Moonhawk

573

The Righteous Gemstones

Planning

I can’t seem to get into anything so I started audio books and went back to listen to SoT series. Now on Stone of Tears. It is interesting listening to audiobooks it gives a new perspective

Call of Duty Vanguard horizon zero dawn ( such a good game but long)

Ozark just finished it amazing show caught up on Picard and Star Trek Lower decks halo still need to catch up young justice I’m a couple of episodes behind bullshit because it kills time

So I said I would post more for context etc for what has been happening. So my daughter was admitted to a mental institution due to her attempting to take her life with pills and cutting herself. This situation when it happened I already had anxiety rearing back in because of problems at work but this pretty much broke me. To the point that my agoraphobia came back with new levels of anxiety. I spent 30 days at home watching over her and working from home and I would have stayed longer but my partners gave me an ultimatum pretty much, their way of trying to get me out of my loop. I am currently going to the office and back but that’s pretty much it. Weekends and morning are the worst for me because I’m not as busy and the fear of an attack freezes me. my daughter has been going to therapy and psychiatrists and I am happy that she’s home, but I am always on edge expecting the worse to happen. Yesterday my wife found a shirt with blood stains and we found out she cut herself again, due to an argument she got into with her mom. I was working outside when Jessica brought me the shirt and I rushed in to her room, angry and crying. I told her why would she do this again and so on and she let us have it. Saying that it’s our fault, that we make her anxious, she brought up times she was spanked when she was younger, all sorts of hurtful things, she broke my heart to a million pieces. We spoke for some time after that and had a good heart to heart. I told her she needs to speak up when she’s anxious instead of hurting herself, and we promised not to scream at her anymore. She promised to be good. Well today I didn’t send her to school and she stayed home with me watching movies while I worked. She’s much nicer today and happy but I’m still on edge. My agoraphobia is in full swing. Went to the grocery store, one of my safe places I go to push myself, and I had anxiety the entire time there. Agoraphobia hits me every time anyone suggests going anywhere new. Like for example the veterinarian, I have to take my dog to, I can’t make myself not get anxious about it. It’s driving me insane. I have a therapist I am seeing weekly and I have meds for emergencies, I refuse to be on permanent benzos. I am on daily antidepressant because I gave in on that one but overall I hate pills. Recently I got some good cbd oils and been trying those but now I am grasping at straws trying to get my head on straight. Every time I get just a little better another pile of shit situation falls on us. It has been non stop since we moved to the new house and I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I keep pushing everyday but I’m just so tired of fighting. The list of things that has happened in the last 4 months or so is very very long. Just know there has yet to be a full week of peace. My brain is in turmoil 24/7 and I am honestly exhausted. I keep pushing because my family needs me but good lord I need a break. Yes thoughts on this posts are all over the place but so is my current broken mind

This is the one place I can express myself freely without prying eyes or loaded questions. 1st cause for agoraphobia/iba/panic attack to happen got into a screaming fight with one of my partners and he made sure to beat the shit out of my mind that day due to insecurities on his part and made me feel really small. This triggered an panic attack and anxiety made it back into my life hardcore. So hard that I went on a Xanax bend, so bad I had to quit taking it and like the animal I am after talking to my therapist and her telling me to stop taking it so often. I quit it cold turkey. Huge Nono when it comes to anxiety medicine(as most mental health medicines). This made it all the worse. I made peace with him and even though I did anxiety was still looming and it would hit me often. Like if I had lost the mental war against it. I have personified it as the scariest thing that is always looming above me, hunting me, getting ready to destroy me again. So I am back to therapy weekly but no meds. Situation 2 Last week on Monday my wife took the kids to their new pediatrician and I was at work(I have been able to drive to work even through anxiety and all) My wife called me and said it was an emergency. My daughter told the doctor that she tried to commit suicide by taking pills in December. She was also cutting herself under her arms on her rib cage, under her bra where we can’t see. So in Florida they have this wonderful law called baker act. My wife had to take her to a mental hospital or we would be arrested. When I tell you that I have been in a living nightmare for the last 2 weeks doesn’t describe it good enough. I rushed to the doctors office and picked up my son drove him with my wife in her car. We had a short conversation with her to explain to her what was coming next and what to expect and that we love her I hugged her and my wife took her. My agoraphobia/ depression/ panic attacks were uncontrollable it I put on a brave face so my son wouldn’t be able to see me like this. I haven’t been able to leave my couch most days the crying the panic the everything has not stopped. we had to go to the hospital a few times and I couldn’t make myself go. My wife the saint she is went every time. They finally released her Friday and still I couldn’t leave the house. She told me that I have to go that I am stronger than this, this broke me, literally felt my mind crack. I cried like an child who’s afraid of the monster in the closet or something. She went without me but took my mother in law with her. She came home and I feel better but not best. I have been able to go to the office but been going to grocery store around the corner and a few places. However I get episodes of straight crying, panic sometimes, anxiety, etc. I still haven’t been able to go back to the office. when I am more cleared headed I will type more. I just had to let some of it out. reasons from the conversations I read on her phone and the psychiatrist the pills broke up with her girlfriend(this girlfriend has been her best friend since 1st grade) she left her for one of their mutual male friends the cutting gender disphoria she identifies as a boy that is girly or a boy that wants to be a girl which makes no fucking sense to me but I accept her/he for what she is. She wants to be called he and change her name to Lee. anyways will post more later

