Recently on Twitter someone wrote about the storm before the calm. No I haven't gotten that the wrong way round. I know most people know it the other way around, however for me and maybe fire a lot of other selfharmers it makes a lot of sense.
The storm that rages with in me before I reach that moment is a powerful one. It is a mix of depression with a huge amount of anxiety, the kind of anxiety that makes your tummy tie in knots, that causing your chest to feel like it is crushing the air out of you, that makes your limbs feel like jelly but also like they could be pulled from you at any moment. It is the type of anxiety that makes your skin crawl, that causing your heart to beat hard and faster and yet it feels like it stops all at the same time.
Basically think about the most chotic storm you can think of and put that inside you, all that energy all the destructiveness just building up and up with you until you can not take it anymore!
This is me right now, at the very moment of me writing this. This is my life, the storm that rages until I can not take it anymore and then that blade, oh that beautiful sharp shiny blade has found it's way into my hand and then into my skin and finally it tracks a line down my arm, the shine followed by red, red so bright and beautiful that I have to do it again and again and again until finally the red runs free and the storm had eased.
It is bliss, it is a smile on my lips, it is calm and my god it feels so good for it to be over, for the ranging to ease and in that moment I am free.
There is a catch however. That storm that has turned into a tiny rain cloud is still there and that cloud can grow on e again as every negative thought passes through my mind, and pretty soon it is ranging once again and the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
And behind this Storm, sits my demon, a smile on its face as it watches it rage and then laughs as the red rivers flow as the storm eases.
Days are funny things.
They change constantly, no two are the same and even if you try to replicate a day it always ends up being just a cheap knockoff!
Today is a day of darkness and badness, today will tick through the hours, the sun will rise and fall and it will eventually come to an end. Bit for me, today is a battle feild, today I fight a battle in a war that I fight every day, it is just that this battle is a big one, this one is goinf to leave scars if I am not careful, today blood could be drawn and I really don't want that.
I'm tired, I'm exhausted and god it will be so good to give in, to stop the storm, the battle raging on, to just let the blade hit and end it, not forever but at least for now.
But instead I'm fighting, my own sword drawn, fighting against the demons with their razor sharp claws.
Let's just hope I last till sleep comes and the day ends.
After all tomorrow is another day.
(Random thoughts, no consistency, hope it makes some sort of sense)
I am tired, i am stressed and being pushed to my limit. I have to hold together a family where I am the only none autistic member and it is becoming a huge struggle.
I love my family, my wife, my son even the pets that just simply drive me nuts!
But I am losing me, losing the me that can be fun that can be patiant that can enjoy her family. That is why I have this place I guess, the place I can be comfortable the place I can be me and have no worries.
Here I can be the fun mischievous, here I can play a role, become a goddess. And now because of the 18+ area I can explore my sexul side, a side that gets very much hidden away.
Being a mother is hard, it feels unrewarding at time and it is a job you can not walk away from because no matter the stress and strain god do I love it.
Yes being a mother is hard.
