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Well loss like that is hard to ever let it go. It stays with you, and I am sorry you have gone through this. In my experience it helps me to type it up even if no one reads it. I have an ongoing word file on my laptop just called “life”. It has pretty much all my memories good or bad. Which I keep adding to. Just my way of dealing with trauma and grief. Even if it’s just to listen or read your messages we are here, just a message away.

Nice glasses Dulcet! They really suit you! See you may not be quite as sexy as @Kethlia but you are still a hottie

@Moonhawkhelped me to realize that posting about something that will be with you for life to help myself work through it, is worth the time and dedicated effort when we can write it down. Spiraling inward into negativity isn't the answer.

@Timberwolfand @hirondelleand my NL Family. I do love you, each of you have a unique being that has been both welcoming and accepting. Posting this blog has helped. I may need to add additional posts as I go should the grief cycle the memories and refresh the pain. However, I've gained a sense of closure that I have come to find only happens when you keep sharing your pain in written form, verbal recitation or otherwise until the pain the subsides.

Oh Moonhawk I see that that you posted this in May but I only just noticed it (thanks Keth for drawing my attention here). I'm sorry that you are going through so much... Urgh why is life so difficult!? I sending love and hugs.

Oh Keth, what a difficult time you have had. How brave of you to bear it, how strong of you to share it. To answer your questions: 1. Is writing about my experience a healthy way to accept it? Only you can answer that, Be honest, is it? 2. Shall I continue to write more entries for this topic? Only if the answer to Q1 was 'yes'. Was it? I would love to say something wise, but in the face of so much suffering that would be rude to even try. All I can say is we are always here (or in FB messenger) if you need us. I love you my friend.

Awwww, @Kethlia I don't know what to say other than I am here to listen, read, chat, talk, whatever you need.

I'm always just a message a way when you need brother, @Moonhawk.

*Listens*

Also if you haven't already please watch this

Love you @Moonhawkand thank you for popping in and updating us

Thank you Guest Paul Taylor for your lovely comment! I hope you come back to read my comment on your comment and decide to become a full Northlands member. I am also from the UK (east midlands though which is only North to folk from Surrey) and my gran and then my mum called me Rattlepapana - thus the name of this blog.

Will you stop doing things you don't get points for?

I've noticed some things do not count as points. Can we get a more complete list of things that do and do not count as points?

This is why I blog. I blog for me. You had/have an amazing blog with Imagine the North.

This no one empathizes. It's hard letting go of past loves.

I never would have been able to move to where I am now if we had acted like you guys. I remember telling a friend of mine in February about the wuhan stuff and to avoid people from China. The very concept of it reaching our shores never entered our minds. If it did we were assured it would be isolated like the Ebola outbreaks were and the general public shouldn’t even worry. I have to say even if we handled it better, wearing a damn mask is still a political thing. Now the CDC has lifted the National mask mandate leaving everyone including businesses to interpret the guidelines for themselves. In Ohio for example there’s a million dollar lottery reward for getting a vaccine while in New York City you can get a free burger for getting vaccinated. Truth is there’s tons of vaccine here it’s just lots of people have jobs and work when the vaccines are offered. Or they flat out don’t trust the data as of yet on certain vaccines. Are there things like the CDC in Thailand and what are their recommendations regarding mask wearing?

Very interesting episode to hear the Covid timeline from your perspective. I remember a very different timeline on when we first had to wear masks was in mid March 2020. I remember because I couldn’t go shopping at Walmart without one. But I could go to my local gas station without one at first.

Well I made it to the trip, i did the 4 hour ride drugged up on xanax but i made it. I'm on day 3 and i was doing good until today the whole family decided to take a trip to a pier to go fishing. I had a panic attack and I couldnt go. So they went without me. The worse part is the thought of letting my family down. I have always been the one that got "my crap together" or I pretend I do and this whole ordeal makes me ashamed of even facing my family. This sucks and i know i cant rush it but fuck i hate letting people down specially my family.

Well more progress today. I stayed out for a total of 3 hours. I took the kids to jujitsu, took care of some shopping with the wife, came back picked up the kids, then when I came home went for a 4 mile walk. Now I am still doubtful of myself because all these things are close to my home and I guess what they call in all anxiety books as a safe zone. I am trying to push my limits every day. Saturday is the dreaded 4 hour drive trip with the family and I dont know yet if I will make it. Onwards and forwards it is.

I love you so much. I don't regret anything we have done. I think we can do more now going forward if that's what we want to do. Reading together, traveling together, spending time together. I love you!

~hugs @hirondelle & @Timberwolf~ That's just what it took to make it to adulthood... I try not to live with regrets although I fully realise my childhood screwed up parts of me. But it also made me who I am. And on my good days I really like who I am, and on the other days I'm glad I'm strong if nothing else. I had a therapist try to do hypnotic regression therapy with me once to help my ptsd but I couldn't do it more than once.

