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So, I've been talking about how I need to lose weight. And I even talked about how I need to lose weight in the My fat ass thread here at NL. I figured this would be a good way to keep track of my weight loss. So, one of the things I decided I was going to do a few things. Drink less beer. When there is a game, football or hockey, on TV, I drink two to three beers. I decided, that no matter what is going on, I'm going to only drink one beer a day at the most. Drink less pop. I don't generally drink a lot of pop any more. I used to drink a lot of it, but I'm going to keep it down. One of the things I'm going to do is, on the days, game days, instead of drinking two or three beers, I will drink one pop. I'm also going to start doing yoga again. A minimum of three Sun Salutation As a day. On thing I plan on doing is keeping a weekly log of how things are going. If I miss a week, please feel free to give me a nudge to get back on track. So, as of this morning, I weight 237 lbs (108kg), which is about 20 lbs (9kg) less than I thought I was. I thought I was up near 260 lbs (118kg), so that's good. That doesn't mean I'm not going to work as hard. It just means I have less to lose than I thought. The start of my weight loss was yesterday. There was a hockey game, and I only had one beer, and I had 1 coke. When @hirondelle and I went to bed last night, we both did 3 Sun Salutation As. It actually felt pretty good to do them. I've gotten pretty shit at doing them, but it felt good at doing them. There are a few reasons that I've decided to lose weight. First and foremost, I just want to feel healthier. I'm out of shape, and I know that once I start losing weight, the right way, I will start getting back into shape at the same time. Another reason for me to lose weight, is it will help improve my hockey game again. I feel I have gotten slower since my knee surgery and all the lock downs and gaining weight. It really sucks, because I was starting to get decent. The final reason for me wanting to lose weight is because my knee has started to feel sore, and losing weight will take some of the stress off of my knee. So getting in shape, taking stress off of my knee, I think this will set me back on the correct path of getting my skill level back up for hockey.... I hope. Well, that's all for my first post. See you next week some time. Always Remember: If you set your mind to it, you can do it.

David entered the office with his briefcase in one hand and his full cup of coffee in the other, just as Adrian walked around the out of the office looking back over his shoulder into the office and crashed into David causing David to spill his coffee all over himself. "Oh shit, Dave buddy. I'm...." David swung his briefcase, crushing into the side of Adrian's face spraying the wall with blood. Raising his briefcase up over his head, he brings it crashing down on top of Adrian's head, raising it again, smashing down, raising it... "My..." smashing down as Adrian crashed back into the wall "name...." raising it... "is...." smashing down... "David..." raising it as Adrian slides down the wall leaving a bloody trial... "not...." smashing down... "Dave..." raising it... "you..." smashing down... "stupid..." raising it.... "son..." smashing...... "Oh shit, Dave. I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Are you OK?" Adrian asked as he caught David's arm. "I didn't mean to get your coffee all over you," Adrian said, looking around for something to clean the coffee off of David with. David is shocked back into the present and looked down at his jacket, eased his arm from Adrian's grasp, brushing the coffee off his jacket. "It's OK, Adrian. Don't worry." At least he wore a dark jacket today. He worked his way around Adrian. "Are you sure you're going to be OK Dave?" Adrian asked as David walked past him. "Is there anything I can do?" "No no, Adrian. Don't worry. I'm fine" David said, Asshole! he thought. He continued on through the office to his cubicle. When he got to his desk, he sat down with a shake of his head. "Stupid people. Why can't he watch where they're going", he grumbled to himself. Finally! Done! Weekend! David thought as he shut down his computer and pushed his keyboard tray into his desk. He stood up, picked up his briefcase and started to walk out of his cubical. He stopped and let Barbara and Susan walk past, the both of them lost in their talk about what they will do this weekend, too lost to notice David. He stepped out behind them and followed them to the door of the office. David kept his eyes on the floor while he thought about what he might do over the weekend. He saw the door open by the women and kept walking through, only to get caught in the head by the door, knocking his glasses off. Barbara turned and reached out to David, "Oh Davey, I'm..." David balled up his fist, shot it straight out and connected with Barbara's nose, feeling the bones of her nose crunching under his fist causing her to collapse to the floor. He pulls his foot back and gives her a vicious kick to the head. He pulls his foot back again, kicking her viciously in the head, picking up his foot he stomps down splatter blood across the floor, he lifts his foot again and stops down. He lifts his foot.... "Watch..." he stomps down... "what..." he lifts his foot, blood pooling around him.... "the..." stomps down, crunching bones in her skull... "fuck..." lifts his foot.... "you..." stomps down... 'are... " lifts his foot... "doing..." stomps down... "you..." lifts his foot... "stupid...." stomps... "Oh Dave. I'm so sorry. Are you OK?" she said as put her hand on his arm. "I didn't know you were behind us." David shrugged Barbara's hand off his arm in shocked manner, "It's OK. Don't worry. It's nothing," he said as he adjusted his glasses. "It's fine. Don't think about it." "Are you sure Dave,": she said as she reached out to him. "Is there anything I can do?" "No, no. I'm fine," he said as he walked around Barbara, "It's OK, Barbara. I should have been paying attention. Don't think about." He left the building, My name is David, not Dave and pay attention to what you're doing you stupid bitch. What an idiot! he thought to himself. "Good evening. How are you?" the lady at the door asked him. David looked at her, "I'm fine. I would like a table for one." "Sure, not a problem. Would you like a seat in our restaurant area or in our bar..." "If I wanted to sit in the bar I would have asked for the bar. Can I just have a table for one please?" David responded curtly. "Sure, not a problem. Follow me please" the hostess said with a smile. She turned and led the way in to restaurant area. When she reached a table, she turned and looked at him with a smile, "Is this OK?" "Yes. This will do," David said as he took a seat at the table. The hostess handed the menu to David, "Can I get you a drink?" David looked down at his menu, "Yes, I would like a gin and tonic." The hostess smiled, "OK. I will get that for you. Your server, Michael, will be right with you." She came back a few minutes later and placed the gin and tonic on David's table, "Enjoy your meal." The server stepped up to the table, "Hi. My name is Michael. I'll be taking care of you this evening. I see that Rachel got you your drink. Are you ready to order, or do you need a few min...." "Yes. I'm ready. I would like the T-bone steak. I'd like it rare. I want a baked potato and the steamed mixed vegetables. For an appetizer, I want the Caesar salad, but I don't want parmigiana cheese, and I want the dressing on the side." Michael smiled and listened to David. "OK, so you would like the T-bone steak, rare with the baked potato and steamed vegetables, and you like to start off with the Caesar salad with the dressing on the side and no Parmesan cheese." David kept his head down, "Yes, thank you." David listened to all the conversations that were going on around him. These people. They are just so ignorant. They just don't understand. he thought. A few minutes later, Michael appeared back at the table and placed the Caesar salad down and then placed the small dressing bowl down next to the salad. "Is there anything else I can get your right now sir?" Michael asked. David picked up his fork and looked down at his salad and saw croutons in it. He gripped his fork in his hand and looked up at Michael. "I didn't ask for croutons." "I'm sorry sir," Michael said pleasantly. "I can get you another salad for you if you wou...." David swung the hand up that had the fork in it and embedded it in Michael's chest, "Did I say I wanted croutons!" He yanked the fork out. "I..." drove the fork into Michael's throat "didn't..." yanked it out... "say..." drove it in again... "I..." yanked it out.. "wanted..." drove it in... "god..." yanked it out... "damn...." drove it in... "croutons..." yanked it out... "on..." drove it in... "my..." yanked it out... "stinking...." drove it in again. David followed Michael to the flow continuing to plunge his fork into Michael as he went while he screamed at him. People ran away shocked at the carnage created by David. After minutes of driving the fork repeatedly into Michael, David stopped and looked around wild eyed, his breath heavy in his chest. He saw that he was surrounded by police officers with guns trained on him. "Put the weapon down sir." one officer said. David looked down at his blood covered hand, then at his blood covered body, then looked up at the officer that spoke to him, "But, it wasn't my fault. He didn't listen to me. None of them listen to me," he said as he dropped the fork. "They deserved it." "What do you mean they deserved it?" the officer asked. "Who are they?" "You're one of them, aren't you," David said as he slowly reached for the fork again, only to be tackled from behind and pinned to the ground. "You have the right to remain silent and refuse to answer questions. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to consult an attorney before speaking to the police and to have an attorney present during questioning now or in the future. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you before any questioning if you wish. If you decide to answer questions now without an attorney present, you will still have the right to stop answering at any time until you talk to an attorney. Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you?" the officer said as he cuffed David. "Yes I do, but I don't understand why I'm being arrested," David said. "If he would have listened to what I ordered, and didn't put those croutons on my salad, I wouldn't have stabbed him." "I understand sir." the officer said. "Why don't we go down to the station to talk about this." BLAM, BLAM, BLAM. the gavel banged. "David Rider, you have been found guilty of second degree murder of Michael Phearson and hereby sentenced to 15 years on prison," the judge said. David is taken away smiling. (....4 years later) "Mr. Rider. Can I ask you a question?" the reporter asked from outside David's cell. David looked up at the reporter. "Yes you may," he said with a smile. "Mr. Rider. You killed a fellow inmate. You said it was because he didn't call you David. Is this true?" "Yes it is. He called me Davey. My name isn't Davey, it's David." "Isn't that a bit of a ridiculous excuse for killing someone?" David looked at the reported. "I've killed thousands of people. I've killed them thousands of ways. No reason for killing somebody is ridiculous. People will start to learn once you start killing them." The reporter looked shocked. "You've killed thousands of people?" An evil grin crossed David's face. "Yes. I've killed you three times just now. Each way different. I have bashed your head into my prison bars until your face was nothing but a bloody pulp. Then I pulled you in and wrapped my fingers around your through and slowly squeezed the breath out of you. Lastly, I used my spoon here," David lifted his spoon, "and I took out your throat and watched you bleed to death while I held you up." The blood drained from the reporter's face. "Uhm, thank you Mr. Rider. That's all I need for now. If I have any more questions, may I contact you again?" "If you dare" David said with a big grin on his face. I would like to thank @Squarepeg for giving me the idea for this story with the his post in Joshua Deeds I hope to write more, expanding on this story and also other stories and poems. Please feel free to leave comments.

So, here I am, 5 weeks in. Honestly, on this day, I’m feeling kind of down. I haven’t lost any weight, and for the past two weeks, I’ve only done a few sun salutations, and my hockey game, back on April 21st, I had a hockey game, and my knee felt so bad that I thought my hockey career was going to be finished at the end of this season. I feel like the guy in this picture, and I'm not really very happy about it. One good thing that has happened, during and after my hockey game on the April 28th, my knee felt loads better, but I still haven’t done much of anything else. I have been eating better a little better, which probably helps. I know this isn’t a race, and it’s better to lose weight at a moderate pace instead of a fast pace, but honestly, I am feeling a just a bit down. I’m sure there are other contributing factors to this, but I thought it would be best to be honest about how I’m feeling here, nullas this is what this space is for. I’m sure that in a few days, I will feel much better. I’m going to keep at it and do my best to make a blog post about it about every week to two (2) weeks. As I said, I’m sure that I will get out of this funk in the next few days, especially as tonight, I have a Flying Farangs practice at the new ice arena that has been built here in Bangkok. Always Remember: Don’t stop when times get tough! You have the strength to keep going.

Come all ye holidays, days of worship and times of feasts. Come all ye people to celebrate, worship and to eat. Come all ye spirits the living, deceased and the fae. Harken to our windows, tables and doorways. Making merry, popping cherries and rejoicing as we feast. No year is quite complete without a gathering of all people near and far. They set away their differences and embrace each other as they are. Come all ye seasons long or short and tarry with us a while. Less for sleeping and more for leaping as gaily we dance within Life's flow. Thank thee kindly Father Time and Mother Earth for granting us existence for a moment more.

This was hard... lol I've obviously never done this before so be patient with me while I attempt to figure it out. Technology hard... Cave painting easier... Sorry about the music in the background, like I said I'll maybe get better at this lol.

I will try to post positive things here from time to time, despite my cynical nature. The changes weight loss causes necessitates adjustment to how one dresses. It can be bittersweet. Last week, I had to put away a pair of Levi's I got a great deal on at a thrift store, and of course, the goal is to never wear them again. They were actually too long, but I learned how to hem with them. The process took all day and no less than two trips to the craft store, but it worked out pretty well. I was actually rather proud of the job. Now, I have a perfectly good pair of personally modified jeans that I can't use. However, I have almost a full wardrobe that's a size down, and while I'm not ready for the tops yet, I found a pair of jeans in my storage that fit great. ...for all of a week. The new jeans are already getting loose. While it's awesome to have such a tangible sign of progress (when I look in the mirror, I still don't see a difference), I'm going to be annoyed when I have to buy a whole new set of clothes. I suppose I have time to prepare, though.

I love photography. I love taking pictures of many things, some I'm good at, others...not so much. The one thing I've always enjoyed capturing on film/pixels is people. Portraits, candids, close ups and...nudes! Yes, I know, shock horror, a man who likes taking photos of naked ladies. Damn right! But, not for the reasons your dirty little minds are thinking. Honestly, it's nothing to with any sexual aspect that most people assume goes along with photographing the naked female body. Or the male naked body for that matter. I'm crap at talking to people. Really, ask anyone on here who I've met in person, I'm always the quietest in the group. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the company and I do join in, it's just that I try to stay as much in the background as possible without appearing rude because that's where I feel more comfortable. That isn't an option when you're shooting one on one with someone who isn't wearing any clothes! Communication is key, and that's one reason why I do it, in an attempt to improve my small/big talk. Then there's the aesthetics. The human body is beautiful and fascinating. Yes, in a sexual way, you filthy minded buggers, but not for me while I'm behind the camera. The shapes, lines, colour, shadows, highlights, the way the arms and legs connect to the torso, the flow of the neck as it stretches toward the head, everything about it holds a visual fascination for me that I love to capture. Size and age are unimportant to me, too. Well, the subject does have to be over the legal age, obviously! But, other than that, looks, age and size don't come into it. Everyone is beautiful, in their own way, and I like to capture it and prove it to them, whether it's in a portrait or with their boobs or bum out. Anyway, on to the point of this blog. As well as taking pictures, I like to show them off, too. So, to keep the forum relatively clean, visually speaking, I have been allowed to create a club where I can post my art nude images without - hopefully - offending anyone. But I obviously would like people to look at them so would you like to join my club? If you do (and I hope you do) then all you have to do is send me a message and I will send you an invite to join What We See and then you can see what I see.

