Our community blogs
So I have added a Members Map.
You can find the link in the menu bar:
You will then find this page:
On the right side, you will see all the people in the map:
You can also add your one location;
You just enter your city, state, province, country what not, and a drop down list will appear.:
I look forward to seeing where you all are.
- Read more...
- 0 comments
Sometimes I feel like I'm lost in the dark. Like inside of me is this huge black void and I'm just wandering around it, fumbling in the dark. Sometimes I lose my footing and I feel the edge crumbling beneath me. I can feel the emptiness there, almost a physical presence breathing down my neck. There's things in the dark, demons circling, waiting for me to trip, their anger seeps into me, changing me.
I'm afraid of who I'm becoming here. I'm losing bits of myself, I feel them slipping away. My hope, my optimism, my trust, my faith, my love, my joy. I feel myself getting harder, The anger is always there now, a simmering pool that I can't seem to stay out of. It almost feels like home.
I don't know if I even want to feel anymore. I'm so tired of hurting, at least if I don't feel anything I don't feel pain. I've been through a lot of things in my life but I've never felt like this for this long before. This is used to be a place I visited, not where I live.
I struggle not to hurt myself. Physical pain reminds me I can still feel. And I want to feel, I truly do, I just don't want to feel this... It's funny too that I feel like physically I look better, depression and darkness look good on me apparently.
I can’t bring myself to send it to the one I want, so I’ll just leave it here.
I broke in two to ease the longing
To stop the gnawing
Of hope into my soul.
In two a thousand brittle shards
My shattered heart bled
And none can bear it.
Three empty wholes rest here
Where eyes and heart once dwell
And now drip tears of hollow hope
Into the void of silent doubt.
What kind of worth can you have
When the white line shackles tie you to the bed?
What dreams resurrect, when buried in the crimson comfort,
A cold steel kiss to send you to sleep and wake the sighing darkness.
a breath against the heart, there and gone
Each step heavier toward the rising dawn
And again to bed, where white line shackles
whisper sweet promises to call you home.
- Read more...
- 0 comments
I had an interesting experience with a med student this week while I was in for one of my frequent clinic visits. He was researching impacts of poor health on individuals and their coping mechanisms, and he asked me a question I had not even really thought about: "how do you handle having medical conditions that are not common for persons your age?" I realized in that moment how often I had heard (from the upward of one hundred doctors and other health care workers I've interacted with over the past few years) that it's very strange to see my kind of spinal disease and arthritis in someone "so young" (I'm 34).
I had to think on the spot as it's not something I really had considered. Of all the things my depression causes me to wallow in, my physical health is rarely something I brood over. My answer appeared to surprise and delight this young man that was interviewing me, and that answer was "these things happen." Maybe it's because I had an injury at work I can point to. Maybe it's because sometimes there is no good answer for these things. I mean, really, it's not entirely unlike asking why kids get cancer. I have never had a point at which I've reflected on why I have such poor health. It's just there, and I can't control that right now. What I can control is how I respond to it. I get the requisite medical attention, and I've been working at losing weight.
I haven't really faced the possibility that I may never work full time again. That I may not be fully independent again. Perhaps if that time comes, I will face it, and I might lose some of my optimism. But, for now, it's "these things happen." And I'll continue to fight it.
- Read more...
- 0 comments
Emily and Devin are sitting at The Citrus, one of their local restaurants that serves breakfast. “What should we do today?” Devin asked Emily.
“Well, I want to do some gardening this weekend, maybe plant some flowers along the side of the house. We’ve been talking about it for the last three years. I think it’s about time we finally do it,” Emily responded with a smile.
Devin nodded, “That’s a great idea. I think I’ll get some equipment at Home Pro and…” Devin moved back so the waitress could put their breakfast plates down.
“Would you like more coffee?” she asked, and both agreed.
“So yeah, I’ll get some equipment and some mulch, and I’ll work on those trees out back,” Devin continued.
“I have no idea how you eat your eggs like that,” Emily said while she looked at Devin’s plate. “Sunny side up is just so disgusting.”
Devin laughed “Hey, I have to get them when we’re out, because you won’t let me eat them in the house.”
“Don’t you even,” Emily retorted with a smile. “Anytime you want your eggs like that, you can cook them yourself. I’m not cooking anything that nasty.”
With that, Devin picked up a slice of toast, used the corner and dipped it into his eggs, breaking the yoke causing it to ooze all over his plate while he smeared it on the end of his toast, lifted it to his mouth, as it dripped the yoke off of it, and took a big bite. “But, it’s just so delicious”, he said as he chewed it up.
