Recently on Twitter someone wrote about the storm before the calm. No I haven't gotten that the wrong way round. I know most people know it the other way around, however for me and maybe fire a lot of other selfharmers it makes a lot of sense.
The storm that rages with in me before I reach that moment is a powerful one. It is a mix of depression with a huge amount of anxiety, the kind of anxiety that makes your tummy tie in knots, that causing your chest to feel like it is crushing the air out of you, that makes your limbs feel like jelly but also like they could be pulled from you at any moment. It is the type of anxiety that makes your skin crawl, that causing your heart to beat hard and faster and yet it feels like it stops all at the same time.
Basically think about the most chotic storm you can think of and put that inside you, all that energy all the destructiveness just building up and up with you until you can not take it anymore!
This is me right now, at the very moment of me writing this. This is my life, the storm that rages until I can not take it anymore and then that blade, oh that beautiful sharp shiny blade has found it's way into my hand and then into my skin and finally it tracks a line down my arm, the shine followed by red, red so bright and beautiful that I have to do it again and again and again until finally the red runs free and the storm had eased.
It is bliss, it is a smile on my lips, it is calm and my god it feels so good for it to be over, for the ranging to ease and in that moment I am free.
There is a catch however. That storm that has turned into a tiny rain cloud is still there and that cloud can grow on e again as every negative thought passes through my mind, and pretty soon it is ranging once again and the cycle repeats itself over and over again.
And behind this Storm, sits my demon, a smile on its face as it watches it rage and then laughs as the red rivers flow as the storm eases.
I don't know if I can take anymore, working in the field I'm in while I'm at the lowest point emotionally I've been at in a long time if not ever. I'm 2 hours into an 8 hour shift and I just watched someone die. And it's not the first, or the last. I feel sometimes like I'm surrounded by death and sickness, maybe not feel like, I am surrounded by it.
Right now I really just want to go home, curl up in a ball and cry. I want someone to just hold me and tell me life is worth living. That we're not just all on a slow trip to wind up here... dumped off by your family to die alone surrounded by strangers. I have seen some families who are here for their loved ones but I've seen too many who are alone at the end, or holding a hand they don't know. And no matter how much I care or try to provide some measure of comfort I always feel bad and I know it's not the same.
I don't want to wind up like that. I don't want to wind up alone, I feel like I'm alone now, even with the kids I still wind up feeling so detached lately. So when I do let myself feel, or when it gets so much that I have no choice but to feel it's like drowning.
Edit - 6 hours and 8,000 steps later I'm home and I have absolutely nothing left. I don't have the emotional energy left to do more than tell my daughter I love her before I crawl into bed. My feet hurt, my back hurts, my heart hurts, I'm just so very very done with everything.
The thunder of the winter’s cold fury whispers through my mind as I a sleep. It tells me fascinating stories of when I was younger and why it all had to happen. During the day I am called Prudence Anne Jenkins. This name was placed over my head by my doting mother when I was but 3 minutes old. I am now living with a sister and 4 brothers that hate me, a dying mother that cannot stand the sight of me and the death of a greatly loved father hanging over my head. They all blame me for his death. They all say ‘well if you hadn’t had to have someone pick you up from some stupid martial arts class then he would still be alive!’ They say that it is entirely my fault and that I should have at least had the courtesy to be in the car when the train hit him. They will then turn away and shun me.
After the accident I relived the accident in my dreams. I hear the awful sound of the trains wailing horn reverberating through my skull. Then the following pain as it plowed into my father’s car. I can hear his last words echo through me like a death keel. They tell me that he is near his end. I will carry their weight with me wherever I go. “Pru, hold true to who you are! Even when those you care about the most have turned on you. Even when your faith is at its lowest and your trust has run out. Remember I love you and no matter what, stay true to who you are!” I would rather not remember all the details, but that is no longer and option. When the accident occurred, I came fully into my powers.
He was not only my father but also my mentor. He died while coming to pick me up from yet another training session at the dojo. My family may have forgotten but I have not, he tried to teach all of them as well. Tried to bring them into their birthright as he was bringing me. We are what you would call shadow-walkers. People that claim the title of shadow-walkers are part of a select few who have evolved past the norm to protect those that have not yet achieved this. We do what we must to keep keep the rest of the populouse safe.
Thus is the story of my life. I live by day with a family that cannot stand the sight of me and then at night I live in a world that welcomes me into its loving bosom. A place that welcomes me, makes me feel the joys of life. I am the only thing that keeps most of this city alive. They are all scared of who and what I am but none of them would be able to sleep at night if they only knew what it is that they face while they sleep soundly in their beds. All sorts of demons, both of the humane persuasion and of the metaphysical breed. They come out only once the sun has set and the city has gone to sleep. I travel from place to place during the night never tiring of the routine that I have set in place for myself.
My mother, they say, is dying of a broken heart. She misses my father and wishes he were still alive. She doesn’t blame me quite as much for his death, but I was his favorite and favored him most in looks. That is why she can’t bring herself to look at me. I am my father’s child, in every way. He taught me everything that he knew. That is why he started to take me with him on his routes. These routes would be like the ones I hold now. Fighting for a people that would never know that I even exist. It seems unfair at first but after a while you get used to it and even learn to love the very thing that you curse.
Full moons are when the old legends say the lunatics and monsters come out to play. As if that is a magical force that is the only time they are able to come out. If you want the truth just look out your windows on other nights, then you will see the truth. I am tired of living in the dark.
My sister has told me that my place is in school and at home. I should not be out there doing a mans work. She doesn't understand what it is that I do at night. Of course she can’t, because she doesn’t even know what it is I do. None of my siblings knew about our father either despite his best efforts. It’s a pity, there really could have been potential with at least a couple of my brothers. They would have enjoyed the life, I think. When my father was alive they called him the safety net of the city. That was of course during the day when he worked as a justice of the peace. They never knew about his night time activities.
At night I am called Shadowmancer. Almost everyone fears me and yet, no one has seen me,and most think of me as some sort of aberration, a trick of the light or a child’s story created to make them behave. I appear out of nowhere then disappear into the shadows just as I came. This is the way of my life. Hide where the world can’t find me then keep them alive in exchange for their ignorance. After all as father used to say, “My darling child, if the world knew of our true existence then we have failed in our task. We do not protect them to gain wealth or fame. We do not protect them so we can gain notoriety. This is why we use an alias.”
It has been close to five years since his death. I am still working his area as well as the one that has somehow come to me. It is always this way with our people. One of us will die and the successor for that person will take over their area and once they become of age then they will receive their own territory. I have learned much from others like myself. It is hard to imagine what it was like before I came into my own and had to go it alone.
A while back I met a young man named Mystr, he took me to a place I had not been since I was small. There I met a man by the name of Raule. He helped to mold and shape me into what my father had envisioned. I am now in the top echelon of the shadow-walkers. That is what Raul has said anyway.
I am terrified of what my family will do if they ever find out what I do. They are not a supportive or understanding group. My older siblings will frequently search my room and all of my belongings. They use the guise of keeping me safe and don’t get taken in by all the vices that are present in our lives. This is something that I will not believe until my father rises from the grave and walks among us. My activities are restricted to school and home. I am not allowed to have friends or outside relationships.
