Self Harm

[Aliea]

I understand completely @Tika it feels like that a lot for me, but I also have other triggers, like feeling I need to be punished, Or as I've said, It's a manifistation of the scares on my mind. It is an evil thing and getting help and talking about is the best way to help stop. I am on the beginning of my healing journey and I will gladly take anyone willing to join me along for the ride.

[Tika]

I'll be happy to join you, I'm not sure where I'm at on my own ride, somewhere in the middle maybe.  Some days I think I'm good, some days I fight to function on the inside.  Almost every day no one sees any of it.  ~hugs @Aliea~ but one thing I learned a long time ago about the people here is you're never alone  (even if I haven't reached out to any of them in a very long time)

[Aliea]

2 minutes ago, Tika said:

 but one thing I learned a long time ago about the people here is you're never alone  (even if I haven't reached out to any of them in a very long time)

This is so true. I have had such a hard time making friends in RL yet as soon as @hirondelletold me this place was back i felt like I belonged somewhere again and this is where my friends live

As for the constant battle, this is why mental health is so stigmatized, because it is an internal fight and only we see it. All we can do is try to talk about it, to get out as best we can what we are fighting.  It is exhausting in so many ways but we keep fighting and that is what counts.

We will work together hun and we will come out the other side changed but stronger for everything we have gone through x x

[Kethlia]

@Tika and @Aliea when you two need it I am sure that your NL friends will be here in a close knit circle to stand within and receive our unconditional all accepting love.

I will not promise that I won't nip either of you or whoever else needs the help but that's for my own therapy. See?

[Tika]

Today is a bad day that will only get worse as the day comes to an end and the kids go to bed and I'm by myself.  October has always been my favorite month, it's fall (my favorite season), it's my birthday at the end of the month, it's Halloween.  But it's tainted right now because this month it's been a year since he moved out.  The 6 months he originally promised to come home is long gone.  And I told myself and him I wouldn't put myself through this for more than a year...  And the thought of ending it kills me, but the thought of staying in this limbo hell kills me too... 

[Aliea]

@Tika you sound exactly like me when I just know what the day is going to be like and no amount of talking or distraction helps. However, I will give you an option to talk to someone who knows what it is like. I will PM u my details and you can either call me or facebook msg me or snap chat or just talk on here. Our circumstances may be different but from what I have read our reactions are the same and I feel it's good to talk to someone who completely gets it. Take care lovely and no pressure what so ever I am just opening that door for you x x

[Tika]

~hugs~ thank you 

I think part of it for me too with my situation right now is the lack of control I have over things right now.  But I can control causing myself pain.

I didn't do anything tonight.  I really wanted to go take a bath and shave my legs but I realised that probably wasn't a good idea.  I snapped at my kids for no real reason (although I apologised and tried to explain why to them) it still makes me feel like shit because I know my emotions make me a bitch sometimes.  I wound up just going to bed.  But now it's 2 am and I'm awake again.

[Aliea]

So guess what...

I got stressed at work, i thought...well It doesn't matter what i thought it could have been all in my head or not, either way it was a thought, a negative one and so....

I hate this

[Tika]

~hugs tight~  if it helps to vent please do, we're here to listen, to anything, anytime

[Aliea]

I want to bleed....dont know why...that's a lie. 

My scars are healing and starting to fade...

God I hate this part of me.

Fighting 

Always fighting

One day it will stop.

One day I will breath again.

One day I shall be who I want to be.

[Tika]

~gentle hugs~

[Aliea]

2 weeks.....wow I'm rather proud of myself 2 weeks and not one cut! 

[Aliea]

I broke my stride.

24 hours cut free.

[Aliea]

Damn that last post was so insignificant and it paved a way for so much more and much worse.

I now have so pretty hefty scars or at least they are to me.

Anyways, I stopped again, yay, started a whole new thing with butterflies and such (if u follow me in Instagram you will have seen ) it helps a lot.

But then two days ago I scratched myself...doesn't sound like much right? Well I think most scratches fade after a few hours, these took two days to fade. I have never done that before, it hurt more funnily enough, stung through put the day and it was a lot more noticeable than a simple cut. 

The trigger behind it was complicated. A rush of emotion, hate, guilt, self doubt, anger, confusion basically all the negatives over something that was not my doing but was made out to be. 

"I am not responsible for other ppls reactions."

This is something I struggle with, something I find hard to believe. But I know it's true and I try hard to build on it and remember it as much as possible when I feel like I have cause others to act the way they do.

Well I'm rambling but yeah. Back to day one, well now on day three of being free, let's see how long this one lasts.

[Timberwolf]

I like the butterflies @Aliea.  Yes, you are not responsible for other peoples reactions.  Whatever is going on with other people is their story and not yours.  

[Aliea]

Safe to say its been a very long time since Iast self harmed, I have no scars... Well no healing ones, got plenty of healed ones. But anyways, been in isolation for the last week and I've been pushed to a point were I left my job and all these are stress points, yet nothing, not a damn thing and I am so happy!!!!!! 

[hirondelle]

9 hours ago, Aliea said:

Safe to say its been a very long time since Iast self harmed, I have no scars... Well no healing ones, got plenty of healed ones. But anyways, been in isolation for the last week and I've been pushed to a point were I left my job and all these are stress points, yet nothing, not a damn thing and I am so happy!!!!!! 

Well done Aliea. I'm so proud of you.