“That’s just horrible. You’re such a pig,” Emily laughed.
“Ahh, now that hit the spot,” Devin said as he leaned back and stretched his arms over his head.
“No going to sleep now. We have a lot to do today,” Emily said with a laugh. “Get the check.”
The waitress came back to the table, “Do you guys need anything else?”
“No thank you, just the check,” Devin replied.
The waitress pulled out the checks from her apron pocket. “Sure, not a problem,” she said as she sorted through the different checks, finding Emily and Devin’s. “Here you go. When you’re ready, you can pay up at the register. Have a great day” she said as she set down their check with a smile, turned, and headed off to another table.
Devin gave Emily some money, “Here’s some money, can you take care of that while I use the toilet?” he asked.
“Sure, not a problem,” Emily picked up the check and the money. “I’ll meet you outside.”
Devin finished washing his hands, exited the restroom and left The Citrus. He looked around, but didn’t see Emily, Hmmm, she must have headed to the car he thought, and walked to the back parking lot. He didn’t see Emily there either, but he walked to their car, but she wasn’t in it. Odd. I wonder if I missed her walking through the restaurant, Devin thought, heading back to the restaurant.
Devin walked up to the cashier, “Excuse me. I was just in here having breakfast with my wife.”
“Yes?” the cashier said.
“Uhm, did you see where she went?” Devin asked.
“She went outside, sir”, the cashier responded.
“Did she say anything before..” Devin’s phone started to buzz in his pocket. He pulled out his phone and saw he had a message from Emily’s phone.
Emily: Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: Don’t try to find your wife’s phone.
Emily: We have turned off the tracking
Devin started to type into his phone.
Emily: Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: Stop typing
Emily: Just read
Emily: We have some things we need to say
Emily: Before you start asking questions
Emily: Don’t bother calling the police
Emily: They will just tell you to wait 48 hours
Emily: Then your wife will be dead
Emily: If you do what we say
Emily: Follow every step
Emily: Your wife will be home in 24 hours
Emily: Do you understand?
Emily: You may type YES or NO
Who are you? Why did you take my wife? What do you want? Devin thinks as he sends his message.
Emily: Very good Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: Now go to your car
Emily: You will see a note on the seat
Devin looked up to the cashier, “Thank you” and turned and walked out of The Citrus, and headed to his car. When he got there, he saw there was a note on his seat. He opened the car door, grabbed the note and started to open it when his phone buzzed again.
Emily: Mr. Fredrikson
Devin stopped opening the note.
Emily: Before you read the note
Emily: DO NOT GO TO THE POLICE
Emily: If you do
Emily: We will kill her
Emily: If you understand type YES”
Devin typed and hit the send button.
Emily: Thank you Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: You may read the note now
Devin opens the note, a polaroid fell out, so he picked it up to see a scared Emily with a knife at her throat which was held by a masked person behind her.
WE HAVE TAKEN YOUR WIFE. IN ORDER FOR YOU TO GET HER BACK YOU MUST REMAIN CALM AND DO AS YOU ARE TOLD. AS YOU SEE FROM THE PHOTO YOUR WIFE IS FINE. SHE WILL REMAIN SO IF YOU DO AS YOU ARE TOLD. IN 30 MINUTES THE TELEPHONE THAT HAS BEEN INSTALLED IN YOUR HOUSE WILL RING. IF YOU ARE NOT THERE TO ANSWER IT, IT WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR YOUR WIFE.
Devin started at the note and the Polaroid in shock.He felt his phone buzz in his hand again.
Emily: Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: Have you finished reading the note?
Devin punched YES into his phone, exasperated and terrified.
Emily: Very good Mr. Fredrikson
Emily: I recommend you go home now
Emily: You will received a phone call in 30 minutes
Emily: You should be there to answer
Devin numbly got into his car, started it and drove home.
Twenty-five minutes later, Devin entered his house and the first things he saw was the old fashioned rotary phone sitting in the center of the dining room table. Devin shuffles to the table, blind to everything else in his house and collapses into the dining room chair facing the phone.
At exactly thirty minutes from the last message the phone starts to ring which caused Devin to scream in shock. Frantically he grabbed for the phone and knocked it off it’s cradle. Devin fumbled while he tried to grab it. When he finally caught hold of it he raised the phone to his ear. “He-hello?”
“Devin?! Oh god, I’m so glad you answered the phone,” Emily said on the other end of the phone.