Raul has said that I am safe at school. He obviously hasn’t been in any of the local schools lately. I am now a junior in high school. Due to my family and circumstances I am a social outcast. On the plus side, the isolation does allow me to keep my secrets. In the school that my sister has placed me in, the popular kids try and prove their right to be on the top by fighting any outcast that they can find. I have gotten very good at avoiding them. I find the practice ridiculous. The one that wins recertifies their standing in their groups. If the challenger losses however they then become the outcast and the outcast became the most popular kid in school. As I have said, pointless.
You can never be to careful about who you let close to you. The young man I mentioned earlier has since been killed. I feel sorry for his loose and will miss his comradery. He was also a in high school with his whole life ahead of him. I find it strange that when he passed his mind reached out for mine instead of his mentor or his family. I was stunned by the intensity of his contact. He told me he had been framed and then murdered to hide the crime. He asked me to find his killer. He knew that they were part of his humane acquaintances. He couldn’t tell me which of them were responsible, but it was surely one of them. He also bequeathed his territory to me. I am now responsible for the whole south side of the city. So far no one has challenged me for it.
With the acquisition of these territories I have started to gain familiars. The old tales tell that witches and all manner of dark magics claimed familiers. They were supposed to help channel their magic and hold extra magic and charms. Most of these are total crap. There is always an exception to the rules. The familiars that we acquire are like guides for us. We can have any number of them and will frequently get receive the at least one from those that have passed and have been close to them. I have three that have claimed me. A guardian wolf from my late father, a falcon that has claimed my soul as its charge and a python from Mystr. The wolf is not the same one that claimed my father’s soul as its charge but that wolf’s daughter. The situation seems fitting. Mystr’s guide was a python, the one that has come to me was his mate. She has come to me to help insure that justice is meted out for her mate and his master. Once that task is complete I do not know if she will stay or leave to claim another. For now I am comforted by her presence. The falcon appeared one day and claimed my soul and I intern am now its master.
The time has come for me to tell you why I keep this diary I suppose. Since my father’s death I have found many bound journals that he had kept. They were hidden away and his other home. I suppose you could call it his lair. They were filled with a code that could only be broken by someone who knew how to truly see. One not blinded by the world surrounding them. This in turn has prompted me to do the same. This diary will only go to one that has been given the key. My successor once that time comes. It will tell of my life, hopes, dreams and greatest fears. If by chance it helps to bring peace to those who read it then it shall be worth the words written.
My time here is drawing short as I hear my siblings calling for me. Im sure they need me to do some menial task that they do no wish to. As they are not privy to my life in full I have this my diary to keep all the details in. They are not able to find what they do not know exists. This is hidden as a school assignment. Deep in the recesses of my computer’s hard drive. As none of them have much skill with technology then for the moment it is safe. For now I bid you adieu. Until next we meet.
Days are funny things.
They change constantly, no two are the same and even if you try to replicate a day it always ends up being just a cheap knockoff!
Today is a day of darkness and badness, today will tick through the hours, the sun will rise and fall and it will eventually come to an end. Bit for me, today is a battle feild, today I fight a battle in a war that I fight every day, it is just that this battle is a big one, this one is goinf to leave scars if I am not careful, today blood could be drawn and I really don't want that.
I'm tired, I'm exhausted and god it will be so good to give in, to stop the storm, the battle raging on, to just let the blade hit and end it, not forever but at least for now.
But instead I'm fighting, my own sword drawn, fighting against the demons with their razor sharp claws.
Let's just hope I last till sleep comes and the day ends.
After all tomorrow is another day.
(Random thoughts, no consistency, hope it makes some sort of sense)
I am tired, i am stressed and being pushed to my limit. I have to hold together a family where I am the only none autistic member and it is becoming a huge struggle.
I love my family, my wife, my son even the pets that just simply drive me nuts!
But I am losing me, losing the me that can be fun that can be patiant that can enjoy her family. That is why I have this place I guess, the place I can be comfortable the place I can be me and have no worries.
Here I can be the fun mischievous, here I can play a role, become a goddess. And now because of the 18+ area I can explore my sexul side, a side that gets very much hidden away.
Being a mother is hard, it feels unrewarding at time and it is a job you can not walk away from because no matter the stress and strain god do I love it.
Yes being a mother is hard.
So I've been missing in action for a while. I've really been struggling with depression and not wanting to interact with anyone including my own family. Most days I have to fight off the urge to just hide in my room because I know I can't do that to my kids. I grew up with a parent who would get depressed and go to bed for weeks and I refuse to let myself become that. But it's gotten really hard.
It just feels like the darkness I've been circling has swallowed me whole and I'm drowning. I know I have people who care, I know I could reach out but I don't want to... it's gotten bad enough that there have been nights I've just laid in bed crying and wishing life just came with an off switch.
So I'm trying to force myself to try, to remember that this isn't me... at least I hope this isn't me...
As you may know or not, i'm on a long term sick leave from work, for 9 months already. It's no fun, let me tell you that, i wish i was able to work and do all the things that i want to do, and there are lots of things, big and small. From traveling or even migrating to the other side of the world to get the chance to write fanfic/story's again.
But there's one thing about it that i don't mind at all, that is as little as possible having to interact with people. I have good contact with my best friend and mom who i see at least once a week or more, and the last few weeks i go for "treatment" so i see mostly 2 or 3 people there once a week. But that's about it besides once in a few months someone else and the people in the grocery store, and i definitely like it.
Even the thought of having to work somewhere again scares me, i don't want to be stuck with (that kind of) people every day again. Maybe it's just because of my colleague's of the past 12 years that i feel like that, i mean they where nice and all but we had absolutely nothing in common, i was even the only one who did that work, i was like a construction worker between a bunch of secretary's and ceo's....
But lately it's getting even worse, more and more i feel like i life in my own little world the size of my house, when i have to go shopping or whatever i step into another world. I can get around in that other world it's not that that's scary or difficult, but i rather just not. Time really flies so fast in the world outside of my house i can't keep up. When i have to arrange things with people in that other world it's problematic, it easily can take me 5 days to answer an e-mail without me even noticing it's already been almost a week, and company's start whining "you only have 1 week to submit the form, otherwise we won't do it anymore" things like that, i'm always running behind the facts.
I once tried playing a version of the Sim's (you remember that life simulation game?) on an older computer or something, i'm not really sure what the problem was there. Anyway, the time didn't go as it should be, by the time i had the game persona out of bed, showered and dressed i didn't even get the chance to have breakfast or leave the house because it was already night time again. It feels like that...by the time i have had my coffee and walked the dog and am ready to start the day/doing things, most of the morning is already over, and not because i get out of bed late, i guess i just move slower, everything takes me more time. Even the dog starts whining that it takes too long for me to get ready to get out of the door.
So i'm really worried about how i'm going to life in that world outside of my house if i ever get well enough to work again.
But in the meantime i don't have any problem with being a hermit it the city (outside the city would be even better) and living in my own little world filled with unattainable daydreams.
