Redly

7 hours ago, Rapture said:

I've never listened to an audio book. Don't know how my brain would handle that. I usually listen to tunes and some out while I read

I didn't think I'd take to Audiobooks well at all. I tend to be doing stuff while listening to them and lose concentration. However, I got a free book, so downloaded one that just had me completely hooked. I now own about 20-30 and get a new one every month. I like Audible because it syncs seamlessly across devices. 

Absolutely my favourite audiobook is Angelmaker by Nick Harkaway. One of the best books I've ever experienced, but the narration takes it to the next level. I'm not even sure I want to read the book. I'm scared it will feel flat comparatively. It was so good, my Mum refused to get out of the car on a long road trip until the chapter ended, and then made any excuse to get into the car to listen to it. 

Audiobooks can be fickle though - you've got to get a good narrator, otherwise it ruins it. I've downloaded one and the narrator sounded like an automated reading app. It was terrible and I didn't even get into the second chapter. Ruined. But if you get a good narrator (like Stephen Fry... Just saying), then it brings it alive. 

Thorn nods to Rapture. "You're welcome." Then she glances at the newest girl, sitting cautiously at the bar. "Hi Yui. I must say -" 

The door slammed open and Thorn cocked her head to one side at the sight of a newer Lost soul, apparently quite vexed at arriving in a magical Inn. She had just opened her mouth to say hi, when the newcomer strode back out. Thorn looked at the other two, then back to the door when she re-enters.  She registered a bit of surprise when Yui spoke a name, but brushed it off. Rapture's apt response made her smile, and she turned a kind smile to their newest companion. 

"Sorry, I can't answer that question - I don't know how people get here, just that they do when they are lost. Then they wander into this realm, become one of the Lost, and stay here until they become Found." She shrugged. "It's what happened to me. One minute, I was strolling down a street, minding my own business, not doing anything illegal whatsoever, and the next the thickest fog I've ever seen fell around me, and I found myself here." She gestured around. 

"I was quite glad, and stayed for a bit, then the Innkeeper, a gruff man called Tom, left and became Found. The Inn chose me as the next Keeper. I've been here ever since." 

Thorn straightened. "Can I get you ladies a drink?" 

Try free writing. It loosens everything up. You literally set a timer for 5/10/15 minutes, stick pen to paper/fingers to keys and write/type for that time, with no breaks or pauses. Literally whatever comes to mind. No grammar, punctuation, etc. 

Its an interesting exercise to just get your head a bit clearer, but also works well if you’re trying to get a story out. 

P.S. it’s good to see you again @Squarepeg

On 28/09/2017 at 5:28 AM, Rapture said:

There there red 

But. Stephen fry is awesome. 

I must say, Kindle’s Whispersync with Audible is like black magic. It makes my life so much easier to get through a book! 

I just finished the second part of the Kingkiller Chronicles by Patrick Rothfuss. I enjoyed those immensely and am rather peeved that he’s done what some other unmentionable bloody fantasy authors have done and spent YEARS writing the final book! Ugh! 

I love this place, just FYI. 

Thanks @Kethlia. Acceptance is the easiest way to happiness. It doesn’t always work! But I’m better than I was. I’m fairly pragmatic around death anyway - it was all the other feelings that came with grief that started to drown me. I think the hardest part was seeing what it did to my Mum. 

Ha ha, no. I talked about my feelings of coming home and the masks which aren’t masks. He said he’s actually doing some work with other counsellors about the inhibition effect of being online, and how it removes many inhibitions. It’s good. 

You’re all amazing, thank you. This is why I am so glad to be back here. I even talked to my counsellor about you all! 

7 hours ago, Kethlia said:

Hugs* Then is we ever meet in real life Mistress I will bring a sparkling  apple cider or grape cider no alcohol what so ever to enjoy with you and maybe a picnic outdoors. Though I doubt there will be a view more breathing taking than the one is will be my companion

Thank you  that’s very considerate of you. I do drink myself, but very minimally. A large part of that is simply because I don’t like the taste of most alcoholic drinks. I’ve never seen the point if you don’t actually like the taste or like being drunk. I like neither, so I don’t drink much. I’ve been pressured through the years and have bitten back hard when people start to tease. In the environment I work in, not drinking is more unusual than drinking. 

