Moonhawk

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Reincarnation

519

I was able to stay out of the house for 3 hours and 15 minutes

Well more progress today. I stayed out for a total of 3 hours. I took the kids to jujitsu, took care of some shopping with the wife, came back picked up the kids, then when I came home went for a 4 mile walk. Now I am still doubtful of myself because all these things are close to my home and I guess what they call in all anxiety books as a safe zone. I am trying to push my limits every day. Saturday is the dreaded 4 hour drive trip with the family and I dont know yet if I will make it. Onwards and forwards it is.

Being able to drive today for longer than 5 minutes

Well today started as an amazing day. I went for a 30 minute walk and then decided to jump on the car a drive and I drove for about 50 minutes around my town close to the house but still was able to drive around. I even stopped at Walgreens and shopped for some things for about 10 to 15 minutes. I was on a happy high all day. I am coming down now and the anxious thoughts come in and out but I think I can conquer this

Not being able to find the solution to my broken mind

The pass to days have been rough and I had a complete meltdown because it is starting to affect my marriage. My wife is very frustrated, so we had a talk and we cried like crazy and we held each other. Today we spent the day watching TV together. I know this will pass too someday but I need it to happen already. I even started praying again something I dont do, never been the religious type but at this point I am desperate and I am willing to try anything. Thank you for your reply

This right here has been in my thoughts alot recently. Should I close my accounts, should I leave it all behind and just do something else with my time. A few weeks back I was stopped myself from social media and would read a book instead but it always calls back to me. I think social media fucks with my anxiety sometimes really bad so I might ignore it more now than before. So my plan is every time I open social media I would switch apps to my kindle app to read a boom.

Good omens is epic loved the show need to watch American Gods

Today was better I walked 1 mile with my dog in the morning and just came back from a 4 mile walk. However before the walk my wife mentioned that have to take the dog to the groomer on Saturday and I had a panic attack rush to the bathroom while I'm just sitting at home. Anyways a day at a time. Plus side I'm losing weight because I barely eat so I dont have to use the bathroom as often and I'm exercising. So I guess there is one win. On the other hand I hate being on medication fuck I hate this. Another day another dollar

I finally watched all the seasons it has been this years series to watch and I love it.

Well today is day two of Viibryd intake and so far so good no crazy panic attacks and went for a 20 minute walk with my dog. However the storm of thoughts come and go and I get a spike here and there but not as bad. I appreciate your reply, I cant post these kinds of things on Facebook and shit because then the phone calls begin and I cant deal with explanation after explanation on what it feels like. I tried too many times with family members and even though they are trying to help most dont understand. Anyways today was a better day and I am hoping tomorrow is better. Thank you for replying foxy lady. Just glad I still have a place to vent

So for many years I struggled with social and general anxiety combined with IBS. Basically I get anxious or stressed I have to find a bathroom asap. I have managed it by many different means and have somewhat remained functional and able to go places. Well in March I decided to complete quit smoking and in the beginning I was fine then the sudden waves of anxiety came, my world started to become smaller again. I stopped going to certain places, movies , malls, any outdoor place really. I just went to work and home and the occasional trip to do groceries and such. However every time I got in my car I got worse and sometimes I just decided to stay home. Well in the beginning of June I decided to consult with my doctor and she prescribed viibryd. Because I wasnt able to leave the house. I made a mistake and decided to Google the side effects and boy did that make me more anxious. So I began taking them and once I had to up the dose as prescribed to 20mg that's when my mind broke down and I had the worse panic attack I had in years. So bad I ended in the hospital with a very high BP. I dont have health insurance and I knew this would cost me a lot but I still couldnt control myself. Well at the hospital they did all sor tr s of test and they found just vertigo and sinusitis. So like all mental health issues they send you home with a random pill. This time something for the dizziness. At the hospital I had an uncontrollable trembling of my entire body when they put me in the cat scan machine so bad they had to take me out. Anyways went back to work the week after and a few days later had another break down. I stopped taking viibryd all together the day of the hospital and I couldnt cope, still cant. I havent been able to make it back to my office yet but i am working from home. Last week my mother suggested a psychiatrist. I emailed and got an phone appointment since I havent been able to leave my home. We had our first sessions Thursday and she recommended excersises and take a walk with my dog for 10 mins and trying to increment the time every day. She also told me to start the Viibryd again today. So far I have read 5 books on anxiety and panic attacks, will start medication today again, and started dieting and excersise Still not feeling much better yet but I am hopeful this too shall pass and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have to get better I have a trip planned at the end of the month and I have to get back to my office. I know many of you struggle and are still struggling with your own mental demons but fuck I hate my brain more and more every damn day.

