fox

Also a lot of tea. And coffee.

Passive aggressive, guilt manipulation saturated email from my boss's boss (because my team and I advised that we cannot help with a question we simply do not have the resources for). He's a petulant, entitled man. This is not new behaviour. (But didn't fucking need it this week. My brain isn't strong enough for this shit right now.)

Bourbon. Bourbon. Bourbon. UGH. Hah! (I keep worrying about this, but last weekend was the first time I had a drink (well. Three, but only one a day) for weeks. But FOR ME this is increased alcohol consumption. Not coping, though. Can't. I have the kids too much and I refuse to drink when they're in my house. (Ugh. My mental health is shit right now.)

Reconnected with an old acquaintance this weekend. Had a great chat. It inspired a new piece of blather-y writing (more a letter than anything else). Felt good. (Also did a lot of me things this weekend. I feel stress that it's coming to an end and I will be back in stretched-too-thin land soon, but I am going to try to live here, in the moment, and not there, in that fear. The fear that may not be real. But this weekend was very need meeting. I am thankful for it and know now what I need to establish with my solo time. I know what is important to me.)

@Timberwolf and @hirondelle

And now I feel like a piece of human garbage. Fuck.

Stopped things with the gentleman friend and then was witness to a barrage of messages ranging from vitriolic to begging. Lots of what looks like emotional and guilt manipulation (if I was reading it for anyone else; for me, I feel guilty. ...I haven't replied, though. I don't think I can now). Ugh. I really liked him. (But there were flags I didn't love, and my mental health isn't great right now, with all of the everything, so I'm taking a step toward me instead. I need to be healthy for me, and the boys. I do not NEED to be in a relationship.) ...it was a lot to read.

Kids are back, sun's shining, it's actually warming up outside and my snow is almost gone, and I have an incredible human in my life who makes me smile. All in, life is pretty okay right now. (Great, if not for this whole COVID mess. So. Balanced, at present. Which is really important. It felt really imbalanced there for a bit. At least there's some (literal) sunshine now.)

Glass Animals - Wyrd

Ahhh. Fair enough? I guess.

Why have they banned alcohol sales?

Mr. Robot (but...on Prime)

Ugh. @Forest Mage - I'm so sorry. That's awful. I hope you and your family are okay. Much, much love. Insecurity, regret, and severe mental unrest are my sads today. Fuck sakes.

That. Right fucking there. Goodness you folks. So much respect and admiration. Jazzed to see you here, too. It's a shite reason to congregate, but it's a beautiful community. The US thing boggles my mind. I wonder if that's changing, now that it's a epicenter. Fuuuuuuck sakes. Scary shit. You folks with people to worry about - older, immunocompromised, other things - just . I'm lacking in words right now, but have a lot of feels thoughts. And goddamn @Kenai - that's a LOT. I hope this isn't patronizing, but I'm damn proud of you for leaving. No matter the abuse, that's really fucking hard. You did it and you're continuing to do it. You are amazing. ALSO. I'm going to attach an image I liked a lot this week. Because I'm tired of the "DO ALL THE THINGS" messaging. I'm not reading or writing or baking or cooking (anything interesting) or taking classes - I'm surviving. The only thing I'm doing, because I NEED to, is walking the dog and workout videos (the gym was a huge source of calm mind for me recently). Do you, be gentle, get through it.

I didn't actually quite understand how important physical contact is to me until very recently. Last was last Friday morning, a hug from a friend when I left S Carolina to come back home. I can't hug and cuddle my kids, and I can't hug and cuddle a pretty amazing gentleman I was really enjoying hugging and cuddling. I get why and I can be okay with it because of that, but FUCK is it starting to get fucking grating. And it won't end until next Friday night/Saturday morning. So. At least the dog's in it with me.

I came here to say @hirondelle. Because yes. I love you. But I scrolled to see this thread for a minute, and saw ogre and I got teary, but also happy. I love him, also. So fucking much. Goddammit honey, I miss you. And I love you. So much. (I still talk to him. Often. Just yesterday on a dog walk, actually.)