Which is perhaps a large part of why my dad drank. It was the culture. The armed forces are terrible for it. 

1 hour ago, Kenai said:

I know its easy to say, but I think its important to remember him for who he was before the disease started messing with him.  Maybe for every bad memory you think about you could forcefully remember a couple good ones?

I do remember the good stuff too. I’ve moved past part of the worst feelings. A few months back I had a melt down, but in my better half’s arms so I allowed myself to feel all the anger and the bitterness and hatred and guilt. It was the first time I could admit I had moments where I hated him. Not for leaving me but for leaving my mum and putting her (and us) through all of that. I can honestly say I wouldn’t have wished it on my worst enemy. 

I do remember the good stuff though and often talk about the times when he was sober and healthy. Promise 

But there is a long road ahead. By long, I mean for the rest of my life. I know I will never ‘get over’ this. I don’t believe anyone gets over the loss of a loved one. 

1 hour ago, hirondelle said:

Brave post @Redly  I think it is easy to say that alcoholism is a disease but we still somehow hold people responsible for 'getting it' and if they get it for being unable to 'rid themselves' of it.  And even while feeling that way it isn't black and white - some people find the strength to quit smoking while others smoke themselves to death, the same with booze or heroin or obese people who eat themselves to death.  I know your dad's story was probably very complicated.  He was able to be so strong professionally and apparently so weak privately.  Maybe that was the price of his professional strength?  A terrible price for his family to be sure.  You mentioned a couple of times that your mum would be so ashamed if his alcoholism got out and a definitely agree that outing him (and therefore her) on your blog would be awful, but maybe she ultimately needs that to heal.  That would be for you and her to decide, but I don't know... healing can come in many guises.  Maybe she is protecting his reputation at the cost of her (and your peace).

I think my dad killed himself too - indirectly.  It wasn't drink it was bitterness and anger.  I left my first husband (who dad adored) and moved in with Dom who dad initially hated.  I don't think he really hated Dom - he was so blind with anger (at me) that he couldn't see Dom.  He saw his stupid daughter who had left a quiet and shy gentleman for a loud American lout. By the time he realised how wrong he was, how much Dom and I loved each other, how beautiful Dom was inside and out he already had terminal cancer.  I felt responsible, and guilty and angry for a long time.  It still comes in waves.  But I know it was his story and it was constructed entirely by him.  I could have done things better, but I was living my story the best I could at the time too.

All I am saying it we have so many ways to punish ourselves for our complex relationships with our parents (I could write so many essays on this haha), but ultimately we have to hold our love in a light open hand, not a clenched fist and let the negative elements fall through our fingers while retain the best part gently in our palm.  

None of this is advice, just my honest response.  I am very grateful you shared this because I have struggled with my dad's death since before he died (as in I knew in advance it was going to mess with my head) in 2009.  Your story helped me feel less alone, and move closer to healing... I hope in time I will be able to do the same for you.

Tagging @Timberwolf because I mention him, and also because he has dealt with alcoholism in his family too.

 

I’m so sorry to hear all that you endured as well. It is a terrible thing to feel. 

I share the fact he was alcoholic, with work colleagues and my friends, because it actually doesn’t bother me whether people know. Some select members of the family know, mostly because I told them when he was alive. His youngest brother was also alcoholic and that killed him a year before it killed my dad. I am sensitive to my Mum because I know she hasn’t told many people at work, I think to save her professional reputation. They worked in the sameness place and i think people would treat her differently, in her mind. My mum I still a very strong character and she was always determined not to be a weeping widow. She continues to be an inspiration to us kids. 

It will always come in waves, I think. Perhaps it will lessen, but the feelings will be there. My hatred is less, much less lol. But sometimes I’ll find myself thinking about things, particularly the night he died, because Mum found him and I got home shortly after. I remember almost everything. Sometimes it spills out in tears, sometimes it’s just a memory. As you say, everything about my dad was complex. I saw him at his worst, but had many years of his best before that. My brothers tread different paths to me. 

My main lesson from counselling has been to accept my emotions, not fight them. So I do let the positives drift about but also let myself feel the negatives. It just happens. I just have bad days where a song will get me (as I blogged about too) or I’ll talk about it like this lol. It’s just grief. 

