Oh brain. I just #lovehate you. So much.

[fox]

I love that you exist and that you drive that whole thinking thing that we do.

But.

Could you MAYBE just hold on to one positive thought? ...one time...?

I'm having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Like. I joke, but today was bad. It's not awful right now, because I just dove all-in on a project for work. Having typed that, I'm sure it'll get bad again - if history tells me anything. 

I am absolutely unable to focus on anything positive today. I mean that's fairly standard, but usually there's something. Nope. Noooooooooooope. The world is shit, I hate everything*; please stop, I'm getting off.

I am living and breathing for the moment my children are in bed and I can go have a hot tub, read, and go to fucking bed.

*This is actually wholly inaccurate. I don't hate everything. I just really, really hate myself.

Edited October 6, 2017 by fox

[Aliea]

@foxThey are the worse days, and I would have words of wisdom or comfort but in all honesty I would just love to join you right now with doing Fuck all and sleeping, sleeping would be good right now.

We shall get through though and tomorrow is another day. ~hugs tightly~

[Tika]

~hugs~  I am so with you on this one.  

And on another note I love that book, my son's name is Alexander so Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day was a book we read many times together.

Edited October 7, 2017 by Tika

[Timberwolf]

I'm sorry you all, @fox, @Aliea, and @Tika have been having such a horrible time.

Hugs all three ladies

Sometimes, you just need to call it a day and start over fresh the next day.  Know that we all are here for you if you need.

[Kethlia]

Join Timberwolf in the group hugs.

Yes, lean on our shoulders, cry in our arms. Rant to us, pound on us but let us be there for you when you don't have ability to be strong.  Because we are human we need to feel our way through the tough times and allow those who love us to support us even as they feel helpless to do more, their love, our love will be a measure of strength to hold onto.

[fox]

On 10/6/2017 at 4:45 PM, Aliea said:

@foxThey are the worse days, and I would have words of wisdom or comfort but in all honesty I would just love to join you right now with doing Fuck all and sleeping, sleeping would be good right now.

We shall get through though and tomorrow is another day. ~hugs tightly~

Thank you. A lot. And yeah. Right? Life. Good grief. Whyyyyyyyy? Why must you be so fucking life-y...?  

On 10/6/2017 at 5:12 PM, Tika said:

~hugs~  I am so with you on this one.  

And on another note I love that book, my son's name is Alexander so Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day was a book we read many times together.

Hah! We love that book in my house, too.  

On 10/7/2017 at 10:24 PM, Timberwolf said:

I'm sorry you all, @fox, @Aliea, and @Tika have been having such a horrible time.

Hugs all three ladies

Sometimes, you just need to call it a day and start over fresh the next day.  Know that we all are here for you if you need.

All very true. BUT. Sometimes it feels like that new day won't come. And if it does, sometimes it really feels like it's just going to be more of the old day. It's just tiring. I'm just tired. Really tired.

1 hour ago, Kethlia said:

Join Timberwolf in the group hugs.

Yes, lean on our shoulders, cry in our arms. Rant to us, pound on us but let us be there for you when you don't have ability to be strong.  Because we are human we need to feel our way through the tough times and allow those who love us to support us even as they feel helpless to do more, their love, our love will be a measure of strength to hold onto.

 

In other news, the mood is better. This weekend wasn't great. And then it was okay. And then it went to shit again. So. YAY...! ...so it goes, I guess. But some good, necessary conversations happened, so I guess that's a good takeaway. 

[Kethlia]

💕

[fox]

Weeeeeeeeee! Spinning like a top.

Guys. Life is balls. Just. Like okay, I know things are good and there's good. But fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck can it just go suck a fucking cock.

Today sucks. Yesterday sucked. I wanted really bad things. It was ugly. THANKFULLY there was shovelling. And vodka. And then more shovelling. Because fuck.

[fox]

Things have changed. Oooh boy, like a LOT since 2017. Which, arguably, they should. Because that's a few years. But damn, 2017 was a shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitty year in my life/head.

 

But that's not where we are. We're here. In 2021.

 

And you know what? I'm divorced, I own my house, I changed my job (an organization), I took a long medical leave, I started "happier brain" meds (SSRIs). I need to layer therapy back into that in a big way, but these are good changes. I still have shit days, but most of them, recently at least, are because I'm facing some big past demons that I need to slog away at. I don't like 'em, but they're important to face and so face them I shall.

 

So. Still #lovehate-ing my skull meat.

[hirondelle]

@fox great update Four years eh? Where did the time go?

 

There is a post somewhere... That I made recently, about a 9 week Mindful Self Compassion program I'm about to start - to deal with the self hate thing. I realise as you indicated above that you do actually have to work at it, literally. It is hard work to change negative thought habits. But I need to try.

 

I used to think I needed to do it for @Timberwolfbut now I realise I'm 51 and my days on this planet are limited and I'd quite like to be the best version of myself for a portion of them.

 

Anyway I am glad you are in a better place and having a demon fighting strategy in place. Thanks for sharing. 

[fox]

I mean, on that note, I just wrote myself into a shitty dark corner, so there's some fucking life/Universe balance for you. 

[hirondelle]

2 hours ago, fox said:

I mean, on that note, I just wrote myself into a shitty dark corner, so there's some fucking life/Universe balance for you. 

 

That happens also. Can you write yourself out? Or float yourself out on a lake of Rye? 

[fox]

9 hours ago, hirondelle said:

 

That happens also. Can you write yourself out? Or float yourself out on a lake of Rye? 

Probably, but when I get into a pit of despair I have blinders one. It's an obstacle.