Part 2 As the sound of the truck disappeared in the distance, Mindy collapses to the ground in tears. “What are we going to do, Sean? What the hell are we going to do?” Sean reaches down and picks up the bags and brings them over to sit down and sit next to Mindy. “First thing we need to do is check what supplies we have. He said there was enough food for two days for the two of us, a knife and a revolver with five rounds in it as well as a tent. Let’s check”, Sean said as he started emptying one of the bags. Mindy nods to Sean and picks up one of the other bags and starts to remove the contents from it, and Sean grabs the third bag and empties out with rest of the supplies. “OK, what do we have”, Sean said as he picked up the notebook and the pencil. He opened the notebook and on the first page was a small note from Micah. As I said to you, you have enough food for two days for two people, and a tent. You will also find a blanket. Don’t lose it. It gets cold out here at night. Use this notebook to keep track of things like how much food you’ve eaten, landmarks, and anything else you feel is important. Good Luck! Micah Sean handed the notebook to Mindy, “Here, you can write down our inventory while I set up the tent and start a fire?” “Start a fire?” asked Mindy hysterically. “Why would you do that? They will be able to see us….” Sean grabbed Mindy and forced her to look at him. “Stop! I need to start a fire so we can stay warm. We are fine for tonight. He said they won’t come after us until noon tomorrow. Now organize our supplies and make a note of everything we have while I start the fire and set up the tent.” With that, Sean went back to starting the fire. Once the fire was started, he and Mindy set up the tent for the night. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A few hours before dawn, Sean’s watch alarm went off. He quickly got up, got some water and a little bit of breakfast for the both of them ready and then woke up Mindy. While they ate, Seans said “We need to get moving as soon as possible. The more distance we can cover before the sun rises, the harder it will be for the hunters to find us.” The mention of the hunters brought Mindy around quickly and they finished their small breakfast, packed the last of their supplies, and headed north. After walking for a few hours, Sean turned them northwest. “Why are we turning?” Mindy asked, looking back the way they came. “I don’t want to make it easy for them. I think they will expect us to go one of the four main directions, so I started off going one way, and then changed, and I will change again in a few hours,” Sean said looking over his shoulder at Mindy. “But won’t that take us longer to get to the boundary? Won’t we run out of food?” Mindy asked on the edge of hysterics again. Sean stopped and took ahold of Mindy’s shoulders. If we walk in a straight line, it will make easier for them to find us. If we change directions every few hours or so, but keep heading towards a boundary, it will be better for us. Yes, we only have two days worth of supplies, but we have a knife,” Sean said patting his left hip, “and I have this revolver,” patting his right hip. “I also know how to hunt and set traps. We will be fine if we start moving before dawn and stop after the sun sets. We can do this.” Mindy took a deep breath, visibly pulling herself together. “Ok. You’re right. We can make it.”

OK, so here I am, three (3) weeks from my blog post Losing Weight - Week 1. The reason I didn't do a blog post last week, is because I was on holiday in Koh Chang with @hirondelle, and some friends. The good thing is that I haven't gained any weight. I'm holding steady at about 237 lbs. I've also started doing Sun Salutation A. Now, I'm not doing them every day, but I am working towards that. At the moment, I'm doing 5 in a row when I do them. I did them for the first few days when I started, and then I didn't do them while we were on holiday, and then I did them a couple of times since we've been back. Not enough, but it's a start. Always Remember: There is no failure, there is just a new starting point.

Welcome to the NL Community blog that is focused on helping our member with losing weight and their struggles with with weight. All are welcome to make blog posts and comments, all that we ask is that people are respectful to each other. In this blog, we can talk about what exercises we are doing, our eating habits, our triggers, or anything that surrounds our weight loss. The most important thing is that we support and encourage each other in this journey. Thank you, @Timberwolf

Dusts off the cobwebs off the old brain to post in a forum again…. it’s been ages and ages since I posted here so some updates Well the big topic last time in hawks world was my anxiety/agoraphobia which triggered my IBS and it fed off of each other. Nightmare times. Well I would love to say that is over but it will always be a part of me. I have learned to control it on most days but it rears its head back up from time to time. Now after a long hiatus from working at a location I am finally back to working full time. I rekindled my friendship with my old partners and now driving 1 hour+ each way to work with rarely ever an episode. I took on a new role with them as director of operations for our “new” small business funding division. Well part of me going back to work with them was a raise and a car allowance so I bought me a blue machine. Audi A5 S Line in grabber blue color will attach pictures. Going back to work has helped my conditions a lot. They might have improved for many reasons, maybe it’s the staying busy, maybe being surrounded by people, the energy of being in a boiler room type of situation, or just the friendships I have created and also the ones rekindled. Now the drive has been a killer now for 6 months since I have been back, 1+ hour each way, so the wife and I decided to move. I barely see the family now because of the hours and the drive so We are currently selling our house on a very high and profitable market and purchasing a home closer to the office. Many perks come with the buy but also a hefty price tag the way the real estate market is now in Florida. The stress of the move and the sale of the house and the purchase of the other has triggered anxiety many times now but I knew this was going to happen; though I wish it didn’t. Moving is a great thing for everyone and in the new house we will have a huge yard with a lake in the back and a pool. Fruit trees and plenty of yard for the dog to finally play around. See pictures below. Well for those that don’t see me around on social media or on the zoom calls. I just don’t have time because of how hectic life is but soon I will be back full swing once we move.

It has been a while hasn't it? Recently, I made a hard decision to let go of the url imaginethenorth.net. I am trying to be more aware of where my money goes and a fair bit of it drips away on net related expenses - The Northlands ipb fees, server space, and the urls Wolf and I own. I let two of mine go - imagine the north and my name dot com. Both hard choices and made me a bit sad - but absolutely the right decision. Without the url I don't have the same attachment to my Blogger and so I decided to move it all over here. Copying and pasting all the images and text over is a chore and slow. But revisting all my old blog posts made me regret that I hadn't kept it up. The last time I consistently blogged was 2012. I had a yoga blog for a short period of time in 2013 and then had a few comeback attempts in the intervening years. Anyway, moving over to The Northlands is very liberating because no one will ever read this and therefore I really am doing this for me. Which is the best reason to do anything. I So much has happened, good and bad. Time has passed, I have grown older. While I don't feel older the inside of my head feels older and I am not keen on that. I feel like time is no longer infinite. It never was of course but now I feel it a bit harder. I wonder if writing it down, capturing it, will make time seem to pass more slowly. I am always writing journals somewhere, scarps of paper, notebooks, evernote, why not here? Why not indeed.

Hey all. So, there has been a pretty big update recently to The Northlands. There are some really great things with the 4.6.3 update for Invision Power Systems. One of the cool things is the new ranking system. This is really exciting! So, listed below are the new ranks: Runt Whelp Bairn Puppy Pup Cub Stray Mutt Mongrel Hound Wolfhound Wolf Dire Wolf Alpha Wolf Every thing is based off of points earned. There are different way to earn points, there are so many ways to earn points. You get points for starting threads and commenting on threads. Blog posts, image gallery posts. Following people... just to name a few. If you have any questions, please feel free to post here or message me. Have fun!

For years, Tracy has been trying to convince me to drive a car. She wants us to do some road trips in the UK and here in Thailand. We’ve done road trips on the bike, and as lovely as those are, I’ve never felt comfortable with taking one puppy, let alone two, on the bike. Since I’ve started my new job, I travel farther for work. I used to ride for about 20 minutes to get to work, now it’s just shy of an hour, and Tracy has been concerned about my safety, understandably. I was starting to come round to the idea of driving a car here in Thailand, and then one day, on my way to work, I got caught in the rain. That normally wouldn’t be such a problem, but then, on my way home from work, on the same day, I got caught in the rain again! At least on the way to school, I could pull over and put my rain gear on, but when it happened on my way home, I wasn’t in a place where I couldn’t do that, and was soaked. I got home and told Tracy I was ready for a car. We talked about it, and I told her that I wanted to go out with a driving school instructor, if they had them in Thailand, and practice driving so I could see what it was like to drive a car on the wrong side of the road and be on the wrong side of the car. Now, in the States, I can drive an automatic and a manual, but as I felt everything would be on the wrong side, decided I wanted to start with an automatic, and get used to that. The driving school instructor said that was a good, because she only had automatic. The day arrived and she took me to a deserted area of Bangkok and we switched sides of the car and off I went. She took me through some Bangkok traffic, a lot of Bangkok traffic actually, , then she took me to a parking garage at a mall to try parking, but it was full, so she took me out on to the express way and we drove out to the airport and back. Then through some more Bangkok traffic and back to our apartment. When I was finished, she said I was fine and could take my driving test any time I wanted. Now, for cars. Tracy and I did a lot of talking about cars, should we go new, should we go used. We decided on used, and an SUV, so we looked at some of the used car dealerships here in Bangkok, and first we looked at a Mitsubishi Pajero Sport, but thought we wouldn’t be able to get it into the parking spot. Next, we looked at the Nissan Juke. Nice little SUV, but Tracy felt I was almost too big for it. After that, we looked at a Ford EcoSport. We almost got one of these, but in the end, we felt we couldn’t trust used car dealerships. So, we decided to go for new. I did a ton of researched on car makes and models, and wanted the best we could get within the budget we had set, and still get an SUV if possible. Once we decided what we wanted, we contacted dealership and went in to talk with them about what we wanted. Interesting thing, in my experience, when getting a new car in the States, you start off with a barebones model and as you add options, your price goes up. Here in Thailand, at least for the car we chose, we chose the model and it was a certain price (not going to discus how much we paid), and that’s with all the options. If you wanted to pay less, they start removing options. This was great for us, because then we could get everything wanted and the price would remain the same. So, we ended up going for a Honda BR-V. Here in Thailand, they have 2 versions of it. There is the V and the SV. The V is a 5 seater and the SV is a 7 seater. We decided on the V version because we wanted more room in the back for the puppies and for my hockey gear. We picked up the car last night and it’s amazing! And there is so much more space in the back than we thought. We need to get more puppies. Sorry about such a long post, but I’ve been holding this in for a few weeks. Anyways, my positive of the day is getting a new car! Always Remember: If there is something you want, it's never to late to get it.

Before you start reading this story, I do have to make somethings very clear. This post is very very NSFW Like my other stories, this work is pure fiction The characters in this story are both willing participants This story, in no way, shows that I think men are superior to women. I fully believe that men and women are equal in all aspects of life and should be treated as such. As this story is NSFW and adult in nature, you read at your own risk, and as such, you cannot hold the writer responsible for your reactions. Feel free to comment and discuss after you have read. “Remove all your clothes my pet”, he said as he looked into her in the eyes. With trembling hands, she lifted her top up over her head, she unbuttoned her jeans and pushes them down her legs, reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, and paused. She then looked down and removed her bra, and slowly pushed her panties down her legs. “Kneel pet”, he said sternly, as he continued to look intently at her. She slowly got down on her knees. He took the long five strides to her slowly. To her it seemed an eternity before he reached her. He placed his hand on the top of her head. Slowly he slid his hand down the side of her face and she leaned into his hand. With the tips of his fingers, he lifted her chin to look into her eyes. “You have been too long out of your collar”, he said as his brought his other hand out from behind his back her collar in his hand.. “Present for me pet”, he said. She moved forward onto all fours, pulled her shoulders down to expose her neck more as she kept her eyes on the ground. As the collar went around her neck, she felt her heart race and a warmth start to rise in her lower belly. As he slid the strap past each hole, the collar tightened around her neck, the heat between her legs rose and a mew escaped her lips. She hoped he didn't hear it for she knew he would punish her for it. She hoped he did hear it for she knew he would punish her for it. Once he had the collar cinched into place he stood before her. “Have you been bad my pet”, he asked her. The tone of his voice told her that he already knew the answer. She kept her eyes lowered. “Yes Sir. I was a bad pet”, she said with a tremor in her voice. “What did you do my pet,” he asked. She knew he knew. She couldn't get out of this one. In a whisper she said “I took..” “What!” he said sternly, the anger rising in his voice. “I took a.....” “WHAT! Speak up pet.” He growled at her. “I'm sorry Sir. I took another man’s cock into my mouth and I enjoyed it”, she cried. She heard more than saw his feet walk off to the side of the room, heard him grab something off the table. She waited as he feet moved closer to her again, stopping right in front of her. “You will be punished for this, pet”, he walked behind her out of her site. She tried to brace for what was to come. She waited and waited. When nothing happened, she relaxed a bit, then before she knew it, she heard the whu and the loud crack of leather hitting flesh, then she felt the sting on her left ass cheek. Whu again and she felt the leather bite into her right ass cheek. He paused to let her catch her breath. He could see the quick expansion and compression of her ribs as she recovered from the smacks. The redness already glowed on each cheek. He slid the paddle over her cheeks as he stroked her back as he watched her breath start to slow. With a quick flick of his wrist, the paddle again bit into her ass, he stroked her cheeks again and then snapped the paddle into her other cheek. He could now hear her whimpers. “You more than enjoyed his cock in your mouth, didn’t you pet”, he said. She nodded, “Yes si….” whu, crack, whu, crack. Whimpers escaped her as she fought to catch her breath again. He stroked her back again, slid the paddle over her cheeks. His pants were tightening around the hardness of his cock. He slid the paddle between her legs, turning it to force her to open her legs more. He brought the paddle back up and stroked it across the wetness of her lips. She moaned and swayed her hips at the touch. Whu, crack. “Why do I do this my pet?” he asked. “Because I am such a slut Sir,” she whimpered, her head down. Whu, crack. She jumped a little at the sting, a moan escaped her lips. “You enjoy sucking cock, don’t you pet,” he stated, more than he asked. “Yes Sir.” Whu, crack, whu, crack. Her body bucks as an orgasm rips through her body responding to the pleasure pain she has received from the spanks. He moved back around front of her, undoing his pants, pulling out his hard cock, slowly stroking it. “Show me pet,” he commands her. She quickly moved forward and reached out to take his cock in her hand. She stroked it, rubbed it against her face…. kissed it…. licked it….., eventually she pulled it into her mouth, working it in and out while she stroked it with her hand, keeping one hand on the ground to maintain her balance. “Mmmmmm, that’s such a good pet,” he growled at her, as his hips start to move back and forth with the actions of her mouth and hand, causing her to moan in pleasure at being told she is a good pet. Before he lost too much control, he pulled himself from her mouth and moved around behind her. He positioned his cock at the wet opening of her pussy, easing just the head in. He then grabbed her hips and pulled as he thrusted deep into her. "Now beg pet." “Oh God yes Sir. Fuck me hard!” she screamed as he drove into her again and again. The passion of them both rising higher and higher. “Aaahh!” she cried hoarsely as her excitement crested and her body started to orgasm, spasming around him, which caused him to thrust deep into her as his own orgasm ripped through his body. They collapsed to the floor as their bodies shook and trembled, coming down from their orgasms, both making unintelligible sounds. As they started to come down, he stroked her side as he kept his body pressed against her. “I hope I didn’t hurt you my pet.” “No Sir”, she said as she pressed her body against him more. “Thank you for taking care of me as you do Sir” she said, and he kissed her neck.