Im glad my story helped yours also helped me. I am sorry you’ve had a similar path to walk. It’s never nice. But better knowing that there are others. I feel the same way knowing you’re there with me. 

26 minutes ago, Timberwolf said:

 @fox for being a loving and supporting friend.  In all the years I've known you, you have been one of the best humans I can think of.  Your love inspires people in ways you don't always know about.

 @Kenai for being an open hearted and loving human.  In the years that I have know you, I have seen you give everything to people, sometimes to people who may not have deserved it, and yet you still give.

 @Kethlia for being such an inspiration to so many people.  In the few short years (I don't think I can say short years any more, but compared to the others  ) I have seen you and your kind, caring and loving heart lift people's spirits in their time of need time and time again.

 @hirondelle for being my air.  You and I have known each other now going on about 15 years.  There was a time in my life when I felt the air was being slowly sucked from my lungs and my life was growing dark.  You came into my life filled my life with air again.  I have seen you do this with people time and time again, always breathing your air into them for the support they need.

 @Redly for being courageous and honest.  In the years I've known you, you have always been quite a courageous person, sharing openly your heart with people in the "fake" online world.  You have shared so many things with not only myself, and not only with the people on this list, but with many of our online family.  To meet you in real life when Tracy and I were in London both times and getting lost the last time, was such and honor.  

I remember when I met Tracy's dad.  It was a bit of a shock to him.  It was at the airport, and he had just given Tracy a hug and turned around, and there was this "giant" of an American looking at him with an outstretched hand introducing himself.  Quite daunting for anybody to say the least.  He, rightfully so, had his fears about me.  I had left my wife and 2 kids in America to come be with his lovely daughter, what's to say I wasn't going to love her and leave her and break her heart.  Like any good son-in-law I needed to prove my love for her and for him, and I believe in the last couple of years of his life, he did see how much I loved his daughter and saw that I wasn't a bad man, and I believe, because of that, he loved me in his way.

As for my family, yes, I have alcoholism and drug addiction in my family.  I personally have never felt what it was like to have an addiction, and I honestly hope that I never do, but it took me years to have even a small inkling of what it's like through talking to my family and listening to and reading the stories of some of my favorite artists talking about their struggles with alcohol and drugs.

If you would like to hear my story, I'm more than happy to share it with you or even just discuss it here or wherever.

Redly, thank you so much for trusting in us enough to talk about this here.  I am honored that you did, and honored to have you here.

thank you  we do have some amazing people here, don’t we? I wouldn’t share so readily if I didn’t feel I could. Being online removes many inhibitions but can also create new ones. As soon as I knew you were all here again, I knew I wanted to share my story. I knew you’d all understand and, if you didn’t, that you’d just listen (read) and accept. The real world isn’t like that. 

Im glad things were a bit better in the end. It’s sad that sometimes bad things have to happen for people to realise, but I suppose that’s how life goes. I’m glad you were both strong enough in each other to persevere. You’ve been through a lot of trials. It’s so inspiring to know how amazingly you’ve done. 

I must say, I had no idea until I started with my dads addiction. Sometimes the pity I feel, even know, is so overwhelming, I sit and just cry. I could see past his malicious words to the hurt and pain underneath in a way that others might not have. If you want to share, I’d like to listen. I’d be honoured to hear your stories. One of the biggest helps me and Mum had wasn’t going to AA for families. Sadly, this was 2 days before his body gave in, but a terrible least we had a light at the end of the tunnel before he left. 

However you wish to share, I’ll listen. 

Im honoured to be here. To have such good friends and family around me. Thank you all. 

24 minutes ago, Kenai said:

Wolf, you nearly  made me cry.  I love how you always see the positive in people.

Isnt he great? 

P.S. sat at my desk at work crying. So many feels! 

9 hours ago, Timberwolf said:

That's the easy part. We could make you the first person and you get to decide the first book. Although, that would have to be a decision by everybody.  

Ha ha! I’m fairly certain most of my books wouldn’t be favourable. Right now, they’re most self development books. 

