So I said I would post more for context etc for what has been happening.
 
So my daughter was admitted to a mental institution due to her attempting to take her life with pills and cutting herself. This situation when it happened I already had anxiety rearing back in because of problems at work but this pretty much broke me. To the point that my agoraphobia came back with new levels of anxiety.  I spent 30 days at home watching over her and working from home and I would have stayed longer but my partners gave me an ultimatum pretty much, their way of trying to get me out of my loop. I am currently going to the office and back but that’s pretty much it. Weekends and morning are the worst for me because I’m not as busy and the fear of an attack freezes me.
 
my daughter has been going to therapy and psychiatrists and I am happy that she’s home, but I am always on edge expecting the worse to happen. Yesterday my wife found a shirt with blood stains and we found out she cut herself again, due to an argument she got into with her mom. I was working outside when Jessica brought me the shirt and I rushed in to her room, angry and crying. I told her why would she do this again and so on and she let us have it. Saying that it’s our fault, that we make her anxious, she brought up times she was spanked when she was younger, all sorts of hurtful things, she broke my heart to a million pieces. We spoke for some time after that and had a good heart to heart. I told her she needs to speak up when she’s anxious instead of hurting herself, and we promised not to scream at her anymore. She promised to be good. Well today I didn’t send her to school and she stayed home with me watching movies while I worked. She’s much nicer today and happy  but I’m still on edge. My agoraphobia is in full swing.
 
Went to the grocery store, one of my safe places I go to push myself, and I had anxiety the entire time there. Agoraphobia hits me every time anyone suggests going anywhere new. Like for example the veterinarian, I have to take my dog to, I can’t make myself not get anxious about it. It’s driving me insane.
 
I have a therapist I am seeing weekly and I have meds for emergencies, I refuse to be on permanent benzos. I am on daily antidepressant because I gave in on that one but overall I hate pills. 
 
Recently I  got some good cbd oils and been trying those but now I am grasping at straws trying to get my head on straight. Every time I get just a little better another pile of shit situation falls on us. It has been non stop since we moved to the new house and I don’t know how much longer I can take this.
 
I keep pushing everyday but I’m just so tired of fighting. The list of things that has happened in the last 4 months or so is very very long. Just know there has yet to be a full week of peace. 
 
My brain is in turmoil 24/7 and I am honestly exhausted. I keep pushing because my family needs me but good lord I need a break.
 
Yes thoughts on this posts are all over the place but so is my current broken mind

Over the past 16 weeks I have been going through a lot of health struggles both mentally and physically. My diabetes was beginning to show signs I might need to actually take care of myself, and I was approaching what is called full blown mania. This was not a good thing for my health. Despite my strong history of working for mental health advocacy, I neglected to take care of myself or have what is called self-care.
               From Christmas Eve until Martin Luther King Day, I was hospitalized in two different psychiatric units. This was not strange to me and should not be to anyone seriously following my story after 20 years. However, this time was challenging as opposed to relaxing. They were units I was unfamiliar with, outside of my usual comfortable check-ins to DuPage County psychiatric units.
               Through this experience I learned I need to focus on my health first before I focus on my career. When I finally got home, I received my diploma in the mail stating I had completed my master’s degree in Geographic Information Systems at Elmhurst University on December 16, 2023. That document is now my most prized possession I own, and I will cherish it.
               Moving forward, I want to pursue grant writing, as that was the part I had loved helping out with during my employment last year working for a nonprofit. There is a cheap online class I wish to take online to help me pursue that goal in adding grant writing to my tool belt.
 
https://www.gofundme.com/f/brians-grant-writing-class-fund
 
Stay tuned for future updates!

This is the one place I can express myself freely without prying eyes or loaded questions. 