“Emily! Are you …” Devin responded but was cut off by a mechanical voice on the other end of the line.
“Mr. Fredrikson. As you can hear, your wife is alive and well,” said the mechanical voice on the other end.
“Who are you?” Devin said into the phone on the verge of screaming.
“It doesn’t matter who we are Mr. Fredrikson. All that matters is that you do we tell you to. When you do that, we will release your wife. Don’t do that, and you will never see your wife again. Do you understand Mr. Fredrikson?” answered the mechanical voice.
“No! You tell me who you are or I won’t…..” Devin is cut off by a scream coming through the phone.
“Mr. Fredrikson. That was your wife screaming. We just broke her ring finger. The one that she wears that expensive wedding ring you bought her five years ago. If you interrupt me again, I will break her hand. Then I will break her forearm. Then I will break her upper arm. Then I will break her shin. Do you get my point Mr. Fredrikson?” the mechanical voice said into the phone.
“Yes! Yes! I understand. Just don’t hurt her any more,” Devin sobbed into the phone.
“Mr. Fredrikson, Your job is to hack into Maverik Corporation. Once you have done that, you need to find a folder titled Marshal Falls. Copy all of the contents of that folder and then delete the folder from Maverik Corporation.” Devin was told.
“But I don’t hack any more. I haven’t in ..” Devin started to say.
“Don’t lie to us Mr. Fredrikson. We know everything you do. We know you haven’t stopped. You may have slowed down, but you haven’t stopped. You have twelve hours to to do this task. In twelve hours, we will contact you again. If you haven’t completed this task… Well, we don’t have to keep telling you what will happen. Just get it done Mr. Fredrikson,” the mechanical voice said and then the line was abruptly dead.
“FUUUUUUUUUCK!” Devin screamed as he slammed the phone down on the receiver. He picked it up again and slammed it down again “Fuck!” He then walked over to his desktop computer and started it up, smashing down F12, changing his boot from Windows to Linux and waited impatiently for his system to reboot.
Once his system finished it’s reboot, he started his programs for pinging servers, trying to track down Maverik Corporation servers. Once he found them, he started looking for his way in.
After eleven hours of work, he finally found the Marshal Falls folder. It was massive. There was seven hundred gigabytes of information in that folder. Devin copied it and deleted it from Maverik Corporation's servers. He was now going through the files, but there was just so many files in there. What is all of this stuff? Devin thought to himself, suddenly he sees a folder with the title Gitega Fallout. Devin started to scan through the folder when the phone rang causing him to jump out of his seat, nearly giving him a heart attack. He jumps up and runs to the phone on the dining room table and answered it. “Hello?”
Devin is greeted by the mechanical voice. “Hello Mr. Fredrikson. Did you copy the folder?”
“Yes I did,” Devin responded. “What’s it..”
“Mr. Fredrikson, do I need to to give you another reminder?” the mechanical voice interrupted him.
“No, no. I’ve copied the folder over and deleted off of Maverik’s servers,” Devin responded.
“Very good Mr. Fredrikson,” the mechanical voice answered. “Now you need to hack into Sutan Enterprises and put the folder into there.”
“I can’t do this…” Devin starts to retort.
“Mr. Fredrikson.” the mechanical voice started.
“Fine, fine. I’ll do it. How long do I have?” Devin asked frustrated.
“You have six hours Mr. Fredrikson. I will call you back then,” and the line went dead again.
... Keep an eye our for Part 2
I've mentioned elsewhere within The Northlands that I created a character called Joshua Deeds. He came from a short story I once told Autumn, made up on the spot after she requested I tell her a "Jamie story". There is a thread in The Writer's Den dedicated to quotes I have come up with, credited to Joshua, that will hopefully one day be the backbone to a second tale about him. Anyway, I am attempting to retell the original Joshua Deeds story, The Coin. I never gave him a name in the first telling of this, so I'm trying to keep it out of this version as well in an attempt to keep it as close to the original as possible. Here are the first few paragraphs that I have written this very morning. I hope you enjoy and please let me know if you'd like to see the rest. I have to go and make lunch now.
There was once a young man, average, nothing special, but he was happy. He had a good job, he had good friends. He had a good life. He spent his time, when not working, doing the things he liked to do. Going out with his friends, staying in with his friends, staying in alone (he liked his own company, as well as that of others), walking to stay fit, lounging around watching movies on a Sunday, and many other things.