(Random thoughts, no consistency, hope it makes some sort of sense) I am tired, i am stressed and being pushed to my limit. I have to hold together a family where I am the only none autistic member and it is becoming a huge struggle. I love my family, my wife, my son even the pets that just simply drive me nuts! But I am losing me, losing the me that can be fun that can be patiant that can enjoy her family. That is why I have this place I guess, the place I can be comfortable the place I can be me and have no worries. Here I can be the fun mischievous, here I can play a role, become a goddess. And now because of the 18+ area I can explore my sexul side, a side that gets very much hidden away. Being a mother is hard, it feels unrewarding at time and it is a job you can not walk away from because no matter the stress and strain god do I love it. Yes being a mother is hard.

I've mentioned elsewhere within The Northlands that I created a character called Joshua Deeds. He came from a short story I once told Autumn, made up on the spot after she requested I tell her a "Jamie story". There is a thread in The Writer's Den dedicated to quotes I have come up with, credited to Joshua, that will hopefully one day be the backbone to a second tale about him. Anyway, I am attempting to retell the original Joshua Deeds story, The Coin. I never gave him a name in the first telling of this, so I'm trying to keep it out of this version as well in an attempt to keep it as close to the original as possible. Here are the first few paragraphs that I have written this very morning. I hope you enjoy and please let me know if you'd like to see the rest. I have to go and make lunch now. There was once a young man, average, nothing special, but he was happy. He had a good job, he had good friends. He had a good life. He spent his time, when not working, doing the things he liked to do. Going out with his friends, staying in with his friends, staying in alone (he liked his own company, as well as that of others), walking to stay fit, lounging around watching movies on a Sunday, and many other things. But, there wasn't anyone in his life he could share these things with, at least nobody special. Yes, he had his friends who he could confide in, but he found he could never fully open up to them, never reveal his deepest thoughts, desires, worries and concerns. Strangely, this was something he didn't realise about himself until it was pointed out to him in rather bizarre fashion. The workday mornings followed pretty much the same routine. He got up, washed, dressed and had his breakfast before leaving his small flat to take the bus to work. On his way to the bus stop he would get a newspaper and a chocolate bar from the same shop, he'd catch the same bus and get off at the same stop a short distance from his office and call in to the coffee shop next door for the same cup of Americano which was , sometimes, already brewed and waiting for him before he even opened the door. On this particular morning, as he walked up to the door of the news shop where he bought his paper and chocolate, he noticed something glinting on the pavement in the weak autumn sun. He stooped to pick it up and found it was a gold coin with strange markings minted in to it. It was unlike any coin he'd ever seen before and it seemed to shine even when his body cast a shadow upon it. On one side the image appeared to be that of two hearts intertwined in such a fashion that they could never be separated, at least that's what it looked like to him. On the other was the profile of a rather intimidating looking man, bald, heavy jowled, with small piercing eyes. The young man continued to examine the coin as he walked into the shop to purchase his items. The young woman behind the counter, who worked the morning shift in the shop and knew the young man by sight if not by name, greeted him as she always did and, when she noticed the coin, remarked upon it's beauty. “Yes,” said the young man, “it is quite eye catching, isn't it. I just found it outside.” “Where's it from?” “I have no clue. I've never seen one before. I'll probably do a bit of research tonight when I get home. Anyway, have a good day. I'll see you tomorrow,” and with that he paid for his things and left the shop to catch the bus to work. The bus pulled up to the stop just as he approached and he stepped into the belly of the packed beast, paid his fare and found a seat next to a pretty brunette who was fresh face among the familiar crowd of commuters. As he was about to put the gold coin in his coat pocket she said, “That's beautiful. I've never seen one like that before.” The young man looked at her and smiled before replying, “ Yes, it's unusual. I found it just now, on the pavement outside the newsagents.” The coin appeared to be a little ice-breaker and he and the pretty brunette chatted for the entire journey, until the young man had to disembark. “See you tomorrow?” he asked. “I'll be here,” she said. The young man watched as the bus pulled away into the morning traffic and turned towards the building where he would spend the next eight hours of the day. He was just about to walk through the door when he remembered his morning brew. “ I can't function in there without my bean,” he muttered to himself and turned around and headed towards Red's Diner. He pushed his way in and there was Red, the owner of the small coffee house and eatery, standing behind the counter, arms folded across her chest, looking very annoyed. “ You forgot me?” she asked. “And here I thought I was the most important part of your day.” “Sorry, Red. I'm a little distracted this morning.” He fished the gold coin from his coat pocket to show her. “ I found this this morning outside the shop where I get my paper. Someone on the bus noticed it and we got talking. I think she likes me,” he smiled broadly as he put the coin back in his pocket, not noticing the slightly pained expression that crossed Red's face. His coffee was already made and waiting for him and he picked it up to take a sip. “Perfect, as always. Much like yourself, Red,” he said. “That'll be £2.50,” she replied. He chuckled, handed over the right change and turned to leave. “See you at lunch,” he called over his shoulder, and left for the office.

How do you know when you spend too much time online? When you have dreams about people you only know online... I just had a dream that I met @hirondelle because somehow we were in the same town and we ran into eachother and were like omg!!! And then we hung out and took selfies and laughed and had a wonderful time and@Timberwolfwas jealous cause he wasn't there. And it was so happy and then I woke up and was sad cause it was only a dream and I couldn't go back to it. And then I realised it was 3:33 am which is creepy cause it's the witching hour and now I can't fall back asleep. And then I started over analysing my life because that's what your brain does when you wake up in the middle of the night right? And I felt pathetic because I have no life outside of my family and I haven't seen my best not online friends in months because I'm depressed and I work nights and live in another world from the rest of people who work in the daytime (aka sleeping hours). And I feel like I spend my alone time lately talking to myself on here cause everyone else has a life and I'm the only one on here. And then of course I start thinking about my fucked up excuse for a relationship and I get depressed and angry and I feel like I'll never truly be happy. And then I wonder do I even deserve to be happy? I think I did something truly awful to someone in a past life and I'm being punished for it. And then I think well maybe if I ended the fucked up relationship I could wake up next to someone and not be alone but the thought of waking up next to someone not him kind of repulses me and I don't want to be with someone solely because I don't want to wake up alone. And then my hand starts to go numb because I either have carpal tunnel or something is fucked in my back and it momentarily distracts me as I try to shake/stretch my hand out of pins and needles and now I realise I'm rambling like an idiot but that's what I made this blog for so I could ramble and not bother the rest of the board so it's ok... right? And earlier tonight my daughter saw me on here and was like who are these people? Are you whoring around online with random guys? Where's the shower guy? (Cause I was on voice chat with @MaleConfessor one time and I was in the bathroom part hiding from them because they wouldn't stop asking who i was talking to and part because I was getting ready to take a shower before work) and then she was teasing me because for her people online are never who they say they are and I tried to explain I've known these people forever and they're awesome and we met on a book message board so then she said I was a geek lol and I was like yeah so... And then my son was like you should talk to Spike (guy he works with that I've met like twice but they insist I flirted with and I probably did but it wasn't flirting with intent) cause Spikes looking. And then my daughter went back to me whoring around online and poor Garrett and ugh... And this is a tiny glimpse into my head and why I my brain is never still...

Mindy sat in the passenger seat, looking out the window. "Why are you going this way, Sean?" "You know why we're going this way," Sean said with a little exasperated. "I know we were supposed to go down highway 13, but it was closed for construction back in Maplethorpe. The signs said to follow country road 586, which is what we are on now." Mindy turned and looked at Sean. "But, it's been ages since we've seen anything. No other town, no building, nothing. Are you sure you aren't lost?" "Of course, we aren't lost," Sean said with a roll of his eyes. "And it hasn't been ages, it's only been about an hour." Sean looked over to Mindy, "You have to pee again, don't you?" "That's beside the point," Mindy said. "Have you seen anything for the last hour?" Sean pointed to side of the road, "There's a farm over there. You can see the silo", he said with a bit of exasperation. "Would you like me to go up there and see if they will let you use their toilet?" Mindy shook her head, "No, I don't have to go yet." 30 minutes later... "OK, Sean. I really need to go now," Mindy said with a bit of guilt in her voice. Sean chuckled, "OK, but it will have to be on the side of the road." "I know, I know," Mindy said, a bit exasperated. "It's not like this is the first time. Just pull over. OK?" "OK, OK.", he said as he checked his rear-view mirror, then checked the left and right side of the road. "There's nobody around, and this looks like as good a place as any." he said while he pulled to the side of the road. "Do you need me to come out and assist you?" Mindy slapped Sean in the arm, "No, you sicko perv. You just stay here in the car and keep the car running. I shouldn't be long." Mindy got out of the car, closed the door, and walked over to the rear tire, pulled her pants down as she squatted down and begins to pee. Suddenly she heard something, and looked up into the trees off to the side of the road. She thought she something, and finished her business quickly, pulled her pants up and quickly got back into the car. "Sean, did you see anything?" Sean looked at Mindy confused. "Did I see anything where?" "Over there! In the trees," she said as she pointed at the trees off to the side of the road. Sean looked off into the trees where Mindy pointed. "No, I don't see any..." suddenly, a man dressed in dirty overall and a flannel shirt and brown hair sticking up wildly all over carrying an ax came charging out of the trees towards the car. Sean quickly put the car into gear and floored it only to have the car stall out. He frantically reached for the keys twisting them hard as the engine chugs when the man runs into the car, as he brought the ax down biting into the trunk of the car. Just then, the car's engine caught hold and started up, Sean crushing the accelerator to the floor. The car kicked up stones and dirt as it's tired spun and the car lurched forward, the tires screamed as they caught the pavement and Sean and Mindy took off down the road. "Who the fuck was that Sean?" Mindy screamed at him. "Sean! Who the fucking hell was that?" "I don't know! I don't know! Fuck, Mindy! Calm the fuck down!" Sean yelled back at her. Mindy started hitting Sean in the arm, "Don't yell at me! What the hell is going on? Did you do this?" "No, I didn't do this, " Sean responded. "I didn't do this, and stop hitting me," he said to Mindy as he turned his head to look at her as he steered the car around a bend in the road. "Sean! Look out!" Mindy yelled at him. Sean looked up, slammed on the brakes, bring the car to a screeching halt a few yards from five pickups parked across and road. A man with rough looking jeans, a red and blue checked flannel shirt, a long unkempt beard and hair stood in front of the pickups. He waved to Sean and Mindy as he yelled "Get out of your car. I need to discuss something with you." "What's going on Sean?" Mindy said on the verge of being hysterical. "I don't know," Sean said as he shook his head no at the man and he eased the car into reverse. "Don't try to back up," the man said as four more pickups pulled in behind the car. "I need you to listen to what I have to say first." "Sean...?!" Mindy started to cry. "Shush, Mindy. Stay here. Let me talk to him and see what it wants," Sean said as he tried to sound angry to hide the fear in his voice. "Don't do it, Sean. Don't do it," Mindy cried. Sean opened the car door and got out, standing behind it. "What do you want?" "I need you both to get out of the car and to step away from the car. Don't try to run, just come closer to me," the man replied. Sean shook his head, "Why should I trust you? I don't know you." "Because if you don't," the man lifted his left arm and three men in each of the nine pickups stood up and lowered rifles aimed at Sean and Mindy, "my men will kill you both." Sean looked at the men in front of him, then the men behind him and shook his head. He stuck his head in to the car, "Get out of the car Mindy. He wants us both out of the car and away from it to talk to us. If we don't, he's going to kill us," Sean said, the fear plain in his voice. Mindy got out of the car and they both started to walk towards the man. "Shit, I forgot the keys," Sean said, and he turned back towards the car. "Oh, don't do that," the man said as one of his men got in the car. "Just keep walking towards me until I tell you to stop." Sean turned back around with fear and anger mixed in his face. "What the hell is going on here?" he said. The man smiled, "Just stay calm, and everything will become clear shortly. Just keep walking towards until I tell you to stop." Mindy grabbed Sean's hand and they both started to walk forward as they watched the man. When they were ten feet away from the man, he told them to stop and he lowered his left arm and the men in the trucks lowered their rifles. "My name is Micah," he said and gestured to the men around him, "and these are members of my flock." Sean tried to look hard at Micah, "What do you want with us, Micah?" "You know, it's very rude to not offer your name after a name has been offered to you." Micah said with a smirk on his face. "Oh, and don't lie. I'll know if you lie." "My name is Mindy, and this is Sean," Mindy said with a tremor in her voice. "Shut up! We don't have to tell him anything," Sean said angrily to Mindy. 'Now don't be rude, Sean," Micah said, smiling. "She is just being polite. Something I think you might need to learn. Thank you, Mindy. That was very kind of you." Micah waved his right arm. "So now to your question, Sean." three bags were placed on the ground between Micah, Sean and Mindy. "You two are going to camp here tonight. Don't worry, in one of those bags is a tent. It's supposed to be a one-man tent, but I suppose you two don't mind being so close. Any way, you two are to camp here tonight. In the morning, you are to start walking. Three days north," Micah gestures to the north, "is the border." Micah gestures to the west, "Four days to the west is another border," Micah gestures to the east, "Four days east is another border," Micah gestures to the south, "And three days south is that last border. You have enough food in those bags for two days for each of you. You will also find a knife and a revolver with five rounds in it. You just have to make it to any one of the borders. Once there, you will find a car with all the paperwork that you need to sign to have it in your name. It's that simple." Micah said, the smile never left his face. "That's all?" Sean asked. He looked to Mindy, "We can do this. It will be easy! Remember that hiking trip we did last summer? We went hiked for two weeks." Mindy nodded to Sean. "Yeah, we can do..." "Oh, I forgot one very important thing, you to," Micah interrupted them, his smile turned to a cruel grin. "At noon, tomorrow, my flock and I will start hunting you. If we find you, we get to kill you Sean, and Mindy gets to become part of my flock’s breeders." "What?! No way! We aren't doing this. Bring our car back." Sean yelled at Micah. The cruel grin never left Micah's face. "You should start setting up your tent," he said as he looked to the sky. "It will be dark soon." Micah turned and walked to the center pickup. "I recommend getting an early start tomorrow. The earlier you start, the longer you will have to run. The longer you have to run, the harder it will be for my flock to find you." "Wait!" Sean pleaded. "How many of your flock will be following us?" Micah stopped getting into his pickup. "Well, you saw nine pickups. So, I guess that means there will be nine pickups looking for you tomorrow." "That's not fair. How are we supposed to outrun a pickup?" Sean said. Micah's cruel grin turned to a kind smile. "Well, I suppose that is a bit unfair. Nine pickups against two people on foot. OK. I'm feeling generous. I will cut you a break. The first day, there will only be four pickups. The second day, there will be six pickups. The third day, there will be eight pickups. The fourth day, there will be ten pickups. Sleep well. Hopefully you won't see us tomorrow," Micah said, then closed his pickup door. All nine pickups drove away leaving Sean and Mindy standing in the middle of the road. Keep an eye out for part 2. Thank you for reading.

Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time. I felt kind of pretty when I got ready for work today so I took a selfie. Then when I looked at it I cringed (as I usually do). So I made it black and white and then I felt like I looked kind of pretty again. So I look ok in black and white, or in bad lightning. My body was made for another time too, for a time when women were softer, rounder. Maybe it's my German heritage but I was built to be a bar maid in lederhosen. Cleavage for days but hide the stomach and arms lol. Why are we all so critical of ourselves? I ask as I adjust my too short sleeves down over my upper arms for the 15 thousandth time tonight. I mean if we're healthy and happy and we can do everything we need to do why is it so awful that my arms aren't toned. I gave birth to 3 amazing human beings why do I absolutely hate my stomach and my stretch marks? Why do I always feel self conscious about my stomach or the fact that those 3 amazing humans separated my abdominal muscles so that I may always look a little pregnant? I wish I could just truly be comfortable in my own skin. Some days I love me but lately those days are few and far between. Most days lately I cringe when I see myself, or when I think about myself too much, and then I just want to hide in the dark cave that is my bedroom and not see or talk to anyone. But I guess I'll leave it at that, try to see myself through a softer lens... And maybe in black and white.

Every once in a while I travel around google images and look for ideas that I cloud possible replicate with my own hands. Mostly under the search term of Homesteading, Traditional architecture of the past or Survival tricks of the trades. Other times I am inspired by the books I read or posts that I see to seek images such as nomadic hand carvings thanks to the Bride Story manga. Artworks and practical pieces that will encourage sturdy long lasting builds upon any piece of land that I hope to own. Then there is the latte stone structure of a palm tree house that was meant for the chieftain. Which takes me down my ancestorial paths to the times where my people existed before the sailor's invade and changed our lives. I wouldn't be where I am if it didn't happen, but I still want to know how my people lived and survived on the islands of the Marianas. My bloodline suggests power, authority and yes political corruption within those consumed by the latter but I know that my maternal lineage is one that may have lead me on paths towards spiritual healer and leader. Things that I hide from in today's life because I don't want to lose my family both on here or my bloodline. Yet, every moment that I live I know and use some of the teachings from my parents and their parents before them and so on. So, I walk these paths as I do others while searching online for what I may use over time or come to accept. I will share them with you sab i find them.

As some of you know, I left Facebook last year. I recently reactivated my account as per a friend's request, but I rarely read my feed and only log in maybe twice a week to check notifications/messages. The main reason I left is that Facebook is essentially a confirmation bias machine. In order to keep you coming back, the algorithms are specifically designed to show you things you will like, based on data collected on you from Facebook itself along with partner sites. One can reduce a user's presence on their feed or unfollow them altogether, blocking out what may or may not be a quality, valid viewpoint in its own right. The breaking point for me was when I realized I was getting my news from Facebook and starting to get unconsciously lazy about seeking out proper journalism. There's some personal responsibility involved here, but Facebook, by design, makes it that much harder to get outside of your comfort zone. To be properly informed, one must view differing perspectives on the world to see what is actually going on. That means reading things that can make you uncomfortable from time to time, but if you're reading quality sources, it's difficult to dismiss an opposing viewpoint as simple propaganda or without basis in logic and/or science. Here's an example. My political views are socially liberal (in case you couldn't tell!), but most of my family is very conservative. We will differ greatly on topics such as abortion, immigration, and police reform. On abortion discussion, there's been some positives--I can understand their viewpoint that abortion is murder, no matter what, and should be illegal. On the other hand, calls to completely shut down Planned Parenthood, clinics that are frequently prominent in such debate, are not reasonable, as they do provide access to contraceptives and pre- and post-natal care. On police reform, I think it's important to have the discussion that police work is a dangerous job and, in many cases, individuals in law enforcement are held accountable for overstepping their bounds. It is not helpful to call Black Lives Matter a "terrorist organization" and outright dismiss the problems with police in this country. This is where confirmation bias comes into play--with the way we are consuming media now, it is too damned easy to get stuck in an echo chamber of like-minded individuals and end up in a tribe representing a section of political thought. Authority bias comes in when we see things in print, ranging in quality from the random blog to opinion pieces in the Washington Post. If one aligns their thinking with a political tribe, it becomes more difficult to view such writings as merely opinion and not gospel. This is not a new phenomenon, either, at least in the US--the rise of the 24-hour news cycle on cable television years ago resulted in (and propagated) breakouts to ideological corners, resulting in networks of media with political lean. It has grown worse with social media, however. So, what I've done is branched out. Twitter has been my primary resource in this time, with reddit filling in the gaps here and there. The partisans are there, in droves, but one can find proper debate that does not necessarily descend into name calling. One can find quality individuals with opposing viewpoints and follow their feeds, yielding cogent comment and links to professional articles. There's also entertainment, of course, and the nature of twitter is that professionals do not seem to be afraid to express individual viewpoints, so overlap happens. (Also, twitter does have a "things you may like" algorithm that I always dismiss.) On reddit, it's a bit more difficult. Content is generally properly categorized, but sometimes you have to dig for the quality pieces and not be tempted to reach for the low-hanging fruit that's been upvoted to the top by groupthink. As stated above, I think curating a good social media feed requires a dose of personal responsibility and also enough legwork to make it happen. I'm constantly tinkering with my feeds, adding new people on twitter, removing others, adding subreddits, blocking others. Just remember that sometimes the news and political discussion is supposed to make you uncomfortable. If you're going to reach out to the world, there are tools to make your viewpoint accurate and push you towards critical thought.

So it really has been a long time since I've written anything of substance. At least, I haven't written any stories or poems. If you look at NL Archive, the last blog post I've written was on August 15, 2016, and that was about American football, titled NFL Competition. That's not to say that I haven't been busy creating things. I've also been podcasting, which you can find at my Dom Dumais website, thought it's been ages since I've done a podcast as well. I've also done a lot of work with a local hockey league called the Siam Hockey League, and I've recently rebuilt their website, and I've been asked to build a demo site for another possible job. My goal in restarting Rambling In The Woods, and creating a new character in @Kethlia's thread titled Pristov Eli Isles, as well as starting The Woods and being Wolf, which is always fun, but I digress. My goal in restarting Rambling In The Woods is to sprak my creative juices and start writing poems and stories again. This first post, I'm going to keep short, because, well, I'm having so much fun posting on NL 4.0. Always Remember: You should treat everybody better than you expect to be treated.

After ditching my homework for a few days to come on here, I finally got a half assed version of it done. I'm definitely no good at Java programming, but I'll turn in what I have if the prof doesn't respond. I am seriously done stressing out over it. Good news on the therapy front. I have an appointment with a therapist that accepts my insurance for later next month. That will help me immensely. I also wanted to share that my new glasses came in today. I have had the same frames (different lenses) for over 10 years. I like them a lot. I'll update this this more as the week goes on. I'm in the mood to update it more than Facebook simply for the fact that for every 9 things I post, I get maybe 3 people reading something. Here the response rate is much more pleasurable.

First some background/side information; - As the people who follow me on facebook probably haven't been able to miss, last year was the first time i ever went on a faraway vacation/travel (i rather call it traveling, because a vacation you mostly spend on the beach reading a book, i want to see the country i'm in, i'm exploring). Before that i never been farther away than a 6 hour drive, except for when i was about 10 years old we went with our family to. what was back than called, Yugoslavia. Plus i went twice on a 3 day "study-trip" with my work to Budapest in Hungary and Capri in Greece, that was the first time i was on a plane and hardly got to see anything of the place we where in, and according to colleague's that didn't count as a vacation/travel. Probably no need to say; i'm hooked, i want to go see the world, mostly Asia. - I love mountains! I love mountains covered in forest, there's something romantic and mysterious about it. Unfortunately i life in probably the flattest country in the world, our highest hill is 322 meters (1058 ft), we don't have mountains.. (Yes, i got serious problems here...). The first time i saw mountains with my own eyes was last year on my travel to South-Korea...it was even more beautiful than i had thought it would be, being able to see mountains covered in forest as far as the eye could see, until the horizon, it was amazing! So far for the background information, i warned you it was a dragon rambling . Like i said, i've gotten a good taste of traveling and i'm hooked, but i don't have a steady companion to go along with me. Which is no problem, i had a wonderful time with 17 other people i never met before. One friend want to go to Africa someday, we planned for 2019, another friend wants to go to Japan and Costa Rica someday, i'm in. After watching a television program called "Let's go with mum" where celebs go traveling with their moms, i thought that was a wonderful idea because my mom has also never traveled. So i asked her if she didn't had a country she has always wanted to go to someday, but she said she never had had a thought to travel far away. A couple of weeks ago i told her that there is a mountain right next to Seoul that's 836,5 meters (2744 ft) high and i could just take the subway to go hiking on a real mountain there. (I'm so excited, i'm going there next March). That's when she mentioned that that was something she would like to do someday; go to Bavaria in south Germany to see real mountains. At that point i didn't think much about it, Germany was the last place i wanted to go to. But a couple of days later i suddenly remembered something; i did want to go there, long long ago when i was a little girl i wanted to go to Bavaria very much. I wanted to go to Possenhofen in Bavaria to see Empress Sisi's parental home. Not sure if you're familiar with it, Elisabeth von Beiern is kind of a legend, she was very young when she became the empress of Austria true an unplanned marriage. There's a very well-known trilogy based on her life called "Sisi the young Empress", and i must have watched that movie like 1000's of times (yes thousands) when i was young. I think it was when i was like 11 or 12 years old, everyday i came home from school i turned on the vcr (yes, we had it on tape, recorded from tv :p) to watch it until the rest of the family also wanted to watch tv. I did this for a couple of years, driving my mom crazy, but i loved the movie so much i literally couldn't get enough of it, i could narrate every word they said. It's been around 25 years ago now and i still know that when i forwarded the intro titles i had to press the play-button when i saw the name "Ernts Marischka" on screen to catch the exact start, i still remember exactly what the dress looked like she wore to the first ball, the dress she wore when walking around Corfu and what her father yelled when she was horseback riding "Jump over the roses!" (but then in german), and so much more. So i looked into it and found a perfect vacation, it's actually very cheap compared to my other travels (yes of course it is, this one you go by train instead of plain...duh), i talked to my mom about it this morning and she thought it was a wonderful idea to go there together! It's a really cute village on the foot of Germany's highest mountain (2962 meters/9718 ft). Innsbruck, where one of the palace's is where Sisi lived, is reachable by Karwendelbahn (don't know how to translate, google it) and her hometown is fairly easy reachable by train. I'm totally excited to go now, but have to wait at least half a year because it's to cold for us now there, neither of us wants cold and snow. It's a childhood dream i had forgotten about that comes true. (And i get to travel with my mom! )

I want to write stuff. I don't really know what, but I want to create, whether that be visual art or the written word, so I'm going to attempt to keep a blog. The blog name is linked to my user name (square peg, round hole, gettit?), not necessarily anything to do with how I feel about myself or my situation, though from time to time that might be the case. Really, I just couldn't think of a decent title! Anyway, this is where I'll vent, rant, voice ideas and just generally ramble on when the mood takes me. I sincerely hope that what I spit out in this blog interests you and that you'll keep coming back to check it out.

There is no other feeling that can compare to what I feel browsing through these hallowed forums again. From the people I have come to know and care for to those I have yet to meet. The sweet call of this place online formed by our words is a haven to the real world around us. Sometimes we need such a sanctuary to escape, unwind, or terrorize and I am so estatic with it's return. I would caress my online home like a lover come home after a dark sleeplessness night if it were to physically manifest. For now I'll run my words through your minds and enjoy feeling yours touch mine for as long as I stay here.

Over the past 16 weeks I have been going through a lot of health struggles both mentally and physically. My diabetes was beginning to show signs I might need to actually take care of myself, and I was approaching what is called full blown mania. This was not a good thing for my health. Despite my strong history of working for mental health advocacy, I neglected to take care of myself or have what is called self-care. From Christmas Eve until Martin Luther King Day, I was hospitalized in two different psychiatric units. This was not strange to me and should not be to anyone seriously following my story after 20 years. However, this time was challenging as opposed to relaxing. They were units I was unfamiliar with, outside of my usual comfortable check-ins to DuPage County psychiatric units. Through this experience I learned I need to focus on my health first before I focus on my career. When I finally got home, I received my diploma in the mail stating I had completed my master’s degree in Geographic Information Systems at Elmhurst University on December 16, 2023. That document is now my most prized possession I own, and I will cherish it. Moving forward, I want to pursue grant writing, as that was the part I had loved helping out with during my employment last year working for a nonprofit. There is a cheap online class I wish to take online to help me pursue that goal in adding grant writing to my tool belt. https://www.gofundme.com/f/brians-grant-writing-class-fund Stay tuned for future updates!

This is the one place I can express myself freely without prying eyes or loaded questions. 1st cause for agoraphobia/iba/panic attack to happen got into a screaming fight with one of my partners and he made sure to beat the shit out of my mind that day due to insecurities on his part and made me feel really small. This triggered an panic attack and anxiety made it back into my life hardcore. So hard that I went on a Xanax bend, so bad I had to quit taking it and like the animal I am after talking to my therapist and her telling me to stop taking it so often. I quit it cold turkey. Huge Nono when it comes to anxiety medicine(as most mental health medicines). This made it all the worse. I made peace with him and even though I did anxiety was still looming and it would hit me often. Like if I had lost the mental war against it. I have personified it as the scariest thing that is always looming above me, hunting me, getting ready to destroy me again. So I am back to therapy weekly but no meds. Situation 2 Last week on Monday my wife took the kids to their new pediatrician and I was at work(I have been able to drive to work even through anxiety and all) My wife called me and said it was an emergency. My daughter told the doctor that she tried to commit suicide by taking pills in December. She was also cutting herself under her arms on her rib cage, under her bra where we can’t see. So in Florida they have this wonderful law called baker act. My wife had to take her to a mental hospital or we would be arrested. When I tell you that I have been in a living nightmare for the last 2 weeks doesn’t describe it good enough. I rushed to the doctors office and picked up my son drove him with my wife in her car. We had a short conversation with her to explain to her what was coming next and what to expect and that we love her I hugged her and my wife took her. My agoraphobia/ depression/ panic attacks were uncontrollable it I put on a brave face so my son wouldn’t be able to see me like this. I haven’t been able to leave my couch most days the crying the panic the everything has not stopped. we had to go to the hospital a few times and I couldn’t make myself go. My wife the saint she is went every time. They finally released her Friday and still I couldn’t leave the house. She told me that I have to go that I am stronger than this, this broke me, literally felt my mind crack. I cried like an child who’s afraid of the monster in the closet or something. She went without me but took my mother in law with her. She came home and I feel better but not best. I have been able to go to the office but been going to grocery store around the corner and a few places. However I get episodes of straight crying, panic sometimes, anxiety, etc. I still haven’t been able to go back to the office. when I am more cleared headed I will type more. I just had to let some of it out. reasons from the conversations I read on her phone and the psychiatrist the pills broke up with her girlfriend(this girlfriend has been her best friend since 1st grade) she left her for one of their mutual male friends the cutting gender disphoria she identifies as a boy that is girly or a boy that wants to be a girl which makes no fucking sense to me but I accept her/he for what she is. She wants to be called he and change her name to Lee. anyways will post more later

Wolf and Goddess have started a new podcast. In this first episode, you get to meet Wolf and Goddess and find out a little bit about them and a little bit about what the show will be about.

