School troubles/Depression

[Dulcet]

Earlier this year I was suspended from my master's program because I could not keep up with the class I was in and ended up not finishing a class which I'm paying out of pocket in order for the chance to return in January. I am on suspension for 6 months plus 2 more because it was in the middle of the term. Does that make sense?

My point is I've been doing jack shit since then and it's been driving me up the wall. Last weekend there was a family picnic and of course I got asked what I was up to. The truth I just typed out. I told them I was on a break from school. Which is true. The thing is I'm not certain if I could go back.

Just get a job, right? I have no car and public transportation is shitty out here where I am at. I have a freaking IT degree and all the job offers I get are in places that require a vehicle to get to. It sucks. I've been out of work for a few years now and to be truthful I don't even know if I can handle a full time job. (For those that don't know, I'm on disability so that's where I get my income.)

I've fallen into a sort of depression. I'm fine, but motivation to do stuff, anything productive has gone to shit. I am just now firing up my laptop which has not been used since April. With what I have done, and how hard I worked to get where I am, it feels frustrating being in the position I am in. Who gets suspended from grad school? Wasn't that high school stuff? That's why I feel so alone in this. It's really weird. All I've been doing the past few months is watching streamers on Twitch and playing video games, which I know is not the most attractive thing to tell people. If I had a car things would be a lot easier, but I'm on a fixed income and my budgeting skills are sub par. I do fine on my own, but I really need something to spark up my life again. That's why I figure I would come here for some sort of support. I missed you guys, dearly.

In November I can do my appeal and see if I can go back to the school and try something new. I was thinking of Health Informatics? I'm not sure. I'm really undecided what my next step should be. I've never felt this way. Hopefully this post can be a progressive step forward and will motivate me to find something productive to do. 

[hirondelle]

I am so sorry you are going through this @Dulcet but grateful you came here to vent.    I know you have explained how you are in a slough of despond (literary phrase for it  ) but I am going to tell you (speaking from experience) that you have to DO sthg and you have to start REALLY small. Don't wait for sthg to change. It won't, it really won't.  Get up an 40 mins earlier than you have been getting up and go for a 30 min walk, sthg fast enough to lift your heart rate.  Then come home and sit and meditate for 10 minutes.  Just do that.  Every morning, no days off.  Then when that becomes comfortable make the walk a bit longer, and the same for the meditation.  Make steps like that, with faith that while you dont know where it is leading it IS leading somewhere.

 

People get paralysed because they look at an end goal and it seems impossible - that is because here to THERE is impossible without all the tiny steps in between.  It is the tiny steps that are your concern right now, look at them.  You have no idea what the end goal is - it is a suprise, waiting for you.  Just take the tiny steps.

 

And come back and tell us about them.

[Moonhawk]

What the goddess said works for me and I understand what you are going through. I can recomend checking out upwork.com it is short term contracts for it people like yourself but it will keep you busy, paid and no need for a vehicle. Just a suggestion. Try to stay strong