Chaos: Charles Manson, The CIA, and the secret history of the sixties by Tom O’Neil 12 rules for life by Jordan Peterson Stories of your life by Ted Chiang all recommended by Joe Rogan Podcast so far half way through 12 rules, 2 chapters intro Chaos, and just started Stories of your life. amazing all of them so far

Dusts off the cobwebs off the old brain to post in a forum again…. it’s been ages and ages since I posted here so some updates Well the big topic last time in hawks world was my anxiety/agoraphobia which triggered my IBS and it fed off of each other. Nightmare times. Well I would love to say that is over but it will always be a part of me. I have learned to control it on most days but it rears its head back up from time to time. Now after a long hiatus from working at a location I am finally back to working full time. I rekindled my friendship with my old partners and now driving 1 hour+ each way to work with rarely ever an episode. I took on a new role with them as director of operations for our “new” small business funding division. Well part of me going back to work with them was a raise and a car allowance so I bought me a blue machine. Audi A5 S Line in grabber blue color will attach pictures. Going back to work has helped my conditions a lot. They might have improved for many reasons, maybe it’s the staying busy, maybe being surrounded by people, the energy of being in a boiler room type of situation, or just the friendships I have created and also the ones rekindled. Now the drive has been a killer now for 6 months since I have been back, 1+ hour each way, so the wife and I decided to move. I barely see the family now because of the hours and the drive so We are currently selling our house on a very high and profitable market and purchasing a home closer to the office. Many perks come with the buy but also a hefty price tag the way the real estate market is now in Florida. The stress of the move and the sale of the house and the purchase of the other has triggered anxiety many times now but I knew this was going to happen; though I wish it didn’t. Moving is a great thing for everyone and in the new house we will have a huge yard with a lake in the back and a pool. Fruit trees and plenty of yard for the dog to finally play around. See pictures below. Well for those that don’t see me around on social media or on the zoom calls. I just don’t have time because of how hectic life is but soon I will be back full swing once we move.

My favorite parts of these is wolfy’s hair I have to Join the next one

Big Mouth Netflix Young Justice HBO Max Picard on Paramount and WHEEL OF MOTHER F-ING TIME on Prime

Unique human to say the least. Hugs foxy

Ehh I forgot, but happy belated!!!!

Well I went to Kentucky to visit my family over there like every year. We had fun staying home and hanging out with the family with no plans at all. I am a home body so I enjoyed it

Confessor. Because I planned on finishing the whole series before year end but the year got too complicated.

I am at the heaviest of my life at 314 lbs. I need to get back down to at least 270 lbs and work down to 240 again eventually. Plans? I have none. Covid and depression has gotten the best of me in recent months

LOTR: SHADOW OF MORDOR WITCHER 3 Both are long and tedious but lots of fun and interesting things to do. The LOTR shadow of mordor interests me more since all the lore there. The Witcher is just good fun

Well in honor of TG death i continued my reread of SoT series. On Naked Empire and I forgot how much I hate his later books but I am going to finish this before the year ends. On a side note have been getting the digital versions and it seems I read much more like this since my phone is always with me. I have always been against e readers now not so much.

I still read him. I am in the middle of a re read actually. I try to just not look at the politics of the books and just enjoy the characters I grew up with yes I do thank Mr Goodkind for making these books that indirectly helped us all meet each other

Destiny 2 it was free to download on Xbox recently

Wizards First Rule. I restarted it due to the new book and "final" that came out.

Watching movies and netflix with the family. Playing mario party with the kids yesterday

Pine Coladas made by your truly. Easy recipe 1 can of pinnacle juice 8oz. 1 can of coconut cream 1 can of coconut milk Ice 4 oz. Or less depends on tolerance of white Rum Blend it and.all done