So, on October 9, @hirondelle and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary of being together. On October 09, 2005, after 40+ hours of travel from Baltimore Washington International Airport (BWI) to John F. Kennedy International Airport (where I spent 8 hours) to Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport (where I spent 2 hours in the middle of the night) to Taiwan International Airport to Don Muang International Airport, which at the time, was the only international airport in Bangkok just to hold @hirondelle in my arms for the first time. I'd never traveled so far in my life, let alone to fly internationally. It was so worth it! Yes, I know, that's a lot of hearts, but @hirondelle knows. Anyway, for our 15 year anniversary, I decided I would write her a poem. It was a bit last minute, but it was something that I wanted to do for her. I have already given it to her, but I wanted to post it here as well. I mean, this is one of the reasons I created a blog for, to share my writing. Oh yeah, before you read this, I made a mistake when I originally wrote it and something in my head told me it was 16 years. I have since fixed it though. 15 Years Can you believe On this day 15 years ago I stepped off Of the plane I couldn’t even Give you a hug Cuz of my bags So, I leaned in Oh, so close Just to be near To feel your body Next to mine You leaned up And kissed me Like I imagined 1,000 times before We have had Some hard times We have had Some amazing times All based in love And now it’s been 15 short years And I still have Not a regret I love you more Then I did before I love you My Darkness My Air ©October 8, 2020 Domnick M. Dumais Always Remember: If you love somebody, tell them right now. Don't hesitate.

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After I was re-introduced to hockey, you know, when I watched a BIHL game with @hirondelle, I was contacted by a guy about becoming a podcaster for his up and coming league, which sounded pretty cool. What they wanted me to do was come to come to a few games and interview the player of the game for the SHL news. So in the first interview after the first game, I interviewed Adrian Meyers, who gave credit to Jason "Cotsy" Cotsmire for helping them win the game. At the time, I thought that was nice of Adrian. As I became more involved with the hockey community, the more people talked about how great a guy Cotsy was. When I started playing hockey, I got to meet Cotsy myself, and we immediately struck up a fast friendship. Cotsy suffered a knee injury that had prevented him from playing for awhile. and when he came back to hockey, he talked to me about his GoPro camera and this casing he bought for it that he could attach it to the net. I told him to bring the casing and his camera and we would get it set up. He brought out his camera, and we set it up. He got some really great footage from those shinnies where he had his camera set up (see photo to the left). It was a lot of fun. I never actually got to play in a proper hockey game with Cotsy. only in shinny, but I got to watch him play quite a few times. Cotsy also helped out with the Flying Farangs websited, so when I took over running the it, I met up him Scott Murray at Cotsy's place so we could talk about what I had planned for the new site and also for Cotsy to transfer all the files over to me. We spent a coupe of hours hanging out, eating pizza and chatting about the site and about hockey. He showed me his goalie helmet collections. He had somebody who would personalize all his helmets, and they were pretty cool. He also showed me his hockey DVD collection, which was pretty impressive, and then he showed me his roof top balcony. He had an awesome place really. Last year, in one of the SHL games Cotsy subbed in the net, on December 13, 2018. He played for TRUE hockey, which was his first game back in competitive hockey. TRUE did lose to Aware 4-1 that night, but Cotsy stopped 35 of 39 shots, which earned him the player of the game award for that game. Cotsy gave a great interview. Even though TRUE lost, he was nothing but smiles. This is the way I will remember Cotsy, always smiling and with a kind word for everybody. No matter where I saw him, he was always smiling and happy. On December 1st this year, Cotsy was asked to sub again, this time for Aware against Hertz. The first period wasn't so good for Aware, but they started making a come back in the second period. With about 2 minutes left in the second period, Aomsin, one of the refs, came up to me and asked me if there was another goalie available because a goalie was hurt. I quickly looked at both goalies and both seemed OK, so I asked who was hurt, and he told me Cotsy was hurt. I went over to John, to find out if there were any other goalies. He said no as the other two goalies from the earlier game had already left. The end of the period sounded, and I called over the Jeremy, and John, Jeremy and I talked about it and came to a conclusion. I could see Cotsy was on his knees. We called Scotty over and explained what was going on. He knew that Cotsy was hurt, and we explained his options, and he asked if they could go with 6 skaters instead of dressing somebody in goalie equipment, which was fine, so he went and explained it to his team, Aware. While we were talking to Scotty, Aomsin assisted Cotsy to the Hertz bench. Aomsin then came over to us and explained that Cotsy was having chest pains. I got Brad, who is trained as a first responder and told him, then I told the rink staff to call the hospital. I'm not going to go into all the details, but this is the most helpless I've felt in my life. I didn't like this feeling. Cotsy was rushed to the hospital with Scotty and John going with him. I got home that night with a bad feeling, but I spoke to Wolf and asked him to take care of Cotsy and his family. I found out about 12:30 a.m. that Cotsy didn't make it. He had suffered a heart attack and died at the hospital. I was floored. @hirondelle held me while I cried. I'm so glad she was there, I don't know what I would have done without her. I decided to go to work the next day, but I wasn't worth a shit. Thai funeral services last a week and often groups of friends or family will take on the role of host on certain days. The SHL the Flying Farangs asked for a day and were given Tuesday and so on that day, all the hockey players to come in either wearing something dark SHL or Flying Farangs. He was so loved, we had so many hockey players come to services. I think his family appreciative that we came, and could feel the love we had for him. I had shinny on Thursday, which was my first time back to the rink since Cotsy passed away. That was really hard just walking into the rink. I'm so glad that @hirondelle came with me. There was such a subdued feeling in the rink. People were really down, but we all knew it needed to be done, and we knew that Cotsy would want us to get together to play the game he loved. We started with a moment of silence to show respect to Cotsy and then we started the game. As the game went on, people seemed to feel a little better. It was very healing for our hearts. There was more talk in the locker room after, not the normal amount of talk, but more than before the game. Cotsy, you were loved, and we will miss you. Get a shutout for me in that rink in the sky. Always Remember: Live and love for today for we don't know what tomorrow will bring.

As you all know, I have gotten back into hockey. I started off doing things for the Siam Hockey League (SHL). After that, I got some gear and started playing shinny hockey. For those of you that aren't Canadian, that means pick up hockey. Then I was invited to play hockey on the Flying Farangs in a few tournaments. Then in 2018, I was asked to play for Bunteng (which I'm told means 'to have fun'). The first year I played with them, we did better than the year before, which is what I hoped for. The year before I played with them, they took 2nd to last place in the bottom division. The first year I played with them, we took second place in the lower division, so that was a step up. For 2019, Bunteng changed their name to Lion State. With the name change, we got new jerseys, which you can see @hirondelle wearing at the right. Pretty cool. I was excited that they wanted me to be on their team again. See, The Bangkok Ice Hockey League (BIHL) does things differently than the SHL. The SHL has a draft every year. They take all the players that sign up for full time play, put them in to a pool, and the four (4) captains do a draft, based on how they did in the previous season. The BIHL allows the teams to come with their teams intact. The BIHL allows each team to have up to seven (7) foreign skaters, the rest must be Thai. Last year we had 3 foreign players on our team; myself, Scott Murray and Ralf Ditmer. This year, I helped out captain, Ang Rattanachot, find 2 more foreign players. I brought him Janne Kankaanpaa and Jesse Starosta. My team, Lion State seemed ready to go for our first game, and we were teamed up against a new team named Ursus. I found out after this game that this was the first time they had played on a full size North American rink. We won this game 9-0! Well, karma came back to get us, and we played Warriors A, they handed up a solid loss, we lost 0-7. Ouch! But, for the past 4 years or so, they have been the second best team in the league, and the last time we played them, last year, I think we lost like 14-0 or something like that, so we didn't feel too bad. Next up, we played Nakaraj Inter, which is the better of the two Nakaraj teams, and we lost 9-1. Ouch. That was a tough loss. Next we played Young Ducks, and we did really well again. We won this one 5-3, which put our record at 2-2. For the final game of this portion of the season, we played Grizzly Bears. Again, we really came together as a team and we won this one 5-1, finishing off the first half of the season 3-2. At this point in the season, the separate the teams into an upper division and a lower division. Because of our number of goals and wins, we were bumped into the upper division, which meant we would be playing the better teams in the league. The teams in this division were Warriors A, Thunder, Nakaraj Inter, Big Bulls, Lion State and Greatest Ice. Really, my team, Lion State and Greatest Ice shouldn't have been in this division, but oh well. We decided to make the best of it. In the first game of the second half of the season, we faced off against Nakaraj Inter again. We were expecting to get our asses handed to us again, but we came out strong and actually led for most of the game. When we got to the third period, we were ahead 3-2. We ended up losing in the third period 5-4, which wasn't too bad at all. Next we played Warriors A again and they really dominated us, and beat us 13-0. Ouch! Our next game we went head to head with last year's champions, Thunder. Another game we got dominated in and lost 11-1. Our next game was against Greatest Ice. This is a team we should have beat, but we just couldn't get our game going, and I was so flat. We ended up losing this one 3-2 in the closing minutes of the game. Very disappointing. Our final game of the season we had to play Big Bulls. I have a lot of friends on this team, and they are better than us, but we really pulled together in this game and played better than we had all year and we ended up winning this game in the third period 4-3! We couldn't believe it. The teams were now separated into three divisions; Elite Division, Division 1 and Division 2. We did well enough to be in Division 1. Division 1 Teams: OT-Yaksa Warriors B Greatest Ice Lion State As there are only four (4) teams, we only had to play two (2) games. Our first game was against OT-Yaksa. A team we lost to last year. We were on a high from beating the Big Bulls, and it really pulled into this game. Things got a bit physical in this game as well, and I got into a bit of a scrum in front of the net when they scored a goal. They scored because they slashed our goalie to knock the puck loose, which upset me, and caused me to hit that player and sending him flying. His team didn't take too kindly to this, and that resulted in a bit of a scrum in front of my net. There were no penalties called, but things heated up. In the end, we held on and won this game 5-3, which sent us to the finals to play for first place! In the final game, we faced off against Warriors B. This was a hard fought game, not really too physical like the game against OT-Yaksa, but it really went back and forth, but in the third period we pulled it off and won 5-4! Talk about a fun season! I can't wait for next season. Always Remember: Don't stress about the future, and don't worry about the past, for now is what matters.