Oh I loved it! So creepy and haunting and downright otherness. Just bloody loved it. I thought I was the only that did! 

It was, in large part, due to the fact I think Tom Hardy is a god 

18 hours ago, Ren said:

I watched this entire 1st season and LOVED IT!!! Hope they bring it back cause it just left one hanging on and I hate that 

As in the BBC series with Tom hardy? 

SO. MUCH. LOVE. 

I'd totally love to. My only hesitation is that I have a massive heap of books already to read. If you can put those on the list to read, that would be awesome  Lol! 

I should probably just commit  

Thorn was somewhat surprised to see the gentleman's face show a flicker of conflict when she asked for his name, but she supposed there were customs she wasn't aware of yet. She'd seen many different kinds of people, but certainly not all. 

"Rapture. That's an interesting name." Her keen eyes caught a point of black deeper than his skin travel from his eyes and down, and her curiosity was heightened. Still, time would tell his story, she was sure. It always did here. 

"Well, welcome Rapture. Rest assured, you are safe within these walls. How's the cider?" She nodded down towards the glass between them. 

Thorn quirked an eyebrow at his response, smiled a little wider, flashing tiny little fangs and regarded this stranger. 

“Alright, fair enough. Many people end up here for the same reason. Only the Lost can come here. You can be Found again but usually only when you’re ready to be. Then you’ll leave and never return.” 

She moved down the bar, towards a large barrel at the end, pulled the tap mounted on the face of it and let a deep amber liquid pour into the glass. The sound of the liquid was loud in the empty room. While it poured, Thorn felt a shift that signalled a new Lost souls had arrived in her world. She couldn’t describe how she knew or what she felt, just that she knew when souls arrived. 

Returning to the colourful gentleman, she set the glass on the bar and slid it towards him with one finger. 

“At least do me the honour of telling me your name.”

The front door swung open then, silently, but Thorn noticed. Her eyebrow quirked again at the unusual clothes of the newest Lost soul, but a warm smile was on her face again. 

“Welcome! Welcome to the Timeless Inn. Please, come in.” Thorn gestured to another stool next to her first customer. “Of course you can stay, but please know this - the fog won’t lift. This isn’t a normal Inn. You are Lost.” 

3 minutes ago, Aliea said:

oh i know the risks alright. But in the moment, you dont care and you just have to do it. It is like what @hirondellesaid, it is an addiction, it might not start of that way but that is what it can become.

Like i said, i have made a mess of my arm and today it is a reminder of my bad day and now i have to look after it, to help it heal and its sounds so odd but that helps. I finally have something to heal, something that shows the pain.

SELF HARMING IS WEIRD! and i am not trying to glam it up or tell people to do it, it is a personal thing and has nothing to do with anyone else. But i feel it needs to be talked about more, just like metal health.

Agreed. Mental health and associated facets are not talked about enough. Thank you for talking. 

He was a good person. He was to the end, just very lost and confused and broken. He used to get really angry but never violent. It was just misery. He was always the problem solver, mr fix it who just helped everyone. 

Counselling is a help. So is this place. I can’t vent publically on my blog to save my mum the shame I know she would feel. I know I can talk honestly here. 

I can say that it has caused a lasting effect. I really do not like drunken people. I have a horrible fear about it all. 

Thank you @Timberwolf and @hirondelle for bringing me home. 

Thank you for giving me something to share and a place to feel at home. Love you both 

On 26/09/2017 at 12:30 PM, Aliea said:

One of the more serious sides of mental health that people avoid to talk about.

So, I self harm, At least once a week normally more so on a bad week. Small deep cuts that I let bleed.

It's hard for self harmers  to talk about it simply because of the stigma that people put on it. They think you are seeking attention and that you are stupid for doing it. They don't understand the release that comes from doing it, the quietness that descended, the wall that builds up blocking out all the hateful words running through your mind. The also don't get that it is a physical manifistation of the cuts and scars that are covering your broken mind.

So, I'm a self harmer, I am suicidal but I am still here and still fighting and that is all I can ask for right now.

Thank you for sharing this. I’ve never self harmed, and I loved that post because it helps me understand it (not because I’m happy you self harm, clearly). 

*hugs* we’re here.