But, there wasn't anyone in his life he could share these things with, at least nobody special. Yes, he had his friends who he could confide in, but he found he could never fully open up to them, never reveal his deepest thoughts, desires, worries and concerns. Strangely, this was something he didn't realise about himself until it was pointed out to him in rather bizarre fashion.
The workday mornings followed pretty much the same routine. He got up, washed, dressed and had his breakfast before leaving his small flat to take the bus to work. On his way to the bus stop he would get a newspaper and a chocolate bar from the same shop, he'd catch the same bus and get off at the same stop a short distance from his office and call in to the coffee shop next door for the same cup of Americano which was , sometimes, already brewed and waiting for him before he even opened the door.
On this particular morning, as he walked up to the door of the news shop where he bought his paper and chocolate, he noticed something glinting on the pavement in the weak autumn sun. He stooped to pick it up and found it was a gold coin with strange markings minted in to it. It was unlike any coin he'd ever seen before and it seemed to shine even when his body cast a shadow upon it. On one side the image appeared to be that of two hearts intertwined in such a fashion that they could never be separated, at least that's what it looked like to him. On the other was the profile of a rather intimidating looking man, bald, heavy jowled, with small piercing eyes.
The young man continued to examine the coin as he walked into the shop to purchase his items. The young woman behind the counter, who worked the morning shift in the shop and knew the young man by sight if not by name, greeted him as she always did and, when she noticed the coin, remarked upon it's beauty.
“Yes,” said the young man, “it is quite eye catching, isn't it. I just found it outside.”
“Where's it from?”
“I have no clue. I've never seen one before. I'll probably do a bit of research tonight when I get home. Anyway, have a good day. I'll see you tomorrow,” and with that he paid for his things and left the shop to catch the bus to work.
The bus pulled up to the stop just as he approached and he stepped into the belly of the packed beast, paid his fare and found a seat next to a pretty brunette who was fresh face among the familiar crowd of commuters. As he was about to put the gold coin in his coat pocket she said, “That's beautiful. I've never seen one like that before.” The young man looked at her and smiled before replying, “ Yes, it's unusual. I found it just now, on the pavement outside the newsagents.” The coin appeared to be a little ice-breaker and he and the pretty brunette chatted for the entire journey, until the young man had to disembark. “See you tomorrow?” he asked. “I'll be here,” she said.
The young man watched as the bus pulled away into the morning traffic and turned towards the building where he would spend the next eight hours of the day. He was just about to walk through the door when he remembered his morning brew. “ I can't function in there without my bean,” he muttered to himself and turned around and headed towards Red's Diner. He pushed his way in and there was Red, the owner of the small coffee house and eatery, standing behind the counter, arms folded across her chest, looking very annoyed.
“ You forgot me?” she asked. “And here I thought I was the most important part of your day.”
“Sorry, Red. I'm a little distracted this morning.” He fished the gold coin from his coat pocket to show her. “ I found this this morning outside the shop where I get my paper. Someone on the bus noticed it and we got talking. I think she likes me,” he smiled broadly as he put the coin back in his pocket, not noticing the slightly pained expression that crossed Red's face. His coffee was already made and waiting for him and he picked it up to take a sip. “Perfect, as always. Much like yourself, Red,” he said.
“That'll be £2.50,” she replied. He chuckled, handed over the right change and turned to leave. “See you at lunch,” he called over his shoulder, and left for the office.
Every once in a while I travel around google images and look for ideas that I cloud possible replicate with my own hands. Mostly under the search term of Homesteading, Traditional architecture of the past or Survival tricks of the trades. Other times I am inspired by the books I read or posts that I see to seek images such as nomadic hand carvings thanks to the Bride Story manga. Artworks and practical pieces that will encourage sturdy long lasting builds upon any piece of land that I hope to own.
Then there is the latte stone structure of a palm tree house that was meant for the chieftain. Which takes me down my ancestorial paths to the times where my people existed before the sailor's invade and changed our lives. I wouldn't be where I am if it didn't happen, but I still want to know how my people lived and survived on the islands of the Marianas. My bloodline suggests power, authority and yes political corruption within those consumed by the latter but I know that my maternal lineage is one that may have lead me on paths towards spiritual healer and leader. Things that I hide from in today's life because I don't want to lose my family both on here or my bloodline. Yet, every moment that I live I know and use some of the teachings from my parents and their parents before them and so on. So, I walk these paths as I do others while searching online for what I may use over time or come to accept. I will share them with you sab i find them. 😸
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
First some background/side information;
- As the people who follow me on facebook probably haven't been able to miss, last year was the first time i ever went on a faraway vacation/travel (i rather call it traveling, because a vacation you mostly spend on the beach reading a book, i want to see the country i'm in, i'm exploring).
