2017

[Aliea]

So this year has officially been one of the worst.

I have been suffering with anxiety and Depression since just before Christmas and it all came to a head in June when I basically had a mental break and I ran away.

I didn't run for long and ended back where I belong. I have been off work for over three months and I went back for the first day yesterday. 

It went well I guess but my god did I feel like a failure and that in turn has led me to feeling like crap even though I shouldn't be feeling that way.

Anyways I will probably use this as a bit of a rant station as and when I need to, to apologise in advance x

[Redly]

At the risk of sounding patronising, thank you for sharing. Sorry to hear it’s been such a terrible year. 

Ranting is good. Get it all out. I’ll be doing my fair share!

[Lightningfall]

I'm sorry to hear that things have been that bad, @Aliea, but you feel free to rant as much as you want.

[Aliea]

It's not at all patronizing @Redly in fact it's nice to know ppl care. Depression is an evil thing and at the begging of all this I really thought that no one cared and that I was the worse mum in the world. Now I appreciate the care ppl show so thanks x

@Lightningfall its okay 🙂 and believe me I will be x

[Redly]

Depression is indeed evil. A friend of mine suffers it. I think my Dad had it too. It's important that you know you are cared for and, also, not alone. 

What a blessing it is to have a place like this where we can rant and not be judged or shamed. 

[Kenai]

This is in response to the worst mom in the world comment...

1) are your kids fed and clothed?

2) do they know you love them?

If yes to both, you have a long way to go before you hit worst mom in the world status.

[Aliea]

@Kenai yes to both

And I know this, I know I love him and he is the best thing in my life and he knows I would do anything for him.

What made me feel that way was that for just a moment I had wished I never had him, I had regretted having him and in that moment I felt such a huge amount of hate for myself that even now I can not forgive myself. It sounds bad, how could I regret the brighter light in my life?

That is why I feel like a bad mum.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Aliea

[Kenai]

I think a lot of mom's have that thought.  I love my little guy more than I have words for, and I still have times where I think back fondly before he was born and I just had all that time.  Life was duller then, but so much easier.

*hugs* Having brief thoughts like that doesn't make you a bad mom.  It makes you human.

 

[Ren]

 Well said Kenai...Aliea, we are all "bad parents" we all have done or do things that are "right" and people still think its wrong. My kids are now OMG. I am soo ancient.. my boy is 33 with 3 grand kids my daughter is 29 and 1 baby who is just 13 months and is now about 3 months pregnant. They are just learning how the world really is.

I have depression as well honey...its nothing to be ashamed of. As humans we are so over whelmed and expected to do things its a vile, evil issue that sneaks up and takes over your life. 

we are all here for everyone and in every way we can be. Just so you know. I Love you all...don;t give a damn about the rest of the world..NL'ers are the best and we have each others backs. and are a support family like no other. 

[hirondelle]

Love you guys. Thank you for coming here and being so open. *hugs @Aliea tight* sorry you had to go through that honey, and a still going through the aftermath. Love you.

[Redly]

Agreed. Northlanders are the best. Family. 

[Kethlia]

Hugs everyone tightly. This is why this forum exists to be here when needed for those who need it most. This is probably blind faith but the fact that you returned home and went back to work are still steps forward that worthy of being milestones for the tough times ahead.  The hardest thing for me to hear is being called a quitter.  The hardest thing to accept is failure but each one gives you a choice to prove to yourself that you can keep moving forward.  If I am ever given a choice between the easy path or the hardest path I would chose the latter.  Because not once during an easy time in my life did I learn something about myself to make me push forward doggedly. Instead it made me lazy, uncaring and pessimistic in the extreme.  So I hope that my words help you and all who read this and feel it inwardly. Take the time to breathe, write it out and let others see when you need them. It will help, it will strengthen, it will let us be there for you.

[fox]

Oh beautiful soul.

I get that. Hard. I get that so hard that it hurts. It hurts because it fucking hurts. Because thinking those things and feeling that way is awful and it makes you wish awful things. But you're human and you're thinking those things and feeling that way because you're human. And you have shit to deal with. And when you have shit to deal with, it scatters everything. 

At least, that's been my 2017. And it's been a goddamn doozy. And I've had those thoughts and I've felt those feelings. Not exactly, I don't mean to trivialize or lessen or take over. I just want you to know you're not alone. In any way. Even when you are and you're having thoughts that you are unique to you, we're here. I'm here. You always have us, and now you REALLY have us (again). Even if you just need us to hold the space for you to be you and honour your Self, we're here. Steadfast, quiet, without judgement, and with hugs and love and support.

You're a beautiful, brave, loving human. Your family is beyond blessed to have you. Sometimes the days are long and heavy. But you're still choosing to move forward and you're taking those steps and that's what's important. (imo.) Send me a line if you want/need, lovely. Anytime. (I'm shit at keeping in touch, but I'm trying to be better.)

[hirondelle]

Wow @foxyour reply made me cry. Hold space is my favourite phrase (though it can be used too casually by people who aren't really holding space) and it is relatively new to me...  I first learned at the women's build I went on. But I realise now as I read your words  that is what I loved and missed about my  Northlands family.  When we are together we do truly hold space for each other. It's fucking rare. 

[fox]

4 minutes ago, hirondelle said:

Wow @foxyour reply made me cry. Hold space is my favourite phrase (though it can be used too casually by people who aren't really holding space) and it is relatively new to me...  I first learned at the women's build I went on. But I realise now as I read your words  that is what I loved and missed about my  Northlands family.  When we are together we do truly hold space for each other. It's fucking rare. 

It's my favourite "doula thing." In every doula hat I wear, holding (and protecting) space is arguably the most important aspect of the "job."

And yeah. NL is special. It always will be. This is, I think, why we all flock here so hard and so fast and with so much enthusiasm when it comes back. We don't always know we miss it until it's back and it's like a little piece of ourselves (sometimes our sanity) is restored. NL isn't an escape, it's a piece of home and home is goddamn rare.

Edited September 26, 2017 by fox

[Aliea]

*hugs @foxhard* I have missed youbso much and if I wasn't sat in my car waiting to tale my little boy to school I would be crying my eyes out. Thank you so much for your words, you have always been and will always be a great friend!

One of my main triggers this year has been loneliness. I have my family and work but I do not have friends, friends that I feel like I can turn to and open up to. But now my home is back, I have my friends back and as soon as @hirondelletold me this was back I jumped at the chance to finally come back when I have missed it so much more than in could ever put into words. 

So thank you my family, my true friends you all mean the world to me x x