This weekend, I was on my third shift, and the hardest. I knew it was going to be hard, purely based on who was sharing my shift and the number of bookings we had. I was grateful to work though - we had a high tea party in that I had booked and was looking forward to seeing and arranging. But. It’s a Saturday. Saturdays are always slightly mental. Especially when teamed up with our wonderful but very scattered Nell. She’s a great woman with a tiny, shrewish face and figure, and a way of listening that makes you feel like she actually gives a shit. But, dear God, there are times I want to strangle her. If you’ve worked in hospitality, you’ll know that there are certain priorities. It’s like a running list that continually moves. Right now, the priority might be getting the 6 drinks orders finished. But if you get an impatient customer at the counter, your priority needs to shift, because some people don’t give a damn that 6 other people are patiently waiting for their drinks which are now going cold on the counter because some impatient fucker wants um and ah over the menu before finally deciding no they actually don’t want food, they’d rather just have a take away coffee. And, breathe. The cafe is a constantly shifting battleground, in that sense. There is always something to fight with, all whilst the ground is moving underneath you. Oh and someone keeps changing the goal posts. Who ever said a simple life is dull? Working with Nell, whilst it has really great, fun moments and we get on, it’s also like trying to herd cats. Which therefore means my job goes from working in a dynamic duo to running the place whilst filling in around Nell. It isn’t necessary to empty a bin while a customer has been sort of served (they’ve only managed to place their drinks order so far) and there are 3 more behind that one. Honestly, the bin can wait. I promise, it isn’t going anywhere. It’s not like we have rats climbing it and waving flags at us. It can wait for 10 minutes. Pinky promise. The day always starts with a promise. Oh there aren’t too many customers, great, I can get the dishes cleared, I can fold napkins, I can clean the - holy shit, there are a gazillion hungry and thirsty customers! It tends to go downhill from there. Sometimes, you’re lucky and it goes back up the other side of the valley of doom, but generally, on the weekend, it’s a downhill free fall, all the way. This particular day promised to be particularly hectic. There were multiple lunch bookings, a high tea booking, plus random extra bookings that had been made by phone, written on a scrap of paper, which was misplaced (and later found on the floor of the staff toilet) and only half remembered. One of the big lunch bookings was a table of elderly/retired people from a new retirement complex around the corner. They visited for lunch every Saturday and reserved a bunch of our specials - and usually didn’t actually buy those and requested something else instead. They are also of the strange generation between the really old who remember the war and are grateful, and those who are too young but whose parents were grateful, and generally complain about everything, without actually complaining, and expect us poor staff to anticipate their every need, excuse me, where is my food on the silver platter borne on the tanned, muscular shoulders of servant men. Aside from screaming babies, these are our least favourite customers. Naturally, the owner is keen to impress them and keep them happy, so they don’t run back to the retirement complex and tell everyone there to avoid our cafe like the plague. So, we treat them like the royalty they think they are. And swear at them in the kitchen to each other. You will often find us in there, hidden behind the kitchen, pulling faces, swearing profusely, but silently and ranting. Then, rant over, we slap smiles on our faces, and go back to making every customer feel special. Which is an important point to make. Each of our customers has the potential to be special. Not every one of them is, although we will treat them as individuals and as special as we can, but certain customers get promoted to being special. Before this large table of retirement lunches arrived, there was a minor/major fuck up. Table reservation signs had gone out, all correctly from the bookings in the diary. One of them called to say they’d be a half hour late. Eyeball deep in coffees when I was told, I shrugged - what could I do? There was no need for the table afterwards, and no one wants to sit on reserved tables. It would be fine. Then a couple of young women arrive for their table. In the meantime, another lady had called to reserve a table for two, which had been made. Assuming the young women were that booking, I put them on that table. (This, folks, is what happened when too many people get involved.) Then the phone lady appeared with her friend - regulars of ours - and there was no table. The young ladies I had placed on a table had a table already booked - for 2 hours after the time they actually appeared at, so someone else was sat at their table. Well, shit. One of our regulars - first-name-basis, same-drink-every-time kind of regular - was sat on a table, and was only too happy to give it up to move. She was my saviour that day. Both couples got seated, and both were happy. Crisis sorted. This meant my table reservations were wonky. Which meant suddenly I was on edge about the whole table situation for the afternoon. As I stood, trying to get my head around the reservations, discussing it with the owner to get clarity, Nell arrived and tried saying something else. Unfortunately, my brain can only process so much information - kinda like a normal human brain - and I couldn’t take it in. I had to tell Nell to please, let me finish about the reservations and the times, so I could make sure it was all going on correctly and our high tea and big royalty lunch would actually have their seats at the right time. I was polite, I promise. Finally, after getting a smidge nervous that my royalty lunches wouldn’t have a table because a father and daughter were STILL waiting for their lunch, they left and I had time to make the table look good. They’re a fun bunch, our retired. Generally speaking, most of our retired customers are wonderful. Some are shitbags. Most are fab. These ones, they’re a mix. A couple are lovely and kind and patient. Another couple of them have resting bitch face (honestly didn’t know retired people could have such a thing) and complain about everything, without actually complaining, as I’ve explained. This day, they actually were fine (aside from Mr Complaints). Then the fun starts. Laying a table nicely for the high tea. This is a hotly fought over job in the cafe. We all love it - it’s, as some of us affectionately refer to it, the ‘pretty shit’. Like arranging flowers on the table. It’s at the total other end of the spectrum from emptying the food bin... For the high teas, they get table cloths (a variety of vintage ones that seriously clash at times, but are ‘vintage’ so we get away with it), the beautiful china instead of the cheap stuff we use everyday, and the cutest damn spoons and forks you’ve ever seen. We set the table up with the most adorable tea cosies we have (I’m talking ones with pumpkins and hedgehogs on, honestly so cute), flowers, candles, and - most importantly - the high tea stands, tiered platters to present the stunning food on. This particular table I was very proud of. It looked beautiful and autumnal, with deep blues and greens in the china and table cloth, balanced by vibrant reds, oranges and a splash of yellow. Then they arrived. We would roll out a red carpet if we had one, but instead we greet them and talk to them and generally make them feel as welcome as possible. This family were just adorable, right from the start. The arranger, the granddaughter, arrived with her grandfather first. He almost tottered over backwards as he removed his hand from his cane to shake my hand. I almost died, but he recovered! Panic over! The rest arrived, some having come down from Liverpool (a good 4-5 hour drive for those non-natives) and celebrations started with bottomless teapots being filled all round. They were all tickled pink when I presented them with little bells so they could ring for more tea - eat your heart out, Downton, the classy shit happens in our cafe. Finally the food arrives. Little triangles of sandwiches (none of that cucumber shit - we serve our cucumbers with tuna mayo) plus vol-au-vents filled with home made coronation chicken - I’m one jealous veggie, let me tell you. Our sarnies are pretty damn awesome but then you have the sweets. Good god, you’ll need to undo a button, because you will not want to stop eating. Home-made scones (obviously served with lashings of jam and clotted cream), mini Victoria sponges with fresh cream and raspberries, lemon possets, chocolate brownie bites and, my absolute favourite, Welsh cakes. Stick a fork in me, I’m done. It was about halfway through that I went over to check everything was ok and ask what the occasion was. It was the grandfathers 92nd birthday! I exclaimed and wished him happy birthday and he got all bashful. What an amazing occasion to be a part of. Eating time went well. A few bell rings for refreshed tea, and coffees, then it was getting towards the end. God bless them, they stacked a single stand with all the food they wanted to take away - they can definitely come again - and were so thankful. The organiser waxed lyrical about how much they’d all loved it, including her grandfather who had now left with others from the family while the rest paid. He had apparently loved our music, which is all vintage war-time music - of course, he’d remember it all when it was new! I’d turned to clean, then turned back and there was the grandfather. He had shuffled all the way back into my shop to tell me how wonderful it all was and how much he loved the music. That he knew people who played in the bands when they were new songs and it was a blast from his youth, in a very good way. Can anyone else hear my heart melting? That, more than anything, that heart felt, meaningful moment, is why we do what we do. I can’t tell you how many people of the older generation I have tell me how much they love coming to us for the music and the china and the friendliness of us all. That it reminds them of their youth, of their days in the sun. And that is why I might have stressful days but, ultimately, I come home to collapse on my sofa with a full heart.

I created this a while ago pending blog entry and life got in the way I have pretty much stayed away because of being so busy, to the point I barely see my relatives. Perks of building a business. Well for the past 2 and half years i have been building a credit repair business with 2 partners and we currently employee about 40 people in a call center in the Philippines and 10 people here in the US. So it's going good, not profitable enough yet to make good money but it keeps growing. Anyways to the point of the post. For the past 10 years I have suffered from general anxiety, social anxiety and IBS. They all feed off of each other and its epic fail when the perfect storm of chaos. For quite some time I have been able to control it somewhat and have been able to be "social" and "functional". However for the past 6 months my condition has worsen to the point that I cant make it down the street without having an bad panic attack. Now I am stuck at home working from home and attending to the kids during the summer. I had a similar breakdown about 4 years back and it took some time to get out and back to "normal". Well my phobia is social and at the same time in my own head. IBS is the trigger and anxiety triggers the IBS so it becomes a thought storm of where is the closest bathroom or will I make it there. A few weeks ago I ended in the hospital because I had a bad panic attack and my BP got so high I got scared and went. The panic attack was caused because my doctor prescribed an anti depressant and I did the biggest mistake you can make when taking a new medicine, I googled. The side effects were swirling in my brain until I had a breakdown and went to the hospital. At the hospital the did all sorts of test, then we got to the cat scan when it peaked I was trembling uncontrollably on the CAT scan bed with no explanation just irrational thoughts swirling. I quit the medicine that same day before going to the hospital and the doctors all state it was a huge mistake. Well I haven't been good. I have been locked at home depressed and working still perks of being a business owner. The kids have kept me happy but this really sucks. Finally last week I decided to get help and got a therapist who will treat me over the phone for now until I am well enough to go to her office. My wife has been an angel and has supported me and has managed the office for me while I have been out and done pretty much all the public things like shopping and such. On the 4th of July for my daughters birthday she wanted to go to my dads house so they could play in the pool. So I went, it was a nightmare of a drive there and back. The day was enjoyable but I havent felt that bad in a while. Well my thoughts are scrambled and racing 24/7. I cant write a like I used to, or concentrate on anything. No games, books, TV shows etc. Its like days goes by in a fog and I am just rolling through them. My 1st therapy was yesterday and she gave me some excercises to do, walk my dog for 10 to 15 minutes, exercise daily, meditation, and start me back on the pills (Viibryd). I have done all except the pills that will happen tomorrow. I am hopeful she can help me fix this. I have a already planned and paid for vacation on the 27th of this month. This trip is a 4 and half hour drive which makes my anxiety spike every time I even think about it. Well this is where it gets worse. Watching TV and a scene comes on of someone in an airplane, or in a concert crowded with people, or anywhere public my anxiety spikes like if I was the character at the fucking place and I wouldn't find a bathroom or something bad will happen. Anxiety spikes and panic attacks are the name of the game every day. I started taking CBD oil and it helps sometimes but I cant yet leave the house. In the end this is my rant, I needed a place to vent and I know I have been away for so long and I appreciate you guys keeping this place open. I hope I can get my head straight so I can write a better more coherent post.

You know how sometimes you feel a feeling that is hard to explain? The other day I had a conversation with Dom that started with me longing to go back to the day Dom stepped off the plane and go through it all again appreciating everything more. Dom gave me a (textual) hug and reminded me that I appreciated everything plenty the first time around so I had nothing to regret / do better. And while I agree I also can't shake the longing... there were things I threw away that I should have saved and things I saved that I should have thrown away. I don't mean possessions. Well I don't only mean possessions. What I mean is: I wish I had watched less TV and read more books. I wish I had travelled more and spent more time in nature. I wish I had spent less money. I wish I had learned Thai properly. I wish I had had more conversations and sent fewer texts. I wish I had clung fiercely to The Northlands and the Northlanders, working harder to heal the wounds rather than tear them open wider. I wish I had never ever started a Facebook* and Instagram account and instead of hours wasted on them I wish I had continued my blog. I wish I had gone from vegetarian to vegan rather than omnivore. I wish I had laughed more and cried less. I wish I still could. *actually I don't regret joining facebook, but I wish I had deleted my account on the day I realised (fluff) friends was never coming back

I just wanted to share a loving moment with my lovely wife @hirondelle

This year for my birthday, Tracy decided to do something really special for me. See, Tracy's work was having her go to Hong Kong for a work. She would have to fly out on Monday the 14th, and she asked me if I wanted to fly out on that Thursday, my birthday. I'd never been to Hong Kong, but it's one of those places I wanted to visit. I was really excited about this. After we had agreed on this, Tracy asked me if I would be OK if we decided to invite our friend, Stef, to go with me. So Stef would fly out with me on Thursday night, and we would spend the rest of Thursday night together, and half of Friday, until Tracy finished work in the afternoon, then we would spend the rest of Friday together and all of Saturday and fly back together on Sunday. I was all for this, and excited, and Tracy told me she was also very excited about this, so we decided to bring this up to Stef. When we brought this up to Stef, she was also very excited about it, which made it more exciting for us. So the big day arrives. My birthday. I finished work early, and headed home to do the last minute things I needed to do before I headed to the airport. At about four o'clock, I head out for the airport. On the way there, I met Stef, and we went to the airport together. While we waiting for our flight, we had shared a couple of jogs of beer and she gave me a lovely birthday card. Next up was flight to Hong Kong. It's not a long flight, only about two and a half hours. Once we got going, I started watching the movie Papillon (2017). It was a really good movie, but I didn't have time to watch the whole movie, but I got to watch the last part of it on the way back. We arrived in Hong Kong at about 10:30, and made it to the trains before they stopped running, we eventually made it to the area of our hotel, then we had to find our hotel. LOL. Quite an interesting journey at that time of night, but it was fun walking around Hong Kong at that time of night. When we got up on Friday morning, we headed out to find breakfast. We walked around Hong Kong for a bit, enjoying the city for my first tie, taking some pictures of interesting things that I saw. We finally found a place for breakfast and had a really good breakfast. After breakfast, Stef and I decided to walk around Hong Kong some more so she could show me around Hong Kong as it was my first time. We saw some really interesting shaped/styled buildings. There was this one that looked like it would topple over if there was a strong wind. I also saw this building that looked like it was made of puzzle pieces, which was really cool. And next to this building was a gold building. In our wanderings, Stef took me to Hong Kong Park which has some really cool things. In the outdoors bit, it had some ponds with waterfalls, but then they also had this conservatory in the park. In side this conservatory, they had some really cool things and a few funny things. They had a few different rooms areas. One of the areas was the arid area, and they had these funny little statues in there, which I had to take pictures of, you can find those in the Hong Kong 2019 Gallery. Outside, we got a closer look at the ponds and waterfalls, and they flowed from one pond to another. At the lower ponds, they had koi fish and so many turtles. After we finished at the the Hong Kong Park, we wandered around Hong Kong a little bit, looking for a bank so I could change money from Thai Baht to Hong Kong Dollars. All the banks we went to wouldn't exchange the money for me unless I had an account with them. We did eventually find a currency exchange so I could change my money. It was about this time that Tracy messaged us to let us know that she had finished work and that she was going to go to the hotel that her work had booked her in, check out and meet us at our hotel, so Stef and I hopped onto the tram and headed back to the hotel. One of the cool things about the trams in Hong Kong is that they look so old. It's like thrown back about 40 years or so. Once we got back to the hotel and met up with Tracy, we brought her suitcase up to the room and headed out. There was a "Christmas" fair that was going on, but it had been extended to Chinese New Years, so it was still going on when we got there, so we decided to go and check it out. The fair was situated near the ferris wheel that Hong Kong has which is like the London Eye, the only difference is, it isn't big enough for you to stand up in and you are supposed to remain seated for the whole ride. I took quite a few pictures from the ferris wheel that you can find in the photo gallery for this blog post. After the ferris wheel ride, we decided that since we are at a fair, we needed to get hotdogs and beer, so we found a stand where we could get hotdogs and a different stand where we could get beer. The bad thing was, we needed to buy tokens to get the beer and the hotdogs, so we went and bought tokens and had beer and hotdogs. Well, Stef and I had beer, Tracy and a soda. After this, we had some extra tokens so we wandered around looking for things to spend our tokens on. We found one of the rides, I think it was called White Water Rafting or something like that. Each boat had four (4) seats, which was perfect for us. It was a lot of fun. After that, we decided to head off to get dinner. We decided to have dinner at this Brussels restaurant that mussels. It was my first time having mussels. I decided to go with a spicy one that had chorizo sausage, and they were delicious. Then we headed back to the hotel. For Saturday, we decided that we wanted to head over to Kowloon. To do that, we had to head across Victoria Harbor, so we decided to take the Star Ferry. I don't know if you know the movie Chungking Express, but it's a movie about this place in Kowloon that is like this apartment complex, with everything you need just in there. It's actually a really good movie, so it was pretty cool to see the real place. While we were in Kowloon, we wanted to check out a couple of sex shops. I've been to a few in the States, and a few in the UK, so I thought it would be interesting to see what one was like in Hong Kong. It was packed full of things, and not as spacious as the ones I've been to in the States or in the UK but it was pretty cool. So many different things. After the first shop, we stopped and had lunch, then off to a stationary shop. Can't pass up a good stationary shop and this was supposed to be one of the best in Hong Kong. Wow! Did that have some stuff. Everything you can imagine stationary wise, for art, Legos, teaching, for learning, games, pens, you name it, it had it! It was huge. Like seven (7) floors. Incredible! I ended up buying Tracy her birthday gift there. Next up, we decided to find what was a really highly rated shop in Hong Kong, but on the way I saw this, which has lots of rope and lots of bamboo, oh the things I could do with this! Once we found the shop, it was in a little mall, but it wasn't really that great, but we did see another one, and that was a bit better. Once we were finished there, we hopped on the underground and headed back across the harbor to head up to the Peak and have dinner. We had made a booking through the hotel so we needed to get back. We hopped into a taxi and he took us up the Peak. We were a little later than we wanted to be, so we didn't get to explore the Peak very much, but we the view of the night skyline of Hong Kong with the mountains overhead was just incredible! Then we went to the Peak Restaurant. I decided to have a steak sandwich that was delicious. Another great day in Hong Kong, so after dinner, we headed back to the hotel for the night. Sadly, that was our last night in the hotel, and in the morning, we packed things up and headed for the subway to head to the airport. For my first trip to Hong Kong, it was amazing and I have to thank both Tracy and Stef for an amazing birthday. Always Remember: If there is some place that you really want to see, make sure to make the time to it. You won't regret it.