Before that i never been farther away than a 6 hour drive, except for when i was about 10 years old we went with our family to. what was back than called, Yugoslavia. Plus i went twice on a 3 day "study-trip" with my work to Budapest in Hungary and Capri in Greece, that was the first time i was on a plane and hardly got to see anything of the place we where in, and according to colleague's that didn't count as a vacation/travel. Probably no need to say; i'm hooked, i want to go see the world, mostly Asia.
- I love mountains! I love mountains covered in forest, there's something romantic and mysterious about it. Unfortunately i life in probably the flattest country in the world, our highest hill is 322 meters (1058 ft), we don't have mountains.. (Yes, i got serious problems here...). The first time i saw mountains with my own eyes was last year on my travel to South-Korea...it was even more beautiful than i had thought it would be, being able to see mountains covered in forest as far as the eye could see, until the horizon, it was amazing!
So far for the background information, i warned you it was a dragon rambling .
Like i said, i've gotten a good taste of traveling and i'm hooked, but i don't have a steady companion to go along with me. Which is no problem, i had a wonderful time with 17 other people i never met before. One friend want to go to Africa someday, we planned for 2019, another friend wants to go to Japan and Costa Rica someday, i'm in. After watching a television program called "Let's go with mum" where celebs go traveling with their moms, i thought that was a wonderful idea because my mom has also never traveled. So i asked her if she didn't had a country she has always wanted to go to someday, but she said she never had had a thought to travel far away.
A couple of weeks ago i told her that there is a mountain right next to Seoul that's 836,5 meters (2744 ft) high and i could just take the subway to go hiking on a real mountain there. (I'm so excited, i'm going there next March). That's when she mentioned that that was something she would like to do someday; go to Bavaria in south Germany to see real mountains. At that point i didn't think much about it, Germany was the last place i wanted to go to.
But a couple of days later i suddenly remembered something; i did want to go there, long long ago when i was a little girl i wanted to go to Bavaria very much. I wanted to go to Possenhofen in Bavaria to see Empress Sisi's parental home. Not sure if you're familiar with it, Elisabeth von Beiern is kind of a legend, she was very young when she became the empress of Austria true an unplanned marriage. There's a very well-known trilogy based on her life called "Sisi the young Empress", and i must have watched that movie like 1000's of times (yes thousands) when i was young. I think it was when i was like 11 or 12 years old, everyday i came home from school i turned on the vcr (yes, we had it on tape, recorded from tv :p) to watch it until the rest of the family also wanted to watch tv. I did this for a couple of years, driving my mom crazy, but i loved the movie so much i literally couldn't get enough of it, i could narrate every word they said. It's been around 25 years ago now and i still know that when i forwarded the intro titles i had to press the play-button when i saw the name "Ernts Marischka" on screen to catch the exact start, i still remember exactly what the dress looked like she wore to the first ball, the dress she wore when walking around Corfu and what her father yelled when she was horseback riding "Jump over the roses!" (but then in german), and so much more.
So i looked into it and found a perfect vacation, it's actually very cheap compared to my other travels (yes of course it is, this one you go by train instead of plain...duh), i talked to my mom about it this morning and she thought it was a wonderful idea to go there together! It's a really cute village on the foot of Germany's highest mountain (2962 meters/9718 ft). Innsbruck, where one of the palace's is where Sisi lived, is reachable by Karwendelbahn (don't know how to translate, google it) and her hometown is fairly easy reachable by train. I'm totally excited to go now, but have to wait at least half a year because it's to cold for us now there, neither of us wants cold and snow.
It's a childhood dream i had forgotten about that comes true.
(And i get to travel with my mom! )
After ditching my homework for a few days to come on here, I finally got a half assed version of it done. I'm definitely no good at Java programming, but I'll turn in what I have if the prof doesn't respond. I am seriously done stressing out over it.
Good news on the therapy front. I have an appointment with a therapist that accepts my insurance for later next month. That will help me immensely.
I also wanted to share that my new glasses came in today. I have had the same frames (different lenses) for over 10 years. I like them a lot.
I'll update this this more as the week goes on. I'm in the mood to update it more than Facebook simply for the fact that for every 9 things I post, I get maybe 3 people reading something. Here the response rate is much more pleasurable.