It’s so nice to share positive things, as well as being able to share the bad stuff to alleviate some of the weight. 

I want to share my thoughts on what it meant to me, coming back here. I chose to blog about it on my personal life blog, which I put up in the Mental Health area. It’s about my journey through life (not just my mental health) and so I put positive stuff on there like creative things I like to do, or experiences I have and want to think about and share. 

A major positive recently was coming back here so I explored why a little. I’m sure many can echo my thoughts. 

https://forthineownselfcreate.wordpress.com/2017/09/27/finding-a-home/

 thank you. Believe me when I say it took a lot for me to start talking about my emotions. It wasn’t something I had ever really done before. 

Particularly about my dad. I don’t mention it on my blog to save my Mum potential embarrassment but he was severely alcoholic, which ended up killing him. I lived with him and Mum 3 years before he died and honestly it was a living nightmare. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It was an awful way to live. As such, I don’t just have grief but also bitterness, relief that he’s gone, some guilt that I feel that and hatred. 

Actually, I’m very glad I have NLs. I won’t put that stuff on my blog, as I said, but I feel I can put it here as it is unlikely to reach people I know in real life and cause embarrassment for my Mum. As far as many people know, he was depressed (which I believe he was anyway) and suffered work stress. 

Bit of a nightmare, to be fair! 

But I didn’t want my blog to be just that. I am loving exploring my creativity and the emotions it inspires or sources. I plan to post about writing in there too. It’s all linked so heavily with my emotions. I’m very grateful that I can accept them, and walk with as you say. It makes life so much easier lol. 

thank you. 

But. But. But. 

It doesn’t in Harry Potter. *sniff*

I wanted to share this with you all and I think this is the most appropriate place to do so. 

I decided, after a lot of deliberation and thinking, to start blogging, specifically about my mental health and creative journey. 

I lost my dad last year, really suddenly. It has obviously sparked a lot of emotions and struggles, and I decided to go to regular counselling, which I continue to this day. I have always had a lot of emotions that can sometimes overwhelm me, and counselling has helped me to accept them, and ultimately accept me. 

I also happen to want to be more creative and find my fears overwhelm that (I've discovered I'm a very scared person). 

So my blog is my way of publicly writing about my thoughts on the world, tracking my journey to being more creative and overcoming my fears. I decided to publicly announce it on my Facebook account to all my friends and family, including the fact that I go to counselling every week. I have a real issue with the stigma attached to mental health and combat it in any way I can. This is one of my ways. It has allowed me to write about my Dad, in a constructive way. 

So, I'd love to share it with you all  It isn't the most regular thing and not the best blog in the world at the moment, but it is mine and I like having a productive way of getting thoughts and emotions out of me and into the tangible world. 

And I realised it wasn't as scary to talk about things as I'd thought. 

Here you go: https://forthineownselfcreate.wordpress.com/

Thorn levelled the newcomer, the latest Lost soul, with a steady gaze and a warm smile. Her expressive eyes took in the rather nifty suit and the utterly fascinating skin. But she said nothing. Thorn had seen many strange things pass through her Inn. Each of them she found as interesting as the rest. Each had a different story. 

When he sat, she shifted her weight, and leaned one elbow on the bar. Her hair, a deep fiery orange streaked with darker red and mahogany, fell from one shoulder. She carelessly pushed it back over a slender shoulder, out of her way. 

She smiled at his question. "That depends. For some of the Lost, it's an object they brought with them. For others, it's a job or a task. For others still, it's a story." Her eyes flicked down and back to his. It was hard not anticipate the shapes his pupils would make next. The pause she left was not uncomfortable, and then, "For you, I think the price is a story. You see, when you're the Innkeeper in a place like this, you don't get to go many places." Thorn paused and thought. "No, that's not true. I go all places, but am never truly there. This Inn, as I'm sure you've noticed, is not a regular Inn." 

Thorn straightened. "So, tell me your story. How did you come to be Lost?" She reached under the bar and took a spotlessly clean glass from underneath, setting it on the bar. "And while you tell me, what can I get you to drink?" 

Yoga is amazing for flexibility. It’s one of the other reasons I do it (want to do it). 

Uh I guess I do!  nice catch. Can you tell I was half asleep still? 

keys