1st cause for agoraphobia/iba/panic attack to happen 
 
got into a screaming fight with one of my partners and he made sure to beat the shit out of my mind that day due to insecurities on his part and made me feel really small. This triggered an panic attack and anxiety made it back into my life hardcore. So hard that I went on a Xanax bend, so bad I had to quit taking it and like the animal I am after talking to my therapist and her telling me to stop taking it so often. I quit it cold turkey. Huge Nono when it comes to anxiety medicine(as most mental health medicines). This made it all the worse. I made peace with him and even though I did anxiety was still looming and it would hit me often. Like if I had lost the mental war against it. I have personified it as the scariest thing that is always looming above me, hunting me, getting ready to destroy me again.
 
So I am back to therapy weekly but no meds.
 
Situation 2
Last week on Monday my wife took the kids to their new pediatrician and I was at work(I have been able to drive to work even through anxiety and all) My wife called me and said it was an emergency. My daughter told the doctor that she tried to commit suicide by taking pills in December. She was also cutting herself under her arms on her rib cage, under her bra where we can’t see. So in Florida they have this wonderful law called baker act. My wife had to take her to a mental hospital or we would be arrested. When I tell you that I have been in a living nightmare for the last 2 weeks doesn’t describe it good enough. I rushed to the doctors office and picked up my son drove him with my wife in her car. We had a short conversation with her to explain to her what was coming next and what to expect and that we love her I hugged her and my wife took her. My agoraphobia/ depression/ panic attacks were uncontrollable it I put on a brave face so my son wouldn’t be able to see me like this. I haven’t been able to leave my couch most days the crying the panic the everything has not stopped. 
 
we had to go to the hospital a few times and I couldn’t make myself go. My wife the saint she is went every time. They finally released her Friday and still I couldn’t leave the house. She told me that I have to go that I am stronger than this, this broke me, literally felt my mind crack. I cried like an child who’s afraid of the monster in the closet or something. She went without me but took my mother in law with her.
 
She came home and I feel better but not best. I have been able to go to the office but been going to grocery store around the corner and a few places. However I get episodes of straight crying, panic sometimes, anxiety, etc. I still haven’t been able to go back to the office.
 
when I am more cleared headed I will type more. I just had to let some of it out.
 
reasons from the conversations I read on her phone and the psychiatrist 
 
the pills 
broke up with her girlfriend(this girlfriend has been her best friend since 1st grade) she left her for one of their mutual male friends
 
the cutting
 
gender disphoria
she identifies as a boy that is girly or a boy that wants to be a girl which makes no fucking sense to me but I accept her/he for what she is. She wants to be called he and change her name to Lee. 
 
anyways will post more later
 
 
 

Part 2
 
As the sound of the truck disappeared in the distance, Mindy collapses to the ground in tears.  “What are we going to do, Sean?  What the hell are we going to do?”
 
Sean reaches down and picks up the bags and brings them over to sit down and sit next to Mindy.  “First thing we need to do is check what supplies we have.  He said there was enough food for two days for the two of us, a knife and a revolver with five rounds in it as well as a tent.  Let’s check”, Sean said as he started emptying one of the bags.
 
Mindy nods to Sean and picks up one of the other bags and starts to remove the contents from it, and Sean grabs the third bag and empties out with rest of the supplies.  “OK, what do we have”, Sean said as he picked up the notebook and the pencil.  He opened the notebook and on the first page was a small note from Micah.
 
As I said to you, you have enough food for two days for two people, and a tent.  You will also find a blanket.  Don’t lose it.  It gets cold out here at night.  Use this notebook to keep track of things like how much food you’ve eaten, landmarks, and anything else you feel is important.  
 
Good Luck!
Micah
 
Sean handed the notebook to Mindy, “Here, you can write down our inventory while I set up the tent and start a fire?”
 
“Start a fire?” asked Mindy hysterically.  “Why would you do that?  They will be able to see us….”
 
Sean grabbed Mindy and forced her to look at him.  “Stop!  I need to start a fire so we can stay warm.  We are fine for tonight.  He said they won’t come after us until noon tomorrow.  Now organize our supplies and make a note of everything we have while I start the fire and set up the tent.”  With that, Sean went back to starting the fire.  Once the fire was started, he and Mindy set up the tent for the night.
 