In 2016, I was approached a couple of hockey players here in Bangkok, Thailand because I did a podcast about watching 2 hockey games here, titled Bangkok Ice Hockey League: They asked me if I wanted to be involved with a new ice hockey league they were starting called the Siam Hockey League (SHL), and be their official podcaster. All I had to do was let people know what was going on with the SHL and do a few interviews with the Player of the Game. Well, I ended up enjoying being at the rink so much for the hockey that I happily did so much more for them. I also go the bug to play again, so in 2017, when I went back to the US to visit my family, I decided to pick up some gear so I could start playing again. I actually did a podcast about this as well: Things have been going pretty good. I've took on a bigger role with the SHL for the second season, which I enjoyed, and I was playing shinny (pickup hockey) every week that they had it. I was invited to play in their Land of Smiles Old Timers tournament for the Flying Farangs. What is really cool about this is that @hirondelle has been wanting me to play for the Flying Farangs since I moved to Thailand. We did OK in the tournament, nothing big, but we didn't lose every game, and the team that won it, we did pretty good against them, so not too shabby. I was then invited to play in another tournament for the Flying Farangs in Pattaya, which was a 4-on-4 tournament. That was a lot of fun. We took second place in this tournament, and we ended up playing the best team in the tournament, the Pattaya Predators, in the last two games. We beat them the first time we played them by getting into their head and controlling the game. In the second game, they got into our heads and won the game. Oh well. There is always next year. After this, I was invited to play with the Flying Farangs again, this time in a charity tournament to raise money for a player, from one of the local teams, that was injured in a motorcycle accident. This tournament was six games spread over 2 weeks. We won all but one game, which is a game we tied. This was also a 4-on-4 tournament. Their were only two bad things about this tournament. (1) Was that it was so far out, (2) was the ice was really bad. Very soft and very wet. If you played in the first game, it wasn't so bad, but if you played in the second or third game, it was really wet. Around the time of the charity tournament, the Bangkok Ice Hockey League (BIHL). I was asked to play for a team called Bunteng which means "to have fun". The BIHL is run kind of odd. All the teams (this year there were 10, last year there were 12) are split into 2 divisions, chosen at random. The teams in the individual divisions play against each other. After this, the teams are reorganized into the divisions with the better teams in the top division, and the not so good teams put into the lower division. The teams play the the teams in their respective divisions for the remainder of the regular season. Then the teams are split into three divisions for the playoffs. Last year, Bunteng took third place in Division 2. This year, thought we didn't have a stealer season, we had an OK season. We lost every game in the first portion of the season, won two games and tied one and lost one in the second half of the season, which put us into Division 1 going into the playoffs! Now we lost both games in the playoffs and took third place, but that is a huge improvement from last season. My goal for this season was that Bunteng didn't place worse than they did last season, which they didn't. Now, I'm not saying this is because of me, but they didn't do worse because of me, so that makes me happy! @hirondelle recorded every game she was in for, and you can fine them at Dom Dumais Does Hockey. After the last game, the captain of Bunteng asked me to play on the team next season. I don't know if I will be asked to play for any other team, but I think, because Bunteng took a chance on me, so I think I will stick with them. Another big thing hat happened with me and hockey this past year was that the Flying Farangs decided they wanted to start traveling around the region again. There was a tournament in Manilla, Philippines. I was asked to play with the Flying Farangs again for this one, which I was more than happy to do! We did OK in this tournament, but we didn't win any trophies. We just had fun. For me, one of the be big things about the Pattaya, Thailand Tournament and the Manilla, Philippines Tournament was that the coach had me playing forward in both of these tournament. I'm not a forward, but it was a lot of fun. In the Pattaya Tournament, I took a few face-offs, which was aa first for me. I even won a few. In the Philippines Tournament, we were playing on Olympic sized ice, which is bigger than North American ice, which was also a first me. All in all, I've been having a lot of fun since I've come back to hockey, and I plan on playing for as long as I can now. Always Remember: If you feel the bug to do something old or new, give it a go. You just may love it!

As you may know or not, i'm on a long term sick leave from work, for 9 months already. It's no fun, let me tell you that, i wish i was able to work and do all the things that i want to do, and there are lots of things, big and small. From traveling or even migrating to the other side of the world to get the chance to write fanfic/story's again. But there's one thing about it that i don't mind at all, that is as little as possible having to interact with people. I have good contact with my best friend and mom who i see at least once a week or more, and the last few weeks i go for "treatment" so i see mostly 2 or 3 people there once a week. But that's about it besides once in a few months someone else and the people in the grocery store, and i definitely like it. Even the thought of having to work somewhere again scares me, i don't want to be stuck with (that kind of) people every day again. Maybe it's just because of my colleague's of the past 12 years that i feel like that, i mean they where nice and all but we had absolutely nothing in common, i was even the only one who did that work, i was like a construction worker between a bunch of secretary's and ceo's.... But lately it's getting even worse, more and more i feel like i life in my own little world the size of my house, when i have to go shopping or whatever i step into another world. I can get around in that other world it's not that that's scary or difficult, but i rather just not. Time really flies so fast in the world outside of my house i can't keep up. When i have to arrange things with people in that other world it's problematic, it easily can take me 5 days to answer an e-mail without me even noticing it's already been almost a week, and company's start whining "you only have 1 week to submit the form, otherwise we won't do it anymore" things like that, i'm always running behind the facts. I once tried playing a version of the Sim's (you remember that life simulation game?) on an older computer or something, i'm not really sure what the problem was there. Anyway, the time didn't go as it should be, by the time i had the game persona out of bed, showered and dressed i didn't even get the chance to have breakfast or leave the house because it was already night time again. It feels like that...by the time i have had my coffee and walked the dog and am ready to start the day/doing things, most of the morning is already over, and not because i get out of bed late, i guess i just move slower, everything takes me more time. Even the dog starts whining that it takes too long for me to get ready to get out of the door. So i'm really worried about how i'm going to life in that world outside of my house if i ever get well enough to work again. But in the meantime i don't have any problem with being a hermit it the city (outside the city would be even better) and living in my own little world filled with unattainable daydreams.

Sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the dark. Like inside of me is this huge black void and I'm just wandering around it, fumbling in the dark. Sometimes I lose my footing and I feel the edge crumbling beneath me. I can feel the emptiness there, almost a physical presence breathing down my neck. There's things in the dark, demons circling, waiting for me to trip, their anger seeps into me, changing me. I'm afraid of who I'm becoming here. I'm losing bits of myself, I feel them slipping away. My hope, my optimism, my trust, my faith, my love, my joy. I feel myself getting harder, The anger is always there now, a simmering pool that I can't seem to stay out of. It almost feels like home. I don't know if I even want to feel anymore. I'm so tired of hurting, at least if I don't feel anything I don't feel pain. I've been through a lot of things in my life but I've never felt like this for this long before. This is used to be a place I visited, not where I live. I struggle not to hurt myself. Physical pain reminds me I can still feel. And I want to feel, I truly do, I just don't want to feel this... It's funny too that I feel like physically I look better, depression and darkness look good on me apparently.

If swearing bothers you please... read no further cause it's about to get vulgar in here... Fuck this fucking night and everything fucking associated with it. Friday's are bullshit. Every Friday this month I'm the only goddamn night shift cna scheduled. Now thankfully people have been coming in early or staying late but most of the time that leaves just me for at least a couple of hours. Tonight from 2 am to 4 am there was one cna (me) and one nurse, who isn't even one of our regular nurses and is only there like once a month. And we had someone who we knew probably wouldn't make it through the night and of course she passed at 2:15. So the nurse has to deal with the doctor and the coroner and that leaves me to answer I don't know how many lights, clean up the woman who passed (alone), clean up the woman who took her brief off and basically covered herself and her bed in shit (alone). And like the same 10 people were putting their call lights on every 5 minutes, all spread out on the 3 halls. I walked 8000 steps between midnight and 6, most of it between 2 and 4. I managed to still be nice to every resident I dealt with, I know it's not their fault and a lot of them feel bad enough getting help with the things they need help with and they know we're short staffed. I'm wound so goddamn tight right now I won't be able to fall asleep. My everything fucking hurts. And I have 10 hour shifts the next 2 nights. I just want someone to rub my feet and my back and hold me and make me feel like it's not all death and losing your mind. Edit - and this is why I have dogs...

Emily and Devin are sitting at The Citrus, one of their local restaurants that serves breakfast. “What should we do today?” Devin asked Emily. “Well, I want to do some gardening this weekend, maybe plant some flowers along the side of the house. We’ve been talking about it for the last three years. I think it’s about time we finally do it,” Emily responded with a smile. Devin nodded, “That’s a great idea. I think I’ll get some equipment at Home Pro and…” Devin moved back so the waitress could put their breakfast plates down. “Would you like more coffee?” she asked, and both agreed. “So yeah, I’ll get some equipment and some mulch, and I’ll work on those trees out back,” Devin continued. “I have no idea how you eat your eggs like that,” Emily said while she looked at Devin’s plate. “Sunny side up is just so disgusting.” Devin laughed “Hey, I have to get them when we’re out, because you won’t let me eat them in the house.” “Don’t you even,” Emily retorted with a smile. “Anytime you want your eggs like that, you can cook them yourself. I’m not cooking anything that nasty.” With that, Devin picked up a slice of toast, used the corner and dipped it into his eggs, breaking the yoke causing it to ooze all over his plate while he smeared it on the end of his toast, lifted it to his mouth, as it dripped the yoke off of it, and took a big bite. “But, it’s just so delicious”, he said as he chewed it up. “That’s just horrible. You’re such a pig,” Emily laughed. “Ahh, now that hit the spot,” Devin said as he leaned back and stretched his arms over his head. “No going to sleep now. We have a lot to do today,” Emily said with a laugh. “Get the check.” The waitress came back to the table, “Do you guys need anything else?” “No thank you, just the check,” Devin replied. The waitress pulled out the checks from her apron pocket. “Sure, not a problem,” she said as she sorted through the different checks, finding Emily and Devin’s. “Here you go. When you’re ready, you can pay up at the register. Have a great day” she said as she set down their check with a smile, turned, and headed off to another table. Devin gave Emily some money, “Here’s some money, can you take care of that while I use the toilet?” he asked. “Sure, not a problem,” Emily picked up the check and the money. “I’ll meet you outside.” Devin finished washing his hands, exited the restroom and left The Citrus. He looked around, but didn’t see Emily, Hmmm, she must have headed to the car he thought, and walked to the back parking lot. He didn’t see Emily there either, but he walked to their car, but she wasn’t in it. Odd. I wonder if I missed her walking through the restaurant, Devin thought, heading back to the restaurant. Devin walked up to the cashier, “Excuse me. I was just in here having breakfast with my wife.” “Yes?” the cashier said. “Uhm, did you see where she went?” Devin asked. “She went outside, sir”, the cashier responded. “Did she say anything before..” Devin’s phone started to buzz in his pocket. He pulled out his phone and saw he had a message from Emily’s phone. Emily: Mr. Fredrikson Emily: Don’t try to find your wife’s phone. Emily: We have turned off the tracking Devin started to type into his phone. Emily: Mr. Fredrikson Emily: Stop typing Emily: Just read Emily: We have some things we need to say Emily: Before you start asking questions Emily: First Emily: Don’t bother calling the police Emily: They will just tell you to wait 48 hours Emily: Then your wife will be dead Emily: If you do what we say Emily: Follow every step Emily: Your wife will be home in 24 hours Emily: Unharmed Emily: Do you understand? Emily: You may type YES or NO YES :Devin Who are you? Why did you take my wife? What do you want? Devin thinks as he sends his message. Emily: Very good Mr. Fredrikson Emily: Now go to your car Emily: You will see a note on the seat Devin looked up to the cashier, “Thank you” and turned and walked out of The Citrus, and headed to his car. When he got there, he saw there was a note on his seat. He opened the car door, grabbed the note and started to open it when his phone buzzed again. Emily: Mr. Fredrikson Devin stopped opening the note. Emily: Before you read the note Emily: REMEMBER Emily: DO NOT GO TO THE POLICE Emily: If you do Emily: We will kill her Emily: If you understand type YES” YES :Devin Devin typed and hit the send button. Emily: Thank you Mr. Fredrikson Emily: You may read the note now Devin opens the note, a polaroid fell out, so he picked it up to see a scared Emily with a knife at her throat which was held by a masked person behind her. MR. FREDRIKSON, WE HAVE TAKEN YOUR WIFE. IN ORDER FOR YOU TO GET HER BACK YOU MUST REMAIN CALM AND DO AS YOU ARE TOLD. AS YOU SEE FROM THE PHOTO YOUR WIFE IS FINE. SHE WILL REMAIN SO IF YOU DO AS YOU ARE TOLD. IN 30 MINUTES THE TELEPHONE THAT HAS BEEN INSTALLED IN YOUR HOUSE WILL RING. IF YOU ARE NOT THERE TO ANSWER IT, IT WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR YOUR WIFE. Devin started at the note and the Polaroid in shock.He felt his phone buzz in his hand again. Emily: Mr. Fredrikson Emily: Have you finished reading the note? Devin punched YES into his phone, exasperated and terrified. Emily: Very good Mr. Fredrikson Emily: I recommend you go home now Emily: You will received a phone call in 30 minutes Emily: You should be there to answer Devin numbly got into his car, started it and drove home. Twenty-five minutes later, Devin entered his house and the first things he saw was the old fashioned rotary phone sitting in the center of the dining room table. Devin shuffles to the table, blind to everything else in his house and collapses into the dining room chair facing the phone. At exactly thirty minutes from the last message the phone starts to ring which caused Devin to scream in shock. Frantically he grabbed for the phone and knocked it off it’s cradle. Devin fumbled while he tried to grab it. When he finally caught hold of it he raised the phone to his ear. “He-hello?” “Devin?! Oh god, I’m so glad you answered the phone,” Emily said on the other end of the phone. “Emily! Are you …” Devin responded but was cut off by a mechanical voice on the other end of the line. “Mr. Fredrikson. As you can hear, your wife is alive and well,” said the mechanical voice on the other end. “Who are you?” Devin said into the phone on the verge of screaming. “It doesn’t matter who we are Mr. Fredrikson. All that matters is that you do we tell you to. When you do that, we will release your wife. Don’t do that, and you will never see your wife again. Do you understand Mr. Fredrikson?” answered the mechanical voice. “No! You tell me who you are or I won’t…..” Devin is cut off by a scream coming through the phone. “Mr. Fredrikson. That was your wife screaming. We just broke her ring finger. The one that she wears that expensive wedding ring you bought her five years ago. If you interrupt me again, I will break her hand. Then I will break her forearm. Then I will break her upper arm. Then I will break her shin. Do you get my point Mr. Fredrikson?” the mechanical voice said into the phone. “Yes! Yes! I understand. Just don’t hurt her any more,” Devin sobbed into the phone. “Mr. Fredrikson, Your job is to hack into Maverik Corporation. Once you have done that, you need to find a folder titled Marshal Falls. Copy all of the contents of that folder and then delete the folder from Maverik Corporation.” Devin was told. “But I don’t hack any more. I haven’t in ..” Devin started to say. “Don’t lie to us Mr. Fredrikson. We know everything you do. We know you haven’t stopped. You may have slowed down, but you haven’t stopped. You have twelve hours to to do this task. In twelve hours, we will contact you again. If you haven’t completed this task… Well, we don’t have to keep telling you what will happen. Just get it done Mr. Fredrikson,” the mechanical voice said and then the line was abruptly dead. “FUUUUUUUUUCK!” Devin screamed as he slammed the phone down on the receiver. He picked it up again and slammed it down again “Fuck!” He then walked over to his desktop computer and started it up, smashing down F12, changing his boot from Windows to Linux and waited impatiently for his system to reboot. Once his system finished it’s reboot, he started his programs for pinging servers, trying to track down Maverik Corporation servers. Once he found them, he started looking for his way in. After eleven hours of work, he finally found the Marshal Falls folder. It was massive. There was seven hundred gigabytes of information in that folder. Devin copied it and deleted it from Maverik Corporation's servers. He was now going through the files, but there was just so many files in there. What is all of this stuff? Devin thought to himself, suddenly he sees a folder with the title Gitega Fallout. Devin started to scan through the folder when the phone rang causing him to jump out of his seat, nearly giving him a heart attack. He jumps up and runs to the phone on the dining room table and answered it. “Hello?” Devin is greeted by the mechanical voice. “Hello Mr. Fredrikson. Did you copy the folder?” “Yes I did,” Devin responded. “What’s it..” “Mr. Fredrikson, do I need to to give you another reminder?” the mechanical voice interrupted him. “No, no. I’ve copied the folder over and deleted off of Maverik’s servers,” Devin responded. “Very good Mr. Fredrikson,” the mechanical voice answered. “Now you need to hack into Sutan Enterprises and put the folder into there.” “I can’t do this…” Devin starts to retort. “Mr. Fredrikson.” the mechanical voice started. “Fine, fine. I’ll do it. How long do I have?” Devin asked frustrated. “You have six hours Mr. Fredrikson. I will call you back then,” and the line went dead again. ... Keep an eye our for Part 2