The Enchanted Forest Chronicles - PC Wrede (I needed to get back into reading, so I chose my favourite series. )

Supernatural on Prime (but now I have to stop because I'm caught up to a person who wants to watch with me. BUT I DON'T WANT TO. OMG! I NEED TO KNOWWWWWWWW) Altered Carbon on Netflix Gargoyles on Disney+

Midsommar

Indeedy! I was slated to go to South Carolina (SC) for a very good friend's wedding - I'd been planning to attend for over a year. I'd be lying if I said I didn't almost cancel a few days before. We'll get to the mental effects of that in a moment or two. So I left last Wednesday - great, smooth trip. Great hugs. Great late night sushi dinner. It was going outstandingly. Then Thursday happened. It was a lovely morning, fun pre-wedding US Costco shopping trip (which was lined up to the back of the store as I expect things looked in The Walking Dead before shit got really real). Then news started to trickle in and my anxiety started to tighten my shoulders. Trump started flapping gum, then Canada reacted. I had a fun night Thursday, alternating between friendly visiting and sobbing - I cried myself to sleep that night, tbh. So. I chatted with my mom Friday morning and when I came out of that conversation in tears, my beautiful bride friend asked if I needed to go to the airport. It was the "permission" I needed - I booked a last minute flight and had another smooth travel day (well, with a 10h stay in the Vancouver airport overnight, but I was back in BC and I knew I could handle anything as long as I was back in BC). So. I'm home. Because I crossed boarders, I'm meant to self-quarantine for 14-days. I am newly, differently thankful that I am separated (almost divorced actually, which is a different story for a different thread and day) from my ex and our children are with him. He is a wonderful, devoted father and they are fine. But. I don't get to see my boys until almost April, now. And I fucking KNEW that I shouldn't leave. I'm trying not to beat myself up, because I actually didn't/couldn't have known. Things ramped alarmingly after I was already in the US. When I left, there was no travel warning in place, and no warnings to quarantine, or even socially distance. It was business as usual, but wash your hands and don't like doorknobs. All the same, I'm beating myself up. This is a safe space, and I don't need coddling - I know my bran is inclined to get into Depression Mode pretty quickly and I have some rational thoughts helping right now - but FUCK do I feel selfish and like a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad momma. I'm trying to keep busy. I'll be working from home for at least the next two weeks, and when I don't have emails to reply to, I'll be organizing and cleaning my house, working on a budget project, baking (I stress bake), and walking the mutt as often as I can (no gym time for this fox - send me your best workout videos please and tyvm). I chuckled at the ogre comment, btw. My first in line is looking out for me in a strange, beautiful way. It's amusing. I love him. And hey? I fucking love you, @hirondelle. You will always be so important to me. However life ebbs and flows, you are always my person. Ugh. I fucking hate this. It's bullshit. I'm also worried about people. I'm self-quarantining because I cannot be the cause of my children getting sick - I would rather not see them for this whole awful ride than risk that no matter how healthy and strong all of our bodies are. (Please note: I do not have symptoms. I just interacted with too many people in an international sense and Canada, BC in particular, asks that I solo a few weeks.) I hate seeing the news of deaths. I know that immunocompromised people are massively susceptible right now. Those are people, though. They're individuals with rich histories and people who love them. And they're dying. From this bullshit flu. This isn't the way this should be going. And people are getting manic. Manic people are stocking up on firearms and ammunition (and tp, yeah yeah). I'm worried that COVID-19 is only one concern during this time. People we know will get sick. People we know may die from this. And then there are social implications. On an academic level, the studies in the next 6-24 months will be fucking fascinating. Living it may be dicey, though. Bah. Thank you for this thread, and this place. I know it's quiet here, but I check it often, too. I don't always post, because I don't always have a lot to say. But I will always love it.

Star Wars

Oh. Wolf. I'm so sorry. So much love.

Because he moved out. (Not going to make a big deal update-y post about it. Husband and I are separated, have officially been since the spring. He moved out at the beginning of this month. Life is life-y, I'm not good at keeping up with everything just yet - hence several months of NL break. UGH. That all said, this is a good change. We can all, kiddos included, breathe differently now the the dust is settling and we are creating a new normal.)

Gin. SOLID call. Wine tonight.

Steam Powered Giraffe - Me and My Baby (Saturday Night)