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
A few hours before dawn, Sean’s watch alarm went off.  He quickly got up, got some water and a little bit of breakfast for the both of them ready and then woke up Mindy.  While they ate, Seans said “We need to get moving as soon as possible.  The more distance we can cover before the sun rises, the harder it will be for the hunters to find us.”  The mention of the hunters brought Mindy around quickly and they finished their small breakfast, packed the last of their supplies, and headed north.
 
After walking for a few hours, Sean turned them northwest.  “Why are we turning?” Mindy asked, looking back the way they came.
 
“I don’t want to make it easy for them.  I think they will expect us to go one of the four main directions, so I started off going one way, and then changed, and I will change again in a few hours,” Sean said looking over his shoulder at Mindy.
 
“But won’t that take us longer to get to the boundary?  Won’t we run out of food?” Mindy asked on the edge of hysterics again.  
 
Sean stopped and took ahold of Mindy’s shoulders.  If we walk in a straight line, it will make easier for them to find us.  If we change directions every few hours or so, but keep heading towards a boundary, it will be better for us.  Yes, we only have two days worth of supplies, but we have a knife,” Sean said patting his left hip, “and I have this revolver,” patting his right hip.  “I also know how to hunt and set traps.  We will be fine if we start moving before dawn and stop after the sun sets.  We can do this.”
 
Mindy took a deep breath, visibly pulling herself together.  “Ok.  You’re right.  We can make it.”

*The image above is the cover to a story that I'm working to share and work through this second round of grief.  *
 
I sit here, holding my proverbial pen over digital paper and wonder what I could possibly write about my life these past few years that I've been absent from my online life.  Am I hoping for a retrospective confirmation that I'm still on a path of healing and away from self-imposed negativity?  It started during 2017 with a separation from my partner after marriage.  I understand why it was needed, but I still tried to be reasonable and give the family I stayed with a helping hand.  It led me down a dark and lonely road where I thought about using the loss of my life to hurt another.  I realized before carrying through with such a thought that I didn't want to throw this away to cause pain.  The person wouldn't have cared in that moment in time.  I can't speak for them, but I know now that it would've hurt far deeper that I imagined and different kind of family feud would've been causes by my death.  I sat up that night, chosen for the fact that it was person's birthday and said, No.  I chose instead to live and walk away from that negativity, and the people I believed were responsible for it.  I still wonder if it was my fault that I couldn't get through to them. 
 
2018-2019 Jobs come and go, I learned that I'm definitely a support type of work personnel and though I tried for a management position it wasn't for me.   I changed jobs and started to become productive at work.  Then I was diagnosed with bilateral plantar faucitis that became so bad the doctor was recommending either an injection or surgery.  Stretching would only alleviate the pain for that night.  It would trigger after four to five hours of being on my feet no matter what I was up and about doing.  It eased up after self-imposed bedrest.
 
2020 Covid appeared and ramped up.  During this time, I started to notice signs that lead to us to discovering that my hubby and I were pregnant.  I'll be honest here, I still had suppressed anger at those I walked away from during this time.  I don't know if this affect my pregnancy and what happened next.  I changed diet and drink and a few lifestyle traits mostly trying to be easier on my body.  Then June came around with its excess heat and peak work hours.  I pushed myself not wanting to be thought of weak or slacking off.  Yet, still trying to enjoy and experience my first pregnancy fully.  By July I started to notice that I couldn't keep water in my body, I would drink and 15 minutes later I had to pee.  I felt like a constant waterfall.  Even reaching out to work and medical sources got me laughed at and told it's normal.  Only, to find out at 18 weeks pregnant that we were losing him, the offered abortion.  I said, no.  Better to return home and hope for the best, even with a chief specialist telling me my son had a one percent chance to live.  Premature rupture of the membranes was the cause of the loss of my son.  I held him within me until I knew he was gone.  Still born, my precious, beautiful son.  I took pictures of use holding his still, cold form.  I only held him from when he was born to around noon, before we had to let him go.  We weren't being forced; we just knew that if we kept him, we hurt ourselves more.  Covid was made me wonder if the medical community was to paranoid to help my son and I fully.  I want to believe that I got what information and help that I could to try to save my son before losing him.  I still lay awake wondering if there was more that I could do.  Then the life continued onward, I was still trying to make something of life after such an event.  With family and friends offering what support they could.  I also lost out on the chance to take over my brother's home by buying it that same week that I lost my son.  It seems small compared, but it stacked onto what I had already gone through and made both feel like utter failures on my part.
 
