Solicitation of review and editing of writing assignment

[icewlf]

Ok, my first writing assignment for my professional writing course was to develop an internal unsolicited proposal for an issue that I have identified in my work place.  The draft was due for peer review tonight, and the final is due on Saturday.  If anyone has some time, and is willing, please take a look at the attached document and let me know what you feel I should change, what I misspelled, where I used too many commas, where I was too verbose, etc.  The name of the company is fake (not comfrotable using my real company's name, as if this were real, I'd have done one hell of a lot more research before writing it).  

Thanks for any help you can provide.  And thanks for just making it through this post, even if you don't read the file =P 

Henson-Writing Assignment 1.docx

[hirondelle]

Reviewed quickly, comments added.  Good assignment.

 

Henson-Writing Assignment 1 - TD.docx

[icewlf]

Thanks @hirondelle!!!  This will definitely help.  So far, I've only had one classmate comment on mine, and it was only to say it was really good.  Offered no criticism or suggestions for improvement.  Its a tad aggravating to not get meaningful feedback from the class =P

[Phoenix]

Your literature review looks great.

I don't know if you have specific parameters (i.e., you had to create a scenario out of of whole cloth), and my proposal writing experience is in the public sector, but best practices for proposal writing in my field say to be as specific as possible in your fact reporting, to avoid so-called "weasel words," and to watch for round numbers. I can't see Hiro's comments, so she might have gotten the first one, "higher than normal turnover percentages." The first question back from the executive is going to be "what exactly are the percentages?" This appears again in the second graph, "A large percentage of the employees who are assigned to first level management roles..." If nothing else, a percentage (especially one that's not a round number) makes it look like you've done your research on the personnel. Same goes for the schedule--seeing 200, 100, 40, 20 man hours, round numbers without specific breakouts, might raise an eyebrow.

[icewlf]

Thanks guys, 

Attached is my first revision, based on all the comments I've gotten.  @Phoenix, @hirondelle called out he percentage issue too.  I'd like to fix it, but I can't remember the percentages, and I'd have no source.   I'm going to just bank on the fact that is was supposed to be an internal proposal, so senior management will be very aware of the turnover rates within the different divisions.  *crossing my fingers that I don't get called on it* =P   

Tracey,  as to the comment on repeating myself in the summary and intro....that was the way our book wanted it done.  I'm not used to doing it to that extent.  I'm used to writing an executive summary that rewords it, but, I followed the book on this one.  

I'm hoping I don't lose points on the length (she gave us a minimum word count, but not a max, soo.....=P

Oh, phoenix, on the estimate, I'd like to do more exact, but i was trying to estimate the level of effort, and rounded up to give a little more time, but to try to be accurate.   I'm willing to switch a ffew up and add 5 hours, or drop 5 hours.  

SO , that said, if you guys are willing again, have the changes I've made improved it?

Henson-Writing Assignment 1_rev1.docx

[hirondelle]

2 hours ago, icewlf said:

Thanks guys, 

Attached is my first revision, based on all the comments I've gotten.  @Phoenix, @hirondelle called out he percentage issue too.  I'd like to fix it, but I can't remember the percentages, and I'd have no source.   I'm going to just bank on the fact that is was supposed to be an internal proposal, so senior management will be very aware of the turnover rates within the different divisions.  *crossing my fingers that I don't get called on it* =P   

Tracey,  as to the comment on repeating myself in the summary and intro....that was the way our book wanted it done.  I'm not used to doing it to that extent.  I'm used to writing an executive summary that rewords it, but, I followed the book on this one.  

I'm hoping I don't lose points on the length (she gave us a minimum word count, but not a max, soo.....=P

Oh, phoenix, on the estimate, I'd like to do more exact, but i was trying to estimate the level of effort, and rounded up to give a little more time, but to try to be accurate.   I'm willing to switch a ffew up and add 5 hours, or drop 5 hours.  

SO , that said, if you guys are willing again, have the changes I've made improved it?

Henson-Writing Assignment 1_rev1.docx

Usually academic organisations have a word count plus or minus x% (in the UK 10% seems to be the standard) so I would make sure that isn't stated anywhere before exceeding the word count by too much. 

It depends on the focus of the assignment.  If it is more of a language focus I think it is fine without percentages, but if the point is persuasive / realistic business case without figures it would be tough to get it through (real world).  I would be tempted to make up the stats (I do this all the time in my work too haha).  Educated guesses, not complete fiction.

I won't have time to reread today but if tomorrow (Friday) is ok I might have time then.

My name is Tracy.  No e.  Just like Icewlf has no o.  It's important to me. 

 

 

[Phoenix]

4 hours ago, icewlf said:

Thanks guys, 

Attached is my first revision, based on all the comments I've gotten.  @Phoenix, @hirondelle called out he percentage issue too.  I'd like to fix it, but I can't remember the percentages, and I'd have no source.   I'm going to just bank on the fact that is was supposed to be an internal proposal, so senior management will be very aware of the turnover rates within the different divisions.  *crossing my fingers that I don't get called on it* =P   

Tracey,  as to the comment on repeating myself in the summary and intro....that was the way our book wanted it done.  I'm not used to doing it to that extent.  I'm used to writing an executive summary that rewords it, but, I followed the book on this one.  

I'm hoping I don't lose points on the length (she gave us a minimum word count, but not a max, soo.....=P

Oh, phoenix, on the estimate, I'd like to do more exact, but i was trying to estimate the level of effort, and rounded up to give a little more time, but to try to be accurate.   I'm willing to switch a ffew up and add 5 hours, or drop 5 hours.  

SO , that said, if you guys are willing again, have the changes I've made improved it?

Henson-Writing Assignment 1_rev1.docx

If you don't have the exact figures, you don't have them. Grant execs just don't like seeing a bunch of round numbers in a breakdown.

I don't see anything obvious to change in this revision.

[icewlf]

Sorry bout the name misspell @hirondelle......i know I shouldn't type when i'm tired, cause I make even more mistakes than when I'm not, but I do it anyway for some reason =P.  

[hirondelle]

heh no worries... everyone does it, but I only correct people I care about