Not a lot of time to play but playing Super Smash Bros and MARIO Party with the kids on the Nintendo switch

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Why do I always live where hurricanes happen?

I created this a while ago pending blog entry and life got in the way I have pretty much stayed away because of being so busy, to the point I barely see my relatives. Perks of building a business. Well for the past 2 and half years i have been building a credit repair business with 2 partners and we currently employee about 40 people in a call center in the Philippines and 10 people here in the US. So it's going good, not profitable enough yet to make good money but it keeps growing. Anyways to the point of the post. For the past 10 years I have suffered from general anxiety, social anxiety and IBS. They all feed off of each other and its epic fail when the perfect storm of chaos. For quite some time I have been able to control it somewhat and have been able to be "social" and "functional". However for the past 6 months my condition has worsen to the point that I cant make it down the street without having an bad panic attack. Now I am stuck at home working from home and attending to the kids during the summer. I had a similar breakdown about 4 years back and it took some time to get out and back to "normal". Well my phobia is social and at the same time in my own head. IBS is the trigger and anxiety triggers the IBS so it becomes a thought storm of where is the closest bathroom or will I make it there. A few weeks ago I ended in the hospital because I had a bad panic attack and my BP got so high I got scared and went. The panic attack was caused because my doctor prescribed an anti depressant and I did the biggest mistake you can make when taking a new medicine, I googled. The side effects were swirling in my brain until I had a breakdown and went to the hospital. At the hospital the did all sorts of test, then we got to the cat scan when it peaked I was trembling uncontrollably on the CAT scan bed with no explanation just irrational thoughts swirling. I quit the medicine that same day before going to the hospital and the doctors all state it was a huge mistake. Well I haven't been good. I have been locked at home depressed and working still perks of being a business owner. The kids have kept me happy but this really sucks. Finally last week I decided to get help and got a therapist who will treat me over the phone for now until I am well enough to go to her office. My wife has been an angel and has supported me and has managed the office for me while I have been out and done pretty much all the public things like shopping and such. On the 4th of July for my daughters birthday she wanted to go to my dads house so they could play in the pool. So I went, it was a nightmare of a drive there and back. The day was enjoyable but I havent felt that bad in a while. Well my thoughts are scrambled and racing 24/7. I cant write a like I used to, or concentrate on anything. No games, books, TV shows etc. Its like days goes by in a fog and I am just rolling through them. My 1st therapy was yesterday and she gave me some excercises to do, walk my dog for 10 to 15 minutes, exercise daily, meditation, and start me back on the pills (Viibryd). I have done all except the pills that will happen tomorrow. I am hopeful she can help me fix this. I have a already planned and paid for vacation on the 27th of this month. This trip is a 4 and half hour drive which makes my anxiety spike every time I even think about it. Well this is where it gets worse. Watching TV and a scene comes on of someone in an airplane, or in a concert crowded with people, or anywhere public my anxiety spikes like if I was the character at the fucking place and I wouldn't find a bathroom or something bad will happen. Anxiety spikes and panic attacks are the name of the game every day. I started taking CBD oil and it helps sometimes but I cant yet leave the house. In the end this is my rant, I needed a place to vent and I know I have been away for so long and I appreciate you guys keeping this place open. I hope I can get my head straight so I can write a better more coherent post.

Better late than never?

Sabrina which is amazing just finished Voltron which is also good Fuller House as fuller but good Seven Deadly Sins highly recommend And The Ranch pretty funny show

Pssst its back