many, I have amazing kids, I have a good job and can take care of us, I have friends  (although I've kind of pulled away from them but I'm trying not to) why do I let the bad overwhelm me.  

Fuck love, it's a horrible thing and sometimes I feel like I've done something so wrong in some lifetime and I'm being punished.  Like I'm never going to be good enough or that I don't deserve to be happy 

~curls up in the corner~