Do you remember that café we met in? I remember it like it was yesterday. Akram, Fadhil, Baravan, Zamanlabib and I went in there for a drink after our football match. We were so excited and happy. We had beat the club from Taji. This was the third time we’ve played them this year and we finally beat them. We couldn’t believe it. Fadhil and Baravan each scored a goal for us. We were causing such a racket because we had won. Then you walked in with your friends, Dleen and Kayoosh. As soon as my eyes found out, I knew you would be the woman I was going to marry. I just needed to find out who your family was, so I could convince your father that I was the right man for you. When you looked at me, and our eyes met, my heart just stopped. You owned me with your eyes. You game me such a sweet smile.
I went back to the café the next week in the hope that you would come again. I had almost given up when you walked in. This time you were only with Kayoosh. You looked at me and smiled again. I stayed and drank so much chai while I watched you and Kayoosh. You would sneak glances at me when she wasn’t looking. It was so exciting. When you got up to leave, you signaled discreetly that you would be back the next week. I hoped you would come alone so I could talk to you.
The next week, I sat with my chai and waited for you to arrive. As soon as you walked through the door, I was so excited. You looked so shy this time, but then I noticed that you didn’t bring any of your friends. I asked you if you would like drink, and you asked for a sharbat. I stood up to walk over to the counter, and I tripped on the table. I was so embarrassed, but you didn’t laugh, you were concerned that I was OK. Thank you for that.
Telenaz, I remember how we sat and drank our sharbat and talked about our families. We talked about our hobbies. I remembered how interested you were in football. I remember how you asked so many questions, wanting to understand it. I remember asking you about the books you read and the stories you wrote. I remember asking you about all the characters. They were so interesting. You knew the entire life of all of the characters in your stories.
As we sat in that café, week after week, we started writing stories together. You challenged me to create characters that weren’t simple. You challenged me to create characters that were like real people. You taught me how to be creative. I remember teaching you how to play chess. You never really liked it very much, but you played it with me while we talked and talked.
We talked about our future plans. We talked about what we wanted to study at university. What talked about what we wanted to do with our lives. What we wanted to do with for our families. As the weeks went by, our dreams started to include each other. Going to university together. We talked about what it would be like to spend our lives together. We talked about what I would need to do to convince your father to allow me to take your hand in marriage.
I remember the day I had to tell you that I was drafted into the army. Our chai was filled with the tears we shed. Do you remember the promises we made? We promised that we would wait until I finished my tour of duty. It would only be two years. We could wait that long. That wouldn’t be a problem, two years is such a short time. Then I would have saved some money and I could approach your father and ask for your hand in marriage. We hugged each other close, wanting to kiss, but we knew we couldn’t, not just yet.
I left the next day for basic training. In my pocket I had that picture we took together. Through my sixteen weeks of basic training, we wrote emails to each other every week. Our emails filled with love and promises.
As my basic training was finishing, we promised to meet at the café again. Oh, how I looked forward to seeing you again. Those sixteen weeks seemed an eternity, but worth it for the money I saved while in basic training. I remember as I walked down the lane to the café. My heart filled with so much love and excitement. Did you feel the same? I believe you did. My heart tells me you did.
Oh, my Telenaz. Did you hear the rocket coming? I heard it. The sounds made me stop in my tracks. I couldn’t move. Then I saw our café explode in and outward spray of rubble and dust as the world was shattered by the explosion and I was thrown to the ground by the concussion. I stumbled through the rubble to the whole that was our café. Nothing but broken bits of stone, wood, and massive amounts of blood. I was covered in blood as I worked my way through the blood looking for any sign that you might have been there, hoping you had not. Then I found the remnants of your scarf. That’s all I could find. My world died that day my Telenaz.
I went back to my command when I could find nothing of you. I needed to know what happened. Who had attacked us. A civil war had broken out between the Christians and Yazidism. I was so angry with what happened to you, that I had to beg them to let me go to go to the front lines. I needed to revenge you.
Things were very chaotic at the beginning of the war, and we lost quite a few people at the start, but we did start turning things around. After 6 months of being in a regular solider, I volunteered for Black Division, which is our special forces division. I had to go through 3 months of special training.
Once I finished my training, I was immediately sent out to make my first kill. I thought this would be very hard, but I remembered what happened to you, and I found it quite easy. Because of what they did to you, I found it very easy to kill. I very quickly moved up the ranks.
It has now been two years since I lost you. I found myself back in our town. It has changed so much. So many buildings have been destroyed. I found myself walking down the road of where our café was. I found the space that was once our café. All that’s there was a couch, a brazier. Most of the rubble had been cleared away.
I decided to have a sit and relax. My phone vibrated so I had a look. You can imagine my surprise when I saw that I had received an email from you.
Are you alive?
Well, it has been awhile. Yes, I wrote a story a few days ago and posted it
and I've posted here and there trough out NL. I figured I should write a blog post and let people know what's going on with me.
Back in April of 2017, I went to the States to visit my kids and my family. Before I went back to the States, I really got the urge to play ice hockey again. Now, just to give you an idea of how long it's been, the last time I played competitive hockey was back in 1989,. Since that time, I had skated 1 time since then, and that was on February 16, 2016 when Tracy and I went to the little sheet of ice at one of the local malls here in Bangkok, Thailand, (see video below), and it was a lot of fun.
Then on August 20, 2016, Tracy and I went to Central Grand Rama 9 and we saw 2 games put on by the Bangkok Ice Hockey League (BIHL). I did a vlog and a podcast about it back then. It was a lot of fun. Granted these players weren't superstars, but some of them were pretty good. It was a lot of fun.
From this, I was contact by a couple of members from the BIHL, they were getting ready to start their own league, which was the Siam Hockey League (SHL). I met with the president of the SHL, John, and the treasurer, Christian. We sat down and discussed what they would like me to do for the SHL.
What they wanted me to do at that time was to talk about what was going on with the SHL in my podcast, and come out to a few games and interview players. I ended up doing a 10-20 minute news show about the games that happened over that week. I also went to every game and interviewed the player of the game after the games. I had so much fun doing this, and I got to know quite a few of the players. By getting to know these guys, and watching them play, it really spurred my desire to play again.
Then April of 2017, I went back to the States to visit my kids and family, and I decided to pick up hockey gear while I was there. When I got back, I started playing in the Thursday night shinny hockey, which is pick up hockey for those that don't know what shinny is. This was a lot of fun. A lot of the guys were happy to see me put the pads back on. My first game back was pretty rough, but I get a little bit better all the time.
During the off season of the SHL, their Admin guy moved from Bangkok to Singapore, so they asked me if I would like to take off these tasks, which I jumped at. I would continue doing my interview and news show. I also have updated their website and kept track of their stats. I would also be doing the score keeping for the SHL.
While things were getting ready for the SHL to kick off, I was contacted by the organizers of the Land of Smiles Tournament, a long running tournament here in Bangkok. They have teams that come from all over the world. They wanted me to interview the player of the games for the games that I could make it to. And then, on the Saturday of the tournament, they asked me if I would make a some announcements, which I was happy to do.