In March 2021 lost my job as I was unable to stay committed to a schedule while continuing to work.  I should've switched internally to something more flexible workwise, taking advantage of not having to go back to work right away.  I didn't want to be less than an able working woman.  My view and self-worth still need some work to do like the Serenity Prayer says.  It was also then that I found out my mind and emotions had been in a numb since my son's loss.  I realized with acute clarity that my treasured mind had been broken by the trauma.  I wasn't sure anymore that I could be strong, independent and
able to work a regular job that smiled through the hardships, annoyances and etc.  I stayed home bound to heal my body, but I know now that I ignored my mental and emotional state.   I did have a kids within my family to help raise and focus on.  Especially, one born the same year as my first born son.  I really attached to him and stole him whenever I could.  Though I wouldn't keep him from his parents, I did notice as they did that I was using their little one to heal.
 
Now it's 2022 and I was still fighting anxiety about the workplace, grief and being able to get where I needed to go even with family still offering help.  No one pushed, they each tried to understand in the their own way and still patiently encourage me to move forward with my life.  My husband and I moved about and discovered new places with other members of our family.  We started over again in a new state, city and home.  A new pregnancy a second surprise and another baby boy.  Nerves and fears as each milestone week passed.  Extra medical and personal precautions that eased a little of my nerves and fears.  Consistent contact with the women in my family to update them on my day to day.  Cooking like crazy, hopeful for a second chance.  20 weeks pregnant past, trying to keep up with the water regiment, light exercise and healthy meals while still indulging the cravings.  21 weeks, nothing out of the normal, healthy baby boy.  22 a booger like, but nothing that was out of the normal.  Then the following week, my body felt hyper alert, irritated and heavy.  We left for the hospital and déjà vu hit us, seeing too much of a parallel to when we lost our first.  Scared, but trying to keep the hope.  My body had been experiencing real contractions that just felt like a heaviness to me.  I am told that I have priority over saving my son.  Some sort of infection was running through me.  The wouldn't be able to save us both but I opt for just that.  Keep my pregnancy and they in turn keep watch over both us.  My second son is delivered, but his chance of survival depends on if he can make it past three days.  He reaches the second before signs of failure.  Another decision, another failure.  Why?  I don't know if it's right to say that the second time was easier yet still hard to bear. 
 
But, I know that sitting here having typed out all of this, speaking about my boys and what I went through still brings me to tears, tears that I fight back, suppressed breaths and muted feelings.  I know I'm not ready to go back to the workplace, to be out among other people, but I try to live a life.  I am still sure that I need more time to heal, grieve and just be.  I'm just losing patience with myself, I want to do something worthwhile, working, supporting, living and yet still able to step back and feel through what I need too.  I don't want professional help, medicine, drugs, therapist won't change the two very permanent losses, empty spots in my life, at least not to me.  However, I don't want to be stuck moving forward on the outside and standing still within.  So, here I am returned to my sanctuary, returned to another part of my family and wandering the hallowed halls with a different, much needed company.
 
I do not mind your honest responses, silence, lurks, or shenanigans.  Just know I may be quiet for a different reason that's laid out here.
 
*Leaves a blood red rose that still pulses with life for each and every one of you.  Kissing each one in turn as I lay them around this written piece of mine. *