fox

Also writing. Writing is making me happy today. I just took my lunch to work on an assignment for my Social Work class and it's been lovely. It's been nice not only to learn topics and research a bit, but to stretch my non-email writing muscles again. I've been writing emails - mostly professional - for so long, I've forgotten what actual writing feels like.

Thank you. I'm pretty fond of it, too. It's been really interesting to live and, when I reflect on current passions, I'm surprised. And pleased. And just super motivated. (Well. When I'm not busy being distracted and/or depressed. ) And I love that you're pleased with your career. AND that it sort of interacts, in a way, with what you'd love to do. Like. Not 100%, but that you're making things, so when you have the time and money isn't an issue, you can take all of this knowledge and these skills and pour them into the rest of it. I love building blocks. AND Shamanism. SUPER baller. I fucking dig that, lady. Also love rural communities, I totally feel you. There's something about them. I grew up in a small, rural city (well. Formative-ly. We moved around a bit) and live in a not-huge city nestled among many small, rural communities. Ima stay here and work with these people, if I have my way. I totally understand this. And that you're interested in helping folks. You're speaking my language @Phoenix. Thanks Wolf! Again, it's a strange journey. But it's mine and I'm proud of it. I love that you're so into teaching. I suspect you are amazing at it, also. We've never ACTUALLY met, but you're just so kind and thoughtful and compassionate and motivated to help and care for people, you would be just so naturally gifted at, and comfortable with teaching. It just seems to fit. And the web and sports work. I love that, also. Super cool to fit passions and interests in wherever possible. No such creature as "just." Also, SB baristas help make my life a far, far better place. The ones I see, well beyond making a beautiful cuppa, are kind and genuine and happy to chat. They're good people doing a good job and while they're not necessarily in their forever place, like you, they're doing what they do to get there. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...! I LOVE that. Love. I love that you love what you do and that what you do is caring for people. It fucking tickles me. And to be there for people, to just give them space and also hold it for them. And to be involved in hospice care to a degree. (I volunteer for our local hospice house and it's incredible. Our caregivers are amazing, and the guests. Wow. To be able to be involved in someone's life in that way is a rare honour and privilege.) Well that's beautiful. And sad. But I'm so glad she was able to be there with him. That he had a person he truly cared about there with him.

We also just, on Saturday, had pretty lasting snow. Several inches, actually. Well. WE did, in my area of town, but downtown was just a skiff. Still, good excuse to test out the new truck. It's cold now, though. Definitely real Fall. It's also wet. I think I need to go clothes and shoe shopping for the season. (LARGELY because APPARENTLY my flats have holes in the bottom of them. I found this out yesterday when I walked over rain water, not through puddles, and my shoes, socks, and feet were soaking and cold. /Sigh.)

I need to narrow my topic for a research paper for the History class I'm currently in - The History of Childbirth and Women's Bodies. I want to focus in on pregnancy and infant loss (miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth and the like) and how women were expected to behave in their grief and mourning process. But, that's too big. So. I need to narrow. I'm just not sure exactly how to go about doing that. Would it help to choose a timeframe? Probably. I like the idea of middle England (LARGELY because pre-Anglican midwives were actually given the rite of baptism in emergency situations, due to infant loss and the barring of men from the birthing chamber. Because that's fucking brilliant and I am in awe of it), but I think colonial America would be fascinating and much more in line with my actual interests (modern reactions to pregnancy and infant loss, and grief and bereavement). AND I think I'd like to focus on midwife birthing, largely because it's my personal favourite model of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum healthcare. Help?

Thank you, Wolf. Prof said that the errors I made (largely in Chicago citation style - because not MLA) are "wholly avoidable given how well {i} write," and then said that it "bodes very well for {my} final research paper." I'll stop about it now, but. This. Guys. It's about women's health and pregnancy (a HUGE passion of mine), it's a fourth year History class (which is a huge deal, and a steep re-learning curve, considering I was awarded my degree in '05 and that's the last time I wrote a legit paper for a fourth year course), and it means that I'm doing OKAY at keeping up with this semester, which gives me hope for grad studies. My life is a bullshit mess of rubble right now, this is a really cool thing to hold on to.