Once the SHL kicked off, I found it I was a lot busier than I expected I would be. The second season of the SHL is winding down, and although I've been pretty busy, I have enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to doing it again next season. Also, during the SHL season, one of my friends in the SHL, Lance, asked me if I was interested in playing ball hockey. I did this a few time, but I found it difficult with how much I was doing with the SHL, though I do plan on starting to play ball hockey again.
During my time playing shinny hockey, one of the guys I played with, Ob, he asked me to be on his team in the BIHL next season, so I'm really looking forward to that. Also, the Flying Farangs have asked me to take care of their website as well, so I've been doing that. LOL. I just keep adding more and more things. But, the SHL's season is winding down, so I'm finding myself with more free time again, so I can come back here, which, for me, is always a good thing.
Well, I think that's about all, though I'm sure @hirondelle will come by and remind me of a few things, which I will add edits for. LOL.
Always Remember: If there is something you think you might be interested in, you should give it try. You never know, you just might love it.
Before you start reading this story, I do have to make somethings very clear.
This post is very very NSFW
Like my other stories, this work is pure fiction
The characters in this story are both willing participants
This story, in no way, shows that I think men are superior to women. I fully believe that men and women are equal in all aspects of life and should be treated as such.
As this story is NSFW and adult in nature, you read at your own risk, and as such, you cannot hold the writer responsible for your reactions.
Feel free to comment and discuss after you have read.
“Remove all your clothes my pet”, he said as he looked into her in the eyes. With trembling hands, she lifted her top up over her head, she unbuttoned her jeans and pushes them down her legs, reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, and paused. She then looked down and removed her bra, and slowly pushed her panties down her legs. “Kneel pet”, he said sternly, as he continued to look intently at her.
She slowly got down on her knees. He took the long five strides to her slowly. To her it seemed an eternity before he reached her. He placed his hand on the top of her head. Slowly he slid his hand down the side of her face and she leaned into his hand. With the tips of his fingers, he lifted her chin to look into her eyes.
“You have been too long out of your collar”, he said as his brought his other hand out from behind his back her collar in his hand.. “Present for me pet”, he said. She moved forward onto all fours, pulled her shoulders down to expose her neck more as she kept her eyes on the ground. As the collar went around her neck, she felt her heart race and a warmth start to rise in her lower belly. As he slid the strap past each hole, the collar tightened around her neck, the heat between her legs rose and a mew escaped her lips.
She hoped he didn't hear it for she knew he would punish her for it. She hoped he did hear it for she knew he would punish her for it.
Once he had the collar cinched into place he stood before her. “Have you been bad my pet”, he asked her. The tone of his voice told her that he already knew the answer.
She kept her eyes lowered. “Yes Sir. I was a bad pet”, she said with a tremor in her voice.
“What did you do my pet,” he asked.
She knew he knew. She couldn't get out of this one. In a whisper she said “I took..”
“What!” he said sternly, the anger rising in his voice.
“I took a.....”
“WHAT! Speak up pet.” He growled at her.
“I'm sorry Sir. I took another man’s cock into my mouth and I enjoyed it”, she cried. She heard more than saw his feet walk off to the side of the room, heard him grab something off the table. She waited as he feet moved closer to her again, stopping right in front of her.
“You will be punished for this, pet”, he walked behind her out of her site.
She tried to brace for what was to come. She waited and waited. When nothing happened, she relaxed a bit, then before she knew it, she heard the whu and the loud crack of leather hitting flesh, then she felt the sting on her left ass cheek. Whu again and she felt the leather bite into her right ass cheek.
He paused to let her catch her breath. He could see the quick expansion and compression of her ribs as she recovered from the smacks. The redness already glowed on each cheek. He slid the paddle over her cheeks as he stroked her back as he watched her breath start to slow. With a quick flick of his wrist, the paddle again bit into her ass, he stroked her cheeks again and then snapped the paddle into her other cheek. He could now hear her whimpers.
“You more than enjoyed his cock in your mouth, didn’t you pet”, he said.
She nodded, “Yes si….” whu, crack, whu, crack. Whimpers escaped her as she fought to catch her breath again.
He stroked her back again, slid the paddle over her cheeks. His pants were tightening around the hardness of his cock. He slid the paddle between her legs, turning it to force her to open her legs more. He brought the paddle back up and stroked it across the wetness of her lips. She moaned and swayed her hips at the touch. Whu, crack. “Why do I do this my pet?” he asked.
“Because I am such a slut Sir,” she whimpered, her head down. Whu, crack. She jumped a little at the sting, a moan escaped her lips.
“You enjoy sucking cock, don’t you pet,” he stated, more than he asked.
“Yes Sir.” Whu, crack, whu, crack. Her body bucks as an orgasm rips through her body responding to the pleasure pain she has received from the spanks.
He moved back around front of her, undoing his pants, pulling out his hard cock, slowly stroking it. “Show me pet,” he commands her.
She quickly moved forward and reached out to take his cock in her hand. She stroked it, rubbed it against her face…. kissed it…. licked it….., eventually she pulled it into her mouth, working it in and out while she stroked it with her hand, keeping one hand on the ground to maintain her balance.
“Mmmmmm, that’s such a good pet,” he growled at her, as his hips start to move back and forth with the actions of her mouth and hand, causing her to moan in pleasure at being told she is a good pet.
Before he lost too much control, he pulled himself from her mouth and moved around behind her. He positioned his cock at the wet opening of her pussy, easing just the head in. He then grabbed her hips and pulled as he thrusted deep into her. "Now beg pet."
“Oh God yes Sir. Fuck me hard!” she screamed as he drove into her again and again. The passion of them both rising higher and higher. “Aaahh!” she cried hoarsely as her excitement crested and her body started to orgasm, spasming around him, which caused him to thrust deep into her as his own orgasm ripped through his body. They collapsed to the floor as their bodies shook and trembled, coming down from their orgasms, both making unintelligible sounds.
As they started to come down, he stroked her side as he kept his body pressed against her. “I hope I didn’t hurt you my pet.”
“No Sir”, she said as she pressed her body against him more. “Thank you for taking care of me as you do Sir” she said, and he kissed her neck.
Sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the dark. Like inside of me is this huge black void and I'm just wandering around it, fumbling in the dark. Sometimes I lose my footing and I feel the edge crumbling beneath me. I can feel the emptiness there, almost a physical presence breathing down my neck. There's things in the dark, demons circling, waiting for me to trip, their anger seeps into me, changing me.
I'm afraid of who I'm becoming here. I'm losing bits of myself, I feel them slipping away. My hope, my optimism, my trust, my faith, my love, my joy. I feel myself getting harder, The anger is always there now, a simmering pool that I can't seem to stay out of. It almost feels like home.
I don't know if I even want to feel anymore. I'm so tired of hurting, at least if I don't feel anything I don't feel pain. I've been through a lot of things in my life but I've never felt like this for this long before. This is used to be a place I visited, not where I live.
I struggle not to hurt myself. Physical pain reminds me I can still feel. And I want to feel, I truly do, I just don't want to feel this... It's funny too that I feel like physically I look better, depression and darkness look good on me apparently.
I can’t bring myself to send it to the one I want, so I’ll just leave it here.
I broke in two to ease the longing
To stop the gnawing
Of hope into my soul.
In two a thousand brittle shards
My shattered heart bled
And none can bear it.
Three empty wholes rest here
Where eyes and heart once dwell
And now drip tears of hollow hope
Into the void of silent doubt.
What kind of worth can you have
When the white line shackles tie you to the bed?
What dreams resurrect, when buried in the crimson comfort,
A cold steel kiss to send you to sleep and wake the sighing darkness.
a breath against the heart, there and gone
Each step heavier toward the rising dawn
And again to bed, where white line shackles
whisper sweet promises to call you home.
So I guess maybe it's time to add some more to the fairy tale. It gets a bit less action packed as time goes on.
So our "princess" had reached adulthood now. Escaping the frozen lakes of Michigan for the slightly less frozen hills of Wisconsin. It was now 1994 and a couple of months after she got back to Wisconsin she got her diploma in the mail. That summer she decided to go to stay with her grandparents in a more touristy part of the state over by the lake.
It was there she met the next in the line of toads disguised as princes. This one would give her the most precious gems in her world though, eventually. She thought he was the one at first, but it soon became more that he was someone who was comfortable and unchallenging. In 1997 she married her "Prince charming" and she was 7 months pregnant when she did.
In July of that year after 24 hours of labor the first of her true blessings was born. Alexander Ray... her marriage didn't improve with the addition of a baby. "Prince charming" started drinking and his temper showed more often. 3 years later they bought a house together and in September her second blessing was born after 14 hours of excruciating back labor. Lillian Marie.
Again the marriage continued to deteriorate. The drinking increased and the temper got worse towards her and the kids. Shortly later that year they separated for the first time. It got as far as papers being filed but he managed to convince her he would change. That he wouldn't drink so much, that he would never hit the kids or her again. And she, being the optimistic fool she somehow still was, believed him and moved back into their house together.
It was around this same time that she met someone who would come to mean more to her than anything ever had, but, spoilers...
So their life together resumed. The kids grew, they started school and had adventures. Alex turned out to be far more than a handful, he had his father's temper and his mother's stubborn nature, and was a constant challenge. Lily on the other hand was much more quiet, her challenges were yet to come. And so life went on. And in May of 2007, 10 years after the first her 3rd and final blessing was born. Elizabeth Kristine.
The marriage was by this point living on borrowed time. There had been too many fights, too many infidelities (on both sides), too much love lost that was probably never really there in the first place.
I had an interesting experience with a med student this week while I was in for one of my frequent clinic visits. He was researching impacts of poor health on individuals and their coping mechanisms, and he asked me a question I had not even really thought about: "how do you handle having medical conditions that are not common for persons your age?" I realized in that moment how often I had heard (from the upward of one hundred doctors and other health care workers I've interacted with over the past few years) that it's very strange to see my kind of spinal disease and arthritis in someone "so young" (I'm 34).
I had to think on the spot as it's not something I really had considered. Of all the things my depression causes me to wallow in, my physical health is rarely something I brood over. My answer appeared to surprise and delight this young man that was interviewing me, and that answer was "these things happen." Maybe it's because I had an injury at work I can point to. Maybe it's because sometimes there is no good answer for these things. I mean, really, it's not entirely unlike asking why kids get cancer. I have never had a point at which I've reflected on why I have such poor health. It's just there, and I can't control that right now. What I can control is how I respond to it. I get the requisite medical attention, and I've been working at losing weight.
I haven't really faced the possibility that I may never work full time again. That I may not be fully independent again. Perhaps if that time comes, I will face it, and I might lose some of my optimism. But, for now, it's "these things happen." And I'll continue to fight it.
If swearing bothers you please... read no further cause it's about to get vulgar in here...
Fuck this fucking night and everything fucking associated with it. Friday's are bullshit. Every Friday this month I'm the only goddamn night shift cna scheduled. Now thankfully people have been coming in early or staying late but most of the time that leaves just me for at least a couple of hours.
Tonight from 2 am to 4 am there was one cna (me) and one nurse, who isn't even one of our regular nurses and is only there like once a month. And we had someone who we knew probably wouldn't make it through the night and of course she passed at 2:15. So the nurse has to deal with the doctor and the coroner and that leaves me to answer I don't know how many lights, clean up the woman who passed (alone), clean up the woman who took her brief off and basically covered herself and her bed in shit (alone). And like the same 10 people were putting their call lights on every 5 minutes, all spread out on the 3 halls. I walked 8000 steps between midnight and 6, most of it between 2 and 4.
I managed to still be nice to every resident I dealt with, I know it's not their fault and a lot of them feel bad enough getting help with the things they need help with and they know we're short staffed.
I'm wound so goddamn tight right now I won't be able to fall asleep. My everything fucking hurts. And I have 10 hour shifts the next 2 nights. I just want someone to rub my feet and my back and hold me and make me feel like it's not all death and losing your mind.
Edit - and this is why I have dogs...
So my story is much more like the Grimm tales, dark and full of monsters with some moments of clawing your way into the light. But if you want that light you have to earn it...
So... once upon a time there was a girl. Curly haired and innocent and sweet, not a perfect angel and never would be but certainly less weathered then the current version.
As she grew she went through the things most kids do, skinned knees and imaginary friends. Some good friends but she was by nature a shy child, always towards the outside of any group. The mother was a bit on the crazy side sometimes, not evil stepmother material but she battled with her own demons and the girl tried to fight alongside her but she wouldn't understand for a long time what depression truly was, or anxiety, or stress or how hard it was to raise a child without a father.
And there was no real father in this fairy tale. There was a man who came to see her every few years and sometimes he would remember to send a Christmas present or a birthday card. She didn't realise it then but this is probably where her desperate need for the attention of men began. There was also a stepfather but he was also distant, a scientist who looked at her more as a case study then a daughter. He tried but fatherhood wasn't in his nature.
Then she hit those magical years otherwise known as puberty and found drama and rumors and boys... oh to have never discovered boys... it was a slippery slope to nowhere after that. Her first boy seemed sweet at first. The neighbor boy from up the road. All the things a first boy should be, holding hands and akward kisses. But then one day he brought his older cousin with him, the popular boy at her school, good looking, the one she had secretly crushed on a little but never said anything.
That memory is still one of those strange things where parts are crystal clear and parts are lost in a fog. She remembers the hands on her, rough, painful. She remembers the hand on her mouth covering her screams and the tears. But then it all fades away, a dark cloud until she was somehow back in her house, in the shower, crying, bleeding, wondering what she did wrong.
This went on for almost a year. Threats of hurting her or hurting her family if she said anything or if she stopped seeing them. Some times are again as clear as daylight. "How can you scream with my dick in your mouth" is one that always replays even now. Finally she moved to a different town and it ended. But the damage was done, the rumors at school that she was a whore, even though she never did say anything. The inability to feel worthy of love grew further.
Then at 15 on one of the few trips to see her father in another state she met the first "one" and fell head over heels. He was cute and sweet and he told her he loved her and she gave him all she had to give at the time, which looking back now wasn't really much but then it was everything. They spent a few short sweet weeks together and she returned home, promising to be true and always love him. And she was true. But he wasn't. Eventually the distance became to much, the calls and the letters stopped.
So she gathered up the pieces of her heart and moved on. Except she didn't.. a couple of years later she went back to Michigan and started seeing the first "one" again. But this time she met his friend too (unknowing that the first one was cheating on her and wanted her to date the friend). This however turned out to be a blessing in disguise as this new boy was so much more. This one was actually good and decent and finally 5 years after the loss of her virginity she learned that there was pleasure in sex. Although that relationship didn't last either this one she still remembers fondly and still speaks with every once in a great while.
During the long cold winter that was her senior year she came to know the man who was her father. And she came to see he really was worthless as a father. He drank himself unconscious every night, leaving her to get a full time job after school just so they could eat. He lost their house in February, which could have been a frozen death sentence but they managed to find a 3 room house (and that term is very loosely used) as this house had been stripped of most of the light fixtures, had no running water and barely any heat. The grades she had worked so hard for fell dramatically and she barely managed to graduate and flee back to Wisconsin.
This pretty much brings her story into adulthood. Well legal adulthood, since mentally she had been forced into adulthood a long time ago.
The story of course doesn't end here but it's enough for now...
Emily and Devin are sitting at The Citrus, one of their local restaurants that serves breakfast. “What should we do today?” Devin asked Emily.
“Well, I want to do some gardening this weekend, maybe plant some flowers along the side of the house. We’ve been talking about it for the last three years. I think it’s about time we finally do it,” Emily responded with a smile.
Devin nodded, “That’s a great idea. I think I’ll get some equipment at Home Pro and…” Devin moved back so the waitress could put their breakfast plates down.
“Would you like more coffee?” she asked, and both agreed.
“So yeah, I’ll get some equipment and some mulch, and I’ll work on those trees out back,” Devin continued.
“I have no idea how you eat your eggs like that,” Emily said while she looked at Devin’s plate. “Sunny side up is just so disgusting.”
Devin laughed “Hey, I have to get them when we’re out, because you won’t let me eat them in the house.”
“Don’t you even,” Emily retorted with a smile. “Anytime you want your eggs like that, you can cook them yourself. I’m not cooking anything that nasty.”
With that, Devin picked up a slice of toast, used the corner and dipped it into his eggs, breaking the yoke causing it to ooze all over his plate while he smeared it on the end of his toast, lifted it to his mouth, as it dripped the yoke off of it, and took a big bite. “But, it’s just so delicious”, he said as he chewed it up.
“That’s just horrible. You’re such a pig,” Emily laughed.
“Ahh, now that hit the spot,” Devin said as he leaned back and stretched his arms over his head.
“No going to sleep now. We have a lot to do today,” Emily said with a laugh. “Get the check.”
The waitress came back to the table, “Do you guys need anything else?”
“No thank you, just the check,” Devin replied.
The waitress pulled out the checks from her apron pocket. “Sure, not a problem,” she said as she sorted through the different checks, finding Emily and Devin’s. “Here you go. When you’re ready, you can pay up at the register. Have a great day” she said as she set down their check with a smile, turned, and headed off to another table.
Devin gave Emily some money, “Here’s some money, can you take care of that while I use the toilet?” he asked.
“Sure, not a problem,” Emily picked up the check and the money. “I’ll meet you outside.”
Devin finished washing his hands, exited the restroom and left The Citrus. He looked around, but didn’t see Emily, Hmmm, she must have headed to the car he thought, and walked to the back parking lot. He didn’t see Emily there either, but he walked to their car, but she wasn’t in it. Odd. I wonder if I missed her walking through the restaurant, Devin thought, heading back to the restaurant.
Devin walked up to the cashier, “Excuse me. I was just in here having breakfast with my wife.”
“Yes?” the cashier said.
“Uhm, did you see where she went?” Devin asked.
“She went outside, sir”, the cashier responded.
“Did she say anything before..” Devin’s phone started to buzz in his pocket. He pulled out his phone and saw he had a message from Emily’s phone.
Emily: Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: Don’t try to find your wife’s phone.
Emily: We have turned off the tracking
Devin started to type into his phone.
Emily: Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: Stop typing
Emily: Just read
Emily: We have some things we need to say
Emily: Before you start asking questions
Emily: Don’t bother calling the police
Emily: They will just tell you to wait 48 hours
Emily: Then your wife will be dead
Emily: If you do what we say
Emily: Follow every step
Emily: Your wife will be home in 24 hours
Emily: Do you understand?
Emily: You may type YES or NO
Who are you? Why did you take my wife? What do you want? Devin thinks as he sends his message.
Emily: Very good Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: Now go to your car
Emily: You will see a note on the seat
Devin looked up to the cashier, “Thank you” and turned and walked out of The Citrus, and headed to his car. When he got there, he saw there was a note on his seat. He opened the car door, grabbed the note and started to open it when his phone buzzed again.
Emily: Mr. Fredrikson
Devin stopped opening the note.
Emily: Before you read the note
Emily: DO NOT GO TO THE POLICE
Emily: If you do
Emily: We will kill her
Emily: If you understand type YES”
Devin typed and hit the send button.
Emily: Thank you Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: You may read the note now
Devin opens the note, a polaroid fell out, so he picked it up to see a scared Emily with a knife at her throat which was held by a masked person behind her.
WE HAVE TAKEN YOUR WIFE. IN ORDER FOR YOU TO GET HER BACK YOU MUST REMAIN CALM AND DO AS YOU ARE TOLD. AS YOU SEE FROM THE PHOTO YOUR WIFE IS FINE. SHE WILL REMAIN SO IF YOU DO AS YOU ARE TOLD. IN 30 MINUTES THE TELEPHONE THAT HAS BEEN INSTALLED IN YOUR HOUSE WILL RING. IF YOU ARE NOT THERE TO ANSWER IT, IT WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR YOUR WIFE.
Devin started at the note and the Polaroid in shock.He felt his phone buzz in his hand again.
Emily: Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: Have you finished reading the note?
Devin punched YES into his phone, exasperated and terrified.
Emily: Very good Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: I recommend you go home now
Emily: You will received a phone call in 30 minutes
Emily: You should be there to answer
Devin numbly got into his car, started it and drove home.
Twenty-five minutes later, Devin entered his house and the first things he saw was the old fashioned rotary phone sitting in the center of the dining room table. Devin shuffles to the table, blind to everything else in his house and collapses into the dining room chair facing the phone.
At exactly thirty minutes from the last message the phone starts to ring which caused Devin to scream in shock. Frantically he grabbed for the phone and knocked it off it’s cradle. Devin fumbled while he tried to grab it. When he finally caught hold of it he raised the phone to his ear. “He-hello?”
“Devin?! Oh god, I’m so glad you answered the phone,” Emily said on the other end of the phone.
“Emily! Are you …” Devin responded but was cut off by a mechanical voice on the other end of the line.
“Mr. Fredrikson. As you can hear, your wife is alive and well,” said the mechanical voice on the other end.
“Who are you?” Devin said into the phone on the verge of screaming.
“It doesn’t matter who we are Mr. Fredrikson. All that matters is that you do we tell you to. When you do that, we will release your wife. Don’t do that, and you will never see your wife again. Do you understand Mr. Fredrikson?” answered the mechanical voice.
“No! You tell me who you are or I won’t…..” Devin is cut off by a scream coming through the phone.
“Mr. Fredrikson. That was your wife screaming. We just broke her ring finger. The one that she wears that expensive wedding ring you bought her five years ago. If you interrupt me again, I will break her hand. Then I will break her forearm. Then I will break her upper arm. Then I will break her shin. Do you get my point Mr. Fredrikson?” the mechanical voice said into the phone.
“Yes! Yes! I understand. Just don’t hurt her any more,” Devin sobbed into the phone.
“Mr. Fredrikson, Your job is to hack into Maverik Corporation. Once you have done that, you need to find a folder titled Marshal Falls. Copy all of the contents of that folder and then delete the folder from Maverik Corporation.” Devin was told.
“But I don’t hack any more. I haven’t in ..” Devin started to say.
“Don’t lie to us Mr. Fredrikson. We know everything you do. We know you haven’t stopped. You may have slowed down, but you haven’t stopped. You have twelve hours to to do this task. In twelve hours, we will contact you again. If you haven’t completed this task… Well, we don’t have to keep telling you what will happen. Just get it done Mr. Fredrikson,” the mechanical voice said and then the line was abruptly dead.
“FUUUUUUUUUCK!” Devin screamed as he slammed the phone down on the receiver. He picked it up again and slammed it down again “Fuck!” He then walked over to his desktop computer and started it up, smashing down F12, changing his boot from Windows to Linux and waited impatiently for his system to reboot.
Once his system finished it’s reboot, he started his programs for pinging servers, trying to track down Maverik Corporation servers. Once he found them, he started looking for his way in.
After eleven hours of work, he finally found the Marshal Falls folder. It was massive. There was seven hundred gigabytes of information in that folder. Devin copied it and deleted it from Maverik Corporation's servers. He was now going through the files, but there was just so many files in there. What is all of this stuff? Devin thought to himself, suddenly he sees a folder with the title Gitega Fallout. Devin started to scan through the folder when the phone rang causing him to jump out of his seat, nearly giving him a heart attack. He jumps up and runs to the phone on the dining room table and answered it. “Hello?”
Devin is greeted by the mechanical voice. “Hello Mr. Fredrikson. Did you copy the folder?”
“Yes I did,” Devin responded. “What’s it..”
“Mr. Fredrikson, do I need to to give you another reminder?” the mechanical voice interrupted him.
“No, no. I’ve copied the folder over and deleted off of Maverik’s servers,” Devin responded.
“Very good Mr. Fredrikson,” the mechanical voice answered. “Now you need to hack into Sutan Enterprises and put the folder into there.”
“I can’t do this…” Devin starts to retort.
“Mr. Fredrikson.” the mechanical voice started.
“Fine, fine. I’ll do it. How long do I have?” Devin asked frustrated.
“You have six hours Mr. Fredrikson. I will call you back then,” and the line went dead again.
... Keep an eye our for Part 2
I've mentioned elsewhere within The Northlands that I created a character called Joshua Deeds. He came from a short story I once told Autumn, made up on the spot after she requested I tell her a "Jamie story". There is a thread in The Writer's Den dedicated to quotes I have come up with, credited to Joshua, that will hopefully one day be the backbone to a second tale about him. Anyway, I am attempting to retell the original Joshua Deeds story, The Coin. I never gave him a name in the first telling of this, so I'm trying to keep it out of this version as well in an attempt to keep it as close to the original as possible. Here are the first few paragraphs that I have written this very morning. I hope you enjoy and please let me know if you'd like to see the rest. I have to go and make lunch now.
There was once a young man, average, nothing special, but he was happy. He had a good job, he had good friends. He had a good life. He spent his time, when not working, doing the things he liked to do. Going out with his friends, staying in with his friends, staying in alone (he liked his own company, as well as that of others), walking to stay fit, lounging around watching movies on a Sunday, and many other things.
But, there wasn't anyone in his life he could share these things with, at least nobody special. Yes, he had his friends who he could confide in, but he found he could never fully open up to them, never reveal his deepest thoughts, desires, worries and concerns. Strangely, this was something he didn't realise about himself until it was pointed out to him in rather bizarre fashion.
The workday mornings followed pretty much the same routine. He got up, washed, dressed and had his breakfast before leaving his small flat to take the bus to work. On his way to the bus stop he would get a newspaper and a chocolate bar from the same shop, he'd catch the same bus and get off at the same stop a short distance from his office and call in to the coffee shop next door for the same cup of Americano which was , sometimes, already brewed and waiting for him before he even opened the door.
On this particular morning, as he walked up to the door of the news shop where he bought his paper and chocolate, he noticed something glinting on the pavement in the weak autumn sun. He stooped to pick it up and found it was a gold coin with strange markings minted in to it. It was unlike any coin he'd ever seen before and it seemed to shine even when his body cast a shadow upon it. On one side the image appeared to be that of two hearts intertwined in such a fashion that they could never be separated, at least that's what it looked like to him. On the other was the profile of a rather intimidating looking man, bald, heavy jowled, with small piercing eyes.
The young man continued to examine the coin as he walked into the shop to purchase his items. The young woman behind the counter, who worked the morning shift in the shop and knew the young man by sight if not by name, greeted him as she always did and, when she noticed the coin, remarked upon it's beauty.
“Yes,” said the young man, “it is quite eye catching, isn't it. I just found it outside.”
“Where's it from?”
“I have no clue. I've never seen one before. I'll probably do a bit of research tonight when I get home. Anyway, have a good day. I'll see you tomorrow,” and with that he paid for his things and left the shop to catch the bus to work.
The bus pulled up to the stop just as he approached and he stepped into the belly of the packed beast, paid his fare and found a seat next to a pretty brunette who was fresh face among the familiar crowd of commuters. As he was about to put the gold coin in his coat pocket she said, “That's beautiful. I've never seen one like that before.” The young man looked at her and smiled before replying, “ Yes, it's unusual. I found it just now, on the pavement outside the newsagents.” The coin appeared to be a little ice-breaker and he and the pretty brunette chatted for the entire journey, until the young man had to disembark. “See you tomorrow?” he asked. “I'll be here,” she said.
The young man watched as the bus pulled away into the morning traffic and turned towards the building where he would spend the next eight hours of the day. He was just about to walk through the door when he remembered his morning brew. “ I can't function in there without my bean,” he muttered to himself and turned around and headed towards Red's Diner. He pushed his way in and there was Red, the owner of the small coffee house and eatery, standing behind the counter, arms folded across her chest, looking very annoyed.
“ You forgot me?” she asked. “And here I thought I was the most important part of your day.”
“Sorry, Red. I'm a little distracted this morning.” He fished the gold coin from his coat pocket to show her. “ I found this this morning outside the shop where I get my paper. Someone on the bus noticed it and we got talking. I think she likes me,” he smiled broadly as he put the coin back in his pocket, not noticing the slightly pained expression that crossed Red's face. His coffee was already made and waiting for him and he picked it up to take a sip. “Perfect, as always. Much like yourself, Red,” he said.
“That'll be £2.50,” she replied. He chuckled, handed over the right change and turned to leave. “See you at lunch,” he called over his shoulder, and left for the office.
How do you know when you spend too much time online? When you have dreams about people you only know online... I just had a dream that I met @hirondelle because somehow we were in the same town and we ran into eachother and were like omg!!! And then we hung out and took selfies and laughed and had a wonderful time and@Timberwolfwas jealous cause he wasn't there. And it was so happy and then I woke up and was sad cause it was only a dream and I couldn't go back to it. And then I realised it was 3:33 am which is creepy cause it's the witching hour and now I can't fall back asleep.
And then I started over analysing my life because that's what your brain does when you wake up in the middle of the night right? And I felt pathetic because I have no life outside of my family and I haven't seen my best not online friends in months because I'm depressed and I work nights and live in another world from the rest of people who work in the daytime (aka sleeping hours). And I feel like I spend my alone time lately talking to myself on here cause everyone else has a life and I'm the only one on here.
And then of course I start thinking about my fucked up excuse for a relationship and I get depressed and angry and I feel like I'll never truly be happy. And then I wonder do I even deserve to be happy? I think I did something truly awful to someone in a past life and I'm being punished for it. And then I think well maybe if I ended the fucked up relationship I could wake up next to someone and not be alone but the thought of waking up next to someone not him kind of repulses me and I don't want to be with someone solely because I don't want to wake up alone.
And then my hand starts to go numb because I either have carpal tunnel or something is fucked in my back and it momentarily distracts me as I try to shake/stretch my hand out of pins and needles and now I realise I'm rambling like an idiot but that's what I made this blog for so I could ramble and not bother the rest of the board so it's ok... right?
And earlier tonight my daughter saw me on here and was like who are these people? Are you whoring around online with random guys? Where's the shower guy? (Cause I was on voice chat with @MaleConfessor one time and I was in the bathroom part hiding from them because they wouldn't stop asking who i was talking to and part because I was getting ready to take a shower before work) and then she was teasing me because for her people online are never who they say they are and I tried to explain I've known these people forever and they're awesome and we met on a book message board so then she said I was a geek lol and I was like yeah so... And then my son was like you should talk to Spike (guy he works with that I've met like twice but they insist I flirted with and I probably did but it wasn't flirting with intent) cause Spikes looking. And then my daughter went back to me whoring around online and poor Garrett and ugh...
And this is a tiny glimpse into my head and why I my brain is never still...
Ok I need to rant... Work was insane tonight. I walked almost 10,000 steps in 8 hours, I changed or toileted or helped in some way probably 50 people multiple times each. We are so short staffed right now it's awful... we have 66 residents currently and tonight it was just me, 1 nurse and 1 other cna who doesn't normally work nights so I just had her answer call lights while I did everything else.
What really pisses me off is management makes like 40$ an hour and does basically nothing and I make 15$ an hour and do everything. And they're not even really pushing to hire anyone... I mean they have openings posted but they always do and when someone tried to apply they said they weren't hiring because the census (number of residents) was low... wtf... And now they're talking about mandating (forcing people to stay beyond their normal shift or they lose their job)
I'm exhausted, my back hurts, my feet hurt. It makes me sad and angry the way we treat our elderly. We under pay and don't appreciate the people who do the hands on day to day care. We are treated like the lowest of the low when really where would they be without us? Nursing homes charge a small fortune to insurance companies for these people to be cared for but the staff is so overworked and burnt out that a lot of them don't even really care anymore.
These pictures are literally me right now... lol. Thank God I have the next two nights off... And I love my job, I really do.
Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time. I felt kind of pretty when I got ready for work today so I took a selfie. Then when I looked at it I cringed (as I usually do). So I made it black and white and then I felt like I looked kind of pretty again.
So I look ok in black and white, or in bad lightning. My body was made for another time too, for a time when women were softer, rounder. Maybe it's my German heritage but I was built to be a bar maid in lederhosen. Cleavage for days but hide the stomach and arms lol.
Why are we all so critical of ourselves? I ask as I adjust my too short sleeves down over my upper arms for the 15 thousandth time tonight. I mean if we're healthy and happy and we can do everything we need to do why is it so awful that my arms aren't toned. I gave birth to 3 amazing human beings why do I absolutely hate my stomach and my stretch marks? Why do I always feel self conscious about my stomach or the fact that those 3 amazing humans separated my abdominal muscles so that I may always look a little pregnant?
I wish I could just truly be comfortable in my own skin. Some days I love me but lately those days are few and far between. Most days lately I cringe when I see myself, or when I think about myself too much, and then I just want to hide in the dark cave that is my bedroom and not see or talk to anyone.
But I guess I'll leave it at that, try to see myself through a softer lens... And maybe in black and white.
A little while ago, the lovely Goddess asked about culture coming through when studying language. One of the things that's very difficult to translate into English (and is thus blog-worthy) is all the nuance that gets packed into the language in a very compact way. I'll provide a couple of examples looking at names and pronouns.
Anyone who has heard even a little bit of Japanese conversation has heard the "san" (さん) suffix. It's a default appellation that most closely translates in English to "miss/ms./mrs." or "mister." It is put on the end of a name, so Tanaka-san, or John-san. It's used when addressing someone of similar social standing (i.e., not your upperclassman, boss or governor, and not a child). One of the great things is, it's also used in address when unsure of the addressee's social rank. When using it with someone one isn't familiar with, it carries the connotation of "I'm presently unaware of how you should be properly be addressed, so please forgive me if you are deserving of a more polite honorific." So much nuance in one short syllable!
"san" is also used with generic second person pronouns, which are the same words as "older brother" (onii-san, お兄さん, and yes, there's different words based on relative age), "aunt" (oba-san, おばさん), and so forth. Used when the person's name isn't known, usage of specific pronouns is dependent on the perceived age of the individual. Being called "oba-san" for the first time is a source of much consternation for Japanese women, kind of like being called "ma'am" for the first time in English.
There's also some fun to be had, too. "sama" (様) is a respectful, elevated form of "san," used for bosses, your customers, and so forth. In older times it translated to "lord." Much to the amusement of @Kenai, I recently explained that "ki-sama" means "precious lord," but in a way that's dripping with sarcasm. It's an archaism that when used today, specifically refers to someone in second person rudely. Like "bitch," perhaps.
On that note, Japanese is a language that's actually rather devoid of straight profanity like English has so colorfully. No, the Japanese are much more subtle than that--as I've hopefully given you a taste of in this post, they use suggestion, unspoken words and connotation in their language to tell you to fuck off.
I'm so tired today. I don't know it it's because I've only had 2 days off of work in the past 11 days (and they weren't in a row) or if it's stress or everything else going on in my life but I just can't function today. I didn't clean the house today, I didn't cook, I didn't really do much of anything. And I have to work tonight and tomorrow night. I just asked for and got a change in my schedule though so now I work 9 days every 2 weeks instead of 10 and I have 2 days in a row off once a week. So hopefully that will help. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this... between work and kids and personal issues I'm just a mess lately. I need a vacation, or a night out to just forget about everything. But I can't afford to take a vacation and I've basically alienated all my friends here.