I like that this has that tip of the iceberg feel to it, like you just know there's so much more out there

My mum did that to a large extent, but what she couldn't see and what everyone around her could see is that is was a kind of unwanted martyrdom. Yes, my dad took advantage of it as men of that generation were inclined to do, negligently rather than maliciously... but I think he would have preferred the slightly more selfish version of her. Their marriage would have been more fulfilling for both of them if she hadn't made it so easy for him to take her for granted. I know every story is different but I guess you have to balance what you want to do for your children and how you want to empower them. You have to model independence as well as be there for them. I know you know this. Glad to hear you found a way to find yourself again @Squarepeg also enjoy the photographs that come from your solitary walks and coffees.

I had that same problem, @Tika. Giving myself away to the point i almost lost myself completely. The doc told me I needed to be selfish! The thing is, it worked. I took time for myself every Saturday and Sunday morning, I went for a swim and a coffee and just took time for me. I still go for a coffee by myself or take a long walk along the canal if I feel I need to every now and then, it helps to ground myself and to realise I'm my own person, as well as a husband and father...and someone who uses the term "myself" an awful lot!

That is the best compliment ever! . And I think you're absolutely beautiful as you are. Thank you @Timberwolf I agree that curves on a woman are beautiful, I'm much more drawn to curvy women myself (I'm just harder on me lol. And thank you

I haven't tried that, I have problems getting my mind to be still, like, ever... I'll have to look into that

Good post. I have the hardest time loving myself / accepting myself too. I don't even have the baby making excuse for being a mess. Also - I like you in colour, but yes you do have an old-timey beauty. Although I think I see you as that voluptuous wild west hooker type (I don't mean that offensively it is one of my favourite looks, lmao). But yeah, silk lace ribbons and liquor would suit you fine.

Yeah, this was well outside my comfort zone for writing erotica. Probably a big part of why I took on the prompt to begin with. I mean, I love gentle femdom in general, but this would be unpleasant, to say the least.

Really well done, thanks for posting it.

Thank you it was fun to do and I can see how it could be a bit addictive if I can get past that awkward talking to myself thing lol. ~snuggles~ I love being properly friends now

OMG I loved that, loved listening to you!! I feel like we are properly friends now - how lovely.

Good start! Look forward to reading more!

I tried the other method - stayed on FB but started following some people espousing the opposite viewpoint to me, like Paul Joseph Watson, Steven Crowder and Milo Yiannopoulos (to name but 3). I noticed a few things. 1) They are intelligent charismatic guys and do a good job of presenting their bullshit opinions. 2) Watch / read them enough and their shit starts to sound more reasonable. 3) Moving from shit sounding reasonable to actually changing your whole perspective is possible - and not as much of a leap as you think. 4) Once you understand this you realise your opinion is meaningless and founded on whoever you allow to influence you. 5) There is no truth. 6) The people who follow them are all stupid though, just read those comments FFS. 7) As these guys are intelligent they probably know this and don't believe their own bullshit. They are just doing a job. Entertaining the bottom feeders, for money. 8) Engaging with this is therefore worse than meaningless. 9) Watching / reading nothing is better, none of it means anything, nihilism is real. 10) Much more free time and complete pass to not give a fuck about politics. At all. Ever again.

I know we haven't talked much, but I think NL would be emptier without you. So pour out the contents of your vessel and feel free to be the amazing "vessel" until you're ready to refill it with stuff that makes you happy instead of what makes others happy.

I like the name The Northlnads hahahahaha

Is it bad that my first thought was "I harassed you until you relented and starting dieting again!"

Oh my goodness your voice and your accent! I could listen to you read the phone book lol. I think I may have mentioned somewhere I have a thing for voices and yours is wonderful! I love the rambling too it really does present a whole other side of you from what comes across through text. ~sits and waits patiently for more~

Keep us posted on your linguistic journey. May the music of the world guide you through the tough times as well.

I will stay for as long as I am. I will not make a promise to my loved ones because I never want to break a promise to them. And you are loved! Yes you reading this now.

Dulcet is Beautiful in the Confidence that he shows and he progress he has made thus far. Way to go my friend.

stay here forever Keth, please

Well I come and I see all your comments thank you all. I will post update soon. I have been away and I will explain more soon

Thank you for sharing here Moonhawk. I love you and this is your home and safe place. I'm sorry that you are going through this.. If you would like a video call with me I am more than happy to make that happen. Regarding your child please reach out to Jamie... His daughter Fairlight is now his son Arthur. He will understand. If you would like me to reach out to him for you just let me know.

Love this... more of this please lol.

Oh @Tika. That is so hard! I wish you didn't have to go through all that. Nobody should have to go through that.

I can't say I have nights where I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, but I do have days where I ramble to myself. LOL. That's were I get some of my stories. And it's cool to be a geek!

All I can say is sometimes, want is more powerful than need. I need to go to work to pay my bills. I want to live in Thailand because I love it. I could live in the States where I would make more money, but I want to live in Thailand. Wanting is a choice. Need, there is no choice. Being able to choose is an incredible thing. Being chosen can be even more powerful. If I am chosen, I feel honored. That means I am special. Your friends choose to hang out with you, so they are saying that you are special, that’s why they chose you. Just my opinion though.

This is so cool @SoulDragon. I loved this story, and I'm looking forward to reading about this trip and many more! thank you for sharing.

:cuggle: Thanks for sharing and I am hoping and praying for your return to a normal pain free or as painless as possible life soon. I look forward to this journey that you take. You have made it this far because of your choice to fight against it. I tip my hat to you.