fox

Glass Animals - Toes

COFFEE

Mary Poppins Returns

Sex Education

I think "incredible" is a stretch, but WE SHALL SEE.

Dropping the ball and getting into familiar old patterns I'd love to just shred and burn and flip the bird at. Ingrained shit is truly fucking deep.

Glass Animals - Wyrd

A shot of whisky. Before breakfast. (This is how we know we've been triggered.)

NO IDEA WHATSOEVER. Dabbling, but still teh ub3r rusty. I mostly just write stream of consciousness therapy bullshit.

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

Glass Animals - Gooey

I'm game to try to keep up.

Rye. Entirely too much rye.

The Dead South - In Hell I'll Be In Good Company (APPROPRIATE.)

The gym. I could not mentally function, then I gymmed, then my mood was only cynical, not completed closed and douchey. Hah. Fuck.

Hi @Spyder!

I disengage from life via my phone and it's an issue. My connection is IG. It's so scrollable and brainless - I love it. I am not as bad as I've been in the past, but I find that in this new disillusioned, limbo life that I have no timeline for, or way to escape for more than a few hours at a time, it's a quick step away. While there are aspects of that I celebrate, I hate when I catch myself doing it around my boys. That is personal work I am actively trying to do. The phone gets stowed away, unreachable, when I'm with them - when I think to do it, and I'm not fucking perfect at all. Truly, the connection to the phone is really only important when I'm not with them as it's my point of contact if there are issues at school/daycare. When they're there, real human connection is actually more important. There are times for chatting and IG. (This is not to say that I am 100% on with my kids all of the time. That's as unfair to them as it is to me - they do not need me always and they need to know that. But, I can read a book in that time. Or, as I am apt to do, clean or bake - with them, when they want to help/participate.) Because this has also manifested hugely in my personal/intimate life to a point of contributing to the cracking/breakage, I am more cognizant of my use of tech. I also notice which people in my life use it and when. I do not want to become a person who sits across from a loved one and hammers thumbs on a digital keyboard more than engaging with my person. There are times for it - important calls/messages, checking times, whatever other real life events occur at any given time - but usually the phone/whatever can be clicked off and we can be interactive humans. I didn't watch the YouTube yet, but my kids are, so far, without much screen time. It's been that way since Day One. They like to watch the odd video, with me or their father, on YouTube (though we're more inclined to hunker down for an episode of a cartoon on Netflix), but that's it. They're six and three, so it's easy right now. I am hoping that my awareness of my own habits will help me to cultivate reasonably healthy habits in them, too. Sometimes I hate tech and SM and this shit, but then I remember NL and the people I've met, and grown closer to, via the internet and I realize it's a tool and it's up to me to self-govern. Fucking self work.

LIstened to a podcast (On Being, with Esther Perel as guest) and then had to write because of it. I fucking love that shit. I love the need to write. It's happening a lot lately and there's an energy there that's fucking electric.

KALEO - Way Down We Go

Steam Powered Giraffe - Automatonic Electronic Harmonics (This group is super fucking weird, but I just really dig them.)

I don't know where to write this. It makes me sad - I actually surprised myself with a pretty great session of tears, I thought I was done there - but I can't be sad for the experience of him. Today (for me) is ogre's anniversary of passing and I miss him. He will always be a love of my life. He will always be at the front of the line. And I will always regret not hugging him. (Look at him. He is so, so beautiful.) So I'm really, really sad. But I got to know him. I got to chat with him. He was one of my people. He was genuine and kind and fierce, and I am really, really happy that I knew him. I miss you, honey. Always, and so very much.

If I can gather the courage to share (therapy writing), you've got yourself a foxpoem! I feel weird classifying them as related to poetry, but they're also not prose. I don't know. They're...messy. I like it. Whatever it is, it's a way to get thoughts out without worrying that they're linear or proper.

Feeling less than. Always feeling less than. It's bullshit, it's a lie, and it's not (in fact) goddamn fair.

Life's been shitty af this week in certain aspects, and still? I write. A lot. A lot a lot.

Steam Powered Giraffe - Honeybee