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Moonhawk

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  1. Moonhawk

    Broken Mind Part 3

    By Moonhawk,


    Broken mind
    So I said I would post more for context etc for what has been happening.
     
    So my daughter was admitted to a mental institution due to her attempting to take her life with pills and cutting herself. This situation when it happened I already had anxiety rearing back in because of problems at work but this pretty much broke me. To the point that my agoraphobia came back with new levels of anxiety.  I spent 30 days at home watching over her and working from home and I would have stayed longer but my partners gave me an ultimatum pretty much, their way of trying to get me out of my loop. I am currently going to the office and back but that’s pretty much it. Weekends and morning are the worst for me because I’m not as busy and the fear of an attack freezes me.
     
    my daughter has been going to therapy and psychiatrists and I am happy that she’s home, but I am always on edge expecting the worse to happen. Yesterday my wife found a shirt with blood stains and we found out she cut herself again, due to an argument she got into with her mom. I was working outside when Jessica brought me the shirt and I rushed in to her room, angry and crying. I told her why would she do this again and so on and she let us have it. Saying that it’s our fault, that we make her anxious, she brought up times she was spanked when she was younger, all sorts of hurtful things, she broke my heart to a million pieces. We spoke for some time after that and had a good heart to heart. I told her she needs to speak up when she’s anxious instead of hurting herself, and we promised not to scream at her anymore. She promised to be good. Well today I didn’t send her to school and she stayed home with me watching movies while I worked. She’s much nicer today and happy  but I’m still on edge. My agoraphobia is in full swing.
     
    Went to the grocery store, one of my safe places I go to push myself, and I had anxiety the entire time there. Agoraphobia hits me every time anyone suggests going anywhere new. Like for example the veterinarian, I have to take my dog to, I can’t make myself not get anxious about it. It’s driving me insane.
     
    I have a therapist I am seeing weekly and I have meds for emergencies, I refuse to be on permanent benzos. I am on daily antidepressant because I gave in on that one but overall I hate pills. 
     
    Recently I  got some good cbd oils and been trying those but now I am grasping at straws trying to get my head on straight. Every time I get just a little better another pile of shit situation falls on us. It has been non stop since we moved to the new house and I don’t know how much longer I can take this.
     
    I keep pushing everyday but I’m just so tired of fighting. The list of things that has happened in the last 4 months or so is very very long. Just know there has yet to be a full week of peace. 
     
    My brain is in turmoil 24/7 and I am honestly exhausted. I keep pushing because my family needs me but good lord I need a break.
     
    Yes thoughts on this posts are all over the place but so is my current broken mind
  2. Moonhawk

    Broken Mind Part 2

    By Moonhawk,


    Broken mind
    This is the one place I can express myself freely without prying eyes or loaded questions. 

    1st cause for agoraphobia/iba/panic attack to happen 
     
    got into a screaming fight with one of my partners and he made sure to beat the shit out of my mind that day due to insecurities on his part and made me feel really small. This triggered an panic attack and anxiety made it back into my life hardcore. So hard that I went on a Xanax bend, so bad I had to quit taking it and like the animal I am after talking to my therapist and her telling me to stop taking it so often. I quit it cold turkey. Huge Nono when it comes to anxiety medicine(as most mental health medicines). This made it all the worse. I made peace with him and even though I did anxiety was still looming and it would hit me often. Like if I had lost the mental war against it. I have personified it as the scariest thing that is always looming above me, hunting me, getting ready to destroy me again.
     
    So I am back to therapy weekly but no meds.
     
    Situation 2
    Last week on Monday my wife took the kids to their new pediatrician and I was at work(I have been able to drive to work even through anxiety and all) My wife called me and said it was an emergency. My daughter told the doctor that she tried to commit suicide by taking pills in December. She was also cutting herself under her arms on her rib cage, under her bra where we can’t see. So in Florida they have this wonderful law called baker act. My wife had to take her to a mental hospital or we would be arrested. When I tell you that I have been in a living nightmare for the last 2 weeks doesn’t describe it good enough. I rushed to the doctors office and picked up my son drove him with my wife in her car. We had a short conversation with her to explain to her what was coming next and what to expect and that we love her I hugged her and my wife took her. My agoraphobia/ depression/ panic attacks were uncontrollable it I put on a brave face so my son wouldn’t be able to see me like this. I haven’t been able to leave my couch most days the crying the panic the everything has not stopped. 
     
    we had to go to the hospital a few times and I couldn’t make myself go. My wife the saint she is went every time. They finally released her Friday and still I couldn’t leave the house. She told me that I have to go that I am stronger than this, this broke me, literally felt my mind crack. I cried like an child who’s afraid of the monster in the closet or something. She went without me but took my mother in law with her.
     
    She came home and I feel better but not best. I have been able to go to the office but been going to grocery store around the corner and a few places. However I get episodes of straight crying, panic sometimes, anxiety, etc. I still haven’t been able to go back to the office.
     
    when I am more cleared headed I will type more. I just had to let some of it out.
     
    reasons from the conversations I read on her phone and the psychiatrist 
     
    the pills 
    broke up with her girlfriend(this girlfriend has been her best friend since 1st grade) she left her for one of their mutual male friends
     
    the cutting
     
    gender disphoria
    she identifies as a boy that is girly or a boy that wants to be a girl which makes no fucking sense to me but I accept her/he for what she is. She wants to be called he and change her name to Lee. 
     
    anyways will post more later
     
     
     
  3. Moonhawk

    Update because where else

    By Moonhawk,


    Update from the Hawk’s Nest
    Dusts off the cobwebs off the old brain to post in a forum again….
     
    it’s been ages and ages since I posted here so some updates 
     
    Well the big topic last time in hawks world was my anxiety/agoraphobia which triggered my IBS and it fed off of each other. Nightmare times. Well I would love to say that is over but it will always be a part of me. I have learned to control it on most days but it rears its head back up from time to time.
     
    Now after a long hiatus from working at a location I am finally back to working full time. I rekindled my friendship with my old partners and now driving 1 hour+ each way to work with rarely ever an episode. I took on a new role with them as director of operations for our “new” small business funding division. Well part of me going back to work with them was a raise and a car allowance so I bought me a blue machine. Audi A5 S Line in grabber blue color will attach pictures.
     
    Going back to work has helped my conditions a lot. They might have improved for many reasons, maybe  it’s the staying busy, maybe being surrounded by people, the energy of being in a boiler room type of situation, or just the friendships I have created and also the ones rekindled.
     
    Now the drive has been a killer now for 6 months since I have been back, 1+ hour each way, so the wife and I decided to move. I barely see the family now because of the hours and the drive so We are currently selling our house on a very high and profitable market and purchasing a home closer to the office. Many perks come with the buy but also a hefty price tag the way the real estate market is now in Florida. The stress of the move and the sale of the house and the purchase of the other has triggered anxiety many times now but I knew this was going to happen; though I wish it didn’t. Moving is a great thing for everyone and in the new house we will have a huge yard with a lake in the back and a pool. Fruit trees and plenty of yard for the dog to finally play around. See pictures below. Well for those that don’t see me around on social media or on the zoom calls. I just don’t have time because of how hectic life is but soon I will be back full swing once we move.
     
     





  4. Moonhawk

    Broken mind

    By Moonhawk,

    I created this a while ago pending blog entry and life got in the way I have pretty much stayed away because of being so busy, to the point I barely see my relatives. Perks of building a business.
    Well for the past 2 and half years i have been building a credit repair business with 2 partners and we currently employee about 40 people in a call center in the Philippines and 10 people here in the US. So it's going good, not profitable enough yet to make good money but it keeps growing. 
    Anyways to the point of the post. For the past 10 years I have suffered from general anxiety, social anxiety and IBS. They all feed off of each other and its epic fail when the perfect storm of chaos. For quite some time I have been able to control it somewhat and have been able to be "social" and "functional". However for the past 6 months my condition has worsen to the point that I cant make it down the street without having an bad panic attack. Now I am stuck at home working from home and attending to the kids during the summer. I had a similar breakdown about 4 years back and it took some time to get out and back to "normal". Well my phobia is social and at the same time in my own head. IBS is the trigger and anxiety triggers the IBS so it becomes a thought storm of where is the closest bathroom or will I make it there. 
    A few weeks ago I ended in the hospital because I had a bad panic attack and my BP got so high I got scared and went. The panic attack was caused because my doctor prescribed an anti depressant and I did the biggest mistake you can make when taking a new medicine, I googled. The side effects were swirling in my brain until I had a breakdown and went to the hospital. At the hospital the did all sorts of test, then we got to the cat scan when it peaked I was trembling uncontrollably on the CAT scan bed with no explanation just irrational thoughts swirling.
    I quit the medicine that same day before going to the hospital and the doctors all state it was a huge mistake. Well I haven't been good. I have been locked at home depressed and working still perks of being a business owner. The kids have kept me happy but this really sucks. Finally last week I decided to get help and got a therapist who will treat me over the phone for now until I am well enough to go to her office.
     
    My wife has been an angel and has supported me and has managed the office for me while I have been out and done pretty much all the public things like shopping and such.
    On the 4th of July for my daughters birthday she wanted to go to my dads house so they could play in the pool. So I went, it was a nightmare of a drive there and back. The day was enjoyable but I havent felt that bad in a while.
    Well my thoughts are scrambled and racing 24/7. I cant write a like I used to, or concentrate on anything. No games, books, TV shows etc. Its like days goes by in a fog and I am just rolling through them.
     
    My 1st therapy was yesterday and she gave me some excercises to do, walk my dog for 10 to 15 minutes, exercise daily, meditation, and start me back on the pills (Viibryd). I have done all except the pills that will happen tomorrow.
    I am hopeful she can help me fix this. I have a already planned and paid for vacation on the 27th of this month. This trip is a 4 and half hour drive which makes my anxiety spike every time I even think about it. 
     
    Well this is where it gets worse. Watching TV and a scene comes on of someone in an airplane, or in a concert crowded with people, or anywhere public my anxiety spikes like if I was the character at the fucking place and I wouldn't find a bathroom or something bad will happen. Anxiety spikes and panic attacks are the name of the game every day. I started taking CBD oil and it helps sometimes but I cant yet leave the house.
    In the end this is my rant, I needed a place to vent and I know I have been away for so long and I appreciate you guys keeping this place open. I hope I can get my head straight so I can write a better more coherent post. 
     

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