Moonhawk

Well loss like that is hard to ever let it go. It stays with you, and I am sorry you have gone through this. 
 

In my experience it helps me to type it up even if no one reads it. I have an ongoing word file on my laptop just called “life”. It has pretty much all my memories good or bad. Which I keep adding to. Just my way of dealing with trauma and grief. Even if it’s just to listen or read your messages we are here, just a message away. 

Well I come and I see all your comments thank you all. I will post update soon. I have been away and I will explain more soon

Sliding glass doors stuck, I pulled hard it got unstuck and it crushed my finger

It's been a while and I promised myself I would post. Today I cant sleep so here I am posting. 

I would like to say I am much better yet not at 100%. I can go to most places I used to and some new ones. Still crowded places and long trips give me anxiety. My therapist says I have been her best client and that it is crazy the way I approach things, let's say i jump in head first most times. 

As i was getting better I had an accident which basically almost amputated the tip of my ring finger. I had to go to the hospital and later on get surgery. That entire week was the most anxious since the trip. However I have kept up with my excersises(long walks), prayer, and meditation which all have helped tremedously. Now I have a huge trip that I need to do, it is a 30 hour flight to the Phillipines where I have our call center and I feel like all progress I have made is for nothing because I cant make myself even purchase the plane tickets let alone look at the hotels. Therapist says I have all the tools just lack the confidence in myself. She as well as my wife are 100% confident that I can do this yet I am afraid to even take step one. Trying to work things out with my battle inside my head, let's see where this road takes me.

Well I made it to the trip, i did the 4 hour ride drugged up on xanax but i made it. I'm on day 3 and i was doing good until today the whole family decided to take a trip to a pier to go fishing. I had a panic attack and I couldnt go. So they went without me. The worse part is the thought of letting my family down. I have always been the one that got "my crap together" or I pretend I do and this whole ordeal makes me ashamed of even facing my family. This sucks and i know i cant rush it but fuck i hate letting people down specially my family.

Well more progress today. I stayed out for a total of 3 hours. I took the kids to jujitsu, took care of some shopping with the wife, came back picked up the kids, then when I came home went for a 4 mile walk. Now I am still doubtful of myself because all these things are close to my home and I guess what they call in all anxiety books as a safe zone. I am trying to push my limits every day. Saturday is the dreaded 4 hour drive trip with the family and I dont know yet if I will make it. Onwards and forwards it is.

Well today started as an amazing day. I went for a 30 minute walk and then decided to jump on the car a drive and I drove for about 50 minutes around my town close to the house but still was able to drive around. I even stopped at Walgreens and shopped for some things for about 10 to 15 minutes. I was on a happy high all day. I am coming down now and the anxious thoughts come in and out but I think I can conquer this

The pass to days have been rough and I had a complete meltdown because it is starting to affect my marriage. My wife is very frustrated, so we had a talk and we cried like crazy and we held each other. Today we spent the day watching TV together. I know this will pass too someday but I need it to happen already. I even started praying again something I dont do, never been the religious type but at this point I am desperate and I am willing to try anything.

Thank you for your reply

This is amazing brother very impressive. 

It’s still there

That was on purpose can’t make it easy on you 

I like the name The Northlnads hahahahaha