So I'm a mood music person, probably the reason I have "when words fail, music speaks" tattooed on my chest. And a couple of songs are speaking to me tonight. Jamie O'Neal - There is no Arizona Sugarland - Stay

Not a story, but something that has been teasing on the edges of my thoughts this morning. Of course, this is one of those things that, as an adult, I feel like I'm not supposed to worry about or deal with anymore, like it's something reserved for dramatic teenagers donning their heavy black eyeliner, writing bad depressive poetry. God knows that was me not long ago in the scheme of things. I never got much into makeup, and by most accounts I wasn't all that outwardly dramatic as a teen, but i wrote the sad, emo poetry and internalized my drama into one long existential crisis, so I can't help but look at things like this that i wrestle with and wonder if I'm supposed to be past all this, that as an adult, it's childish to dwell on such things. And while there's always a certain amount of insecurity and reassurance being sought after, this isn't really that; I'm not looking for people to come forward and say "No you're not, you're wonderful and beautiful and are great"... it's just me acknowledging and wrestling with some thoughts. I just recently (as in an hour ago) finished reading Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami, and one of the things the character Tsukuru deals with is the idea that he is colorless, without personality, he is an empty vessel. "I have nothing to offer." This resonates powerfully with me; in Tsukuru I found my reflection. There is a common phrase or saying, that 'everyone likes to feel needed'. I've gone through life feeling superfluous. Unneeded. I look at the people that I somehow manage to call friends and I know why I need them. I need their personality, their humor, their strength, and passion to fill me up, to make me less alone, to make me smile and create. Even those who are introverts like myself are a different kind, and they bring me out and make me feel and love and laugh. The problem...is that i don't know why they need me. What use is someone who is empty? I'm not strong, I have no strong convictions, no solid opinions or skill in debate. My life has been placid, uneventful, boring. I don't have the personality or energy, the vivaciousness to be a party person or be invited out to events, and I have nothing of interest to offer to a conversation. I'm not needed by anyone. I have no rights to anyone's time, I can make no demands of attention from anyone. They don't need me, so if I become too troublesome or a nuisance, what keeps them from just letting me go? Nothing. So, I'm kept around because someone wants me around. Being needed versus being wanted. What's the difference? Which is stronger? We always consider that being needed is stronger. A need is immutable, its a necessity that is unchanging. We need food, water, shelter. Need never goes away, never changes. Want is fleeting. We want a cookie, a book, a car. Makes us happy for a time, until it's importance is worn out and can be let go. Is it possible to live with just being wanted? To have people who say "I love you, and I want you here." To have friends who make the choice to continually want you around. Is it possible that choice is more valuable than necessity? Am I worth less by being a want? Is it ok to be the empty vessel?

As I mentioned in my first post on language study, I'm going through a textbook to pick up new grammar (and in fewer and fewer cases, review old grammar) and practice it. It's also giving me vocabulary, but I'm not putting a lot of emphasis on it--a lot of the vocab is esoteric to college life. Not long from now I'm going to poke around NHK Easy News and pull new vocab from there. Much more practical. However, something I've been thinking about as I proceed through the book (today I am starting chapter 7 out of 11) is that I really should find a way to put together a comprehensive review. After all, it's a course in building up language learning, not a collection of discrete facts. Therefore, my current project is to figure out how I can do this effectively. An exam is the traditional method, but I can't just write it out myself! Or, at least, it wouldn't be efficient. It's a fairly popular book, so maybe there's premade exams posted online somewhere. Must look. In any case, one thing I learned about my self-driven study habits is that I learn best when I prepare in a way that would allow me to make a presentation in class. To give a 15 minute talk, or similar, with reference material. I think I can do something similar here.

So, by popular request, I'll go into my language study a bit on this blog. This post will be on a couple of tools I've been using. The first is Houhou, a Windows app. It's designed specifically for Japanese, but the SRS (spaced repetition system), which is the focus of the app, is a system that has more common-use programs built around it, such as Anki. I've even heard that people use an SRS for studying other things that require memorization, such as anatomy and chemistry. Here's the front page: There's tabs up top for the SRS, a kanji dictionary, and a dictionary for more general vocabulary. You can think of the SRS as a sort of fancy flashcard system. At its basic level, it works just like simple paper flashcards, but it also keeps track of which items you answered correctly or not and then spaces your next review of that next flashcard accordingly. The time period ranges from 4 hours (for new items) all the way up to 120 days! There's apparently actual learning science behind this stuff, and it definitely works for me. I wish I had it back in 1999 when I first started learning the language. You can see I have 20 reviews ready to go. Houhou also sends me Windows notifications every hour when new reviews are ready, and frankly, I need that level of nagging. As an example, next image has a breakdown of what I currently have in the system: : D1 is the first level, so I must have failed to answer correctly on one of the new ones. I'd say most of that 13% I get wrong are new ones. The difference between how much I draw a complete blank on new items and then how well I do just after a couple of days of this flashcard cycling process is honestly amazing. According to Houhou, supposedly I have 350 words and kanji memorized, but it doesn't feel like that many (there's also some basic ones that I never even put through the system, so the number's actually higher than that). Maybe I should have more faith in my recall. Next is an SRS review in action: This is a kanji review, although the vocab review is very similar (more or less identical to what you'll see in the next pic). I've even squeezed a few sentences in here for new grammar concepts I've been picking up recently. A minor quibble I have with this is that there are two types of readings that go with each kanji and they aren't delineated by category here in the reviews. Tough to go into more detail on that without getting into the nitty-gritty of the language, but suffice it to say it would help me with learning the readings for kanji, especially since, as you can see, there can be quite a few for each character. Yeah, it's a stickler for getting it correct. Here I'll point out the buttons on the bottom. "Ignore answer" is good if I typo'd my answer, which is handy since I'm still learning how to type in Japanese as well. It simply throws the flashcard back into the review session without recording a failure or success. "Add to meanings" is a shortcut for adding an incorrect answer to the accepted list. Sure, it can be a way to cheat, and I suppose there is an argument to be made here that my response, "verify," is technically correct, but the dictionary this is based on, EDICT, has been around since the 90's and reviewed by countless people. I should probably stick with it, and not cheat, since if I just cheated all the time it wouldn't work as well. Here's a look at the kanji tab if anyone's interested: Kanji, being a set of thousands of characters, is difficult to look up, especially for beginners. This program doesn't have a lot of tools, being pretty much just limited to reading, meaning, and component (called "radicals"). However, just this has become serviceable for someone at my level in most situations. Other programs, interfaces, and websites have all sorts of tools, such as searching by the number of strokes used in writing, or a handwritten interface where it tries to guess a kanji that the user drew. Houhou has been my best friend since I picked up Japanese again, but as I mentioned, it's a Windows program. What if I'm not at my computer and I want to look up a word? Then I use a phone app, and personally, I use Akebi for my Android phone. . Search in this is rather robust, and I actually am still learning how to use the app since most of the time I'm at my computer when I'm studying. I haven't even dabbled in the Lists or flashcards here yet. Here's a look at a sample word search: So, there's a reading here in hiragana (the basic Japanese script) and the kanji for the word (how one would normally see it written out in everyday life). Under the defintions, "common noun" refers to how often it comes up in analysis of Japanese writing. Houhou has these tags as well, and I really appreciate them. I'll explain why in the next paragraph. The other tags are for grammar reference. There's a lot of little details in Japanese that are easy to forget, especially when attempting to translate English to Japanese. Kinda like how "the" and "a" "an" and other such grammar constructs that come naturally to us native speakers work. Examples of usage in sentences are great, too. I take as many of these as I can get. Finally there's a breakdown of the kanji used in this word at the bottom, and from here, one can research the selected kanji further. That goes into why I love those common usage tags. I'll try not to lose you here in details, but when learning kanji, I find the best way to learn both the meaning and the readings for them is to see them in actual words. The problem is, when I plug a kanji into the dictionary, it's going to spit out 100 words that use that kanji, either on its own, or with other kanji. When a program like Houhou or Akebi shows me which words are commonly used, I'm able to just add two or three useful words to my list, making it much more easily digestible. This really is a lifesaver when I'm picking up ten kanji at a time. While a lot of these tools were available back in the day when I first started learning and just became more convenient (or portable), this common usage concept in particular is new and I love it. My last tool is a familiar one--a textbook. I've been going through self-study by following the textbook and doing exercises in its companion workbook. Where the tools in this post come in handy are as companions to the text. My process right now has been to pick up new words and kanji from the text, and plug them into Houhou. While plugging in the kanji, I look for common use words with them and also add them to the SRS. I'll add in sentences here and there, too. I tend to use Akebi for times I'm sitting on the couch or I'm out and about and a word pops in my head and I think to myself, "I wonder what the Japanese word for that is?" While this process has been great for vocab and kanji, I don't think it's enough for learning the grammar. Putting grammar on flashcards helps, but I've found myself memorizing what's on the flashcards instead of thinking about the grammar and parsing it into English. I'm currently looking out for tools to supplement that aspect of my learning.

For the longest time I have had to the urge to write. Or at the very least, express my feelings about stuff going on in my life. This has been very hard over the past year due to some major changes in my life as well some major changes beyond my control. For those that do not know, I live with a condition called bipolar. I'm in a federally funded government program that provides housing for people like me with mental illness and I have been in the program since 2009. Since I have been in the program I have done very well and have gotten a better grapple on my illness. I am able to manage my symptoms more effectively and control my anger better than before. However, there is still some work to be done. Over the past year, a lot of good things have happened. Our complex got bought out so we were forced to move to another location, which is in a much nicer area. I also finally have landed two really decent room mates who are not that crazy and have some sort of geek card,which is a blessing. For years I had terrible room mates I dreaded and this community has served as a refuge for me for many years, regardless of the boards being up or down. The good news is there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the spring I will be graduating from American InterContinental University Online with a BS in IT. I have no idea what I want to do with it yet, but with that degree I will finally be able to get a real job and afford a better place for me and my room mates. Also, in the spring we are moving out to a building across the way our landlord bought along with the buildings he did when we moved. The catch is we have to do our chores regularly to a tee because our staff wants to write us a good letter of recommendation. Carrot over our heads. The reality is, with a degree I'll be able to get a better job and hopefully a better place for us. That's the good news. The bad news is pretty shitty for me. The program I'm in is through the county's health department and DuPage is up there with the richest, so it does indeed provide good mental health services. However, since I moved here in December, they switched over to a new system around the time Trump took office. I'll remind you we are a federally funded program so Bruce Rauner's BS didn't affect us. But they have refused to let me see a therapist until I go to a group at these certain locations. More importantly, they want me to work on something short term and specific with the therapist. Well I'm being specific by writing this blog and I need an outlet to express my emotions. Holding them in is not healthy for me. I am doing fine, yes, and there is no need to worry, but this is the longest period in my life I have gone without seeing a therapist. I do have a case worker that manages my case, but she is not licensed. She does help me with my diabetes which I currently struggling with, but as far as i can tell the best excuse I have gotten from management is "There is a lot of changes with funding and the government now." And for fuck's sake, I do hate Trump, but this is beyond political. I'm stable and being denied service. Think of all the others who need the service more desperately that are being denied. For the county to deny service like this is a big deal. My housing is secure, which is good, but I cannot say the same for others. That is why I glad I will be out of the situation I have been in soon. The most frustrating thing is I do not have anyone to relate to. I'm the only one in two buildings that has any hope at getting a decent job. I say this as I am the only one who goes to school and plans to get OFF social security checks. When you live on the fixed income we do, you are not allowed to earn over a certain amount (usually $2000/month). So you're stuck in a clusterfuck. When you live in a community where goals are not set too high, it's tough. That's why I would like to talk to normal or other people outside of my little bubble. Brain cells are wasting away. I'm the smart guy for reading and knowing what logic is.