I'm feeling exceptionally lonely today. Just. So alone and so lonely. And I asked a question last night that I didn't have to ask, in order to make plans I hope I never have to execute. Kind of like going for a walk on an overcast day with an umbrella - you bring it just in case you need it, but you hope you don't need it. I have plans in place so that I have them if I need them, but I hope I never need them. (VAGUEPOSTING, I know. Sorry folks, it's about as specific as it's going to get.)

I got an A- on the first academic paper I've written in twelve years. I was REALLY worried about this one. I really, really needed this. It's a win. I needed a win.

I had a really good counseling appointment on Saturday morning. That was a nice feeling. I'm glad to be seeing her. It feels important, and that I'm putting in the time and the work, and that's a nice feeling. (Validation. I'm SUPER approval oriented. I need it. Need. )

Hahah. Because it got worse. So much worse. Hah. Fuck my fucking life. ...this is going to be a fucking ride.

Hey @Spyder - we had snowflakes this morning. If that makes you feel better about Canadian weather.

I have good people. They've really helped me today. I've laughed, I feel supported, and I feel important. So. That's a win, considering a few hours ago. I have amazing humans in my life.

Ohhhh. Mango would be outstanding. And coconut milk. Yes! Good call.

Because I just feel overwhelmingly inadequate and shitty and worthless and just blah. Just. Overwhelmingly. (I'm submitting a request for counseling through my Employee Assistance Plan. )

Yes! Those are the ones I've used. Suuuuuuuuuuper easy!

I do! So much that I have it tattooed on my wrist. Now that I'm in here. For the purpose of this thread, I HAVE Twitter and I generally love Twitter, but I haven't been making any time for it. https://twitter.com/foxyouverymuch I love social media in theory. In practice, I keep up with only Instagram. ...sort of....

OH YES! Nice cream. I have done that and thoroughly enjoyed it! I love it with blueberries also. Or peanut butter. (Seriously. PB makes my life better.) I need to make another batch, I think! (My reasons for cutting legit ice cream are wholly health. Just because it's so much sugar and so unnecessary as often as I had it. Great treat, but not an all-the-time thing.)

Just two. One is four, the other is almost 18-mo. And back atcha, momma! So lovely.

It is. Because too much work. Just too much. (Actual work. It's really piling up. Because I work in student recruitment and the actual recruiters are out of town, so I'm getting walloped with prospective student appointments and emails. Ughh. I need to learn how to prioritize my time better.

I've actually been trying to do that with dried dates. I love them, they're SUPER sweet, and they're versatile. I actually have a baller recipe for date cocoa truffles that are outstanding. So. I should make some of those and let them stand in as dessert.

That is to say...hey @Songmistress...? (I can't "@" you in a title. More's the pity.) This quote, from your love story? This made my day better. So fucking true. I just wanted to say thank you for thinking and writing it. It's actually really important. I mean it can be such shit to live through, but it's still important. So. Thank you. (Also, OBVIOUSLY, for the love story. It's one of my favourites, too. I always feel so honoured and privileged to have watched it play out. )

This. Also this. And also, because I'm tired. I'm tired of having all of these conversations all of the time. I'm tired of feeling guilt and shame and self-loathing and overwhelming inadequacy. I'm tired of the fear and worry. Because I'm just really tired.

This. EXACTLY this.

Thank you. A lot. And yeah. Right? Life. Good grief. Whyyyyyyyy? Why must you be so fucking life-y...? Hah! We love that book in my house, too. All very true. BUT. Sometimes it feels like that new day won't come. And if it does, sometimes it really feels like it's just going to be more of the old day. It's just tiring. I'm just tired. Really tired. In other news, the mood is better. This weekend wasn't great. And then it was okay. And then it went to shit again. So. YAY...! ...so it goes, I guess. But some good, necessary conversations happened, so I guess that's a good takeaway.

Ooooh! Pretty!

I love that you exist and that you drive that whole thinking thing that we do. But. Could you MAYBE just hold on to one positive thought? ...one time...? I'm having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Like. I joke, but today was bad. It's not awful right now, because I just dove all-in on a project for work. Having typed that, I'm sure it'll get bad again - if history tells me anything. I am absolutely unable to focus on anything positive today. I mean that's fairly standard, but usually there's something. Nope. Noooooooooooope. The world is shit, I hate everything*; please stop, I'm getting off. I am living and breathing for the moment my children are in bed and I can go have a hot tub, read, and go to fucking bed. *This is actually wholly inaccurate. I don't hate everything. I just really, really hate myself.