fox

Remembering that I'm worth loving. (By my Self. Like. Obviously the people who love me, but I'm actually worth my own love. I'd forgotten that. In a monumental way. I'm getting a glimpse tonight. It's powerful and amazing and I'm happy for it and I hope I can keep and grow this feeling.)

Because first it made me sad. And because then it made me really fucking frustrated. And because then it motivated me to prove a bitch wrong. And because THEN it made me amused. Because she's not a good person. Because she is not innocent. Because she is deeply, DEEPLY fucking flawed. Because I'm not fucking broken. I'm bruised, but I'm not fucking broken. Because GFY, asshole.

Editing something old. Because of how it could be used now. If it could be used now. Because it would be. Because of course it would be. Fuck.

WHOA. WhatsApp. I HAVE WHATSAPP, SPY. Wanna chat!?

We're so out of touch, Spy. Three or four years. Ugh. Rad piece, though! I really dig that. And I love the translation. Baller.

Because shoveling. Without you, and your gym counterpart, I would have just cried all day. INSTEAD, I worked out. SO. Win.

Weeeeeeeeee! Spinning like a top. Guys. Life is balls. Just. Like okay, I know things are good and there's good. But fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck can it just go suck a fucking cock. Today sucks. Yesterday sucked. I wanted really bad things. It was ugly. THANKFULLY there was shovelling. And vodka. And then more shovelling. Because fuck.

@Spyder That's badass. @hirondelle - did you know about this?

Childbirth. Always childbirth.

He-Man, She-Ra, and the My Little Ponies were top three. There were others, but those were most important.

Welcome back, MC!

Oh no. I'm so sorry, @hirondelle. What an awful story and an awful, heartbreaking event for that poor man. I just. Fuck. See. People. My dog isn't always safe for other dogs, she's hyper assertive - not aggressive, though it can look that way - and may not be gentle, especially with smaller dogs. But I'm hyper aware of that and very, very careful about where she is and how she is at all times. I don't understand why people can't take responsibility for their animals. The animals are doing animal things, they're not to blame. The people. The irresponsible, unthoughtful people. And you're beautiful. Body, mind, heart, and soul. I'm sorry you're experiencing that thought. My sads: just when I thought it couldn't possibly get worse - when, in fact, it was so much better and more beautiful and hopeful than it had been in a long, long time - it got worse. Much, much worse.

My boys are coming back! En route right now. Hugs soon!

My co-worker is an unprofessional, lazy, entitled asshole. His latest example of utter lack of awareness may make ME look unprofessional and uncaring. I fucking want to rage-quit and just go fucking doula. Fuck.

I made spaghetti squash this week! First time ever. It was lovely. It's not photo worthy, but the cider I had with it was! (I had to jack a photo from IG. Apparently I deleted the original. Hah! BUT CHECK OUT THAT GLASS. They're new to us and I LOVE them. They were Husband's grandfather's. ...and the squash is fully visible in the background.) And yeah @PyroCJ - agreed, you should post your love story. It's lovely!

I have NO idea, but here we are. By rights, I should be happy (see happy thread), but I woke up in a super shitty, depressed mood. I'm trying to be gently firm with myself. This is something I CAN talk myself out of. It will be better when I'm distracted by work. I THINK it's because I haven't been eating super well this week (I have been, until the evenings. There's no one here and I have time. APPARENTLY that's what I need to get my binge on. So I have binge guilt, not eating well guilt, and not having accomplished as much academically, or, frankly, domestically, as I had wanted to this week. BUT. I have gymmed every day so far, and will again today and tomorrow, I did get academic and domestic shit done, and I HAVE pwnt one personal goal. So. SEE FOX...? You're doing okay, be a bit more kind to yourself....

I got some shit done. Husband took the boys to visit his parents this week. I stayed home (largely because this is a busy season in my line of work and the recruiters be recruitin'...out of office. They "need" someone on campus, or so I've been hearing). So I've also had some really solid fox time. I've had guilt, but mostly I've been able to enjoy it. Annnnnnnd I got some research done for my project. I'm no goddamn further ahead with a fucking solid thesis, but I found some resources (INCLUDING some 17th Century midwifery texts and 18th Century health guides. Pretty fucking nifty) so that's good.

Also. You. Dude. I've been considering a pregnancy/birth/allthethingsassociated thread recently, I JUST MAY DO THAT. Because I am a birth nerd. And I love to hear/read stories. All of them. Every story is important and valid. (And YES. The bond. OMG. So helpful. That's part of the reason I had such successful birth experiences. Not my midwives per se, but my doula. She is my goddamn heart and soul.)

You guys are wonderful, thank you! Yes yes yes. And @icewlf - compare/contrast of places in a similar/same time period is brilliant. (We actually did that for class. Half the class read the diary of a midwife from Germany, and the other half one from the US. It was brilliant. One of my classmates commented that she would not pick up the German text for "fun" reading with tea, as the other was much more story driven and readable. I flipped through the German diary...would SO read that for fun. Passions are so weird.) But no no no, you guys. Thank you!

My friend just cried in my office. My co-worker just lost her brother in law to cancer. He was 31. I thought things were okay last night, then woke up this morning and discovered that they're exactly where they were two weeks ago in the grand scheme of things. (One step forward, twenty steps back.)

A stupid fucking person I DON'T EVEN KNOW being judgey. About me. But not TO me. So...either bring it, or STFU. ...imo.... Another person who knows nothing about anything that I do trying to tell me how to do my job. The supreme douche Ima have to deal with tomorrow (at work). I'm fucking annoyed right now.

Oooh! Lovely. Welcome back!

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson